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Mom is 85 and has smoked for 60 or more of those years. She first broke her right femur before Christmas and was only in hospital a couple weeks. Got her healed from that then she broke left hip in Feb. She was in skilled care for 5 weeks with that and she has dementia so she didn't remember she smoked so we went with that. Well after a couple weeks home it suddenly came to her. We tried to ignore it and then told her she quit but she would say no. This went on for a week and she became sad and mopey and uncooperative. Since I am her main caregiver and also the oldest sibling who had always been closest to her I gave them back to her and what a difference it made. She does really well for the PT guy, eats so much better and is happy again! I ration the smokes! She does not have the pack or the lighter and is fine with that. She has one every hour or two. She is not on oxygen so no worries there. Anyway my little sister who is 12 years younger than me and was never home cause husband in Air force calls to tell me that I am unfit to take care of mom and am only here to mooch off of her. How hateful can someone be? I've been living here with her since she asked me to move in when my dad was sick and that was 15 years ago. I want to be the one to take care of her cause she took such good care of my dad so he could die at home.

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My opinion, Mom is 85 with Dementia. If she wants to smoke, let her. Its not going to change the outcome, she will eventually pass. Either from smoking or from the Dementia.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Siblings can be awesome or awesomely terrible. How cruel of your sister to tell you that?

Perhaps tell sis: As long as I'm good with being around cigarette smoke and I make sure there's no chance of her burning herself, me, or the house down, at 85 if Momma wants to smoke she gets to smoke.
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Reply to MountainMoose
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I actually think this is common, I had the exact same reaction from my brother when I quit my job and started taking care of my mom in her home 24/7. He said I'm only mooching off her and spending her inheritance. Reasoning didn't work, he didn't seem to grasp hiring a nurse would use up any inheritance in a flash. You are doing a noble thing by taking care of your mom. Your sister is just feeling guilty, in my opinion, because she isn't there for your mom like you are. You can have a clear conscious, while your sister can't.
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Reply to kbuser
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It takes two or more people to feud with each other. If you do not engage with your sister, argue, explain and /or defend yourself, there is no feud. When she calls, don’t answer the phone. Send weekly updates about Mom, either by email or snail mail. If you get nasty, accusatory communications back, delete or tear them up. If you feel the need to say something, fix her with a withering look or use a very firm voice on the phone and say, “I’m doing what I think is best for her.” And hang up or walk away.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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yes, you are not alone, I have 2 brothers and one sister since I retired in 2008 I have taken care of my 102 year old mother with no help or support from my siblings. When I told my minister brother that needed a break I also moved in my mot hers house in 20 11 cause she needed 24 hour supervision, she cant cook confined to a wheelchair.My children helps a lot. But this is their grandmother. One brother moved to another state when asked for him to take mom for a weekend or week got no response. y minister brother was upset because I sent my mom to Florida with my daughter, and I have put the house up for sale. He did visit mom and when he would come he would take her to get pedicures and manicures. When I asked him for relief he wanted to put her into a nursing home near him, Ive always wanted mom to be able to stay in her home but it just go be too much, feel mom is in a better place she is getting the care she needs and I am getting a much needed break no thanks to my siblings. After house is sold I plan to move to where my daughter lives
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Reply to Buttonose
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