Mourning "A" mother?

I certainly feel your pain and can relate. My mother was never there for any of her 6 children, and was a very selfish person, thinking only of herself, and making everything about herself. On top of that she didn't protect us from our father who sexually abused 5 of us. I had to early in my adult years, cut ties with her, for my mental health's sake. I too am a christian, but have felt no guilt over the years about my decision as I know that God understands. Thankfully for me, He sent me another woman in my life, who I called my "second mom", even though she was definitely more of a real mom to me than my birth mom ever was. Both are deceased now, but I am grateful that my second mom showed me what a true mom looks like. When my birth mom died, I too mourned for the mom I never had.
You are not alone, and however you choose to deal with your situation, will be right for you. No one wants to get to the end of their life and have any regrets, so listen to your heart, and do what's best for you. God bless you and keep you.

Xray, I am also so sorry that your Mother cannot be the support you need & deserve.

You have tried less contact I think? Is that improving things somewhat?

Only you know if cutting all ties is right for you... For me, something very dire would have to prompt that but I have had a long long time to accept the relationship we have. It has never been the story-book mother-daughter closeness. Even with my siblings, I can call & ask about their week, job, health etc but very very seldom a call is made back to me. I have had to accept they have limited brain reserve to think outside their own issues, their own needs.

Every now & then it saddens me (like you) that it has not been more, but I remind myself to accept it & go looking for support in places I will have more success.

I will conjur up a picture of a beautiful cape of protection - warmly placed around your shoulders for when you next visit/talk to Mother.

❤️❤️❤️

xray - I am so sorry you don't have a loving mother who you could turn to in time of pain and sorrow. It must hurt. Please know we care about you and what you're going through.

I am glad to hear that you are now cancer-free. That is fantastic. That is worth celebrating. Did you do anything special? I'll going to have a colonoscopy done soon, and I am hoping for good news.

About your spine fusion, is it a complicated procedure/surgery? Will you have someone to help you afterwards?

Jodi, I'm so sorry. After my mom's dx of dementia (I know that your mom doea not have dementia) I realized that the person I used to rely on for support was gone. I mourned that mightily.

I developed a network of friends and other family members to be my support in times of trouble. I leaned heavily on my husband. I became especially close to a cousin who also was a caregiver to her elderly parents.

(((((Hugs))))))

I’m so sorry that you did not receive comfort from your mom when you needed it most.

I will never understand why people, especially your own mother feels as if they have to one up you when you are telling them about your situation.

It would have been nice if she could have left herself out of it and actually listened to your concerns. It is selfish behavior.

I would not expect your mom to be responsive to your situation because she has proven that she places herself first. As you say, a lot of people have dealt with this situation. I gave up on trying to make my mom understand what I felt. It just gave her ammunition to attack me with.

So instead of looking to receive compassion from her, go to another source, perhaps a good friend or another relative besides your mom.

I realize that you do not know me and we don’t have a connection in life but for what it is worth, I care. I am sorry that you have had cancer. I am thrilled that you beat it. My husband has cancer now and while I am hopeful that his treatment will be successful it’s a stressful and frightening time for us.

Sorry about your foot, neck and shoulder discomfort. It seems like everything happens all at once and it gets overwhelming.

I sincerely hope things get better for you soon. Take care.