My 84 yr old (soon to be 85) mom is now in mid stage dementia, although I don't know that her ALZ has progressed that far. Still, she doesn't want to be here. My stepdad passed 9 years ago and she's been grieving for him ever since. She periodically has vivid dreams of him standing by her bed and telling her he's coming back for her soon. Sometimes she seems frightened by the dreams and other times she seems to be looking forward to it happening. Almost every day she says she's lived too long and/or she's tired of living.
And I ride a roller coaster of emotions. I love her - well, I love who she used to be before these terrible conditions started to remake her. She was vibrant, a bit vain (she was beautiful when she was younger and people still comment how lovely she is for her age), active, involved, secure, confident, smart.... Now about the only one of those adjectives that still fit is vain! LOL. Now, though, she's insecure, staid, reclusive, anxious, depressed, losing grip on reality, losing her ability to take care of herself, losing the desire to take care of herself. In the 7 months since she was officially diagnosed she's mentally, emotionally and physically declined tremendously.
And as for me, within almost the same heartbeat, as I wait for her to wake up in the mornings, I half hope she'll have passed peacefully in her sleep and then am terrified that she did and I've lost her. I worry that I'll grow to resent who she becomes and who I become from burning out as her caregiver. I worry that my daughter's only real memories of her grandparents will be of her Papa declining from Parkinson's during her teen years and her Sasa declining from dementia and ALZ 10 years later.
Tell me I'm not alone. Tell me I'm not horrible for wanting this to end before it gets worse. Tell me it's okay to miss my mom even when she's standing in front of me. Tell me its normal to want to grasp her as tight as possible before she slips further away.