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I am not sure if I should post this, here, exactly, but I think it could, possibly, help some other people, so I will ask my question.


My 91 year old father, for whom I was care taking for the past two years, passed away on March 5, 2019. I have a pretty basic question - I feel. A REALLY!! dear friend of mine, whom I have not seen in some time, came to my father's funeral. I was very, very touched. This woman is, most certainly, the best friend I ever had for a certain period of my life while we were in the same state together, and, in many respects, she remains overall the very best friend I have ever had in my whole life. Since my father's death, I have been hurting, which is normal, I understand, and I have been isolating myself, which I know is a problem. I am smart enough to be aware of these issues, and I am not writing here, as a plea for sympathy, or as a "woe is me" pity party.


My question is about friendship, in the face of grief. You see, I have not heard from my friend since my father's death, and I am deeply hurt. Can the group help me out? Should I tell my friend, directly, that I am hurt that she has not reached out to contact me? Or should I, simply, contact her and concentrate on renewing our friendship the best way that we can, going forward? Thank you for any feedback. I really appreciate it.

You said you hadn't heard from this friend in quite some time but then she attended your father's funeral. That was her reaching out. She then went back to the same status of your friendship prior to your father's passing. You have nothing to be hurt about. She wasn't an everyday friend that suddenly dropped you. If you want to see her you need to reach out.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Yes, absolutely - tell her.

She’s been close enough to you to have experienced your pain - there’s terrible guilt we can feel when we’re helpless to take away our friend’s pain. She probably feels ashamed, and the less she feels she can do to help you, the longer the time will pass, and then the distance will grow from that guilt. I’ve done that, and it was 20 or so years before I broke the silence and apologized for letting my own feelings of helplessness block me from offering whatever comfort I could give.

Or, she could be having her own struggles right now. She could be feeling resentment toward you for not checking in with HER.

Whatever it is, problems are always bigger in our own heads. We can’t expect everybody else to be mind-readers when we need help. Not everybody can intuit what is needed, and even fewer can see outside of their own life to know they are failing to tend relationships. That’s how friendships die.

You’ll be doing both of you a favor by initiating contact and saying how it has hurt you to that you two haven’t been in closer contact, but that you want to know how she’s been. You might be surprised that she’s also been feeling the same.
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Reply to Slekker
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She was sending a signal. She wants to make contact. Do.
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Reply to qmnpxl
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Contact her and ask her if she wants to meet for lunch, dinner, coffee..whatever. Don't bring up how hurt you are. Just spend time with a friend.
I think people tend to go on...they go on with their lives, their problems, their every day stuff. Even if you have had a loved one die and you should know how it hurts you go on and you just "forget" to call the next week, then that week goes into 3 or 6 and then you feel guilty and that call gets harder to make so you don't make it.
So you make the call that she should. Connect with a friend. Nice thing about giving a hug to an old friend is you get one in return.
Let your hurt go...it does nothing to effect her the only one that knows you are feeling hurt is you. to take a few words from a song I am really sick of (thanks to my Grand daughter)...Let it go...Let it go....Let it go....
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Reply to Grandma1954
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First— I’m sorry for your loss.

As others have said, more than likely your friend feels ‘stuck’. When my friend’s father passed away a bit unexpectedly (was elderly but had a sudden stroke and never woke up) I felt powerless to help. Couldn’t feel how she felt since I haven’t experienced parent loss yet myself... I’d think it’s a different grief than losing a friend or even a grandparent. She’d call me in tears and I felt so helpless. We knew it was the end and encouragement like “pray he heals from this” wouldn’t help. I even told her I didn’t know what to do or say. In the end all I could do was be there if she needed me.

Maybe check in with her... an email of hello, how’s it going, I’m still adjusting. She may worry she is bothering you or that talking about the death will upset you.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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Thank you All, so kindly!!, for your advice and wisdom. If I am understanding, here, I am, possibly, letting my vulnerability get in the way of appreciating my Friend's kindness and special decision to make time to come to the Funeral. I suppose it is best to be positive about what did happen, rather than become discouraged and upset about what did not. Thank you again for your interest and your sincerity.
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Reply to elishka
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Call her and tell her you would really like to see her. Take it from there.

When you are grieving, everything hurts. How you feel about your friend's not having reached out to you since the funeral is natural, but that's not the same as its being rational. There could be a hundred and one very good reasons why she hasn't been in touch that absolutely do NOT include her being indifferent to you or uncaring about what you're going through. So - set the ball rolling. Good luck! Long may your friendship grow.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Please don’t be deeply hurt. It hurts you without helping anyone. Just assume that your friend is waiting for you to contact her. She cared enough to use the funeral as a good enough reason to contact you, after many years. She knows that you will have been busy and coping with death, and the chances are that she is a bit shy about pushing more contact when she doesn’t know if it’s OK.
Don’t be hurt, and don’t tell her that you are hurt – it would upset both of you. I wish that some old friends had contacted me when my mother died – be grateful yourself.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Contact her and focus on renewing the friendship. If and when the moment is right, let her know how you feel in a non-accusatory manner. You don't know what is behind this, she may feel that she is giving you space that you might need. By initiating the contact you can let her know that that is not what you need. People don;t grieve alone. They need someone else who can reflect back their pain and sadness. We also have to remember that grief touches grief, so any unresolved grief that I have is liquidated when I come in contact with someone else who is grieving. This is sometimes the case with people. The reactivation of their own grief is sometimes too overwhelming. Try not to take that personally. It takes work to find a place where we can be mutually supportive to each other in the grieving process. That takes time and patience.
Best wishes
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Reply to anonymous840695
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I would tell your friend directly. It is a possibility you * could* be reading into some thing not there.

Your feelings are your feelings. And they are not up for debate. Take care of you in the interim
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Reply to Segoline
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