Short version just read the question and skip the details below!
My dad was my buddy and when he got cancer and was dying all hell broke loose. Things were happening fast and mom was a real wrench in the works for his care - undoing caregivers etc...longer story here but it was awful. I was running around gathering papers gathering supplies trying to stay on top of help mom was undoing, you get the idea. The whole time my dad was sick he ignored me but would suddenly turn 'on' for his friends or my cousin. Cousin saw what was going on and went to bat for me, saying, " Hey why don't you spend a little time with your daughter, she's running around doing so much for you? " No go. As Dad got sicker he continued to shun me but would talk to anyone else. I was doing whatever task he needed, and then later helping him pee, getting him meds, putting on baseball games, held his hand and sang when things got really bad. Finally I said, " Dad, I just want one thing, tell me you love me. " He answered with a nursery rhyme instead. One day my (future ex ) also said, " Hey your daughter is here, why don't you say hello." Dad moaned refusal and my ( future ex ) said, " No? You don't want to see your daughter? What could be more important? " My dad said, and these were his last words to me, were, " Success."
This is what broke me. My dad was very successful. I'm mid 40's unmarried no children no great career ( I do art! Then day job ) Dad also rightfully wanted to die at home and said so but ended up in the VA ....because that's what mom wanted and the social worker took her side! I tried to fight for Dad but didn't succeed. Him going to the hospital was absolute hell. I feel like I failed him in my life and in his death and maybe I should have fought harder to keep him at home. It was such a bad situation.
After my Dad's last words to me I lost it - lay under some trees sobbing for a couple of hours. I came back the next day and said, "Dad, I may not be technically successful, with the career and family and all, but I have friends who love me, my art, I'm good at my little job, and I am here for you, now. That, to me, is success. As a human being. " I kissed his forehead and said "Goodbye Dad." Then I left. Two days later he passed, I wasn't there unfortunately.
Of course with Dad dying I figure he could go however he wants, it's about him not me! I've had counseling but the way my Dad passed has shredded my heart. I regret so much how he left this world and my last words to him. I regret not being there the day he died. He was the only member of my family who was literally sane and we were buddies for life. The counselor claims meds and/or cancer could have tweaked his mind but to be the target of his ire, see him light up for my cousin, and to be shunned so utterly makes it hard to wonder how I failed him. On a side note he is buried 3000 miles away and I still haven't seen his completed grave site.
Excuse the long sob story but I've felt broken ever since this happened. I feel alone in this experience - his passing was terrible in every sense. Has anyone else experienced this?! I've put off asking because it's such a vulnerable question, but I'm just not getting over this.
Bless you all!