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My mother and I have had a tarnished relationship since she left my house last year. (Please read my previous posts for full story) My role within my family dynamics has been the scapegoat since my father has died. My sister and her will team up and say horrible things about my husband and I. I’ve basically stopped all contact with my sister to stop the toxic behavior.


My mother enjoys posting on Facebook and pressing the like button on pictures. Since my falling out she hasn’t liked any of my pics. I plan on posting pics of my daughter for her 11th birthday. If she doesn’t comment I may say something to her. I find it awful that she will turn against me and not even share joy for me. She doesn’t want my sister seeing her affection to me in any way. How would you handle this?

I too, have a narcissistic mother and am the Scapegoat. I feel for you. Ten years of therapy.

Your first mistake (IMO) was that she lived with you. 1 week over the holiday, mine stayed with us. She dug through all of my drawers, "repossessed" and literally stole items from me without apology.

She's spent the last 3 weeks, complaining to family about her visit and she tells me she can't wait to come back again (never!)

She stalks Facebook. I left it 6 months ago and it drives her crazy. May I suggest the same or simply "unfriending" her?

One thing I have learned is she can't be fixed because she thinks she is normal. Any descent by her family/friends is met with full on rage.

The relationship you desire, deep in your soul, like friends have with their mothers is not possible. It's taken a long time for me to accept that. My adult children have nothing to do with her, because they saw what I refused to see.

I hope this helps and I give you a big hug. Only the children of narcissim will understand.
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Reply to Sosuemetoo
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You can't escape toxic behavior if you're associated with the cause of it on social media sites like Facebook where it breeds & multiplies with every 'like' or angry emoji that's applied to each post! I'd unfriend both of these women on FB so they can't see your posts and pics at all. Free yourself from knowing what your mother is 'liking' on FB entirely! Who cares?
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Reply to lealonnie1
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First, unfriend mom, do not follow mom, learn grey rock.

https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock

There are many daughters of narcissistic moms here. There is actually a site solely dedicated to that.

https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/
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Reply to gladimhere
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I could hazard that more than half the discussions on this forum are about relationships with toxic people--and they are almost always family.

We CRAVE love and affection and acceptance. Some of us just never get it. We need to be loved and accepted without condition, that's our basic animal nature. And many of us don't have that.

I've always maintained that if you have one person you KNOW loves you without condition, you are lucky. If you have 2 or more, you are blessed beyond measure.

And that unconditional love does not have to come from family.

I blocked my toxic MIL from being my FB 'friend' and so I do not see her posts or anything. I have no idea what she posts. In this case, ignorance is bliss.

And fighting on FB is very immature and childish. If I could magically undo ONE thing I have done in life it would be to go back and NOT set up a FB acct for my DH. He has ruined so many good friendships over stupid, snarky things he says. People have actually asked me if he's getting senile. Nope, he's just being him with no filter. Not attractive.
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Reply to Midkid58
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notgoodenough Jan 14, 2022
Posts like this make me so glad I never got involved with Facebook, which to me is just a place to try and create the image of a perfect life, home, children, marriage, et al., and then dissolves into something almost poisonous.

I imagine I'm in the minority here, but I'm a HUGE South Park fan, and they've done EPIC stories about the pitfalls of social media, specifically Facebook.

I really never did understand why one would get involved with Facebook, when you can accomplish any communication you might desire - including sharing of pictures - with people you know through regular, old e-mail. I just don't want my personal business put out onto a social media sight that has been proven in the past to leak private information of its members for monetary gain, and then claim it was either an "accident", or it never really happened in the first place.
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Be confident in who you are. Other opions should not matter.

Just inform both you mother and sister that there will no contact until they apologize for thier imature behaviour.

Toxic men and women will poison your soul if you let them. Just as you would not drink cyanide because it is bad for your body niether should you not allow toxic creatures to poison your heart.
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Reply to Christservant
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Please stop trying to win your mother's affection. It seems like her affection is not worth much anyways. Find the love and acceptance you need with other people who care about you and nurture you.
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Reply to Taarna
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Lizzy, why are you placing all the blame on your sister? Not only do narc parents run our self esteem into the ground, if we let them but, they do triangulation between us and anyone that might love us more then them or even at all.

Honestly, you should stop being friends with her on FB, you are giving her a direct line to continue hurting your heart. Who gives a crap if she gets to see and comment on your life and family? She doesn't deserve to screw with another generation, your children don't deserve to be dissed by a narc granny.

Your mom, nor your sister has the emotional connection that you desire available to give. It may appear mom loves sister more, because you are the decided target. I promise you, if you step away and stop being their chew toy, they will start chewing on one another.

Your children deserve the best you possible. So start today by wiping these toxic people out of your head. You will get stronger as you detox and your family will benefit from your strength.

If mom calls crying and laying a guilt trip, use her actions against her drama. Well mom, you never seem to like them, so I figured it was best to stop taking your time. End of discussion.

I would recommend doing some research to see why you give mom so much head space and opportunity to stomp your heart. Because YOU can put an end to it. She never will, it works to well for her. Oh, be prepared for drama, tears, guilt, blame, shame, attacks personal, private and public when you stand up and say enough. That will push her to new heights trying to get you back under control. It is okay to hang up, walk away and to tell her no more. You are an adult, no longer under her authority.

Best of luck! It is not easy but, it is most rewarding when you stop looking to a narc for something they can't provide.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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You'll feel better if you get out of FB! I did!
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Reply to Bunny567
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Why expect her to change this pattern of disordered behavior? Although it’s unfortunate that a mom can’t share joy with a daughter, it seems that this will never be the case for your mom. It seems you CAN share joy with your own daughter, so take pleasure in that and tell yourself (about your mom) “that’s just Mom being Mom.” I did wonder if part of your question was about your daughter being hurt by Grandma’s lack of positive connection; others can speak better to that than I.
I would suggest that you don’t even make posts on Facebook for a few months and see how that feels. I am guessing you would feel better, since that’s true for most people. Maybe don’t even open Facebook for several weeks and see what happens!
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Reply to Chris52
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I personally would avoid posting pictures of your daughter on facebook, esp bc your motivated to see if your narcissistic mother responds which is setting yourself up for hurt to you and your daughter. Narcissists thrive on using social media to hurt others by ignoring or posting rude comments, share photos of her with those who are healthy and you know will be a positive addition and add support and happiness rather than negative toxicity
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Reply to Sarah3
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Ariadnee Jan 20, 2022
Yep. Reminds me of when my narcisisstic mother saw photos of her grand daughter, who was about 2 years old at the time, and all she could talk about was how little hair her grand daughter had. "Ma, she's only two, her hair is blonde, how much hair should she have???" "Well, she doesn't have enough-looks like she's going bald"....and on and on....I'd walk out of the room, no getting through to my mother.
Oh, and I fully support other's suggestions here of quitting Facebook. Again, no need to be part of the Narcisisstic dance-why bother?
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