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I’m a sixty year-old daughter of a narcissistic mother who believes it is her children’s job to take care of her in the manner to which she was accustomed. She is still angry with us for selling her house because she thought we should be caring for her there. She has been led to think she is more important than anyone else in the family and my father buckled under her every whim.
She complains constantly despite living in a lovely $5,000/month ASL. Nothing has ever been enough for her; she is attention-seeking and will go to any length to get it.


I was just diagnosed with my second cancer and will start chemo next week. I also have an adult son with severe mental health problems and wonderful grandchildren who I choose to help with. My mother’s complaints include earaches and a sore knee.
I can guarantee that I will not be a burden to my children when/if (god willing) I reach my mother’s age of 86. I will not assume that my children will be responsible for my happiness or that they should be managing my life while I sit and complain about not being able to get my hair colored.
Is this a generational thing? Or is it simply that my mother has never been a very nice person and I resent giving her any amount of energy that I don’t even have for myself?

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This is why I wish that assisted suicide was available to all of us. When quality of life is gone forever, life can become a burden.

Most people can get through something if it is only temporary. When it is ongoing therein lies a huge problem!

It is extremely controversial for many and will not grow in popularity quickly. At least it is available in some states.

Properly managed, I feel that assisted suicide could be blessing for so many.
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I've definitely thought about this, and there is no way in the world I will ever live with my son, or depend on him for my care. No way will I ever burden him as I have been burdened.

If I get dementia, and/or can no longer care for myself then I am going to put my final affairs in order, take a bunch of pills sure to do the job and go to sleep, forever.
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I think that I will go skydiving and not pull the cord. Beautiful view on my way out.
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Perhaps it’s not generational so much as healthcare has extended the lives of our parents generation much more than previous ones have experienced. When Social Security was established in the 1930’s most people died in their 60’s or early 70’s. Now it’s routine to live into your 90’s. My 93 year old mom has an older sister and just lost a brother aged 99!

It seems that with a shorter life expectancy people really didn’t take care of themselves the way we do now at the same age. My parents never exercised while I swim daily and walk daily.

Also, 50 years ago senior housing was often the dire "old folks home" of my parents nightmare. The last refuge of the impoverished. I have spent a lot of time recently researching AL for Mom and there are some very nice places out there!

The Boomer generation is definitely changing the face of retirement communities. Yes, it can be expensive but why not spend your hard earned savings on yourself? I have never understood people wanting to "leave something to the kids." I have worked and saved since I was 15 and figure to spend it on my own care rather than expect my family or the state to pay.

Mom told me years ago that she did not want her kids to have to take care of her the way her sister did their mom who was widowed early and received a $63 a month railway pension. Mom saw what a toll it took on my aunt and didn’t want us to go thru that.

I am 66, no spouse or kids. After 5 years of dealing with my parents health and financial issues I have started the process of eliminating my own "stuff" with the anticipation of moving into senior living at some point. I don’t want, or expect, anyone to have to clear out 50+ years of accumulated clutter. I have also started to look for my next home, low maintenance and accessible when needed.


I also hope that in 30 or 40 years society will allow me to choose to end my life as and when I want to, no one should be forced to endure the indignity of a miserable old age.
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I wrote about my father born in 1899. Think the post was mis-attributed and maybe wrongly placed. My fault, somehow, I know. (I'm dosmo13, not whoever the post was originally attributed to)

I just wanted to make the point that though my father lived almost an entire century, he deliberately departed from the expected elder-care pattern of his day. He cared for his own elderly parents and in-laws, but willingly gave up his own comfort in old age for a daughter that he loved. He was not a perfect father, but I wanted to somehow give tribute to his unselfishness.
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My father was born in 1899. He and my mother were both only children and, as expected, took responsibility for the care of their elderly parents. One elderly grandmother of mine lived with us for almost my entire early childhood. She mothered me more than my biological mom would have. She was fairly able until the end, but died suddenly and peacefully.
The other grandparents remained for years in their own nearby home with combo of family and caregiver help. Eventually, they had short-term need of what would today be considered "hospice"care. I was never aware of any family hardship or resentment over of this.

It may have had more effect than I was aware of, however, because my parents were determined never to be dependent on their children. They made foresighted financial decisions. I offered to let my widowed father live with me when he needed care (I am a nurse and was unmarried). Both my brothers pressured him to agree. It was an easy solution for them. They were too busy to offer anything but advice during my mothers final days.
It might have kept my father out of a nursing home and he knew it, but he adamantly, and repeatedly, refused my offer. God love him! He said he did not want to interfere with any plans I might have for my future and my career. I will always love and admire him for this.
So yes, family expectations may be somewhat generational, but not always. Not entirely. Sometimes it is more a matter of individual character.
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If earaches and a sore knee are your mother's only problems, what forced her to move from her home to an ALF? In what sense is this about end-of-life care?

86 is nothing. I have a 99 year old lady (who I would quite like to adopt as my own granny because she is a complete sweetie-pie) on tonight's round who is still managing in her own home. We visit three times a day to help with her medication and check she's okay, because her eyesight is not so good now and her hands aren't as strong as they were. Her bed call is at twenty to eight but most days you'll find she's already undressed, cleaned her teeth, and got into bed by herself; although one evening she'd curled up on her sofa and fallen asleep like a little dormouse. She was worn out because she'd been taken into town for lunch that day, and told me proudly that she'd put on a facemask for the first time in her life!

Generational thing... As it happens, this lady lives in an almshouse, a comparatively modern one with "1808" carved on the keystone over the gate. There are a few of them in our city: communities of little houses built 200, 300 or in one case nearly 500 years ago for pensioned-off servants, old clergymen, the aged and infirm who had no families able to look after them. They were founded and paid for by the church, other charitable foundations or local philanthropists. They still function beautifully as retirement properties.

In Anthony Trollope's book 'The Warden' there is a character who lives in such an almshouse, impoverished after a prosperous life's work because his children conned him out of his money and left him neglected and helpless. 1855, that book was published.

So no, I don't think the issues of aging ever really change.
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I like this thread and the many good ideas. Thanks Comingtoterms for starting this.

I am in the middle of reading "Final Gifts: Understanding and Helping the Dying," written by two hospice nurses, a very intriguing book. Someone in this forum suggested it. Thank you. The common theme so far in the book is that many dying people see dead loved ones or angels before they die. That includes people of faiths and atheists. They saw what lay ahead for them when they leave the physical world.

It is a confirmation for me as I do believe that our bodies die, and our souls transition to another dimension.

My ideal death would be to have my loved ones from both sides next to me, one side waiting and welcoming, one side saying good byes for now, as my doctor assists me to transition from one plane to the next. Why can't the law accommodate people to have a peaceful exit? That would be so humane.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
Amen!
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The mix of strong pain killers before a swim in one the most dangerous surf beaches in the state seems to work. I imagine quite a quick pain-free end. Although the gentleman was never found... could have met with a shark before the pain meds kicked in...

I'm not sure I could make such a plan but I suppose I could take up surfing in my 80's & let fate take over.
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Dosmo13 Sep 2020
Ha, ha. Very clever. IF you can take up surfing in your 80's! Better start your planning now (though I'm not endorsing your plan!) I've found that in my 80's it not easy to "take up" anything. More and more your life is dictated by circumstances. It's adapt, adapt, adapt the best you can and try to remain pleasant enough that others don't consider just an old grouch.
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Welcome to my world. I pulled my mother out of her retirement community when covid hit and now I spend 2 weeks in her big old hoarder house in Tucson and 2 weeks in San Diego trying to take care of my house. I always wondered why I ended up married to narcissistic husbands. It turns out that my mother was the person who conditioned me to accept it as "normal". Now I am sort of temporarily trapped with her and waiting on her all day. I applaud you for the courage to sell her house and keep your own life.

I have found that the most effective response I can give to her complaints and demands (after months of not handling things too well, is "I am sorry you feel that way and I wish there was something that could be done about it. Unfortunately, right now, there is nothing that can be done." And, then, because she has dementia, I ask a question that totally changes the subject.

I used to own a senior residential care home so I have spent a lot more time than most people thinking about my "old age". I agree with you that I won't be a burden to my children if I can help it. I have had a long term care policy for years. In my experience some older people are very sweet and considerate and easy to care for while others are just miserable and demanding. We just have to be careful not to think that we are going to fix their personality by trying to fix their problems. I have considered this year as an opportunity to learn how to set boundaries with my mother and to focus on balancing caring for her with self care so I don't become too resentful. It is just hard to get old. There is no getting around it and having seen what I have seen I hope to plan ahead and not be surprised when I wake up one day and realize I am old. Although I did wake up one day shocked that I am now considered a senior citizen. I sure don't feel like one yet. LOL
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Im hoping dr assisted suicide will be available in my state by the time im old and sickly
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
I want to go to sleep and not wake up while having a beautiful dream as my end. I suppose that is asking for a bit too much! LOL It’s a nice thought, isn’t it?
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I learned too late in life and thank god I did learn. If people do NOT treat you well, consider them dead and stay away from them. You owe them nothing - ever - no matter who or what the relationship is. Take care of yourself as no one else is going to do so. If you can't escape them, then get tough and let them have it in such a way they learn never to mess with you again. I wish I had gotten that into me long ago as then I would not have suffered so much - but no more. Now I fight back and don't tolerate crap from anyone.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
No wonder you have no one left in your life to perhaps bring you some joy. I wouldn't treat you badly, but with that attitude, you wouldn't see me either!
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As a 'baby boomer' I know firsthand that I and my 2 older & younger sisters, in our 60s and 70s, are doing this work. My om is in her 90s, and was born in 1929 when people in the U.S. didn't ever think about 'this stuff' since folks didn't normally live past 75-80. When my dad died 25 years ago, he left mom with total financial security, including staying in her home indefinitely. Finances aside, she refuses to leave that house and wants (understandably) to die at home. Except that, at 90+, she can't appreciate that her 60-70+ y/o 'children' are struggling mightily to enable her to maintain that ideal fantasy, both physically and in all other manner--medical care, financial management, babysitting care, obtaining food and cooking care, and in Covid times, physically cleaning her (our) house. The psychological toll will be permanent on all of us. "Who will take care of us?" At 66, I'm the only one of 3 that is in serious need of financial support; and what would have been my dad's wish to provide me with basic living support; I'm situated that I'm considering how to live in my car. I've never expected nor telegraphed to my children that they might be burdened with my geriatric (physical or mental) care and decisions. I will leave no estate or financial legacy, but I've scrapped to save a few thousand $$ for an elder law and estate attorney to set everything up legally so that none of them will have to experience what my mom's 3 kids have. Who will take care of us? Ourselves. It's the only mature, loving, and practical thing to do. It's hard and scary and painful as heck (I don't relish being a body in any sort of medical or nursing facility, and pray I'll never be there), but honestly, I've been through a lot worse in my 66 years; it'll just be another challenge of being a human being. My challenge is "can I be more compassionate than my fear?". My heart, while I'm still fairly lucid, chooses compassion.

My mom has every 'right' to 'complain' about not getting her hair colored, given the context of her life. It's not that she's a selfish, icky person. As a 66 y/o caregiver, I have the gift of understanding of her life experiences and expectations. It's a bitch, I don't like it one bit, but I will survive and learn. I'm reminded of 'the Greatest Generation'. I respect and thank my ancestors, but well, we're actively doing that same degree and challenge of 'work', (working through fear and struggle) without historic precedent. We are the Sandwich Generation. We are strong and brave. I thank this forum for allowing me to write and post here, and in so doing, share, process and affirm my lived experience. I send love and support to us all.
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Every person should sit down and plan out their end of life desires. Do not place that burden on your children. Draw up advance directives, DNR, Power of Attorney, etc. NOW. If you are young enough for it to help, get a life care insurance policy that will pay for your assisted living. Do not count on Social Security, Medicare, etc. for your future, make plans now.
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Davenport Sep 2020
YES!!! I never thought about a life insurance policy because I have no one financially dependent on me. I never knew that I could be my own beneficiary! I'd have gotten one when I was 40ish if I'd known that! I do have long term care insurance for 25 years now, but it's so complicated and has so many requirements and exceptions, and interacting with Medicare, that I have had to hire an elder law attorney to understand it and activate it when I need it.
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Not generational. You have to take care of yourself first. Just give up on the idea that you owe your mother any more than you have already given. She is in a good place and and can get all her actual, not perceived, needs taken care of where she is. Share with management at her facility your situation health wise and explain that your ability to meet all her demands are limited. Follow the advice of others here regarding how to respond to mom. She may forget, purposefully or not, about YOUR health needs, so remind her if you have to. But dont get drawn into long discussion or argument about that or anything else. Be frm. When it is time to end a phone conversation, tell her you have to go and hang up. Im a 3 time cancer survivor. Know how tough it can be even under the best of circumstances. Wish you the best!
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Davenport Sep 2020
Hi, Dosmo13. I think your ideas are sound and true, and I agree completely. I disagree and think that it is fundamentally 'generational'. I wrote a bit ago about my perception of being a primary caretaker at 65+ earlier. I believe it IS generational: my mom never learned or saw modeled or suggested that she might take care of herself so as to not burden her children; it was a different time, everything was completely different in her life. I grew up with the message that not burdening anyone with my life in any way in their own lives is compassion and strength, which concept my mom was never exposed to, being born in 1929. Again, I'm all in with everything else you shared! Thanks everyone here for your sharing and support.
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It seems to be generational. It seems as though most elderly people DO expect their children to take complete care of them. That is one of the reasons that people had children back then. That was the expectation.

But now, almost every adult that I speak with in my caregiver groups all say that they would NOT expect their children to take care of them, and that they would not want to be a burden to their children.

Some are even planning measures to end their life, if it comes to that.
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Davenport Sep 2020
Amen! Yes, us gens know that we shouldn't expect or burden our children with caring for us. It's not cruel or harsh, it's being 'grown up', accepting the reality that every human being will die, and refusing to live in fear of that inevitable fact. And yes, I, too, am planning measures to end my life, if it 'comes to that'. I believe it's the responsible thing to do. I know and accept that I can't control how that may play out. I don't have the desire or means to keep this earth suit limping along past its natural time.
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I hope for everyone's sake that there is more choice in when/how to die similar to the way you (often) choose when you are going to give birth. The Economist wrote a nice piece on this a few years back on the growing right to die
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Davenport Sep 2020
Thanks!
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I apologize I have not read all the replies yet..

I just wanted to wish you well for your upcoming treatment. I hope you can surround yourself with supportive people, enjoy better times with your son & enjoy those grandchildren too! Also that you are cocooned from those that cannot offer support.

Regarding your Mother, when I meet older folk sad about leaving their houses, I truly empathize. But if I get a whiff of that entitlement you spoke of, I change tack to 'well, if you wished to keep your house & employ servants round the clock, you should have'.
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Davenport Sep 2020
THANK YOU Beatty!
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Imho, my story was likened to your mother's wishes, though I don't have cancer and I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis. My mother demanded to live alone in her own home 7 states from mine and all the way across country from my sole sibling. My mother was an ill woman and when her blood pressure dropped to passing out levels, I had to leave my home, husband, family and all else behind to move in with her as an elder myself.
I vowed long ago to never do this to my daughter. Prayers sent to you.
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I don't think it is a generational thing. I live in a seniors facility (independent to assisted-living). One complaint here is of adult children trying to "run" their parents lives. The complaint is made good-naturedly , but I know it annoys some seniors. Of course, I can't know all the details of parent adult-child interactions. But I can tell you what I don't hear. I don't hear that kids don't care about their parents medical complaints, physical, shopping or social needs. I don't hear that they don't visit (this is pre-covid). Sometimes there may be a wistful hope that family could visit more often or stay longer when they do visit. But this is frequently tinged with a certain amount of pride that the son or daughter is busy with important business or personal obligations.

Of course, my opinion is influenced by the fact that I'm acquainted with fewer assisted-living residents than independent-living residents. It may be that certain individuals, revert more willingly to dependence than others. Some, as described here, may have a life-long habit of manipulating others. This is not likely to change. But I tend to think that self-sufficiency is one of the most valued personal traits in American society regardless of generation.
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I wanted to post this separately, partly to keep focus on one reply about the original post/questions, partly because I know I would exceed the character limit. This comment is in regards to some other comments. There have been worse ones, but still, we don't need lectures, we don't need some person out there telling or even demanding that we do what they deem appropriate. Those who blindly respond without understanding the whole picture are annoying too.

"You obviously haven’t read my entire post."

Unfortunately this happens all too often. You can see it when the author clearly states the LO is living in their home, and the comment will refer to how sad it is living in a facility! Sometimes they may post quickly, without digesting everything and perhaps other posts haven't been made yet. Other times there may be numerous posts and they just don't feel like wading through them all. At the very least, everyone should skim through, because often there are revelations from the OP in response to questions or comments made by others. Sadly some don't bother. If their answer is at odds with the information you've given, just ignore them.

"Please understand that when you choose to respond to someone’s query, it’s important to read their words first, and not merely respond in a way that makes you “fluff your own feathers.”"

Yup, couldn't agree more. Sometimes the original question is brief, maybe lacking in details, which one may or may not get more information for it from checking OP's profile, but it would be better to ASK questions before blindly spewing something. I do my best to try to read what has been posted, both comments and responses, check other's suggestions and tailor my response as best I can after digesting it all (exceptions are knee-jerk reactions to some of the responses that are uncalled for, such as those who tell us we should take care of our LO ourselves and feel blessed that we can do so. THEY don't know anything about us, what our capabilities are and other factors, and it isn't their place to TELL us what to do. We are here to offer USEFUL suggestions, USEFUL advice and often just good old commiseration. That last one CAN be a bit helpful, just in knowing that we are not alone!)

"If you were blessed with a healthy childhood, be grateful, but don’t tell others what they “should do” or how they “should feel.”
It’s self-serving and arrogant."

Touched on this in the () in the last paragraph. I've "coined" a new term for some of these people - Nagative Nancy! It was originally a typo that I caught very quickly, but decided it was more appropriate and left it as is (with disclaimer that it was a typo, but now it is a new term!)

Anyway, it is unfortunate that we have some of these people on the forum. Some do learn. In the past there were a few doozies, but I haven't seen them around much lately - moved on to more appreciative sites? You might even get used to the screen name and/or MO used in the comments. There is one in particular that I can peg just from the comment itself! That one REALLY annoys me and wish we could get that one booted from the forum. 1-2 "okay" posts from the person, but the rest of the comments, eeesh. Most of the time, we all just move on past these comments and focus on the helpful comments.

Don't let them chase you away or get you down! DO take care of yourself and focus on getting healthy.
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Davenport Sep 2020
Me, too. Yeah, what you said ...
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Comingtoterms:

Clearly you mother is who she is and nothing you do will change that. Let her think what she wants, complain all she wants, be angry all she wants and just ignore it. It's hard to ignore, but do your best. Continue to provide for her basic needs, a few gifts/treats, and let her complaints and demands fall on deaf ears.

"I make sure to take care of all her medical needs, pay her
bills, bring her homemade meals and treats, visit when allowed, etc. I do everything I should to be sure she is safe and cared for."

This is basically what I do too. There are those who will criticize this, saying you should do more, take them in, etc. Ignore them. You are doing what you can and then some, so if she doesn't appreciate it, so be it. Given your own health and concerns, more focus needs to be on YOU. If you don't care for yourself, who will see to her needs then? Try not to let her demands stress you - that's all they are and they won't/shouldn't be catered to. If she acts up, spend less time with her - just drop the food/gifts at the front desk and let them bring it to her.

My anger/stress was more because of my brothers and their lack of help and concern, but I eventually realized that it was only affecting me, not them, and have been able to get past all that! My focus is on ensuring mom has her needs met, but without compromising my needs as much. Those two can go pound sand, and once mom passes on, I won't be dealing with them, at all.

Is it generational? Not really. Some people are grateful for whatever family can do for them. Some, like your mother, are never satisfied. My former MIL wouldn't have been happy if my kids spent every day with her - it was NEVER enough. She was "entitled", felt she was owed something for being a grandmother, lived for the day she would be one. Her own daughter never had kids, so my kids were it and she complained all the time if she wasn't getting what she thought was enough time with them. Not one thought about me. I was the vessel to bring forth the grandchildren, nothing more.

When our generation gets to this point, it won't be any different. Some have planned, others haven't. Some have unreasonable expectations, some don't. Dementia throws a monkey wrench into everyone's plans, both those who are afflicted and those who have to deal with it. I have been trying to ensure there will be funds to provide for my care, should I need it, and have told my kids to find a nice place for me, visit if you CHOOSE to, manage for me as I have for my mother and live your life, plan for your own future needs!

Do take care of yourself. Take a few breaks from all you do for her. Maybe if you skip a meal or two, or some treats, she might be a bit more appreciative when you bring the next one. Maybe. Don't hold your breath! But, seriously, you do need to focus more on you. Get healthy and don't fret over anything she says or does. As NYCdaughter says "Your mother is responsible for her own happiness."
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If the situation was reversed, if she is truly a Narcissistic person, she would've placed you into a facility, without your consent

Narcissistic personalities are nightmares for those involved. Perhaps her generation is dominantly narcissistic, as George Carlin would say.

As for me, I'll leave my care in the hands of professionals.
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Your mother is selfish and self-centered and cares only about herself and you have all kinds of problems to tend to. Her behavior is impacting you and you are allowing it. Tend to yourself and to your family. Stop allowing her to upset you by staying away and not taking too many calls. Her behavior does not justify you tending to her. While you are able to do so, make sure your affairs are in l00% current order and your wishes know. Sort checking out what kinds of places exist and think abut what you would like. And always be kind and gentle to your family and children. Take care of yourself - put her on the back burner. She made her bed so let her lie in it.
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Riley2166 Sep 2020
One more thing and I speak from experience. No matter who you are and what relationships you have with others, be wise and smart. Take care of all your affairs, be kind, etc. but look out for yourself. You can never, ever, no matter who or what, depend on another human being. If you are helped, you are blessed but don't count on it so you won't be disappointed. Prepare to take care of yourself in every way. I know - i have no family and only a handful of friends left and I will be 87. To this day I handle every solitary thing in this world l00% - and I am disabled - but if I don't do it, nothing will help me and no one. Sad but true. Never depend on anyone for anything - ever.
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It's up to you to draw the boundaries with your mother. Speak to a therapist or counselor if you need help coping with her demands. You have your own life and responsibilities, including for your own health. Your mother is responsible for her own happiness. People who choose to be in AL often do it because they don't want to be a burden on their loved ones. Thank your mother for helping you be an independent and responsible person. When you are with her, try to have fun and be loving with her. Make it quality time.
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It might be a generational thing. My Grandma lived with my parents for the last 22 years of her life. My Dad and Mom came to hate it. I flew in and was at my Grandma bedside when she passed. I could feel the terrible tension between my Mom and Grandma in her last moments. I swore I never wanted to die angry like that. I’m now the caregiver and POA for my Mom. She lives independently at a senior living. They also have assisted living and skilled nursing. My Mom would love to be living with me and my husband but she is very critical and has imaginary Illnesses to get attention. There are very good facilities out there but u have to really check them out and get referrals. I’m a 12 min drive away, see her at least 1x per week and we talk frequently. My sister also will not take her in. You have a lot on your plate and are overwhelmed. Find a good facility, hold your ground with her and your resentment will lessen. You are not a bad person. I also will not do this to my children. I never want to leave this world angry and with hate in my heart. Take care.🙏💕
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I don't think we really think about it until a loved one is going through it. I'm lucky enough to have siblings that really share help with my mom. I'm planning for my care as much as I can. LTC insurance, etc.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
Although we rarely hear from those like you who have siblings or family who chip in and work together, it is GREAT to have you post something! I'm sure there are many others out there - if they are happy families and working together, they are less likely to be here, so we don't get to see many posts like yours.

All the best to you and the rest of your family!
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I firmly believe we will need to make whatever arrangements we want for ourselves because if we don't then we will have no say so in the matter. We need to pre-plan what we want done with our bodies, what medical treatment we want & don't want, how we want our possessions & property disposed of (if we have any left), etc.

Both of my adult children will have nothing to do with me. One has told me I was a terrible mother - that it's always been about me & my wants & that I'm evil & bad but he won't tell me why he feels this way that I must figure it out for myself. My younger sister can only come up with one example with my elder son. Be that as it may, I am at a loss & as things stand now there is no way I can rely upon either of them & if given the way they feel about me, do I really want them to? No, I wouldn't trust them.

In case you're wondering, I made mistakes - lots of them - but I also did many good things with their future & intellectual development in mind. As a single mother whose ex-husband never paid more than $5.00 at a time in child support & only when he was in prison, I never had much money. My mother & younger sister helped out as did a paternal aunt & her husband.

I am told I only took care of them out of guilt & I never wanted to be a mother, I suppose that's why I paid for Aikido lessons, taught them how to eat with chopsticks, made the extra effort to take them to a school where they would be in classes with the children of foreign students attending university, introduced them to a wide variety of different foods so they would not be afraid to try things, & more.

Sorry, this is an extremely difficult position to find myself in. However, this is why I feel I must take care of things myself. Furthermore we don't have any assurance our children will outlive us or be geographically close enough to do so even if they could.

Therefore, if we don't make plans for ourselves . . . it may be the government that does & we may very well hate the results.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
How sad that your children feel this way. Obviously we don't know you or your children, and only hear one side, a small snippet out of 18+ years, but still.

One thing that resonated with me was when you said:
"I am told I only took care of them out of guilt & I never wanted to be a mother..."
Someone was feeding my kids similar garbage. It isn't fully clear whether it was wife #2 or the ex or both. SHE really was a piece of work. Before they were even married, she would be "watching" MY kids on weekends they were to be visiting with their dad - not so bad, however this woman was introducing MY kids as HER kids!!! Anyway, after one weekend visit one would tell me "they" said I didn't feed them enough. My reply was to ask is there food on the shelves and in the refrigerator? Yes? Are you hungry? No. Do you need something? No. Okay, well, if you think you're hungry and there's no food, let me know. Shortly after another weekend visit I was told "they" said I didn't take care of them. Really? You have food, clean clothes, shoes, can bathe, have a room to yourself, good meals, go to school, get help with homework, go to play sports and visit with friends, get regular checkups? Do you feel neglected? No? Then don't worry about it. Tell me if you do.

The last straw was after yet another weekend visit when I was told "they said you don't even like us." OMG! So I just said that's not true and if ANY of what they are telling you was true you would be living with "them" not me. I rarely said anything negative about that a** and his dip wife (BTW, they divorced too and was SHE ever nasty to him!)

So, someone else could have brainwashed your kids at some point, without your knowledge. I am thankful my kids were able to talk to me about their concerns, after being fed this garbage! I am also thankful that they were smart enough to see through a lot of this, as they got older. He even went so far as to encourage them to hide information from me or to lie (I never grilled them about what they did when with him - just asked if they had a good time.) So, one day while the two were talking with each other, one lets slip a comment about shooting guns at a sand pit. Um, WHAT? THIS needed discussion, both with them and him. I had specifically asked him not to do guns with them until they were older. NO 5yo needs to be handling guns. I made sure my son (the 5yo who was clearly enamored by guns from a very young age) was with him during the discussion, so neither could legitimately say they didn't hear or understand me.

Anyway, my sympathies. Unless or until they have some breakthrough or decide to try making amends, you are wise to see to your own future. Really all of us should, because we don't know what the future will bring. Sadly children can pass before their parents. Some people never had children to count on (not that we should "count on" them.) I don't want either of my kids to feel that they must take care of me - I've told them to find a nice place and provide oversight for my care, visit if you want to, but no obligations to care for me or see me. Live your life!
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Your insurance has "counseling opportunities". You need help for youself and how to deal with your mothers behavior and "stuff" that is important to her. She will continue to "live" her values.
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I have the same situation like you. I certainly don’t want my daughter to suffer like me. I have an elderly mom with Alzheimer who chooses to stay in her own home. She kicks out any Caregiver and refuses to be placed in an assisted living. She expects her children to take care of her. I am not going to do this to my daughter. I am searching from now where to go and what would be suitable for me. I am 67 and I have a special need son. I am very much fed up with my life. I have a lot of pain and I have to deal with all sorts of health issues. I am very sorry that we have to be suffering so much.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
Before anyone else asks about POAs, even if you have any POAs, they are not sufficient, in general, for making someone move against their wishes. We ran into this when we needed to move mom (she also refused to let aides in - only a 1 hr sanity/med check, to be increased as she needed it, but nope. Dementia lied to her and kept telling her she was fine and didn't need help. >sigh<

So, we (I) made plans to move her, but she was refusing to consider any move. EC atty told us we couldn't force her to move (dementia residents have rights, doncha know!) and suggested guardianship. The place we chose wouldn't accept a committal, so we had to wing it and come up with a plausible fib to make her agree to go - grumbling the whole time, but she went. Staff said just get her there, they would take it from there.

So, in your case, even if you don't have POA, how far along is her dementia? I would suggest at the least a consult with EC atty. S/he might be able to assist - if not now, at least to be prepared for later as the dementia progresses. She won't be able to stay in her own place forever, even if you and siblings help out but don't live with her.

Guardianship generally gives you the authority to make a move happen. It also overrides any existing POAs and allows you to take charge of her finances. The court would likely order a medical and cognitive assessment and make decisions about what you can or can't do as guardian. The other option is to let the state become the guardian, but in that case, all assets and income are taken and you have no say in where she lives or what medical treatment she gets.

You have enough on your plate - do find some EC attys that offer a free first consult and perhaps you can find a way out of this predicament!
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