My mom is up and around the house just once a week. She doesn't exercise too often. She won't do any form of PT because of Covid fears.
Just today, we were talking about some car stuff and she said at one point "do I drive?" I tried to motivate her by simply asking "don't you want to drive again?" I wasn't mean or going below the belt when I asked. She said yes with a small degree of enthusiasm, but then got emotional, started crying, and went after me by saying "don't remind me of what I can't do." She wants me to talk about the things going right, such as her being able to sit up straight and "having a good shower" earlier in the day. Her definition of a good shower involves me helping her in some areas. No TMI-type help btw.
It's pathetic. She brought up how she's sick of being in the shape she's in while she was upset, but the thing is, ignoring problems and only focusing on positives won't solve anything. Not wanting to put in more effort to address her problems and her opting for encouragement over motivation won't help her walk again.
Stuff like that is why I have a hard time trying to get her to do things and why I hardly bother telling her the things she needs to hear. If I build up just enough courage to make a simple suggestion, I run the risk of upsetting her. She goes after anyone who, rightfully, suggests she exercise.
I wonder if other elderly parents pull stuff like this.
What medical assessment have you had? As you describe your Mom I think a baseline measurement is called for in this case, as something about these reactions when you talk together sounds "off". That could just be hearing it third hand. But there is something here underlying and it could be anything. Could be simple depression. Could be early changes indicating some dementia if you are seeing also short term memory, balance issues, other things.
I would encourage Mom to have a good POA in place. I would accompany her to MD to discuss what might be going on. Could be anything from vitamin insufficiency to early problems but you need diagnostics from a medical professional now.
She does need to see a dietician/nutritionist and not lean on her own understanding. Snacking on candy and cookies aren't helping her regain her energy, let alone making her better by any means.
Is Mom still on Chemo for her cancer? If so there is something call chemo fog. Has Mom always been a negative person? If so ur not going to change her now. If not, then she maybe depressed.
Get Mom to her doctor and have labs run. The labs will show if there are any problems physically. As said, a UTI can cause Dementia like symptoms and it can become septic so nothing to fool around with. Low potassium levels can cause depression symptoms. The thyroid controls hormones. Chemo can effect the heart.
When people have Cancer they then have to look at their mortality. Will they survive or will they die. Mom at 70 has to deal with knowing that death could be just around the corner. How depressing is that. Some people take it as a chance to do that bucket list, others go into themselves. My friends husband found he was stage 4 lung cancer. They chose to do their bucket list by traveling as much as they could. Maybe it would be good for Mom to talk to a therapist.
If Covid wasn't around, she would've done PT. She won't even do in-home PT for fear of catching Covid. She tells me to mask up, but she doesn't the few times we have people over here. Until Covid is gone, I'm stuck in this mess and she's stuck in the house. It's the equivalent of waiting for a really, really long storm to pass through.
As far as being out of bed, she was doing better 2 years ago than she is right now. Idk if it's laziness, a longer-than-expected recovery, or, heaven forbid, cancer coming back.
I want to plan for my future, but caregiving, along with Covid, are in my way.
To add on, if Covid and finances weren't issues, I would've put her in the nursing home a long time ago. She needs to turn to experts to help her improve and not someone like me that has zero knowledge or interest in caregiving, PT, or nursing-related duties.
She broke her back in 2009 and had reparative surgery, so she could still walk and do all other movements but what we didn't realize is that she was inadvertently addicted to the pain pills. That, plus her low motivation (and probably depression) resulted in her barely getting out of her recliner to walk her dog or do PT in the following years, so naturally she didn't rehab to her fullest.
But then it all rolling into memory loss/mild dementia. She transitioned into an AL, but then started to refuse to get out of bed, even though she could (per her medical exams). We tried everything to motivate her: paying for extra PT, incentive charts, rewards....nothing worked. So now she is bedridden of her own accord in LTC. This is really due to her dementia.
IMO I don't think your mom is "pulling" anything. She probably has dementia/memory loss. If you are your mom's medical PoA, please take her in for a cognitive/memory exam so that at least you know what you're dealing with and can have appropriate expectations for her daily life.
Did she have surgery for her cancer? Maybe she has post-op cognitive issues from anesthesia (which is common in older patients). Has she been tested for a UTI? Was she catheterized recently due to her cancer treatment? UTIs are also very common in elderly women and don't have that much to do with hygiene but rather changes in physiology. Untreated UTIs can create dementia-like symptoms. Has she had her thyroid checked lately? Untreated thyroid problems can cause dementia-like symptoms. Is she on medications? Are you managing those for her? If not she may be over- or under-medicating herself and this could also cause the symptoms you are seeing in her. Please help her figure it out -- she doesn't seem able to do it on her own. It will help both of you.
However, she hasn't done any tests of any kind. She hasn't been to the hospital or any doctor's office since the treatments ended in 2018. With Covid still around, she's too scared to get out of the house. The 2020 primaries was the last time she went ANYWHERE.
She's not 60. She's 70.