Are we doomed to end up like them (full of hate)?

That's why God gave me Cymbalta. To save my family from the Wrath of Old Age. And it's funny how they can be so acidic to children, but just plain wonderful with their MD, the grandkids, and people their own age. Pass me the meds, please.

He needs meds so bad but he refuses to see the doctor for anything but his prostate cancer. And he's mean to everyone else; the neighbors have tried to get him kicked out of the retirement community but they cannot seem to! I take meds, and have taken care of my mental health in my lifetime. I guess that's the difference!

P.S. Thank you for reminding me that I have taken care of my mental health and he has not.

It is interesting to observe people turning into the parents they once so fiercely rebelled against. But inevitable? No.

And, by the way, if you want to avoid the same fate you might want to start with a little understanding. Most people are at least as much sinned against as sinning.

There are exceptions, of course. Hope he isn't one of them!

I live 600 miles away from him and have very little contact with him due to the abuse. I just heard that he's been screaming abusively to his neighbors, and they are filing complaints, so maybe the police will get called again. He has been in the mental hospital for homocidal threats to his neighbors before.

I am so different than either of my parents that I won't become them. I may become ill or old, but I still won't be them. One thing is I don't have any kids, so who could I be mean to?

If I could hope for one thing in life it would be that, when it my time, that I just drop dead. I don't want to be kept alive by pills, surgeries, and the charity of others. I want to make a clean break and cross over.

Mental illness wrecks havoc. It destroys lives and breaks down families. There is an abysmal lack of awareness and understanding of most brain disorders and medicine has a long way to go in regards to diagnosis and treatment because mental health can be very complicated.

Having a parent with untreated mental illness is a nightmare at any stage of life, especially when the accompanying behavior is abusive. My heart goes out to you. I know because my family is rife with these illnesses, whats worse, our family never talks about it because of the shame. Our parents were raised at a time when mental disorders were feared and terribly stigmatized, sadly that attitude has not changed all that much. I am not surprised your Dad refuses to see a doctor. Much of my family is the same.

Little by slow the public is being forced to see mental illness as just that...illness. It sounds like you are taking charge of your mental health, thank goodness! I am doing the same for my own illness. I believe things will be different for me when I am older than it is for my parents. I have sent years learning coping skills and building a support network around me. I believe the same for you.

I don't hear judgement for your Dad in your words ... I do hear worry and perhaps confusion. I hope your Dad gets the attention he needs. Meanwhile you might want to check out NAMI the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They are a wonderful resource for anyone touched by mental health issues.

TryingMyBest, what a wonderful, compassionate and understanding answer! I am going to go to Al-Anon meetings again, because much of this is due to his alcoholism. There are no mental health meetings where I live, as its very rural.

He's had this personality disorder all his life and I believe that my wonderful mother died so early just to get away from him. He's never had friends; I've never seen him read a book. He used to get kicked out of every family get together there ever was. He has serious psychological issues that have never been addressed, only gotten worse and worse. Some may be from PTSD from the Korean War, but I heard he's been an alcoholic since he was 13.

Now he thinks he can just let it all out and scream at the top of his lungs with his paranoid, delusional accusations. It seems like there are never any consequences for him but I suppose that's gotta come some day if he keeps up in this way.

I can't really judge him because I have suffered from mental illness through a large portion of my life. 14 years ago, though, I got somewhat better and even got better again 7 years ago after my divorce. I see a mental health doctor regularly though, and I know for sure that if my mental health isn't good, then what good at all is health of the body?

Weareone, you are already very different from you father - you're facing your health issues head on and dealing with them. It's sad that he's lived such an unhealthy life (both physically and mentally) and wreaked havoc on your family. Your poor mom! Your dad must have had some redeeming qualities for your mom to have gotten with him, but it sounds like he's been a runaway train for most of his life. But you're not! You're taking care of yourself and that makes all of the difference in the world. Hugs to you.

Blannie, you are darn RIGHT about that. I face my problems and work on self improvement every day because I have to. Your message was so sweet it made me cry. :-)

I can't imagine ending up like my mother. I take after my dad rather than her anyway. Also I seem to have become the opposite to my mother in some ways; maybe this is how a family balances itself. A mother without empathy may produce a daughter who has a sort of empathy sickness - too much empathy for the wrong people. Maybe if all the family members lacked empathy, it wouldn't survive as a family.

My mother totally lacks curiosity about the outside world. I am curious about nearly everything though I was not as a child; I think my natural curiosity was suppressed. So mother calls me in the middle of the night to say her water isn't running. It never occurs to her that this is happening to half the town because of the freezing weather because she doesn't care about anything beyond her own gate. But I am curious enough to read her local small town newspaper on the computer and can tell her about what's going on in her own town and so what to do about the water problem. I know this is ridiculous. I phoned her the other day to tell her her local mall was flooded, so don't go shopping there. I am my mother's curiosity.

Moving up, you sound exactly like me. I have a strong, strong curiosity drive, and I always thought it was because my parents never explained anything to me. They never sat down and talked to me to give me some wisdom or knowledge. Maybe your mom is a narcissist because of all the self absorbtion; I know that my dad is. There is nothing outside his own little world to him. He is and always has been wrapped up in himself and doesn't think of others. Before my mom died, I used to hear her telling that to him all the time.

be kind if you want . my kid smokes 500. 00 bucks worth of pot a month and he owes me 362 00 . this is aside from the thousands hed somehow justified screwing me out of . i want that 362.00 and he'll rot in h*ll as far as im concerned if i dont get it back . yea, you get screwed enough you get bent if not bitter ..

I'm really satisfied with the gene pool I swim in. I'll be pleased if I have my mother's personality if I reach her current age. My dad had some mental health issues and he dealt with them as best he could with the resources available to him. I'm dealing with mine more successfully and I have a lot more resources to call upon.

I'm glad many posters pointed out to you, WeAreOne, that you have already differentiated yourself from your problematic father. You are dealing with your issues in a constructive way.

I think we can't control the genes we receive. We can only play the hands that we are dealt. But even a bad example can help us learn how to play our hands well.

WeAreOne-my heart goes out to you- because, having lived with an alcoholic husband for 13 years, I know where you are coming from- AlAnon was my lifeline too- and I learned the coping skills and how to reclaim my life for myself through them....Alcoholism is an insidious illness that not only rots the braincells of the sufferer, but affects their views and behaviour towards the rest of humanity. Bless you for caring, and trying so hard to make your own self the way you are!!! BTW- my ex-husband didn't drink for the last 8 years of our marriage, but was what is called a 'dry drunk'- in other words, he still behaved as though he was on the sauce....not a great trip for those who lived with him... my life truly began again when I divorced from him...although you can't 'divorce' your father, you CAN use your boundaries as a shield against his hateful behaviour, and feel the love from all who care for you- include me as one, please. x

The truth is the truth, if you were born an apple you will die an apple. Look at Ronald Regan, by the time he passed he didn't know his own wife Nancy. I'm sure that man took great care of his mental health, we just don't know. I would like to let you know that I am helping in the care of my 92 year old father who suffers with dementia.

You all give such wonderful, insightful feedback! Like most of yours, my parents grew up during the Depression where there was nothing to be had. Alcoholism runs rampant on both sides, so at least I've had a heads up. Between having nothing and worrying about abusive fathers, I kind of understand my parents; my dad died of alcoholism almost 40 years ago and my mother was a very emotionally abusive and narcissistic individual until her stroke last year. But, I have taken the lessons and tried to make sure I don't end up like either one of them. I went "back home" to my faith last year and it has given me the strength to take better care of myself and have more compassion for my mother. I don't like taking a lot of pharmaceuticals (I found some wonderful herbal remedies for stress), but I do understand that for some people they are medically necessary....the most important lesson I have learned from my parents' fates is to Take Care of You which includes learning to forgive yourself for past sins. I really think that is a big part of why many people late in life start to lash out at others...they are full of self-loathing and they are running out of time.

Except in cases of organic brain disease, it's been my experience that snarky individuals just get snarkier with age. That is, our worst personality traits tend to become "reinforced" with the aging process. This process may be compounded by mental illness such as schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, etc.

However, I have also observed that innately resilient individuals seem to "weather the storms" of old age better than those who do not possess spiritual resources. (I am not talking about religion here - spiritual resources are something different.) When a person has never developed coping skills along the way, they sometimes become impossible personalities by the time they are senior citizens.

I truly believe that some people become nasty and become abusive, mostly verbally, because they are having trouble accepting they are getting old and are not able to do and think the way they used to. They are losing control, hate being this way, and will lash out to anyone in the general area, especially family. There seems to be a control valve that activates when around other people, Dr.'s, old friends, church members, etc., are around, who think they are the most wonderful old lady/man there ever was. What is the cure? There is none. Maybe when they come to terms to what they cannot control will iron it out, maybe not. Doping them up is only a band aide until the ineffable happens. If someone else has the answers or fix it solution, please share. All we can do, for now, is deal with as much as we can take and take some break time away from the situation.

As a retired Army Nurse and I have seen many deaths. There are many things to consider. as to their attitudes during this inevitable event. Some, who are on many type of medications can exhibit side effects, which run the gambit from calm to the volatile. Some, as in dementia may have no memory from one moment to the next and like wise can be mean then nice. Many who have not accepted their impending death may be angry, hopeless, no control and lash out at the very people they love most. Those loved ones can not understand a person who has been nice becomes a tyrant. Some people just deny the process and once again, in their anger stick out. Constant pain can bring out the worse in anybody. On the other end of the pendulum are those who have accepted the inevitable and are calm, loving, and talk to their loved ones as to how they are feeling. Many have lost any shred of dignity, must be helped with there bath, and leave them naked for others to clean their most intimate area which leads to embarrassment and a total loss of dependence. Those who have a God of their understanding, and feel there is life after death can even be grateful, as they see a future without pain, suffering and see that they will be going to a much better place. Many believe this is a natural process and see a new spiritual beginning. The bottom line to all of this? Each person dying may exhibit an array of emotions, due to their medications, their beliefs, how they have lived, if they are remorseful, guilt ridden, and may be in incredible pain. The people/loved ones, left behind, are on an emotional roller costar. The family can have feelings from empathy to no love at all toward the person dying. And that all depends on how close the family have been over a course of decades. The children now take care of their parents and this my friends is the circle of life. We come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing. It can be seen as a time of rejoicing or a time of upheaval. Patience is a virtue. Love is forever. How we die is an individual process. A very normal process we will all face. There is no crystal ball as to how we will handle our own death and we do not know how we will act until faced with our own immortality. Those in the process of dying, can be loved. Some may die alone. Some have no one left to love. The care givers are tired, depressed, and are in a constant state of grieving and have feelings of guilt arising to their own anger towards the dying person. If you are a family of faith in God. You must let go and let God. And prayer goes a long way for all concerned in coping with so many emotions. As hard as it may be just breath, slow down, and have faith, love and know that God is with you both. God bless. Sylvia

I am seeing so many similarities between my grams and myself. I have asked the same question of me. She is a reflection of what can happen to me if I do not continue on my spiritual healing journey.

I believe by allowing ourselves to heal, learn to take better care of our health, mental, physical and emotional, we will follow in our parents and grandparents footsteps.

I know I do not want to live the pain and fear that drives such hate and anger. We do not have to be like our parents. We can heal our own wounds. I believe that once this begins, we change the future for ourselves and our children.

I wish you the best.

Is narcissism a mental illness? Not according to DSMIV4. It is an Axis2 diagnosis ... a personality disorder, but not a mental illness. And, no, you are not destined to end up like your parents. Personally, if they have dementia or Alzheimers, they are NOT responsible for their behavior because their brain is sick.

I am an old woman and I have a little of both my parents in my personality but I really am very different. I have two adult children, I wasn't always the best parent but I must have done something right as they both love me.

I believe that no matter how nice and kind a person you are ... when you suffer long enough and hard enough it is going to change you. It has to. You are going to get in bad moods, get grouchy, angry and all the things that happen when we suffer a loss and losing your health and your youth are huge losses.
We have to give these people some kind understanding because we will, if we live long enough, one day be there also. And when that day comes, how would we want to be treated?
This does not apply to people who have been abusive and nasty all their lives and just continue to be that way. I am referring to the inevitable changes in personality that come with aging and ESPECAILLY ill health.

Betty Davis ... loosely quoted ... 'Aging Ain't for Sissies".

My mother started 'losing it' when we flew from Florida to Maryland together in June. As I drove from Ormond Beach - near Daytona Beach - to Jacksonville - she kept asking the same questions. What time is it? Is the air on? What time do we have to be at the airport? What time does the plane leave? Are you sure this is the way? When will we arrive in Baltimore? Who is picking us up? What are they driving? It was nonstop the whole six days we were there. I guess her dementia started some months ago but I wasn't paying attention until others mentioned it. She calls me every day and tells me the same thing or asks me the same thing. I have no intention of putting her in assisted living because she can still get around although she falls periodically for no reason. She is a 16 year breast cancer survivor and developed bone cancer a few years ago. Because I'm the oldest sibling of 4 and the only one in Florida I have to check with her daily if she doesn't call me. But I can't hate her and I know I can't leave Florida. Since becoming unemployed after 33 years at the same job I am more available to her now -- her illness was the main reason I had to leave my job. I wasn't allowed time off to care for her and it made me miserable. I hope I didn't go too far off track. I just needed a sounding board. Thank you for listening. Of course I could very easily become like her and I hope there is somebody around who is as caring as myself to take of me. Carl

If I am to end up like my mother I would like some Nembutal please.

I can't take this stuff anymore; parents who would never want to be a burden to their children are, and horribly. Making them quit their jobs and wipe their asses. I will be long gone before I get that bad. I think these parents are selfish.

I have spent my entire life sprinting away from the choices my mom made that are why she is the mean person she is today. I cultivated interests, friends, education, and have been open to love, affection, joy, and beauty. I purpose to be an optimist and find the reasons to be happy even when things really suck. I struggle with depression every day, but I work on it all the time.

She has always preferred to sit in the dark, alone, and look for the negative. I have told her that if Jesus did take her, she'd nag him to death. Not even heaven would please her. No anxiety or mood altering med has ever helped her. She would never consider therapy or self-help books. She is the passive victim in life who has zero control over events and her emotions. Everybody else is responsible for her happiness and we have all been a giant let down.

No thanks. That isn't how I choose to be now or intend to be later. I want to be that funny old lady wheeling around Shady Pines saying a friendly hello to everybody.

Amen! She has no control over her thought processes and has no self awareness. Without self awareness we are doomed to becoming the result of negativity gone wild.

sandwich42 I mirror your eloquent response. As a young child I knew I would not be the mother she was, and I am not. I knew I wouldn't be the wife she was, and I am not. I knew I wouldn't be the victim she was, and I am not. I am so much more then her, however if it were not for her perhaps I would not have strived so hard to be positive, to get the most enjoyment out of life that I can, to love beyond words and to make my envisioned future come to fruition. She is who she is and continues to be but I must try my best to remain to be who I am, who I have cultivated myself to be, who I enjoy and love.