I am watching my mother fade away and my emotions are conflicting. Any advice?

You are not alone. I remember feeling the same way about my mother when she was going downhill. I wanted the stress and exhaustion to be over but that would mean that my mother was gone and that was a painful thought.

You're not horrible either. What you're feeling is natural and a normal part of caring for an ailing parent.

The grieving process often begins before our loved one has died especially when our parent has become a totally different person as a result of disease.

It's normal and natural to want to hang on tight while we still can. A week before my mom died I crawled into her hospital bed and we watched The Wizard of Oz like when I was little. I knew that would be the last time I ever watched that movie because I wanted the last time to be with my mom. I've never watched it since. That was my way of hanging on tight.

Your feelings are natural and nothing you should beat yourself up about. It's painful to watch our parents decline and turn into people we don't recognize and anything thoughts or feelings you have about your mom are normal and most of us have been there.

As you can see from the responses, you are definitely not alone or horrible.
I went through similar feelings with my mother 12 years ago, and am now facing the same with my father (93). Dad has had some ministrokes, and his state of dementia deepens with each one.

Believe it or not, it may be good that you see this decline for what it is. When my mother was ill, Dad and I didn't understand what was happening. We kept trying to make her "better", subjecting her to all kinds of treatments and therapy. It was very frustrating for all of us.

Of course it is alright to mourn the personality that is gone. Try to love the one she has become and draw her out. I find Dad gets very chatty when we bring up things he loved, spending time with his older sister, WWII airplanes, and every car he ever owned. It may cheer your mother up to do some "girls" activities like paint nails, or baking.

If you ask your daughter to help you, (or help more), it will serve several purposes.

1. It will break things up for you and Mom. There is a different dynamic when someone else is around. My father is a different person when someone else is in the room. Maybe your daughter can help with "girls days". Try to create some positive memories while you have her.

2. Keeping your daughter shielded from her grandma may lead to her feeling guilty later that she wasn't there for you OR her grandma. (I am neither Catholic or Jewish, but I have enough guilt for ALL religions). Your daughter knows what's going on - give her the opportunity to help lighten your load and spend time with her grandma.

3. It's important for our kids to understand what happens as we age. Show your daughter that even though her personality has changed, she is still your mother and you love her for that.


God bless you for taking care of your parents. Everyone in this position gets their heart ripped out every day. It is normal to be frustrated and fearful and angry and anything else you can feel. Try not to burn out and get a break now and again.

No, you are not alone and you are not terrible for having the most normal of feelings that the majority of us are (or have gone) going through, no way!

None of us want our parents to suffer through a horrible illness, not Dementia nor Cancer, or any other horrible disease process and yet most of us here have been there and it is an exhaustive and grueling journey to which we all have to figure out our path, all while trying to do our best by them, and to not lose our families, our jobs and ourselves in the process. In many cases it would be easier on us both if they were to pass quietly in the night, like most of us would wish for for ourselves when it's time.

Your feelings are completely normal, so do come back here for support along the way, we all understand and you will find camaraderie here as you go through this.

I call it pre-mourning someone with dementia - it is the reverse of seeing a child grow up & meeting milestone but here they loose milestones - you are not alone as many of us have been there & unfortunately many more to come

This is going to sound horrible so I am sorry in advance but as I care for my own parents who are in their mid 80's and are struggling with unimaginable pains and physical decline, for the most part they have very good cognitive abilities still. They are acutely aware of the failings of their bodies and my father struggles to keep from sobbing in frustration when he can not do something that he so easily managed not so long ago.
Aging is a horribly cruel process of nature and while I am HAPPY to be young enough and strong enough to help my parents, it is heartbreaking to see the humiliation when there is incontinence or a stumble and fall. Every day we all wonder is this going to be the last? I have several good friends who lost parents to accidents or sudden unexpected heart attacks while they were still vital and strong. In a way, they are the lucky ones.
The pain of the sudden loss must be terrible, yet the slow and painful day by day decline of one's loved ones seems like a far worse pain to endure.
I hope that I live long enough to care for my parents until they pass. God willing I will be taken before I become unable to care for myself and end up in a home, helpless and slowly fading away...

You are not alone. You are not wrong or bad. You are decent and achingly human.

This could have been written by me a few weeks ago. My mom passed away last week at 93, she was slowly fading away, ended up spending a few days in a nursing home, heart was failing, in her last minutes she confirmed she did not want CPR. I am sad but at the same time I know she was ready to go, she had been saying it for weeks. My biggest disappointment is that I was not able to have hospice accept her in time for her to return to her facility in time and she passed away in a strange nursing home alone. Make sure you have your mother's affairs in order and a living will and look into hospice care, then you will have less pain and guilt, but know that you are human and there is only so much you can do.

No, you are absolutely not alone. I think it is one of the worst things, to see the person you knew slowly fade away. Yet there is this other person, with so many needs. And this new person is almost always more adamant, more insistent and less patient than the person he or she replaced. You lose the relationship. Yet there Mom still is.
I am so sorry. But you aren't alone. And it is normal to wish it might be over for her and for everyone else who is so confused, who is still so without any answers. Try to do something with her that will remind you both of who she is. Make a scrapbook or sit with a pile of pictures and looks at them and talk.
So sorry. No good answers to it.

Hello kirahfaye, maybe your mom's dreams are preparing her to cross over...(like my friend Lucy's vivid dreams of her hubby) that preceded her passing away a few months later.
Also, your willingness to 'let her go' cud be your intuition, which is preparing you also.
(I felt 'different' in the few months prior to my mother's passing, & she became very quiet.) I was relieved for her, when she passed...cuz her years of pain were ended. It's ok to feel what u feel, & not condemn urself for it. Lots of mixed emotions, now (& after) are normal.
✌ to you & mom.

I'm also watching as my wife fades away. She made it clear she did not want to live past Stage @ AZ, and I said I would help her die if I could, but as you no doubt know, my taking an active role bringing about her death would be murder. So, she lives on. I am not taking care of her. She is in a nice memory care place. But I do go see her almost every day, often spending the night. I have her medical power of attorney and I've instructed her doctor not only to not resuscitate, like a common DNR, but not to treat infections, like UTIs. This may help her along her way. I do have to say that I scoffed at writers who said she would become delightful, like a child, and my love for her would deepen as we go through this stinking mess together. But they were right. She is not who she used to be, and I miss that person terribly, but I love her as she is.