Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Sibling 2 is overseas in the military, training people and cannot come back.

Sibling 1 is the one talking to Medicaid, trying to make decisions. Sibling 1 says their father in law is living with them, 100 lbs on hospice. I saw the father in law at Home Depot, he spoke with me. He is not 100 lbs, did not look sick but it would be rude to ask.

Husband told me he did not know why Sibling 1 would lie. I froze and said because that is what they do and you know it.

I told him I cannot do it, she is crying right now and I am the bad person.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
BurntCaregiver Jul 2022
Here is why Sibling 1 would lie. They do not want to take care of your MIL.

You are NOT the bad person. I'm so sorry that you're getting all this BS and being cast as the villian here. You are not the villian. You are not doing anything wrong or cruel or unfair.
You are doing what is best for your MIL, your husband and yourself.
She needs to be in facility care because her needs cannot be managed at your house.
I've did in-home caregiving for almost 25 years. Believe me when I say, based on what you've said about your MIL, her care cannot be managed at your house. I have worked for clients who I had to threaten to report on because the care of their "loved one" was not being managed in the home.
They were good people who were trying very hard and had the best intentions. They weren't coping because their "loved one" needed more than could be provided in their family's home.
Your MIL needs more too.
(2)
Report
What would all the siblings to do meet MIL's needs if your house was not one of the options?

THAT'S the answer.

I have no idea what MIL's current set-up is, but I'm going to assume she's in a nursing home situation of some kind. I find that most people don't understand the levels of care available in nursing home situations, so I'll guess she's in the incorrect level of care. Perhaps she should be in a board and care home. Perhaps she's not bad enough to be in a home and can get by with a roommate in an apartment. (Again, I have no way of knowing what her situation is.)

I take it you've done this with her before, so it is well known that your home is also not good care for her. If her current situation isn't giving her adequate care and your home was also not the place for adequate care, then they need to find Plan C,D, and so forth until they figure it out, but Plan A is already past its expiration date.

Simply remove your home from the list of options, then sit back and watch them scramble to find a better situation than what she has.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Hard ..No
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

So, sibling says you're selfish.

So what?

It doesn't make it true, does it?

Why doesn't THAT SIBLING have MIL move in with her/him, if it will be so little work?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
MargaretMcKen Jul 2022
He's overseas, hasn't offered to move MIL to live with him. Let alone organise movements several times a month. Probably views is as too hard - for him, of course.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Sibling 1 called the case manager, they will give 45 hours a week to cover my work and drive time. They said I could get groceries delivered to my home.

The student is Sibling 1 niece, 19 years old. Nice girl but flighty. Her dad is not in the picture and her mom died 6 months ago of breast cancer. She has been living with Sibling 1. Sibling 1 will do dr appointments.

Sibling 2 is overseas, willing to help with food bills. Sibling 3 is an addict out west which is why they were not included on call.

Husband is a project manager that works out of town several months a year.

This will solely be on me. They said that it will be less work for me because I will not have to go to the facility several times a day.

I do not want to do it and will not fight in front of mother in law.

I do not get along with Sibling 1 because he treats us like garbage and has a dominant personality and is intimidating. If Sibling 1 stays at the house, I would have a breakdown or stroke. This will not work. Sibling 2 texted me I am selfish.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
sp19690 Jul 2022
Did you tell your husband no this is not going to work and no mom can't move in with us?
(2)
Report
See 3 more replies
We had a family conference some years ago to set up almost the exact same thing.

EPIC FAIL, and I mean EPIC.

Everybody had a different idea for what they could/would do for care for mother. My 2 sisters would throw money at it, but would not do 'hands on'. One YB is still working FT and had zero 'free time'. Other YB has mom living with him, and while he bitterly complained about her care--he refused any kind of outside help--and at the end of the 'meeting' he was screaming at me for even bringing it up. He took this meeting to mean we were all judging HIM, and the whole idea was to find care so he WOULDN'T be the only CG.

Your situation, like ours, had too many moving parts and just was an untenable solution.

In the end, nobody was speaking to anyone else. YB was so angry and it took him about 3 years to 'get over it'. Meanwhile just complaining nonstop about the time Mother's care took him. He REFUSES any help, so it is what it is.

Personally, I wouldn't attempt this at any cost.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I think you have a better chance of finding a unicorn that shoots rainbows than you have for this scenario to work out.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Isthisrealyreal Jul 2022
That was funny.
(4)
Report
No. I just read your last post and you said DH is out of town most of the time. Meaning you are stuck with MIL and siblings that didn't feel you should be in the meeting when its clear your going to be the Caregiver with most of the responsibility.

And you better run the student getting paid MILs SS just to be there at night by Medicaid. Medicaid could look at that as gifting or as a conflict of interest. The student probably has no hands on experience. Will she be able to change a Depends or be waking u up to do it. 1400 a month more than pays for this students tuition in a Jr. College.

I agree MIL was not getting good care at the AL. Really, tge Nurse is capable of giving an insulin shot, Find another AL. Maybe her care is more than an AL can handle. Time for LTC. As I said before, go over the case mangers head.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
sp19690 Jul 2022
Crazy how MIL is to be moved into her home with her DH and she was left out of this meeting and decision that will 100% impact her too.
(4)
Report
Nope! Doesn't sound like it would work at all.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

NO. Bad idea all the way around.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Yes, it's a bad idea. It seems as though some are creating scenarios for others to undertake.

Just as to the community college person, at that age many aren't mature or life experienced enough to handle care of an elder, especially if they're "party oriented".

This is NOT a workable solution, for all the reasons stated and even more that haven't been addressed.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Hang on while I line up the ducks for myself.

So...

Your DH and two of his siblings met for a summit conference. Presumably Sibling 3 was on speakerphone or something?

DH agreed that his mother would come and live at your house. Medicaid will supply up to x hours of in-home daytime caregiver support per week. What is x, please? And where are the caregivers to come from?

Sibling 1 will be paid $1400 for 18-20 night shifts per month. Sibling 1 is available 3-4 nights every week, week in week out, year round, is that correct? Is never ill, never goes out of town, never has guests at home or better things to do in the evenings? Or is the nominee S1's student child, whom we'll call Niece - and this young person is available 3-4 nights per week, including vacations, work experience, field trips, and never wants to travel or spend time with friends? And certainly *never* gets hungover? And has no plans to finish her studies and pursue career prospects?

Sibling 2 will contribute 2 nights per week free of charge, and MIL will be packed up every other weekend and travel to Sibling 2's house.

So. When DH is busy or away, and Sibling 1/Niece find they have stuff they have to do, and Sibling 2 is having renovations done or in-laws to stay, and the Medicaid caregivers can't be had for love or money (there is something of a global crisis in social care recruitment going on, you know) and these things happen all at once - awwww, it's only this once! - who gets to look after MIL?

That wouldn't be you, by any chance, would it?

I think you should tell the whole dam' boiling of them that you weren't born yesterday and you're not so green you're cabbage-looking.

Besides, has anyone asked MIL if she wants to be billeted on her DIL and packed off from pillar to post every other weekend? What does she think of all this?
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
SnoopyLove Jul 2022
“And certainly *never* gets hungover. . . . “

Ha!
(2)
Report
Based on your previous posts about how much trouble this situation has caused in your home, I think this is a TERRIBLE idea.

How much are YOU going to be paid? You gave up your job to be a caregiver, right? And now money is tight?

Medicaid is going to provide what, 10 hours a week?

YOU are still giving her insulin 4 times a day, right?

What happens when the student has exams? When is she expected to sleep? Study?

You will end up doing all the work...again. This is the kind of "plan" that discharge people are always trying to foist upon folks. It never works.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Your thinking is lucid and based on experience.

If her needs are not being met in IL, the next “tier” in my area is AL, -Assisted Living.

Presuming on their part that YOU are the next step indicates that they don’t really understand that her needs will be increasing (no one can accurately predict how fast), and also that they think you’re THE CHOICE for the indefinite future.

If/when you break the news to them, they will object, and may continue to object for the long term. The longer you let this go, the harder the work will become for you and the harder it will be to get a fair, safe solution for Mom’s care needs.

Just as an aside, it also sounds that your sibs are willing to shift your mother around much more than her deteriorating condition will benefit from.

This happens in a lot of families. For YOUR welfare, but also for your mother’s, take a stand now. It will never get “easier”.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

No is not a four letter word! You know this is a bad idea. If your best friend wrote this to you....what would you think?
Were you part of the meeting? How convient that 1400 meshes with the night shift payments as suggested by a sibling. Huge red flag right there. Your mother is not to return to your house. I'm pretty sure there are other care facilities to look at, and why haven't they, if they think this one is not good enough?
This whole thing is bad. Really, really bad. I hope Burntcaregiver sees this and really lets you know what they think!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
deblarue Jul 2022
Amen Sista!!!!
(1)
Report
I don't know your Mom but it sounds like a bad idea to ME.
If all are on board with it, and can help watch for problems, then it is worth a "try" dependent on how willing people are to recognize the signs it isn't working at all.
If you are the one left doing all the care and all the watching then I think that your opinion on whether this is "working" is the one that should count.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter