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Dad is 77. COPD 2 heart attacks and kidney disease. He has occupational therapy and physical therapy come in 3 times a week and hates it. I’m sure he would refuse it but my sister and I have told him he has to. He has no interest in doing anything. He sits in recliner all day watching tv. Only stands up to urinate in urinal then sets it to the side for me or sister to empty and clean. He can walk. He has a walker and just recently spent 2 weeks at rehab for help walking. My stepmom passed away a year ago and dad fell while she was in hospital so he ended up in hospital too. Tried rehab then but after 3 days he refused and was sent home. Since then my sister and I have spent every day with him as we trade weeks. He can walk. He can go to toilet. He can get his already sorted medicine out of holder. He can get drink and heat up food. He is alone while we work and only does what he absolutely has to. If we are at home he does nothing. He expects food served to him and will call you from another room to get him drink. He’s not helpless just lazy and thinks he deserves this treatment. We are at wits end on what to do as we both hate staying with him but he has no one else. No family. No friends. Neighbors are not fond of him because of his treatment of stepmom. He makes no effort to socialize or help himself. Just wants to be waited on by somebody. I think it’s time for a nursing home but he would be self pay and refuses. Any advice?

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I agree with Daughterof1930, that if you are doing for him what he can do for himself there is some responsibility on you. You say he is a narcissist and that neighbors don't like him because of his treatment of your stepmom. There is likely a lot I am missing but this sounds like an abusive person is who being allowed to continue his behavior. I would like first to ask if you and your Sister and your Dad live together and if you are in his home or in YOUR home. If it is his home, then you and your sister should tell Dad you will be moving out together to make yourselves a like, and give him a good long timeline. He will adjust or he will be calling on services when he needs them. So, say, 3 months and we are gone. If he is in your home then same thing, but he has three months to arrange for home or will be placed in nursing home. He is likely to have another 10 years to make of your lives a misery. At some point you have to realize the choice is yours.
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Tireddaughter14 Sep 2020
We are at his home. We are both married with family and kids of our own but take turns staying with him. He has fallen 5or 6 times in the past year and scared to be alone. He also has drawn fingers from refusing to have surgery to release them. He makes a big mess when he tries to get drink or anything. He used this as excuse. My sister is a nurse and a very compassionate person. He wants her to stay all the time because I’m not so compassionate. I stay to give her a break. He uses her nature against her. She really hopes he’s gonna start living a normal life. He’s not. I agree with you. We are enabling him but if I leave my sister will stay and be miserable. I need to mention that my sister has stayed for the last 1 1/2 months. Her husband stays too. My husband doesn’t go with me. I have been there for 3 days to give them a break. Dad doesn’t like for me to stay because I am “mean”to him. I’m not but if you don’t cater to him, he says you’re mean. 3 days and I’m ready to put him in home tomorrow
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Why are you doing for him what you admit he can do for himself? That’s not helping, it’s enabling his bad choices and behaviors. Time to back off, leave him on his own, and let him see for himself what his true needs may be. There are valid reasons others have stepped away, time your sister and you do the same
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If your father has hits mental faculties - this is his to figure out. Just because he refuses to think about assisted living or other arrangements does not thereby obligate you to give up your life to cater to him.

Decide what you are WILLING to do - not feel obligated to do. Then inform him that you will do X and will no longer do Y.

This is up to him to figure out now.
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