Does anyone else fear a parent dying in their home?

My spouse was in his 30's and died from cancer in our living room. He was in a hospital style bed and I was asleep on the floor. I wish I had been awake when he died. It didn't bother me that it was our home. It wouldn't have bothered me if we were in a bed together. When the hospice caregiver showed up, he wouldn't go in the room and couldn't get out of the house fast enough. I stayed in the house for 18 months. It's too stressful to have a spouse die and move in the same year. In our faith, we have a tradition of going to the funeral home to dress the deceased. Usually friends do it. I chose to go myself (with a friend) as a last service I could do for my husband. When my dad died, I was with him at my parent's house. My mom wanted me to stay the night. My parent's had separate bedrooms. I changed the sheets and slept in the bed he was in when he died. My mom lived there for another ten years. I have had relatives die in facilities too. The memory of sitting in that room with them as they passed or being called there is just as painful. If I close my eyes and think of them, I see them there in that room. My feelings of grief at each death have been different.
Thousands of people are attending to someone who will die today. You don't have to be a nurse or social worker, etc. You just have to be human.
Everyone has their own thoughts and feelings. You must do what is right for you.
Many houses have had people die in them. In my state, there is no duty to disclose this. If it was a murder, there may be a requirement. Consult a real estate agent. I hope the account of my experiences is of help to you.

You aren't alone in this. From a real estate sales perspective, it falls into "psychological impact of property" did someone die here?

Needhelp: Of course I'll pray for you! I'm honored you asked. There are so many answers and perspectives here, isn't it amazing? What a great community there is here, everyone willing to share to try to comfort and encourage you! Truth is, nobody knows what happens next, after death, because no one has ever really come back in concrete form to say. And likewise, from your perspective, you can't really anticipate how you are going to feel if/when your LO dies at home unless and until you experience it. All we can do is share our own experiences with you, then you get to decide how you *think* you might react if and when.

I guess my best advice to you would be this. Consider, among other things, what your LO would want. And then consider how you would feel if you were to provide that. Would you be at peace with your decision? I liked one answer (sorry, don't remember who) that said their LO "fell asleep" at home to the sound of their favorite classical music, undisturbed by the sounds and hustle of a hospital setting.

I do wish I could have provided that for my late husband many years ago, but alas, he was a very big man and there was no way I could have cared for him at home in his last weeks, even with hospice. (In his case, it would have been Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix, not classical, lol!)

In the end, you must be at peace with your decision. There is no right or wrong answer here. If the very thought of having your LO die in your home gives you the willies, don't do it, and make no apologies for it. Whatever gives you peace is the best answer for you. ((((Hugs!!))))

My mom was on hospice and passed away in our spare room, which was hers for 2 years. I had excellent hospice people, and the privacy was better than in a nursing home. It was nice and quiet for mom and I played alot of her favorite classical music. She was able to nap without hearing commotion from the hallways and blasting TVs which were the norm in a facility. People have died everywhere for thousands of years. Who knows who died on the spot we are sitting at the moment...However there were visual disturbances that were probably from a retinal detachment I had, but wonder about to this day. Before her death I did have short glimpses of a dark cloaked figure in various corners of different rooms. The figure went away after. It may have been stress of caregiving, or the retinal issue though. I never did get used to entering the room without being aware of all the months she was bedridden there, but that might have happened if she would have been moved to a facility later. We did end up moving, but not for the reason that mom passed on there. For us, the benefits of privacy, and peace and quiet were worth keeping mom at home with hospice.

Sounds like you would benefit from reading a bit about death to check your feelings. Death is scary to some but it is just the absence of life (as we know it).

In my way of thinking (believing), the soul lives on but the physical body dies. Your mother (her essence=soul) will always exist but the body wears out and has a limited time in this physical realm.

I imagine my dad’s soul having the ability to go anywhere. There is no old, worn out physical body to deal with anymore. You are limitless in the spiritual realm.

Educate yourself (as I did before the first semester of nursing school) so, when death comes, it’s not caught you “off guard”. Elizabeth Kubbler Ross has written a book, “On Death and Dying”, that I studied in 1976. Maybe it will give you a better grip on it and you will feel better about your mom passing at home.

Good of luck and God bless.

I would no more fear a LO dying at home than I would fear them falling asleep here! The Bible (which I trust and believe is God's Word to us, His children) calls death a sleep, in which we lie unconscious until the resurrection, when Jesus will come to wake us up, all at the same time (those who were obedient to Him), and take them to live with Him together in a safe and happy eternity. See 1 Thess. 4:13-18, John 11:11-14; Eccl. 9:5, 6, 10; Isaiah 65:17-25; Rev. 21:1-5.

Yes I lived with my mother when she passed in her home. She was in hospice care which assisted me and a friend to take care of her while she was passing away, but before hospice, there were signs that I had to educate myself on to know what I was experiencing as her caregiver. My mother was healthy , but she still needed care. If you are thinking about the death of your mother, than why?? Is it because you see her declining or fear? It is easier to put her in a facility, but , in my experience, my mother's peace of mind made her passing more bearable for her. If she is used to you being in the next bedroom and you all have a great relationship than I believe it would be beneficial to her to pass at home. I did my research and looked for signs of end of life outside of a sickness or disease. These signs became a reality, and I was able to track her behavior changes, and make decisions based upon her new normal. Legally, dying at home , you will need advanced directives and a health POA, excellent hospice care, (please do your research),and other legal advice. Journal her changes and make sure you communicate with family, friends, and doctors about her changes as she is declining. It's hard to see, but as I came to grips with my mother's leaving this Earth, I became more aware of her needs than my emotions about her end of life care. But this is my experience, you know your MOM and what is best for her, just weigh the cost to you financially and emotionally, and develop a care pan as you navigate this difficult time. Good luck to you and your MOM!!!

Mother has an advance directive. One of the questions is whether she wants to be in her own home when the time comes. She marked yes.
When FIL time came, he wanted to come home. He lived in a bungalow in our property.
When my dad passed he was in the hospital. I stayed with him through his last breath, but I wish we would have taken him home. Not just because that's where he would have probably rather been, but also for my other siblings, for closure.

I was living with my boyfriends parents as their caregiver for 3 years (plus 2 years before that). This past July, they moved into a facility because they couldn't afford to live in their home anymore. His father, to which I had emotionally adopted, died in the facility a month later. Looking at and touching his deceased body.....it just seemed like he was asleep. Not breathing of course, but asleep. He was cool, not terribly cold, to the touch. I couldn't get his mouth to close. I knew he was in terrible health and it was just a matter of time. But when I saw him, it was like the end of a really great book that you had completely and utterly immersed and lost yourself in. The kind you didn't want to end. But it did. And you're in that kinda numb state with the knowledge it's over...and you know it was a good story and that insulates you for a few days afterwards. That is how I felt. It wasn't dramatic. The world didn't crash or fall apart. It was just there. Yes, I was sad, very sad, but there was also a weird kind of peace about it too. Maybe that was self-protection, idk. If you're a strong person, you will probably be able to handle it whether she's home or not. You're going to cry either way, you can't escape that. Where does she wish to be when she passes? In the aftermath, when our heads are clearer and we try to think of the positives, I say I would have felt better if he passed at home. That's where he wanted to be. But at least, he was with his wife. Hugs to you.

This is a great question! Same concern of mine. I prefer mother's passing not to be in our home. It may be selfish, but I think I would move, like immediately! I just couldn't handle it, and know I'd think of her passing a lot more then usual, if I'm walking by her room everyday where it happened in. No thank you! We have not had this conversation yet, but guess I need to know her thoughts and preference too! If...it can be a preference. I'm almost certain she will need medical intervention due to lung disease. Heartbreaking no matter where though. For sure.

I can understand feeling uneasy; it's going to be tough, wherever the death occurs. Many wishes for strength to you.

Mom's death after three days of "actively dying" was in a facility. The SNF was tender of our feelings, and it was my privilege to stay in the room with her for those days on one of their chairs-that-turns-into-bed.

As for anecdotes, my friend's husband died a lingering death as expected at home with hospice's attention with the bed, the white rose on the pillow after collecting his body, etc. When she moved swiftly to sell the home afterwards and went to live in with her 80 year old parents out of state, she told me that she did not wish to live alone, but she wasn't living alone because her daughter and one of daughter's friends lived with her. It did occur that the memories of those last days in the home they shared for 20 years shared responsibility for that move.

I will answer how I personally feel. When it is my time to die, I want to die in MY OWN BED IN MY 'HOME' wherever that is. I don't ask much but I do ask that. I would never want to die in a hospital or other than my home if I have anything to say about it. Consider this as your gift to the parent. It is part of life and you will feel blessed that you provided this one wish. It will be hard but it is far better than dying in a medical facility. Be strong and recall the good times.

I had that fear when my mother had cancer in last stage, last year. We lived together, but my concern was that I lived with my teenager daughters. Some things in life are just too much to be observed by a teenager. That was my real fear. In her last days I almost couldn´t sleep at night, knowing that she was going through so much phisical discomfort and pain. , I was afraid and felt too lonely facing this experience. I wish my mother could die at hospice with all the care and support someone can provide. When the moment came, I had to take her to hospital emergency, since she had problems breathing and her blood pressure was going down very fast. finally she died at hospital. Doctors tried to help her die with less pain. It was not the kind of death I wished for my mother, but I gue ss I just tried to help her until the very end. Always by her side. Hope you find your way to do the right thing when moment comes.

I drowned when I was fifteen. (Obviously recovered.) I was in the water drowning and simultaneously bubbling up out of my body, into the air. When I began to go into my "death agonies", my soul body (really, I had taken on my form, but lit with colored light and swirling colors, such joy and freedom!...) watched floating from about fifty feet above. "Hey, that's me! That's my hair floating on the water's surface." - Remember this if you watch loved one's suffering in last moments. You literally "split". although your family only sees you dying.

Anyway, "Near Death Experiences - NDE's" (hate that expression) are referred to as "the cutting of the coil" in ancient Greek writings. (Think of the umbilical cord!) Your earthly body is just a house for your soul and when you leave it, your "incorporeal" body goes to God! You will see your deceased loved ones (many presenting in their younger selves, and others - like childhood friends, - I even saw quiet people in "old-fashioned" Greek dress, quietly standing by. - My ancestors? It's all love. This is the Big Truth: Every question you ever had is answered. All weight and hardship from life ceases to exist. You feel unchained. You are home.

Some elders will actually want to die at home. Unless there's a medical emergency during which an ambulance would be called, it's unlikely that they would die at home. However, it's possible.

I had the privilege of caring for both of my parents through their end-of-life process. I am not afraid of death and neither were they - that probably influenced our decisions. They wanted to be in a home setting and with family when they took their steps into their next life. I was glad to be able to provide that for them. We had hospice to help us understand the stages and be prepared for them. I think this is a very personal decision - it really depends on what you, your family and your mother are comfortable with. I hope you have discussed it with her.

I feared my mother was going to die in the SNF....she wanted nothing more than to come home...so I took her home & now this month it’s 2 years! She’ll be 92 ..I know she has put on weight since she’s home...because she didn’t eat well in the NH...her bones by her neck were showing....not now...as she filled out & got built up . ...so my mother always says she wants to die at home. I really don’t feel comfortable about it happening anywhere...in the SNF or home. I remember when they got all the residents to gather out of the hallway and into the dining area where they couldn’t see a deceased resident being taken off the floor with the bed sheet covering him. My mother was in the bathroom with 2 CNA’s because she needed lift machine. I was worried my mother would see & they would take her out of bathroom back into hallway, so I let head nurse know my concern & she said both CNAs know. It was at that moment I said to myself I didn’t want my mother go that way...& told the nurse that...she answered that eventually it’s going to happen & she will someday pass..but you just don’t want it to happen here...? So I said, “Yeah...don’t want it to happen here...” When my mother came out of bathroom & after they took deceased resident downstairs to morgue, I told my mother, “We’re gettin’ the hell outa here! I promise!” I cannot really say I’d handle it better if it happens at home, but I’ll never get that image out of my head...of the 2 NH workers wheeling deceased resident away with bed sheets covering him ...why did I stay in hallway? I wanted to make sure my mother didn’t come out of bathroom to see it ...

I've seen it from both sides. My parents both passed in the hospital; Mom had volunteers from our church with her 24/7 for three weeks (she had been in and out of the hospital for about 5 months on her third bout with cancer). Dad also was in the hospital, and I was there with him. My FIL was at our home, where he had lived for some years. We had tried a assisted living facility, which he hated, and had brought him home for a weekend. His heart failed during the night; we both heard his last gasps.
My MIL had been at our house for most of her last year, but was at another son's house,on hospice. I had been called to bring some medicine from her oncologist, so I stayed for an "overnight shift." She was talking to her longdeceased mother and a sister, and kept saying "tomorrow is Sunday!" She passed about 6am, and I think that she was seeing something that she could only describe as a Sunday flavor. My 92-year-old grandmother had been to a grandson's wedding, stayed up late chatting with her sister, and didn't wake up in the morning. One of my uncles and then his daughter lived in her house for some years.
My husband died in the hospital after about a week of slowly slipping away; the observation unit where he was was full of our kids, and nieces and nephews; his siblings came and didn't stay. I was there all day. Earlier in the week, we had smuggled a young grandson, and and grandpa laid hands on him and blessed him. About five months earlier, when we realized that his lymphoma had returned, he had told me "We get lots of choices in this life; this is not one of them."

I’m not afraid of dead people , they are just dead, they can’t hurt you . However , you don’t feel that way. My mother is terrified of death and dying. She wouldn’t let us open windows due to some superstition about it making you die. However she felt better with my stepfather having hospice at home with her. It’s a decision only you can make but if you’d actually move if she died in you home , by all means have her move to an assisted living facility. You feel the way you feel. It might help you though if you did actually learn about the dying process. My stepfather’s hospice had a really good booklet on the dying process, telling you the different stages( ie lack of appetite since their body doesn’t need or utilize food anymore, sleeping dramatically more etc). The whole process can take a few years so it may help you make a “ now or later” decision.
From that experience, I thought it was nice to have him there. The nurse cleaned him up, we were able to have all the family come and see him looking peaceful. He died around 8AM , around 4 the funeral home came, took him out thru the garage then zipped the bag up so we never saw him in a closed body bag, they let my mother decide that.
It still was trumatic obviously but we got to same our goodbyes in private. Better than when my dad died not at home. But like I said , it depends on how you think, neither is the right or wrong way.

My mama and daddy both died at home, and they were serene experiences. Daddy died in his recliner smelling an apple pie I was making for him; Mama died with me and my sister literally in the bed with her, encouraging her last breaths like delivery room coaches. They, and my husband, sister, and I, wouldn't have had it any other way. No ghosts in the house, just happiness and forever love.

No fear of that at all. We are living in MIL's home to care for her. Her own mother and daughter each died in this same house. Also, my sister had our grandmother die of cancer in her home. Just not an issue for any of us. I guess it depends on the caregiver too. Some may cherish the opportunity to hold their loved one's hand and usher them to the threshold of eternity.

If it happened in a traumatic way, such as suicide or something else violent or sudden, I can see where it might be much more difficult to deal with it having happened in your home.

Grace & Peace to you...

I have had three people die in my house or my parents house when I still lived there, First my paternal grandfather died in what was our dining room but had been made over into a bedroom as it was a two story house. He had a stroke in 1934 or 35 that left him paralyzed so he could not swallow. He literally starved to death. Then in 1962 my other grandfather died upstairs in a bedroom next to mine of a heart attack. I never saw any ghosts from either of them and I am able sometimes to see ghosts. My brother just died in my house in the bathroom from a heart attack that was in October 2018. He had just lost his dog that was 14 years old, one week to the day before my brother passed. This time it felt more personal. But I believe it is because I am now the last person in my family. I am all alone. My parents both passed in NH's and so did my sister, & one grandmother. My husband died in hospital as did my other grandmother. Now as to which I prefer, the home by a landslide. Why because there they are more comfortable and you can be with them 24/7 if you wish. When my dad passed it was a shock, I was with him on New years day all day but there was a snow storm coming that night and I could not get there the next. I got a call from his doctor while I was giving my mom her breakfast. It was the same with all of my relatives that passed somewhere other than home. I was very lucky to be with my mom but she was the only one. It took her a long time to die, I was even told by the nurse to give my mom permission because she was staying just for me. So my opinion is that the easiest and best place is in your own bed at home with all your family around you. Like my grandpa, he went to sleep and never woke up. I pray when I go that it will be in my own bed,not some hospital room or NH.

I am taking care of my mom at home right now. I have her here
so she can die at home. I have no fear of it. To experience someone’s death is comforting in a odd sort of way. She was with me as I began my life and I am happy to be with her as she leaves hers. I have time to just sit with her and reflect on life both good and bad. Her mind isn’t with me any longer which makes me miss her already. She is 85 and dying of liver failure. Nancy

My Dad died very suddenly of a massive heart attack early in the morning, in the bed he shared with my Mum at home. His body was taken to hospital and that night I slept on his side of the bed next to my Mum. It was lovely to feel so close to him and it comforted my Mum to have me with her. I slept in that bed many times over the years and it was always comforting, never scary or weird. My Dad loved me and would never want to scare me, so there is nothing to be scared of.

When my husband's granny died her body was brought home and placed in an open coffin in her bedroom. The bedroom furniture had been moved out on top of the bed in the spare room, to make space for the coffin and for chairs for people to come and sit with her. My husband and I had travelled quite far and spent the night in her house, but obviously there was nowhere for us to sleep. We made a makeshift bed from duvets and pillows on the floor next to the coffin, we kissed her goodnight, told her we loved her, then slept on the floor by her side. We both slept soundly and it was lovely to be close to her.

I do worry about finding my Mum dead or dying, but only in the sense that I don't want her to be in pain, also it's such a huge responsibility, working out what to do, who to call etc. I wonder if I'll panic and just not know what to do. We don't always get to choose where we die, but when it does happen I hope it will be wherever and however it will be most comfortable for her. It certainly wouldn't make me feel differently about my home if she died while she was staying with us. I would just be happy that she would have known she was with us.

I cared for my mom, every day for 16yrs. No other family, money impossible. Sister quadriplegic with MS.
I learned more about Love and people than imagined.

I'm finding I could go on about it, but more important.
She died in my arms two years ago.
Fear of our own death is perceived differently than we assume others. Enough of me.

”GONE FROM MY SIGHT” - Barbara Karnes, RN.
www.bkbooks.com

This may already be known in the age caring community.
every caregiver should read, and have a couple copies.
there $2. Fear is easy to erase with Love, understanding.

It is hard for me to imagine that most people are telling you that it is easier or better for them to have a family member pass away in a facility than at home. I believe that our culture has developed in such a way that so many families, though they live one another, have such separate lives that they are detached and afraid of end of life events. Hospice providers are true angels and I have done both. Home and skilled nursing with them. My father passed in a care facility with family around and was also in Hospice there. My husband recently passed at home in the same way. It is always sad and traumatic. But it is the most intimate and important part of that proverbial "circle of life". And I do not know what your relationship is with your mom, so that can certainly be a factor. But you need to do what is right for you, without fear of guilt or judgement. I send you hugs! 🌻

My mother died at home. We had converted a downstairs sitting room into her bedroom a few years beforehand. She had been almost entirely bedridden at home for three months before she passed away; so as you can imagine, there were an awful lot of memories in that room for me, not many of them joyful, but not all terrible either. I could think of times when she had looked content and comfortable and it all seemed worth it.

I wasn't plagued by thoughts of her lying there dead overnight (she died in the very early evening, her GP came at once to certify the death, but I told the undertakers to collect her the next day - couldn't face their making a rushed job of it). I turned off the heating, lit a candle, and checked in on her a few times overnight. Waving her goodbye through the gate and down the road next morning was worse, if anything.

Her hospital bed went back to the hospital, along with all the rest of the nursing-type kit. We moved furniture back in, put the rug back, and before long it was just a sitting room again. No especially eerie feelings about it.

I think, really, wherever your parent dies - or anyone you love, come to that - there are going to be painful wishes and flashbacks; unless you're one of the few fortunates for whom everything just happens to fall perfectly, naturally into place. Would I have found it easier to walk away from a hospital room knowing her body would go from there to the mortuary? - I can't see it. I know for certain it wasn't any easier to see my great aunt's empty room at the nursing home, or even to drive there knowing she wasn't there to be visited.

I tend to be sceptical when people say how much the world has changed and things ain't what they used to be and it's all so different now; but one thing (or two, rather) that unmistakably has changed is how exposed we are to both birth and death. We hardly ever fully witness either, in the ordinary course of things. No wonder we find them so frightening.

I would absolutely recommend letting a parent die in their own home if that is what they want. Gather everyone around and sit with them and tell stories. They will go when they are ready (usually when no one is around). You will feel like you did right by them honoring their wish. I still feel my mother’s presence in the home and I love it❤️

I did all the time with my late dad! I would fear that I could not call 911 in the morning because since I am disabled, I would’ve had to wait for my assistant come to get me up, and find him lying on the floor. Luckily, it didn’t happen. I would pray to God that my dad would passed away on his bed. Instead, my dad was slowly dying with severe pain, and he went to the hospice. Then, he died two days later. I still am pleased that it turned out like this.

I believe that God would hear your fears, and help you with your mother’s plans.

Hugs. 🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻

My grandmother lived with us but did not actually die in our home. After her funeral....that night my mom could not sleep and didnt want to disturb my dad and went upstairs to my grandmothers room to try to get some sleep. She woke up and said my grandmother was sitting on bed and smiled at her. After that there was many experiences of her presence and others saw her upstairs also walking. Every night we also heard her walking around and our dog would be barking and going nuts. She stayed until my parents moved and don't know if she is still living in her room or not....lol