My brothers have taken over caring for my father who is at home in hospice. They take alternate days taking care of him. Since he was hospitalized, they have not been communicating with me about his medical needs, they have not mentioned to the doctors that I am family, locked me out of my Dad's house and lock me in when I visit him, they have threatened my children and been rude to me, they listen to my conversations with my father through a child monitor, and everytime I go visit my Dad I get this treatment. I do not know what to do anymore, because me and my children want to see my dad but we have been putting up with this kind of treatment and now we are tired of all the drama. Help

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You and your kids should be allowed to see your father and their grandfather. Especially at this stage!
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Llamalover47

Don't be involved in their drama. Go visit, who cares if they are listening, it is more about him seeing you. If he says private things, unplug monitor while in the room BUT you better make sure you turn it back on before you leave the room. Just don't engage w/them if they want an argument. Talk if they are being nice and excuse yourself if it gets ugly. Do the visit and go. If you have kids old enough to be mouthy - make it clear to them no nasty comments or responses to the uncles.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to my2cents

Have you talked with your brothers about what is going on and how you feel about the situation? You might try talking with Hospice staff about your situation? Is there a POA or durable health care policy which designates who is responsible for making health care determinations? Who took care of your father before your brothers took over? Was there a family discussion? You may want to consider talking with an elder care attorney [note: some of this may also be covered in other replies}
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The operative words HE'S YOUR FATHER.
Hire a Family Law attorney OR AN EXPERIENCED NOTARY WHO WORKS FOR A FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY, to help you file/petition the Family Court to FORCE YOUR BROTHERS without question your RIGHT to visit your Dad at any time of your choosing. YOU DO NOT NEED THEIR PERMISSION EVEN IF THEY ARE GUARDIANS.
The approved PETITION from the Family Court will provide you to standup for your rights. You can also petition to be included with any and all decisions regarding your Dad so your brothers can't sneeze without your involvement.
If they say that they have Medical POA AFTER YOU HAVE THE COURT APPROVE YOUR PETITION (do not show them your approved petition yet) have them provide you with a copy. LOOK AT THE DATE SIGNED. IF IT'S after the date of Court approval or even before, they don't have a leg to stand on. Your Dad cannot LEGALLY SIGN ANY LEGAL BINDING CONTRACT IN HIS PHYSICAL/MENTAL STATE!
You can then take them to Court.
It appears to me that you're the youngest and they have treated you like this all your life.
Stand up to them and tell them what and where they can do with their actions.
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Reply to dkentz72

For reference: my family all lived in the same city a few miles apart. My mother RAN to my brother's home after our stepdad died, "temporarily" until she could decide what to do, knowing full well I could not visit her in my brother's home due his lifelong emotional and physical abuse of me. The following six years her health deteriorated drastically, and I am quite sure he emotionally and possibly physically abused her too. All her life she excused BRO's poor behavior, did not believe he had ever done anything untoward to anyone, and would never admit he had done anything to her. I wanted to visit to ensure her safety but could not, and phone calls to/from her were recorded. I could not find a way to give her the APS phone number or ascertain her living conditions. When she was finally placed in a (thankfully) good nursing home I was able to visit. Immediately after she died the nurse, no longer bound by HIPPA laws, filled me in. She had been denied medical treatment and pain medications, which according to the disease, my mother needed. If I had known I would have taken him to court to reverse the POA. The whole eight years of "caring" for our mother was led by greed. MO kept house for my BRO, cooked, etc. as long as she was able. I don't know exactly when she became unable to perform these duties. BRO sold all my mother's belongings, including her beloved organ during those six years and had all property signed over to him. At the funeral he even took over the podium after the eulogist, to direct comments to me, as "Mother missed you. You should have come to see her", not one word about her, not one word about her being a good mother or leading a good life, or any comments about missing her. The whole business was greed. MO's property didn't matter. Her well-being and comfort in her last eight years did matter. All this to say - contact an attorney now! Your dad may be in need of protection.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Daisy9

Good morning PinkSheep,

Your post raised a lot of questions which, if answered, might allow us to more completely respond to you.
Did your brothers keep you informed in the past of your father's medical needs? Was it a group decision - all of you - regarding care, or did they just inform you? Who decided on hospice? Normally that is a decision involving a doctor and a social worker. Who normally went to medical appointments with your father? If you were not an active participant in that prior process then there is no reason to think that they would allow you to become active now.

Doctors and hospitals normally have a primary contact for each patient. Apparently that is one of your brothers. You'll need to get more information from them. If you are not listed on the medical records, then no, you cannot get information. That is the law.

Are you locked out of the house, or do your brothers keep the doors locked for security? My elderly mother kept the doors to her house locked, which is a good thing. I had a key and so did a few neighbors who could help out if something happened. Have you never had a key to dad's house?

When you visit are you calm? Do you talk to your dad things he enjoys? I found that my mother usually didn't want to talk about the past, but enjoyed hearing about everyday life now. How old are your children? Are they quiet and respectful? If they are younger, are they getting into things in the house, or even older children going through your father's things, watching TV instead of visiting? I'm just working at thinking of reasons that your brothers would want to monitor your visits. If for any reason you bring up issues, difficulties, or anything that would concern or upset your father, then that is a cause for your brothers to limit your access. They may be the good guys, or the difficult, dramatic guys. I don't know. But, the only person you can control is you. Do not give them any reason to limit your access.

You don't say that your brothers have refused you access, only that they house is locked. Perhaps they just want to be sure that your father is having a good day, or that you don't interfere with any medical people who are there. Could you set up a schedule? You'll come with or without your children on Tuesday and Friday from 10 a.m. until noon and leave when your father has lunch. Knowing when you will be there might calm down things, and by being on a schedule your brothers will know whey they might have time away. Do you offer to help - feed your father, change diapers, bathe him?

Perhaps I am way off base, so if I am, then give us more information regarding what happens when you want to visit. Are you asked to call first? That is reasonable to me as your father might be having a bad day, or the visiting nurse will be there at the time you are planning on visiting. Don't worry about the monitor as it is there for your dad's safety. Just visit and chat, or watch a movie together.
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Reply to TorieJ

When was your father hospitalised?
When was he discharged to hospice at home?

I am sorry that it has been difficult for you to visit your father. On the occasions when you have been able to, has it been a good visit? - comforting to him and to you?

How old are your children, and what do you mean by "threatened"? What did your brother(s) say or do to your children, and why?

The thing is. For caregivers who have cared for a loved one approaching end of life, what your brothers are doing that seems to you to be hostile actually makes more sense when their sole priority is taking care of a dying man.

You don't have time to communicate with people who aren't immediately involved. You don't lengthen or multiply communication chains, such as those with doctors, by including people who don't strictly Need To Know. They locked you out of your father's house? They locked you in? I'm not sure I understand what happened here; what do you think were the reasons for whatever they did?

They listen to your conversations with your father through a child monitor - well, the monitor stays switched on so it doesn't get forgotten about later, and because it is important to be able to hear if your father calls, or chokes, or seems to be having trouble. So conversations are overheard. You know the monitor's there. Did it really matter that you could be heard by your brothers?

In general, visitors who make life more stressful than it already is will of course not be hugely welcome. Your brothers shouldn't want to and can't prevent your visits if your father wants to see you and your children; but perhaps they'd be less unpleasant about it if you showed more consideration for their workload and your father's practical needs.
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Reply to Countrymouse

Sad situation. Do you want to see your father? Then make arrangements for doing so through your brothers. It may seem cruel and usual punishment to you, but focus on loving your dad. They may be concerned that you will take him away or make promises that they will have to deal with later. Just love dad since hospice is for those who don't have much time left. Make memories with dad and try not to focus on your brothers during this time.
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Reply to Taarna

After reading your Post I felt sad at how cruel and mean your two Brothers are towards you in treating you in this appalling way, but I can not help feeling there is some thing that you are not telling Us. Usually when there is one Daughter and Sons, it is the Daughter Who cares for the Parent. This is extremely rare to see two Sons caring for their Father in preference to a Daughter ? I have often heard it said that there is a very strong bond between a Father & Daughter, and the same bond exists between a Mother and Her Son 's.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Johnjoe

Are they trying to cut you out of your father's will? If that is an issue for them, and not for you, you might try communicating that. For most people, though, I understand how that could be a sticking point.
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Reply to Peekachu

Can you think of ANY reason why they would want to keep your father supervised in the presence of, or away from, you or any/all of your children. If so you need to sit down and talk to your brothers to find a solution satisfactory to you all. If not speak to an elder lawyer about the best way to get access.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to TaylorUK

Is it drama? Or do they have some reason to be treating you this way? Have you given them cause to be guarded with you and your kids around your dad?
If you really just want to see your dad, you could look past the treatment you get and just spend time with your dad, make your visits about him and not you. What is best for him? Probably not stress and anger.
Otherwise, you can try to talk to them peacefully, or you can hire an attorney and sue them. I'm not sure what grounds that would be other then harassment.
I'm sorry for your family. Sending peace.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to gemmab123

Are you on drugs or other substances that make them concerned about your visits? Have you previously given them cause for concern? When my husband was in ICU/hospital, I guarded him from relatives who were known or suspected alcoholics and drug addicts. Also, during my mother's hospitalization, my brother's wild kids caused difficulty. Have you given them cause for concern?
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to katiekat2009
TekkieChikk Jan 27, 2020
That is a valid point. My FIL just passed away in Hospice and the nursing staff had to keep the morphine drip locked in a box. They said it was SOP now because they've had past experiences with drug addicts actually removing the IV bag and *drinking* the morphine.

Also, if the situation is this tense with the brothers, not sure I'd want my kids around that, anyway. Maybe leave them home and let them remember granddad as he was, not locked in a house dying with hostile uncles making an already tense situation worse.
Get the advice of an attorney to see if they are able to do this legally. It is very cruel.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

POA does not give them the authority to keep her away. If her father gets upset when she is there than they can ask her not to come. But if no problems they should not ban her. I think some people use POA as a power thing.

Next time u go, unplug the monitor. Tell them its illegally to listen in on private conversations. 😊(not sure if this is true but u can try)
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to JoAnn29
Loralovesbread1 Jan 27, 2020
They may have a baby monitor in the room for their father's medical well-being. They may use it to hear and see how their father is doing... is he in distress; is he having trouble breathing; does he need pain meds; does he need to use the restoom, etc.?, Often, hospice recommends putting a baby monitor in a loved one's room to put less stress on the caregiver(s) as it's a 24/7 job.
We don't know both sides of the story. Has there always been stress between the siblings? Is the father on good terms with all of his children and grandchildren? Has there been a falling out? Do any of the siblings show abusive behaviors? Have you asked why you ate being locked in the home (is dad a wander risk)?
See 1 more reply
Sorry for your father and all that's going on. 

Not sure what's happened, but for whatever reason, your brothers appear to be in charge (POA?), and have decided to limit and monitor your time with your father.  It's odd they've locked you out of the house, but you don't know if you don't ask .. so ask.  If they have POA, this may be the route they've decided on, but didn't tell you ..maybe to keep from hurting your feelings, but it still hurts not to know.  Your brothers may be worried that anyone or anything may upset your father at this time .. not that you would intentionally, but maybe there's something you're unaware of that may.  They and/or your father may prefer not to have children around at this time either.

Ask your brothers if they have POA, and will they please let you know what's going on with your father.  If they do, ask them if they have any advice or requests that would make your visits comfortable for your father, them, and you.  If they're rude, do your best not to lash back or show you're upset. 

It's a sad time for all, and very stressful.  Appeal to their hearts ..if they're POA, and to please tell you whatever the truth is so you can do as they and your father wish. 

Keep visiting and speaking to your father comforting words. 

Good luck & prayers sent for you, your father, & family.
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Reply to lilhelp

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