Are we doomed to end up like them (full of hate)?

Weareone, I would not want to and am not like either parent. They were both self-absorbed and extremely selfish and dragged us into their arguments all the time. Me and my siblings are the exact opposite. My late brother was a wonderful father and my sister and I have always put the needs of our children first. We are stuck with our dad after his wife passed. He is not aggressive, but still very selfish and cannot be left alone. Its really very taxing.
I doubt you have to worry about being like your dad. You are aware of the damage he is doing and you will thus do better.
Take care :)

sandwich42 and TammieLee, I feel like we are kindred spirits. Isn't it wonderful to have a place where those of us who are dealing with issues like this can come together and discover that we are not alone! My mother was extremely verbally abusive and in course, I married men who mirrored my mother. Although I did everything I could not to be like her, I gravitated toward men who were exactly like her, still seeking that all elusive approval. I finally found the courage to accept the fact that I did not need anyone's earthly approval. It was such a liberating feeling and now I protect that as I would my physical being. Like you two, I strive to be the antithesis of my mother...happy, joyous, compassionate, and loving. I know it is easy to "slip back" but knowing is the first step.

Good question. One of my parents had trouble with their parent (my grandparent) when they were my age. Now they are exhibiting the same negative traits as the grandparent.

There was even a degree of self-awareness in the generation that preceded me; running the gamut from "setting boundaries," to "empathizing," to willfully trying to be different. And now, I find myself acting in some of the same ways, doing the same things to avoid being hateful in my old age.

With a difference. Unlike my parent, I know that I am not immune to the sins of my predecessors. I have asked for healing from God, Who I understand to be the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the Father Son and Holy Spirit.. with all that it implies. I believe He has healed me and is continuing to heal me.

I feel sorry for all of you who had mean mothers. Mine loved me with her whole hear heart and soul but she was old enough to be my grandma and had lived a very sheltered life. Therefore, she had a lot of quirks that were hard to take. I loved my mother but I would never have picked her for a friend. My daughter and I are best friends, one of the reasons is learned early on not to let anything she told me come as a shock. I have friends thirty years younger than I, they know they can say anything to me without me raising my hands in horror.

Mollie90, you are indeed blessed.

When my mom was alive, I was always telling people that the negative way she was, was nothing new, she was always a negative, complaining person, even when young. A friend of mine who has been through eldercare and who is also a psychology major, said her experience was, whatever the person was like when young, is what they will be like when old.
Alzheimer's can be totally different, but with non-Alzheimers dementia I have seen this to be true.Their personalities are similar, with the main trait emphasized.

My mom is 95 and just as abusive(verbally and emotionally) as she has ever been. She lives with me and it is unbearable - she refuses to move. My brother (whom I do not get along with - he is just as abusive) will no longer even let her come to visit unless she calls him first. I can understand his point. She used to stay with him on weekends and at my house during the week to give me a break - he can't take it anymore - so she is at my house 24/7 and is bossy and nasty. She trys to stick to me like glue and I have given her times to be i the kitchen for meals and otherwise I do not want to see her she feels she has the right to do whatever whenever she wants in my house - so misearable living with her.

No one can be abusive unless you let them. Your mother could live in a senior home ,there is no law that says she must live with you. You said your brother wouldn't keep her.Also bullies only pick on people that are weak, try standing up to her, I bet she will back down.

Happy2 the situation you describe doesn't sound good for you OR good for your mother.

In the end, she is 95 and frankly if you make the decision that she can't live in your home any more then she doesn't have much choice. If she has the money to pay for her own care and accommodation, then find the right place for her and take her there physically. If she can't afford it, then do your homework on what state support she's entitled to and make plans accordingly. But ultimately NO ONE can force you to house your mother if you don't want to.

The worst possible compromise is to have her living with you and then find it so unbearable that you ostracise her in your home. Don't forget that, even if it isn't technically her place, it is also the only home she has.

Your brother has downed tools and refused to have her staying with him because he finds it unbearable. Apparently, so do you. So follow his example. Find your mother another place to live as fast as you can.

I used to think the same thing until I did a 12 step program.. ^_- ... which is not about drugs/alcohol, but the way we think, feel, and act as human beings on a daily basis. A guide for living and ealing with people, showing ways to live life on lifes terms.
My father and grandfather... no the family moto was "the "Doe's" family blood boils"... we can change, it takes a day at a time, we are different people -- but attitudes do not always(most of the time) reflect in our behavior. Recognize your defects of character and work on them... work everyday to be a better you... the more I help people, selfless acts, the less I am concerned with my own problems. I have found patience, peace, and coping mechanisms for how to live.

I began to care for my grandparents at an early age and it was an experience (esp. with anger/alzheimer's) I lost my identity, I lost faith in "not becoming my parents," but I found self-help groups very life changing (non-religious).
- Andrea

WE HAVE CHOICES TODAY. :) that is what I ultimately learned...