Does anyone else fear a parent dying in their home?

I have thought about it a lot. Both of my parents are pretty healthy, but, still, when you get up there in age, chances are......it's going to happen. I will say that I have stayed in houses, even slept in bedrooms where people have died before and they did not bother me at all. It was calm, peaceful and not scary. I even had a friend tell me that he saw his wife's ghost in his home once! I never sensed anything and don't believe it.

There's never been anyone who loved anyone on this planet, more than the way my grandmother loved me and I her. And, if she never came to me in ghost form, then, it's not possible, because, she would have. Of course, maybe, she thought it would scare me. lol That's how I reason it in my mind. Others may have different experiences.

I did have a premonition of my great aunt dying. I had an intense desire to go visit her on Thursday, instead of Friday. She was stable. Good thing I acted on my intense feeling and visited with her, took her flowers, because, she died that night.

That was definitely a worry and probably contributed to the burn out that had me place mom at a NH - especially the knowledge that I was flying solo and my support system didn't look as if it was adequate.

Sunny,

Thanks for responding. Your answer helps. I’m so glad you acted on your premonition and saw your aunt. Such a sweet story. I adored my grandma as well. She was so special to me.

cwille,

Yeah, on my mind too. Thanks for listening to me. Our minds wander in so many directions when we become caregivers.

I have thought about it a lot and I do not want my parents or my in-laws dying in my house. My FIL is in bad health but trying to get better. I’ve played out different scenarios in my house and if it came to a point where he went on hospice, my husband and I are the only ones who could provide 24-hour care. Well I would be the one providing most of the care because of my husband back issue. I am not willing to take on that responsibility and I DO NOT want him or anyone else to die in my house. I don’t want that vibe, that juju in my house. Don’t want my kids to experience it either. It gives me the willies. My MIL died in her own home on hospice and that was one thing. That was her home. The last time I was in that house was a week after she died and it didn’t feel weird, I didn’t get any bad vibes. But I still don’t want anyone dying in my house. Call me immature but.....I just can’t have that happening. I believe in ghosts and don’t want any haunting my house.

I think how a person reacts to someone dying in a particular home is an individual experience. My first memory of death is attending a visitation in the home of my great-aunt for her husband who had just died at 69 from a sudden heart attack.. The open casket was in the living room and the condolence book was on a table just inside the front door. The great-aunts (6 of them still living at that time) manned the adjoining living room, kitchen, and dining rooms. The next generation was mainly on the porches and kids like me were playing in the yard.

My uncle and sister died at home - in their own beds with hospice after battles with cancer. I was in the next room when my uncle died and in the room with my sister. Both went into comas in the hours before death and died very peacefully. I thought this was easier than a death in a hospital environment like Grandma because extended family members were in the house taking care of practical matters and available to offer comfort, during the death watch, the actual death, and the removal of the body by the funeral home. I was never bothered in any way entering those homes after the deaths. I had wonderful memories of those people in those homes before the deaths and the deaths did nothing to change those feelings. I took great comfort in the thought that they were both beyond pain and happy in heaven.

My father died over the weekend in the hospital after spending 3 years in MC. His hospitalization was to re-balance his medications. Although he had been doing well at the MC, his vascular dementia driven anxiety went through the roof at the hospital: he wouldn't cooperate with the nursing staff, demanded unlimited water when the doctors restricted fluid intake in an effort to clear his lungs, refused to take the ice chips he could have, gave several family members and staff good a cussing for not bringing the salt laden foods he wanted, etc. Finally he worked himself up enough to stroke out and quickly pass on. Dad has been at high risk of a major stoke or another heart attack for several years. This wasn't unexpected but I was surprised at how quickly he went from doing well to very serious heart failure. It was slower with my grandparents.

For me personally, having been present for a couple of at home deaths and a couple of hospital deaths, I would chose the in home death if at all possible.

When my stepdad was ill last fall there was discussion about him being sent home on Palliative care to die.

Mum considered it, but realized that 21 hours a day she would have been responsible for all his care. Although Mum is a fit 84, there is no way she could manage that.

So it was not a fear of him dying at home, but the amount of work she would be faced with that kept him in hospital.

We were both with him when he died. It was a peaceful death. Not scary or upsetting, he just stopped breathing.

A friend’s Dad died at home, she had young children. The kids were ok and got to say goodbye to him in his own bed when he was warm.

I think your feelings are valid.

I don't think I'd mind visiting a home where someone had died (in fact I'm sure I have) but living in the home is altogether different, I've imagined my mother in the room down the hall often enough as it is.

And I can't imagine asking anyone to use the bed where my mother died in what is now the guest bedroom. Of course I could buy a new bed, but not everyone can afford to do that.

My FIL Lived with us for the last 13 years of his life, the final 9 weeks, he was on Hospice following hospitalization for a bad fall and Pneumonia, where they found and diagnosed Lung Cancer, a golfball size tumor in his Rt lung, metastasized to his chest wall.

He was released from a 1 week stay in hospital to our home on Hospice, and died peacefully in our home after 9 grueling weeks of care by my husband and myself, plus the wonderful Hospice care team.

In the 1 year since his death, I had never gotten comfortable entering his bedroom where he died, and while we had intended on turning it into a beautiful guest bedroom, with all new furniture even, it ultimately turned into a storage room due to my being uncomfortable entering his death room.

We have just sold our home of 24 years (on Feb 7th 2019), not only because of his dying there (just over a year ago), but also because those 13 years were a constant reminder of us being tethered to the home in care of him in his older and declining years (he was 87 when he passed) plus my depression and grieving process which followed his passing, but we also had decided that the time was right (plus the current market and increased home value) to downsize and we will buy a Condo, when just the perfect one comes on the market, so many reasons why we chose this time to sell up.

I can definately see why it would bother someone, although I never personally felt any Negative pressence (spirit) of him afterwards, but I did for quite awhile have a gnawing feeling that he was still in the bedroom, it was almost like he was still there alive and I was afraid to check, but that feeling did pass after a couple of months, however it has only been these last 3 weeks that we have been out of the house now and staying in my sister's MIL apartment, that I feel an absolutely freeing feeling for the first time in my life (I had my 1st child at only 20, he is 38 now), partly of which I am sure is Zero responsibility, Zero debt, no house to care for and keep up, all of that money sitting in the bank, and absolutely no connection to the feeling in the old house too. It is a very freeing feeling after being tethered to a home, raising 4 kids, caring for our elders for so so long (all 4 have passed away now), and now it is just the 2 of us, and the possibilities are endless! I reccomend it!

If you are concerned of a ghost, spirit, a “presence”— whatever you wish to call it— can always consult with a pastor, priest, minister, even ghost hunters (yes such people exist, and no, they won’t be like it was in Ghosbusters) if you are not religious. I’m told whenever people sense something in a home where someone has died, it’s usually their soul letting you know they are okay.

My grandfather died at home in the main bedroom and grandmother stayed there until she died. He died a few years before I was born. As a kid, I always felt something was “off” when I was in that room. Nothing happened, just a different vibe than the rest of the house. And I didn’t know he had died in that room until I was older!

Absolutely not. I don't want anyone dying in my house. It would leave a negative vibe in that room and bed where the person dies.

Two years ago, when my mom was very very sick and we thought she was close to death, she kept saying she saw my late father come to visit her everyday. One night, I was standing at her bedside as she was laying in bed, she then pointed to the foot of her bed and told me that my late father was standing there looking at her. I looked where she was pointing and saw nothing, so I told her there was no one there, but she insisted.

Then a moment later, I saw my dad in the mirror walking/floating out of the room through the window. OMG. I just froze. I think he showed himself to me just to let me know that I was wrong. That experience scared me for days. Eventually, my mom regained her strength and she never mentioned seeing my late father again.

Polarbear, my Mom also, spoke with and felt my late Father's pressence the whole time that she was bedridden and on Hospice (5 mo's), and although I never saw or felt him, I found it a comfort to know that he was right there with her, and as she said, "was waiting for her so that they could cross over into Heaven together". It was so sweet, and just the sort of thing my Dear old Dad would do, as he Loved her so much! She was so convincing, that I honestly believed her.

Incidently, the Hospice team looking out for my Mom in my sisters home for 5 months, reccomended a move to the Hospice Hospital for the final 10 days of my Mothers life, due to the subtle changes that they noticed in her mental status, her severe pain, and becauae they felt it best for my sister and her young Grandchildren, not be traumatized by her imminant death in my sisters home. It was a brilliant move and insight on their part. The Hospice Hospital was a gorgeous facility, and my Mom was never alone, as there was always at least one of her 6 children there with her at all times. In the end, all 6 of us were there with her, all with our hands on her during her final moments on earth, it was a peaceful and a beautiful thing.

My dad's mom (my grandmother) died in my childhood bedroom before I was born, plus, my dad died in what was my parent's bedroom that is now my room. It really doesn't bother me. I have had the feeling of my dad being around and there has been times when I can smell him. I may sound weird but I find it comforting to know he could be around. I assume that there is a possibility that my mother will die in the house as well.

But here is the thing that prehaps people don't realize is just because someone dies in a house or wherever doesn't mean that their soul will stay there. I never felt my grandmother or anything weird. My mother said it was because my grandmother probably went where her twin sister was. Who knows really where she went. I just never felt or seen anything when it came to her, and as far as my dad, I only feel him time to time.

As far as the memory of my dad's death has faded with all the good memories I have of him and that is what I focus on "his life" not his death!

"There is nothing to fear but fear it's self."

Sometimes when we are sleeping we tap into something else and/or we may have a visit of a LO or a friend who passed on to show us something that we need to see, a message, or something we need to do or not do. I personally thank God for the "inside message" which I believe is what your cousin had. Most people will have an experience of such thing at one point in their lives whether it is through a dream, vision, smell, feeling, and/or seeing a spirit.

If your mom passes away in the house and you feel uncomfortable you can burn white candles in each room for one night and burn sage walking room to room this will clean the energy in your home.

Just my 2 cents!

Some people really want to die at home. I wonder what most people want, hospital, hospice somewhere or home?

My mom told me about wakes in people’s homes. She was frightened as a kid attending those. A kid in my speech class did his ‘informative speech’ on how to embalm a body! His uncle was in the funeral business and he was going to be as well. We freaked out! He got an A!

polarbear,

There were parts of that speech that I desperately tried to forget or block out. Never have. As they say, too much information. I remember the teacher screaming at us to shut up and let him deliver his speech. All the girls in the class were screaming for him to stop his speech. Teacher said we were disrespectful and noted that he listened to our speeches. I wonder if we bored him with ours. His was a very original topic! The teacher loved it!

NHWM,

I know of two people who bought homes in which someone had committed suicide. They did not know the people who had died.

My Granny bought one of them. The house had been on the market for a very long time after the death and was sold at a discount by the estate. Part of the reason it took so long to sell is that the family had not wanted to spend the money to have the carpet properly replaced, so they cut out a large rectangle and had a similar but not the same patch put in. It drew attention to what had happened. My Granny did not care, and she had the whole carpet replaced before she moved in.

There were never any bad feelings or vibes in the house.

The second was bought by a good friend of mine. She was renting in one side of a duplex and her neighbour on the other side killed himself. She too saved about $35k on the home. She happily raised her 5 kids there. No bad vibes there either.

I do believe some people are more attuned and sensitive to death and those whom have passed.

Dying in hospital or care facility has become common in the last 50 years, but any house that is older will almost certainly have had deaths. For Lord Peter Wimsey (of detective fame), most of his many aristocratic ancestors were born and died in the same bed, and possibly spent the wedding night there too. I hope they had a new mattress occasionally. My mother died in the spare single bed I sometimes use when I am restless in the night. Whether or not to get spooked is a choice you can make, one way or the other. I find open coffin funerals much creepier.

At the other extreme from the aristocracy, the traditional Aboriginal approach was to burn down the building after a death. The aged care facility on the particular ex-mission I am most familiar with, sent an ambulance to the closest hospital at the very end, to avoid the problem. The occupant often was found dead on arrival. It helped to avoid funding problems.

I’ve ‘seen’ my mother twice, both times in a mirror and both times when I was ill and over-tired. The flesh sank from my bones and my mother’s face looked back at me. I said ‘hello Mum’ and thanked her for coming to look after me. They are good memories for me.

If your loved one is on Hospice you can ask that they be transported to an In Patient Unit at EOL (End Of Life) so they would not die at home. This is done often.
If your Loved One is not on Hospice you could ask for an evaluation to determine if they are eligible. Simple phone call and a visit from Hospice will answer your questions.

My father died in my home (we shared one). I am so glad he was able to die at home. He was on hospice and it was very peaceful, and he was comfortable in familiar surroundings.

To me death is not something to fear for either myself or my loved ones. Early death, or painful death, yes that is incredibly hard. But if you are born, you will die and I don't think that is bad. And to be able to die in familiar surroundings I think would be very comforting and for me that is what I would wish for myself or a family member.

My hubs will freak out if mom dies in the house, but I think he is more afraid being the one to FIND her.. My Great Grandmother outlived 3 husbands, and always told us kids that she saw each hubs the night after he passed. She was not alarmed or bothered by this, in fact I think she was comforted. Our house has "odd spots", and our dogs tend to stare at the spot in the foyer where dad used to stand and watch the deer. Doesn't bother me all. Mom is welcome by me at least to pass where she was loved and cared for.

I am sitting right now in the spot where my mother died about 8 months ago. She was in a hospital bed in her living room (now my living room) and I placed my desk in the same spot where her hospital bed had been.

We owned the home together, although I didn't live in it full time until the last weeks of her life. Like others have said, I had trouble entering what had been her bedroom and her bathroom. I didn't want to disturb her stuff or invade her privacy, even after her death. Eventually, I had to do it though. Not only am I the homeowner but I'm also the administrator of her estate. Finally I invited friends to stay with me for a while, and I had to clear out my mother's bathroom, nightstand, closet, etc to make room, and to remove her personal items from anyone else's view.

I was here in the house when my mother died and while she was dying, and it was very hard. Hard to be responsible for her care and her comfort. Emotionally wrenching and physically exhausting. I have bad memories and good memories of that time. However, I am glad we didn't place her in a hospice facility. She wanted to be at home, and I wanted to take care of her hands-on, not see her for an hour or so per day while other people attended to her care.

I'm not uncomfortable being here. I have my mother's ashes in a polished wooden box in my bedroom, displayed on the top shelf of my bookcase. She still has a place here, and an influence. I'm sort of comforted by that. It's been a long process, but if I were to sell my mother's house, it won't be because she died in it.

If you're concerned about being in a home that a relative died in, I think that's an aspect of ... brainwashing. My own inclination stemmed from that, that it's bad to have a home someone's died in, having to declare that fact when the house is for sale, and so on.

But that changed with my current house. It's an old log house and dates back to the early 1900s. The icon for this home died in hospital, but one day when I was concentrating on her as I "stirred" with a very old spoon I'd just found--worn to a point from decades of her cooking and stirring--and she appeared!

She "stood" behind me with her right arm over mine, which is what I saw up close and personal. I can still see the little old woman's hand and the red cotton sleeve dotted with tiny white flowers. Then she disappeared. I was shocked and scared because it was so unexpected, but I was so honored that this icon who I admired appeared to me, I just wept. Took me years before I could tell that story and not be a weepy mess. Even now I have to wipe tears.

But after that I'm not afraid of a spirit.

After that experience I got a phone call from a woman wanting to stay in my place (it's a B&B) and she only goes to places that are haunted and wanted to know if my place was haunted. I said, "no." I was actually offended, because I had learned the difference between "haunting" (a negative) and a kind spirit (a positive) who didn't deserve to be treated as a callous spectacle. I'm no longer concerned.

When Mom died last year, I wasn't concerned about her passing in her home. If her spirit is there, it's a benevolent and kindly spirit.

My friend cared for her husband at home. He had a brain tumor and was in a lot of pain. One night he said he didn't think he could go on any longer and she reassured him that he didn't need to worry about her anymore (he was one of those stand up guys who wanted to make sure he took care of everything before his life ended) He died that night, she woke up right as he passed. The way she described it was very touching and quite beautiful. She felt very blessed to have been by his side when he died.

I remember being in a house with an aunt that I could intuit was near death. I remember staying up all night listening to her tortured breathing. I felt quite afraid she was going to die on my watch, but no one else seemed too worried. I knew there were people on the way out to visit and I really wanted her to hang on. She ended up being able to visit her with family for the last time and died a few weeks later. But I do remember feeling quite worried about the whole thing. Maybe it had to do with the unfinished business she felt she had.

I think if someone has led a good life and is ready to leave earth on peaceful terms, it would still be sad but also a beautiful thing to be present at their passing. I've
been at people's bedside when they weren't ready to go and it was hard to know the right thing to say or do. I imagine it would be different when someone is truly ready.

Please don't worry. I was with my aunt in her home when she passed, my mom in her house when she passed, my dad when he passed in the hospital (in the hospice unit) May 18th, and with my special needs sister when she passed Dec. 27th in my home. It sounds scary...it sounds awful, but as many have said...it's a beautiful experience. Don't worry about this, just do what you feel you need to do...and I promise, it will be OK. All of my family is gone...and I feel honored to have been with each of them as they crossed over....it will be OK. Love Love Love

I feel it's harder to have a loved one pass at home rather than in a facility.  My mom passed young in a hospital, she wasn't aware of her surroundings, at the time my dad tried to bring her home, but she was so close, the hospital didn't recommend it.  I felt that was the best thing under those circumstances.  My dad could not have handled it.  Not everyone has the help they need, or a big family standing by to help. My husband passed at 53 at our home from Glioblastoma.  I didn't want him to pass alone in a hospital.  He was aware of his surroundings and everything that was  going on, even setting up in bed until the very day before he passed, I didn't want him to be alone at all through it.  He fell into the sleep phase for one day and then passed in the middle of the night.  My dad lives with me now, has advanced prostate cancer that he will pass from, and I will admit him to a hospice facility when it gets close, because I cannot go through that pain again.  Even though you can have hospice come to your home, you are still on your own to some degree, it does depend on the level of what the family or caregiver can handle and how much family you have helping, I've always been pretty much on my own, small family and I only have my dad and two daughters now.  My husband passed in the middle of the night next to me, it was heartbreaking, hospice not there.  I don't regret following through with promises my husband and I made to each other, even though we had to fulfill that promise so young, but it is not something everyone can handle.  As far as ghosts and memories and things like that, I moved to our guest room because our old room just isn't a happy place for me, and my grandson who my husband didn't get to meet, he passed before he was born, our little grandson found his way to my master bedroom which I use for storage now, and he was having a conversation with my rocking chair in the corner of the room, hadn't seen him do anything like that before or since.  So who knows, both my daughter and I walked into the room and watched this, a little shaken by it, all I can say is our little man was in a happy conversation with the rocking chair in the corner, and he has no idea is grandpa passed in that room.  So who knows.  Overall, I would not recommend to anyone who has doubts about a loved one passing in their home, to think it through and if there are still doubts, then probably should not do it. 

I hope my father does die here with me, in his own bed. I hope he is well enough (if you see what I mean) to die in peace surrounded by his own things and not in an institution.

As someone said so beautifully in this thread, everyone is different. I think it may depend on the relationship you have or had with the person who is dying. I have friends here in Sarasota who adored their father, mother and were very comfortable with having a loving goodbye in their home. My mother, as I have said before, was a pretty bitter narcissist and I would not have been comfortable at all with her dying here at home. Listen to your heart. These good people in this site are flowers of information. God bless you.

Death is going to be hard no matter where they are. Hospice can provide analgesics to reduce unpleasant symptoms such as pain and nausea. However, home is also considered a haven of safety. Most probable it depends on the person dying. My mom has end-stage Alzheimer's and I doubt she will survive the year; she will be 90 in August. I hope she makes it at least that long. Because she is confused ALL the time, a hospital setting would not be comforting. The strange sights, sounds, people coming and going, bells and whistles going off..would most probably cause her distress. The familiarity of home and her routines will bring comfort. So she will die at home when that time comes (she is currently under hospice, but I do all of her care which is considerable).

A person still cognizant (such as dying of cancer but mind still intact) may prefer to die in a hospital because they feel safer in a medical establishment even though they are dying.

Depends on the individual and condition. However, for the family death will **NOT** be easy no matter where they are. But remember once they do die..their suffering will be OVER. They pain is forever gone. Yours on the other hand has only begun with the terrible mourning process..because you are still among the living.

When there is life there is suffering. Remember that. Their suffering is over. You will have to deal with your own suffering and loss---and somehow forge your own life back together.

This has been an interesting question and the answers are all over the place. Back in my dad's childhood it was natural to have the body of the deceased lay in the casket at home while family members stayed with the body until burial. People experienced much more death back then that the fear that hangs over death wasn’t as palpable as it is now. We are pretty far removed from death. I think it boils down to how you personally feel about death. As I’ve gotten older and sense my mortality now and being around my dad, I’m much more matter of fact about it. I think having a healthy perspective of death is important and it helps me accept it now. Were my husband to suddenly die in our home from say an accident or cardiac event, I would not be bothered living there. Death is just a transition from this life...the body is just a container.
My mom died in their bed of a brain tumor with hospice. I had no issues being in their home after or sleeping there. Neither did dad.
i hope you can work through this.