Does anyone else wonder how our generation will handle end of life care?

I'd say it's much more a matter of individual personalities than specific generations. You could throw darts at a map and find all types.

Based on just the title, I thought the question might be about younger people with slacker attitudes toward caregiving in the future, but any generalizations probably don't fit this topic.

Hard to say. As I was growing up there always seemed to be an unspoken rule about respecting your parents, grandparents as they aged.

My family was not prepared for old age. No life insurance adequate to take care of final expenses.

My my parents lived in the moment and never worried about the future.
My dad had a good paying job that he was very fortunate to have .
But saving money and preparing for their old age and death was not a priority.
MY mom realized this when it was too late and she had Parkinsons.
My husband and I have life policies so that our children aren’t scratching their heads when we die .
I don’t understand how you can not think of at least that much. It’s s responsible thing to do.

if she complains there, just imagine how she would if living with you..so don't resent because there is nothing you can do about it. Live your life and plan for your old age while still in a good frame of mind..i am doing the same at age 67

My mother took care of my grandmother at end of life. As a granddaughter, I was a part of that. I enjoyed 3 generations in one household. Now I am taking care of my mother at end of life. Consists of both good days and bad but overall I would not institutionalize her. I've witnessed first hand very poor care in facilities. My mother and I discussed her wishes prior to now and I will do all I can to keep her at home and bring in help when/if necessary. I think our lifelong relationships with our mothers can affect our desire to caregive or not.

I think that many of us, in our 50's/60's who have or are caring for our parents/inlaws have learned a lot of lessons from our efforts. My parents died young--my father was 45, my mother 57. My inlaws are very self centered people, They chose not to live here in retirement, and spent very little time with us/their grand kids. My MIL has been unkind to me most of my marriage. She is a very insecure person. I believe she was very wounded in her youth and hurt people hurt people. Their choices have made their relationships very shallow, and quite honestly, after facing years and years of trying to please them, be kind to only get accusations and ugliness, I gave up. I support my husband and my brother and do a lot of the behind the scenes work, but don't have much relationship. None of their grands have much with them because my inlaws never chose to invest beyond a "trophy picture on the mantle" depth with them.
SO we and our kids have learned through this. We are making proactive steps to get our finances in order. We are making our house where we can live in it until we need a NH. We told our kids to just turn the locks to the outside and lock us in if they had too! haha! (that's a joke...sort of). We are also getting all the POA's in line. Wills in line. etc. BUT more importantly, we are fostering a good and loving relationship with our sons & their wives. We are not wealthy by any means, but we hope to have enough to get by comfortably.
I had to help my aunt/uncle to downsize their 4000 sq ft farm house when they finally moved to independent living senior apartments. That experience taught me a LOT about what is important to hang on to and what is not, so DH and I have been downsizing our treasures and continue to do so. We have realized that some of the things we inherited will not have the same emotional connection to our kids, because they never knew the people they came from, so we are prepared to let go of those things.
When it comes down to it, the most important things on earth are not things--they are people. The people we have relationships with. SO we are focusing on making those relationships rich and pleasant.

I don't think your mother's attitude is a generational thing. It is just her personality and her expectation that she is to be taken care of.. Another older adult, like my own father, would apologize to us for "being a bother" if he had an emergency and he expressed gratitude for our doing even the most basic things.

I sounds like your mother i fortunate enough to have the resources for her ongoing care. You do not need to cater to her selfish complaints and demands. visit her if you wish and tell her you are glad she has a clean, safe place to live, but focus on taking care of yourself and the rest of your family.

Don't assume anything about what you will or will not do when you get to be 86 years old. You can only hope that you are of sound mind and can make the same decision that you mention at this point in your life.

I don't think most older people intentionally end up relying on their children. It can come because of an accident or health problem that they (and the family) hope is just a bump in the road and ends up being a long term problem. You go to help out for a short period of time. They weren't ready for a major change in their life like moving out of their home. One day becomes the next.

When you don't have the story book family relationship early on, I suppose it does create resentment when they need you most because you remember when you needed more from them at an earlier time.

The most you can do at this point is to give your own children what you didn't get so they don't have the feelings of resentment should things not turn out the way you plan them at your current age versus the reality of what you become at age 86.

It is perhaps important to note that no assisted living facility will be perfect because nothing in this life can ever be perfect. Even the very best place will be somewhat restrictive and freedom is the most precious and enjoyable thing to most of us.When, for whatever reason, we become helpless and dependent we must make the best of our situation. We must arrange the best we can way ahead of time and adjust ourselves as best we can.Avoiding becoming a burden to anyone isd in itself a very enjoyable feeling. Love to all

I have no children and hope to spend the next few decades cultivating strong friendships. Eventually I hope my partner and I will living close to or on the same property with several families and couples, and helping one another as we grow old. Perhaps pooling resources to hire nurses and whatever other help we need. Having communally owned gardens, dogs, cats, goats and other pets around so we stay youthful and joyful caring for other living things. There are some communities already established along these lines.

Peace and strength to you as you navigate your healing journey! It is beautiful that you do not wish to burden your children; I would not be surprised if they reward your thoughtful and kind nature by wanting to care for you.

I believe a few factors are at work here. For one, many children no longer live close to their parents--they accept employment far from their parents because that's the nature of society now, especially for those with educations, and many move several times during their careers. Another is that many of the parents are living longer than in previous generations, so, as an example I like to give, the parent who died of a heart attack a generation or two ago now gets a bypass, and then lives a few years more while developing dementia. The difference between, let's say, 85 and 92 can be like night and day. Finally, in many families there are fewer children, so the tasks associated with caring for parents falls on one or two children instead of perhaps five (and of course in other families there are no children, so the parents must obtain their care outside the family).

Having said that, I believe there will always be some narcissists. My nephew got married last year, and they are currently planning to move 900 miles from where they are currently living. The bride's sister, who lives quite close by, is very resentful toward them...because she is worried as to whom she'll get to babysit her 12 y/o son when she and her husband want to go on a vacation!

My wife and I have no children and not enough money to pay for EOL help. I wonder if we could decide to die, but who would help us?

I think some of the older generation feels that they should be taken care of by their children because that is what they did with their parents. But we are in different times and not "all" people can be caregiver 24/7 and hold down their own family/jobs, etc.  There are some that were born to have that in their genetics but not all.  We all say we won't be a burden to our kids, but at some point we will rely on them for certain things.  But it is up to "us" to make sure our children know that when things get to be too much for them, that "we" would like to be placed into a facility where we can be taken care of and then "hopefully" our children will come and visit.  Both my parents said that when they could no longer be taken care of at home, they didn't want to be a burden and go into a home.  My dad developed dementia and after many falls and my mother "losing her sanity of his antics" (she is diabetic and her sugars were going up), we had to have him placed into a NH (which happened after the last fall).  My mother, 93, (I can tell) is starting to have some minor memory issues and I am sure within the next year or 2 she will also be in a home, at her request of nothing being a burden.  Each generation has their own issues but we all must make our wishes known beforehand (get POA's in line, write down what you want, etc).  Have a good elder attorney lined up also.  Wishing you luck.

i can definitely tell you that old age alone does not cause narcissm nor any other mental problem. My Mama, my Grandma, and many other beloved family members retained their lovely and strong characters and oersonality until death.i cannot fully explain dementia nor can anyone. however, I do know head injuries can cause it. i also do know that ongoing drug use whether legal or illegal inevitably leads to mental problems even dementia.I am 86, strong, healthy, med free, and pain free. I am hoping and praying that good food, hard work, and the grace of God will allow me to stay in my right mind and die in my own home. However, I do have LTCI and I have instructed my son and my doctors as to which assisted living facilities I would prefer if i become physically or mentally seriously impaired.I also am debt free and my funeral is fully paid for. I will always be glad I threw away prescriptions for vicodin, lipitor, fosomax, and thiazide without ever filling them. I advise everyone to avoid such things and also to avoid any so called antidepressants.Love to all

Your mother sounds like my MIL. It is not you. It is that she has never been nice. My MIL never asks about her grandkids or greatgrandkids. She is only concerned about her stuff. Like you my wife still cares for her. But it is effecting her health and our marriage. Good luck.

Good Morning, You have just described my situation, except i brought my mom to live with me after I sold her house. She is being taken care of by a Health-aid while I am at work. My mother has NPH, her shunt never really gave her the quality of life we were expecting. She is now very fragile and I believe she is entering end of life stage due to the deterioration of her brain.

The experience of taking care of my mother and all I have endured because of her personality, i have enrolled myself in a Long Term Care policy for my old age phase. Not only do I not want to be a burden, but i certainly do not want any family member telling me where I have to be. I do not have children, only stepchildren, nieces , and nephews. I have seen everyone of them wash there hands and not even call to see how she is doing. My brother and his children live 4 hours away from me, my brother has come to
see her 4 times in the last 4 years and two of his children have only come once. These are the nieces and nephews that would probably send me straight to a nursing home. You need to put a plan in place for yourself now and not assume or hope that in the future you wont be a burden to anyone. The feeling of burden may turn out to be the person responsible for handling your affairs and may not have anything to do with you doing anything wrong.

Yes. I've become more religious (LOL) because I pray the end of my life is safe and comfortable and not in an institution or any setting beyond what brings me the comfort...of home. I have chosen not to have children and am single and there are many more of me floating around out there getting older as we all are. I have worked in the field and remain haunted by a determined woman who was estranged from her only child who lived far out of state. Against her thoughts and feelings, but later delighted...a social worker (not me) communicated with the adult son who got re-involved until her death. Her home looked messy but was set up for her comfort and ability to function/manage independently. I try not to worry because of reading reports that those that caregive for those with dementia have an increased risk. I have seen my grandmother in a bad nursing home in the years before Alzheimer's was even discussed, and now my mother, age 98, clearly has dementia and would not be able to be in her home without the 24/7 presence of myself and my father (who is clueless as to risks/dangers which adds stress to me). He is very naive and trusting. Right now, as I write this I see the garage door is open with his lawn mower in clear view, 2 cars in the garage, his with the window down and remote for the garage able to be easily taken.
Anyhow, although I have friends, a recent short stay in the hospital showed me who would be there for me and it wasn't who I expected completely...though maybe not so bad a thing since I realized a couple who didn't were so complacent and succumbed to medical authority they would not be a good advocate for protecting my well-being. Which boils it all down to the person caring for me being potentially an out of state somewhat self-centered sibling. As in she would never consider moving back to this state unless it greatly benefited her, as in if she were in great need and needed my help.
Just a different spin for those who do not have children...and it does sound like your mother has not been a nice person...I can relate to that. Take care...

Hello.

ive been paying for longterm insurance for my husband and myself since i was in my mid-50s and keep hoping the insurance keeps us on. I turned 80 this year and am still active and looking for a job. But im not counting on on my health.

i wrote a letter to my daughter and granddaughter (Out if state) the other day telling im apologizing now for what the future may bring. I havent mentioned that i have low-grade hardening of the arteries which is incurable. I’ll tell them as progression happens as there is no cure. It eats away the white matter in the brain.

i’ve investigated long term facilities in the area as my husband refuses to go and i will be on my own and of course want someplace nice.

anyway ... to answer your question ... yes i do think some things are generational. Im old enough to remember smelly crowded nursing facilities. In fact unfortunately they are still around. But ive found some clean sunny active places and am on the waiting list for when the time comes. I just hope my mental capacity is intact to enjoy those before going to memory care ... also nice facilities ... where i wont notice.

of course the main ingredient in all this are the caregivers. The facility may be beautiful but if the caregivers arent it will be sad.

now all i need to do is clean the house.

I have the same mother father combo. My mother is not a nice person and has not improved with age. She is 80. I am battling cancer too right now and need my energy. I have been implementing boundaries. Phone calls once a week. I don’t get involved in issues for which they can hire someone. Stuff like that. Still hard as even the weekly call is usually upsetting. Take care of yourself!

I do wonder. For those of us without kids, I suppose it will be AL or NHs of some kind. Or just passing away without help at home. Too many people I know of my generation have, unfortunately, addled themselves with drugs or too much alcohol and passed away in their 50s or 60s. As for the rest of us, I have gotten over any expectation of staying in my own home forever, if care needs to be beyond someone I pay coming in a few times a week. I hope NH's and AL are better someday. One NH my mom was in for rehab had all pink chairs and curtains in the women's resident rooms...and blue in the men's resident rooms. It felt like a baby nursery and was awful. I never want to see that color of pink again!!

It is hard dealing with people with dementia. My MIL has dementia and narcissism. She is in ASL. I can't imagine having her live with us. I am fortunate my husband would not allow her to live with us. She can be mean and demanding. I have learned to hang up on her and we visit now only once a week. One of us talks to her most days. She thinks she is the smartest, most athletic and best cook there is. She may be average in all. I just listen and if I get tired of it I say I have to go.
It is hard to visit now and she can go out. We are trying to get her to leave her room and come outside on her own but she has been refusing. She says she still walks but we do not believe her. Should we keep trying or make the effort just to visit her in her room. I think it is good if she walks or goes outside. I think she may be scared to walk or leave her room. She has always liked us to go up and take her back. Now you have to make an appointment to visit.

Sones like what goez around comes around. I suppose if your mom had hzve been a nicer person. You would probably be nicer to her.
I think there will always be people letting their parents live with them. People that will put them in a Senior Home and People that do nothing.
My Dad is 96 and he stayed in his own home where he wanted to be with 24 7 Care.
The Insurance won't cover it as they will only cover the price if my Dad is in a Senior Care Place.
Fortunately my Dad has enough money to pay for his Care for about 3 yrs then I will try to hire a Live In for him because it would be less expensive.

I don’t think it’s you not wanting to give her energy and time. She wasn’t a nice person and you shouldn’t be burdened with her care. I think it is part of her nature to be difficult and make unreasonable demands. She should have planned to not be a burden. If she was pleasant and loving, your attitude would be different.

I have many friends that have parents that planned for their care, even if they didn’t have a lot of funds. I have friends with kind and loving parents and my friends are happy to be around them and pitch in. I married a person with a tight knit happy family and every talks through options and makes reasonable decisions.

Similar to you, my mother was abusive and neglectful. I HAD to disconnect years ago for my own well being. I now manage her care from a distance. Putting in boundaries was very hard. Nothing made her happy in her life and she’s still that way even with dementia!

I’m not sure it’s generational. I think there have always been families that function better than others. But our generation is aware that we will be living longer. Our families are smaller and our children face a higher cost of living and will need to work longer. And those of us that have had those mean and selfish parents, don’t want our children to suffer with our care.

I believe that when it comes to old age, each person may have had plans but a lot of the time they just don't work out. My parents were planners, my mother kept a multi-year family budget planner their entire married life (70 years). Yet when it came to getting older, they completely ignored the fact and never planned for it. I had to step in during an emergency and basically make all the decisions in one week.
I have tried to set up for myself as much financial help as possible for my future. The thing I am worried about is losing my ability to make good decisions and not having anyone to help me with those. If I had had any children, I would not expect them to do anything caregiving for me.

I am also 60 with a mom 87. She is living in independent living for about 6 months now. It's not ideal since coronavirus has limited so much of the activities. My mom gave me mixed messages. I moved from Ohio to Florida about a year before she moved to IL. I had told her for years we were thinking of doing that. She has always been extremely independent. She never balked or had a conversation with me when I brought it up. But man oh man, I found out she had been crying and complaining to the rest of the family about it. Apparently she figured I would take care of her. I never wanted to move in together because she is still my mom, and as my mom, she is the boss, and I just can't take not being my own boss. I think it was the right decision for her to go to IL. Her memory declined rapidly after I left to Florida. All the relatives are saying its my fault for moving. I would gladly move her to IL here in Florida. But, now she is with her sisters and is familiar with the area there. So, its the best to stay there. Anyway, no easy answers.

Good Day. I hardly know where to start...my own Mom is 86 and in rapidly declining health, physically...her physician has recommended AL but Mom refuses to leave her little house in a rural area near the small town where she grew up. Pre-Covid, I traveled to her home every 6 weeks to visit, take her to doctors, etc...she was still driving then and could manage daily things and I enjoyed time spent with her. We toured a number of Senior communities near the larger city where I live so she could see how AL has changed and I felt a huge weight lifted off, knowing Mom has plenty of money to live in a nice place for many years and all but agreed to move when the time came. Well, little did I know she has other plans. She expects me to give up my job, home and life and move in with her; I refuse to do that-I live near my own children and grands, have a job and a home so now, she is threatening to ask her 'new friend' (a woman my family barely knows but who Mom has latched onto) to move in and take care of her. I arranged for Home Health to come in daily but Mom has fired all of the ladies, one by one because she doesn't need them. We do not have a POA or even a Med POA...she refuses to sign either because she's heard horror stories of children who robbed their parents of life savings and so forth. Her mental state is such that no judge will give grant a guardianship; Mom is really good at acting like she's in control when visiting the dr or at the bank, etc. but dissolves into a scared, lost little lady when back in the car. My 2 younger brothers live out of state and visit once a year and, tho I do send updates on Mom's health, they have no clue the physical & emotional toll caring for her has taken on me. Her paranoia and loneliness means daily calls and I simply don't have the energy any longer; my one glass of wine has turned into 3, I've put on a few pounds, I don't enjoy my own life like I used to because I am consumed by my Mom's. Is that normal? I'm a very healthy 64 yrs young single woman and I am tired. Covid restrictions has only exacerbated her loneliness ( for so many, I know) yet I still make the trip and do what what I can, knowing it's never enough. We have the same tired circular chats about her needing to move into AL where she can be looked after but she insists it is MY job to care for her. My Mom was always a social person and I think she would thrive in AL, after a period of transition...her world is so small now and she hates it and I know she wants to maintain control of her life...I KNOW this yet still beat myself up for becoming annoyed with her because, after all, she's my mother. I pray for endurance.

I tell my kids frequently... place me when I need placing! We laugh and they repeat...”Mom will need a good tv, pizza once a week and fun pajamas!” Also...they have seen firsthand the issues with my parents.

My prayers are with you for your total healing. You have a lot on your shoulders. I am so sorry you are going through this.🙏🌻

I think it’s a family thing, my Mother took care of her parents till the end, she does have a sister & brother who helped by giving her a break for 2 weeks every other year. She always assumed I would take care of her. I am an only child. Well she came to live with me 30 years ago and now I am her 365/24/7 caregiver she is unable to do anything for herself. One time when she had cataract surgery she must of said something and the nurses said she one of those who except their children to take total care of them. So here I am 30 years of caregiving. Don’t get me wrong it has only been 4 years of total care giving she was able to do her own thing up till then, but it feels like 30 years cause she is a very needy person.
always there even our family vacations she came along. Now I am her house slave. It is probably a family thing cultural thing. I have started that I do not want my children to take care of me, it is a horrible ending.

Sorry that you mom feels she is the "queen" and all should revolve around her. There are wonderful seniors that are cared for at home - my grandparents were like that - and those who are difficult to care for (let alone live with)- my dad will be that person. Usually the more difficult personalities and more difficult types of care require a permanent 24/7/365 residential facility. Staff caring for residents have the luxury of going home for "time off" from caring. Seems that you may need to see your life more in this light - care when you are there and live your life outside of the visit.

It's your mother. My Mom took care of herself as long as she could and insisted on moving to Assisted Living when she could no longer manage at home alone. Each of her 3 daughters offered to have her move in with them and she said no, so as not to be a burden. I am sorry your situation with your mother is so different, stressful, and not at all what any of us would wish on another person. Please do take care of yourself as much as you possibly can. That is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family. My thoughts are with you and I hope you will find strength and encouragement from all of the supportive notes I see on this forum.

Sounds so much like my mother, always complaining, returning everything my sister and I are asked to order. She is so bored and sleeping all day is her favorite activity. Got her a daily evening sitter and have set boundaries for myself. If she leaves a phone msg I do return her calls if urgent. Limit and shorten visits. Sister and two daughters visit when they can. Tried countless activities for her and she wants no part of them. She expects to be entertained all day. I make sure she has her needs met but more and more not by me. She is tired of covid and she has threatened to call a cab or ride a bus. She moves little due to neglect of bad knees so good luck with that mom!

I help and enjoy caring for my six grandchildren. My mother resents this and is jealous although she cared nothing for her own grandchildren.