Should I keep my parent's together if Dad's verbal abuse and outbursts are hurting her?

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Two weeks ago I moved Mom into AL but Dad refused to go to the doctor in order to be admitted with her. Mom had done okay in AL by herself, but was very confused, calling me all the time, asking where everyone was, etc. After a few days in the apt alone, Dad relented and went to the doctor,and a few days later he move in. Done deal, great I thought, things were looking up. Now Mom loves it there, but Dad is poisoning her with his delusional talk of driving back to Utah and finding another place to live. She just called me a minute ago and asked if they could "get out" of the AL deal. She said she doesn't like it, its too small, she wasn't part of the decision, etc I could hear dad in the background telling her what to say. Now I'm not sure if they can be together. I hate to split them up as they have been married 65 years, but Dad is an absolutely hateful madman to me (because I won't give him his truck or guns), but of course nice to the staff and other residents (so far). The doctor that filled out the report for the AL, agreed to prescribe Depakote sprinkles for Dad, but the nurse at the facility wanted to wait a week or so to see how he adjusted naturally. UGH.
I'm a mess and it's all on me. I told Mom we'd talk about it tomorrow (the light of day is always better), but if she insists do I just ignore their requests hoping they will come around or wait until my Dad drives my Mom completely over the edge. She may be there already. I've been tempted to just give Dad the truck keys (hasn't driven in 6 years with no license) and say "go for it!" I know I can't do that in reality but I'm tired of the constant battles. So much for my hopes of spending happy, quality time with my parents in their remaining years. Tears.

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"Mom, you are not prisoners in the AL but we did sign a lease and you can't get out of it without losing a lot of money. You will need to stay there for now. And Dad cannot drive. It is not practical to think of moving to Utah. I would miss you terribly, too! Let's see if we can work things out right where you are now, at least for a few more months."
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I'm sure your parents was together for yrs.I'm sure your Mother is use to your father's treatment or they wouldn't be together today.People never realize what thay have till it's gone.Your Mother & Father knows their treatment towards each other.That's their own thing and their ways of going thur life and making it this far in age together.You may not like the treatment towards your Mother your Father is giving towards her.My opinion maybe your seeing to much as learning your parent's dark side together and can't bare to see it.Without knowing your life and parents I would say that's normal for parents to do that and is their own way of doing things within their "OWN" relationship.Why in the world would you want to split your parents apart?Regardless they only have each other.Take that away from them.You will be baring them both sooner then you think.Sounds harsh to say but,truth hurts.
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A very stressful situation for you, ((((Hugs)))) to you!!
My first question is...how advanced is your mother regarding the dementia?
Second....does this facility also have a memory care unit?
Third....do you have durable power of attorney for your mother or does your father?

If your father has DPOA for your mother, there is probably little you can do unless you want to get a conservatorship/guardianship which is expensive and time consuming if you can show proof that your father is not of sound mind.

I suggest that you wait this out, let the caregivers start giving Depakote. It usually takes a couple months for adjustments to take place. However, I have a question regarding the nurse not giving the meds to your dad now. Was it prescribed as needed only?

If the facility has a memory care unit, can you possible arrange for your mother to participate in their program during the day. They should be able to provide an escort for your mother to and from the memory care unit . We did this with our mother in the beginning when she was place on the AL side. She was in memory care from 9am-6pm. This will give your mother a break from your father...a much needed break it sounds like. Hopefully your father will not prevent her from going.

Yes, I relate to spending quality time with our aging parents. My mother has a personality disorder which made things impossible until the Alzheimer's progressed enough and I was able to earn her trust. With a personality disorder, earning their trust is impossible because they trust no one, and everyone is out to screw them over.This does not work for everyone. I hope I have given you some hope as I know you are at your wits end. Hang in there and let us know how things are going.
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