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I know death is part of life. Sometimes I think about mom dying in my home.


I have recently toured assisted living facilities in my area for mom. All were nice and I asked many questions.


It was also explained to me that hospice will be available for her when the time comes for her to die.


I asked about most people’s experiences, if it was easier to lose a person at home or while in assisted living? The response was for the majority of people it was easier if a parent died at a facility rather than in our homes. When I asked why, I was told, the memories, even about some seeing ghosts, selling house, etc.


Anyone else feel uneasy about a parent dying while living in their home? My mom’s bedroom is right next to mine, used to be my daughters bedroom.


Also, has anyone had dreams about a loved one dying? My cousin had a dream her mom died the night before she died.


Anyone heard any near death experience stories from loved ones?

This has been an interesting question and the answers are all over the place. Back in my dad's childhood it was natural to have the body of the deceased lay in the casket at home while family members stayed with the body until burial. People experienced much more death back then that the fear that hangs over death wasn’t as palpable as it is now. We are pretty far removed from death. I think it boils down to how you personally feel about death. As I’ve gotten older and sense my mortality now and being around my dad, I’m much more matter of fact about it. I think having a healthy perspective of death is important and it helps me accept it now. Were my husband to suddenly die in our home from say an accident or cardiac event, I would not be bothered living there. Death is just a transition from this life...the body is just a container.
My mom died in their bed of a brain tumor with hospice. I had no issues being in their home after or sleeping there. Neither did dad.
i hope you can work through this.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 7, 2019
Harpcat,

Oh, the voice of reason! Yes, sound logic. All of us ‘deep thinkers’ could learn a lesson or two from you.

Thanks for your heartfelt response. You seem to be very connected to what a family should be about.
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My mother died at home. We had converted a downstairs sitting room into her bedroom a few years beforehand. She had been almost entirely bedridden at home for three months before she passed away; so as you can imagine, there were an awful lot of memories in that room for me, not many of them joyful, but not all terrible either. I could think of times when she had looked content and comfortable and it all seemed worth it.

I wasn't plagued by thoughts of her lying there dead overnight (she died in the very early evening, her GP came at once to certify the death, but I told the undertakers to collect her the next day - couldn't face their making a rushed job of it). I turned off the heating, lit a candle, and checked in on her a few times overnight. Waving her goodbye through the gate and down the road next morning was worse, if anything.

Her hospital bed went back to the hospital, along with all the rest of the nursing-type kit. We moved furniture back in, put the rug back, and before long it was just a sitting room again. No especially eerie feelings about it.

I think, really, wherever your parent dies - or anyone you love, come to that - there are going to be painful wishes and flashbacks; unless you're one of the few fortunates for whom everything just happens to fall perfectly, naturally into place. Would I have found it easier to walk away from a hospital room knowing her body would go from there to the mortuary? - I can't see it. I know for certain it wasn't any easier to see my great aunt's empty room at the nursing home, or even to drive there knowing she wasn't there to be visited.

I tend to be sceptical when people say how much the world has changed and things ain't what they used to be and it's all so different now; but one thing (or two, rather) that unmistakably has changed is how exposed we are to both birth and death. We hardly ever fully witness either, in the ordinary course of things. No wonder we find them so frightening.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 7, 2019
Countrymouse,

So much truth and wisdom in your posts. Yes, I suppose we have irrational fears at times. Then you and others remind us of things that we need to hear. Things we never knew perhaps or have forgotten about. This is why it is good to have a forum like this one. We really can learn from one another. Thanks.
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I am sitting right now in the spot where my mother died about 8 months ago. She was in a hospital bed in her living room (now my living room) and I placed my desk in the same spot where her hospital bed had been.

We owned the home together, although I didn't live in it full time until the last weeks of her life. Like others have said, I had trouble entering what had been her bedroom and her bathroom. I didn't want to disturb her stuff or invade her privacy, even after her death. Eventually, I had to do it though. Not only am I the homeowner but I'm also the administrator of her estate. Finally I invited friends to stay with me for a while, and I had to clear out my mother's bathroom, nightstand, closet, etc to make room, and to remove her personal items from anyone else's view.

I was here in the house when my mother died and while she was dying, and it was very hard. Hard to be responsible for her care and her comfort. Emotionally wrenching and physically exhausting. I have bad memories and good memories of that time. However, I am glad we didn't place her in a hospice facility. She wanted to be at home, and I wanted to take care of her hands-on, not see her for an hour or so per day while other people attended to her care.

I'm not uncomfortable being here. I have my mother's ashes in a polished wooden box in my bedroom, displayed on the top shelf of my bookcase. She still has a place here, and an influence. I'm sort of comforted by that. It's been a long process, but if I were to sell my mother's house, it won't be because she died in it.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 6, 2019
Carla,

I really enjoyed reading your post. We are all different, aren't we? Everyone has a unique experience to share and I appreciate that. I am not sure exactly how I feel but I truly respect everyone's right to feel as they do. I like that each of us has our own opinion. I like independent thinkers not swayed by others. I like that we are able to learn from each other and still remain true to ourselves. Thanks.
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I think how a person reacts to someone dying in a particular home is an individual experience. My first memory of death is attending a visitation in the home of my great-aunt for her husband who had just died at 69 from a sudden heart attack.. The open casket was in the living room and the condolence book was on a table just inside the front door. The great-aunts (6 of them still living at that time) manned the adjoining living room, kitchen, and dining rooms. The next generation was mainly on the porches and kids like me were playing in the yard.

My uncle and sister died at home - in their own beds with hospice after battles with cancer. I was in the next room when my uncle died and in the room with my sister. Both went into comas in the hours before death and died very peacefully. I thought this was easier than a death in a hospital environment like Grandma because extended family members were in the house taking care of practical matters and available to offer comfort, during the death watch, the actual death, and the removal of the body by the funeral home. I was never bothered in any way entering those homes after the deaths. I had wonderful memories of those people in those homes before the deaths and the deaths did nothing to change those feelings. I took great comfort in the thought that they were both beyond pain and happy in heaven.

My father died over the weekend in the hospital after spending 3 years in MC. His hospitalization was to re-balance his medications. Although he had been doing well at the MC, his vascular dementia driven anxiety went through the roof at the hospital: he wouldn't cooperate with the nursing staff, demanded unlimited water when the doctors restricted fluid intake in an effort to clear his lungs, refused to take the ice chips he could have, gave several family members and staff good a cussing for not bringing the salt laden foods he wanted, etc. Finally he worked himself up enough to stroke out and quickly pass on. Dad has been at high risk of a major stoke or another heart attack for several years. This wasn't unexpected but I was surprised at how quickly he went from doing well to very serious heart failure. It was slower with my grandparents.

For me personally, having been present for a couple of at home deaths and a couple of hospital deaths, I would chose the in home death if at all possible.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 5, 2019
TNtechie,

That is such a beautiful way to see it. Thanks. Just trying to find peace with it, should it happen.
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I have thought about it a lot. Both of my parents are pretty healthy, but, still, when you get up there in age, chances are......it's going to happen. I will say that I have stayed in houses, even slept in bedrooms where people have died before and they did not bother me at all. It was calm, peaceful and not scary. I even had a friend tell me that he saw his wife's ghost in his home once! I never sensed anything and don't believe it.

There's never been anyone who loved anyone on this planet, more than the way my grandmother loved me and I her. And, if she never came to me in ghost form, then, it's not possible, because, she would have. Of course, maybe, she thought it would scare me. lol That's how I reason it in my mind. Others may have different experiences.

I did have a premonition of my great aunt dying. I had an intense desire to go visit her on Thursday, instead of Friday. She was stable. Good thing I acted on my intense feeling and visited with her, took her flowers, because, she died that night.
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My friend cared for her husband at home. He had a brain tumor and was in a lot of pain. One night he said he didn't think he could go on any longer and she reassured him that he didn't need to worry about her anymore (he was one of those stand up guys who wanted to make sure he took care of everything before his life ended) He died that night, she woke up right as he passed. The way she described it was very touching and quite beautiful. She felt very blessed to have been by his side when he died.

I remember being in a house with an aunt that I could intuit was near death. I remember staying up all night listening to her tortured breathing. I felt quite afraid she was going to die on my watch, but no one else seemed too worried. I knew there were people on the way out to visit and I really wanted her to hang on. She ended up being able to visit her with family for the last time and died a few weeks later. But I do remember feeling quite worried about the whole thing. Maybe it had to do with the unfinished business she felt she had.

I think if someone has led a good life and is ready to leave earth on peaceful terms, it would still be sad but also a beautiful thing to be present at their passing. I've
been at people's bedside when they weren't ready to go and it was hard to know the right thing to say or do. I imagine it would be different when someone is truly ready.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 6, 2019
bettina,

I agree. If they are ready it makes a big difference. It really does. I feel my mom is ready whenever her time comes. Sometimes I think she wonders what is taking God so long to take her home to be with my dad.
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My mama and daddy both died at home, and they were serene experiences. Daddy died in his recliner smelling an apple pie I was making for him; Mama died with me and my sister literally in the bed with her, encouraging her last breaths like delivery room coaches. They, and my husband, sister, and I, wouldn't have had it any other way. No ghosts in the house, just happiness and forever love.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 7, 2019
goddess,

A lot of people are quite comfortable with dealing with deaths, yet I respect that it isn’t for everyone. Thanks for responding.
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I drowned when I was fifteen. (Obviously recovered.) I was in the water drowning and simultaneously bubbling up out of my body, into the air. When I began to go into my "death agonies", my soul body (really, I had taken on my form, but lit with colored light and swirling colors, such joy and freedom!...) watched floating from about fifty feet above. "Hey, that's me! That's my hair floating on the water's surface." - Remember this if you watch loved one's suffering in last moments. You literally "split". although your family only sees you dying.

Anyway, "Near Death Experiences - NDE's" (hate that expression) are referred to as "the cutting of the coil" in ancient Greek writings. (Think of the umbilical cord!) Your earthly body is just a house for your soul and when you leave it, your "incorporeal" body goes to God! You will see your deceased loved ones (many presenting in their younger selves, and others - like childhood friends, - I even saw quiet people in "old-fashioned" Greek dress, quietly standing by. - My ancestors? It's all love. This is the Big Truth: Every question you ever had is answered. All weight and hardship from life ceases to exist. You feel unchained. You are home.
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polarbear Mar 8, 2019
puffbucket - that was beautiful and uplifting. Thanks for sharing.
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My father died here...and mom is on hospice now. Having been through one and coming into another. I have zero fear about it. First, hospice is amazing...they make all the difficult parts easy. As for after, I have had nothing but comfort and warm feelings about dad passing here. No spirits, selling the house. None of that. In fact I stayed in his room the following night to feel close...and it was warm and loving feeling.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 7, 2019
John,

Sounds like you had a warm and loving relationship. Beautiful experience. Thanks for responding.
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I am taking care of my mom at home right now. I have her here
so she can die at home. I have no fear of it. To experience someone’s death is comforting in a odd sort of way. She was with me as I began my life and I am happy to be with her as she leaves hers. I have time to just sit with her and reflect on life both good and bad. Her mind isn’t with me any longer which makes me miss her already. She is 85 and dying of liver failure. Nancy
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 7, 2019
Fleetlady,

What a beautiful outlook. Don’t you wish there was no suffering, just a date that we stopped breathing? Doesn’t usually work out that way. Just daydreaming...
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