Three of four siblings had a meeting this morning about their mom's care. They feel her needs are not met and want to return her to our house.

The Medicaid Waiver would pick up some in home care. One has a child at community college and they want mom to pay her the just over $1,400 in Social Security to pick up night shifts. Brother in law in town will take her every other weekend and stay at the house 2 nights a week. The sibling in the military cannot help but is willing to give $100 a week for food and incidentials.

I think it is a bad idea. What do you think?

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Hang on while I line up the ducks for myself.


Your DH and two of his siblings met for a summit conference. Presumably Sibling 3 was on speakerphone or something?

DH agreed that his mother would come and live at your house. Medicaid will supply up to x hours of in-home daytime caregiver support per week. What is x, please? And where are the caregivers to come from?

Sibling 1 will be paid $1400 for 18-20 night shifts per month. Sibling 1 is available 3-4 nights every week, week in week out, year round, is that correct? Is never ill, never goes out of town, never has guests at home or better things to do in the evenings? Or is the nominee S1's student child, whom we'll call Niece - and this young person is available 3-4 nights per week, including vacations, work experience, field trips, and never wants to travel or spend time with friends? And certainly *never* gets hungover? And has no plans to finish her studies and pursue career prospects?

Sibling 2 will contribute 2 nights per week free of charge, and MIL will be packed up every other weekend and travel to Sibling 2's house.

So. When DH is busy or away, and Sibling 1/Niece find they have stuff they have to do, and Sibling 2 is having renovations done or in-laws to stay, and the Medicaid caregivers can't be had for love or money (there is something of a global crisis in social care recruitment going on, you know) and these things happen all at once - awwww, it's only this once! - who gets to look after MIL?

That wouldn't be you, by any chance, would it?

I think you should tell the whole dam' boiling of them that you weren't born yesterday and you're not so green you're cabbage-looking.

Besides, has anyone asked MIL if she wants to be billeted on her DIL and packed off from pillar to post every other weekend? What does she think of all this?
Helpful Answer (10)
SnoopyLove Jul 2022
“And certainly *never* gets hungover. . . . “


Why are you going to the facility four times a day? There is no need for this.
You are going to continue to be villified by your MIL and the family. They are going to treat you like the doormat and continue to walk all over you and take advatage because you allow them to.
By now making four trips a day to the facility, everyone knows that you're willing and ready to be MIL's caregiver.
So I'm going to speak plainly to you. I don't mean to sound harsh but it's for your own good.

Knock off the BS with the four visits a day. Once visit a week for half an hour is more enough from you to your MIL.
You do not want to be her caregiver, so don't let yourself fall into the martyrdom of caregiving becauseyou think it will make the family members and your MIL villify you less.

It will not.
Helpful Answer (8)
deblarue Jul 2022
Amen BC!!!
Ok, all due respect - this is never going to work. I have two college aged daughters. Both are in my estimation - pretty mature and hard working. Both started out at CC to get their gen eds before transferring to 4 year colleges, not because they didn't have opportunities, but because they wanted to save the money. It's not just a walk in the park easy classes and hanging with your friends and partying. If you actually want to go to college, you treat it the same as any other educational opportunity. I'm concerned that your family may be underestimating the expectation that your 19 year old niece, that you've already described as flighty - is supposed to completely give up HER life to be paid $1400 a month indefinitely - to spend every single night caregiving. You already know this isn't going to work.

1. WHAT constitutes night? 7pm - 7am? 11pm-11am? What are the hours? M-F, S-S? How many nights a month?
2. What are her responsibilities? Is she bathing? Feeding? Housework? Medications?
3. Is she allowed to sleep? If so, is this person a light sleeper? Does she herself sleep like the dead and will she wake up if the LO wakes up and needs her? (P.S. My college kids sleep like the have to SHAKE them awake)
4. When will she be allowed to do her homework? Exams? Study? What about when her class schedule changes and she now has a night class? Who will cover that night? What about if she has an early morning lab and has to leave early?
5. When does she get a night off? Who covers that?
6. She is NINETEEN! When does she get to be a teenager? She is selling her soul as young person for $1400 a month because the other adults in the family aren't stepping in to take responsibility here.
7. What happens in an emergency? Is she responsible for transporting to the ER and staying with them, providing all medical information - does she have the authority to allow medical treatment in emergency or would she? Is she authorized to transport to the hospital in lieu of an ambulance?

All things to think about if this goes any further.

My girls are what I consider pretty mature. But I would never ask this of them at this stage. It is a lot and they are a few years older than your niece. That probably sounds like a lot of money to her but I doubt she realizes what it will cost her to earn it.

Neither should YOU be the only one taking responsibility either. There has to be a workable solution here that doesn't involve one person sacrificing their lives to make this happen.

You have got to extricate yourself from this. As long as you are giving them the solution - YOU...they are never going to find another solution. You are always going to be the solution.
Helpful Answer (8)
MeDolly Jul 2022
I so agree with this post!
I think you have a better chance of finding a unicorn that shoots rainbows than you have for this scenario to work out.
Helpful Answer (7)
Isthisrealyreal Jul 2022
That was funny.
Your thinking is lucid and based on experience.

If her needs are not being met in IL, the next “tier” in my area is AL, -Assisted Living.

Presuming on their part that YOU are the next step indicates that they don’t really understand that her needs will be increasing (no one can accurately predict how fast), and also that they think you’re THE CHOICE for the indefinite future.

If/when you break the news to them, they will object, and may continue to object for the long term. The longer you let this go, the harder the work will become for you and the harder it will be to get a fair, safe solution for Mom’s care needs.

Just as an aside, it also sounds that your sibs are willing to shift your mother around much more than her deteriorating condition will benefit from.

This happens in a lot of families. For YOUR welfare, but also for your mother’s, take a stand now. It will never get “easier”.
Helpful Answer (6)

We had a family conference some years ago to set up almost the exact same thing.

EPIC FAIL, and I mean EPIC.

Everybody had a different idea for what they could/would do for care for mother. My 2 sisters would throw money at it, but would not do 'hands on'. One YB is still working FT and had zero 'free time'. Other YB has mom living with him, and while he bitterly complained about her care--he refused any kind of outside help--and at the end of the 'meeting' he was screaming at me for even bringing it up. He took this meeting to mean we were all judging HIM, and the whole idea was to find care so he WOULDN'T be the only CG.

Your situation, like ours, had too many moving parts and just was an untenable solution.

In the end, nobody was speaking to anyone else. YB was so angry and it took him about 3 years to 'get over it'. Meanwhile just complaining nonstop about the time Mother's care took him. He REFUSES any help, so it is what it is.

Personally, I wouldn't attempt this at any cost.
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Sometimes... Just sometimes...

I find I'm apoplectic.

You're selfish because you're not prepared to do other people's work? Without reward?
You should consider yourself lucky because theoretically a "generous" amount of caregiver support is graciously awarded by the state system?

On your behalf, if you'll allow the liberty, can I just say to all of them...

Oh! Just! F*** - RIGHT - off!!!

The facility is not doing its job.
DH doesn't have time to look after his mother.
Sib 1 has her hands full.
Niece is 19 years old, ffs.
Sib 2 is otherwise engaged, on vital work I don't doubt but probably not the indefinite 24/365 commitment you're being expected to volunteer for.

And this crisis for them morphs into your responsibility... how?

No. The proposed burden falls altogether at your feet and is unreasonable. Just NO.
Helpful Answer (6)

The thing is, the reason they're all looking reproachful at poor MILHell, is that they see it like this: *everybody's* going to do their bit! We're all sharing! We've divided it all up fairly, and it's only MILH who's letting the side down. Boo hiss!

And everybody *is* prepared to do their bit, as follows:

It's DH's house, it's his mother, he's offering her a home. [Only he isn't there. Because he has to work, and work takes him out of town. Fallback primary caregiver - OP].

Sibling 1 will take MIL to all her doctor's appointments. [Except when she can't, for undeniably good reasons. Fallback driver and escort - OP].

Niece will stay in the home overnight during the week and cover the night shift. [Except when she has assignments, or exams, or a chance of work experience, or - for heaven's sake, the kid's only 19, it's fair enough - a party to go to. Fallback night shift cover - OP].

Sibling 2 will cover 2 nights a week, and have MIL to stay at his home at the weekends. [Except when he can't, because he has other commitments or, fair enough again, has done 3 weekends on the trot and it's been exhausting and they really all need a break. Fallback weekend cover - OP].

Medicaid will supply 45 hours of caregiver support during the week. That does sound generous, and will in theory allow the OP enough "free time" to hold down her job. [And when there aren't 45 hours' worth of real life caregivers to supply? When they're ill, or they've torn a knee ligament, or they've taken jobs elsewhere, or they're late, or the OP is asked to attend a meeting that overruns, and "we just don't have the capacity, we just can't get the staff"? - Fallback caregiver - OP].

Overseas sibling will contribute $100 a week towards MIL's living costs. Well, that's very nice of him and probably as much as he can possibly do. And how does that translate into more than 24 hours a day for the OP? It doesn't.

The fact is that although there is no need to doubt anyone's sincerity or commitment, reality WILL intrude. And every single time it intrudes, it will land hard on the OP.

The plan is Not Fair BS.
Helpful Answer (6)
BlueEyedGirl94 Jul 2022
100% agree with every word. As long as OP is in the equation this is the scenario all day every day until all of the other family members just fade away and its just MILHell again. The solution is the one that everyone is trying to avoid by patching together round the clock care for someone that clearly NEEDS round the clock care.....and that's not sustainable in her home!
No is not a four letter word! You know this is a bad idea. If your best friend wrote this to you....what would you think?
Were you part of the meeting? How convient that 1400 meshes with the night shift payments as suggested by a sibling. Huge red flag right there. Your mother is not to return to your house. I'm pretty sure there are other care facilities to look at, and why haven't they, if they think this one is not good enough?
This whole thing is bad. Really, really bad. I hope Burntcaregiver sees this and really lets you know what they think!
Helpful Answer (4)
deblarue Jul 2022
Amen Sista!!!!
I think it's a bad idea.

What sounds good on paper turns out, oftentimes, to be a nightmare in reality.

Leave her where teams of caregivers working 24/7 can see to her needs vs. a 'child at community college' to care for her at night........who knows WHAT, exactly, about caregiving? And a BIL in town who will take her every other weekend and stay at the house 2 nights a week. Truly, this sounds so patched together that it will be literally impossible to iron out. Honestly.

Caregiving is not meant to be a patched-together fiasco where 10 people are trying to fit an elder into their already too busy schedule. That's a recipe for disaster and everyone KNOWS it.

Oh, and she needs INSULIN 4x a day to boot? Come on! Who'll be designated that duty? Or will that be thrown to whomever is available at any given time who does or does not know one darn thing about administering NEEDLES to elders? Insanity. That's what this 'plan' is.

Too many cooks spoil the broth, also. Who is the ONE POA here who can make ONE rational decision about this elder's care moving forward?
Helpful Answer (4)
anonymous1473280 Jul 2022
I go to the facility 4 times a day now.
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