I am the difficult neighbor, I am the difficult employee, I am the difficult family member. I hate my life and I hate myself nowadays.

My older sister moved out of state 40 years ago. My older brother moved out of state 35 years ago. When Mom got older and had physical problems, I moved back, both for her and for my child who needed a home to start adulthood in (I was in the Army then).

I have a job that asks for 150% effort due to Federal government deadlines. Mom can't walk well and a physical therapist is beginning to come to our home twice a week. My 21-year-old grandson moved in with us, and frankly, he's pretty much useless around the house and home. I'm tired. I'm tired of having to unpack gifts from brother and sister to my Mom and having to bag them, wrap them, or put them in a vase and water. I'm tired of having to buy all the groceries. I'm tired of nobody giving me suggestions for what to make or buy for dinner. I'm tired of working for a thankless government job. I'm tired of Mom asking me to buy and pack gifts for her out-of-state children, of her insisting I find the right storage container, making dinner her way, hearing her complain of her minor aches and pains. I have lost all my friends and any kind of social life at all.

And really, it has come to the point that I just about hate everybody. I feel like I am going crazy,

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You will find as you search this site that there are many of us that feel the same. I was astonished that there were others going through the same crap with a parent. I blew up today, I hate it when I do but my mom has always treated me like crap & here I am 70 years of age & she continues. She’s in my home & I don’t cook right, clean right, etc & I’m so exhausted. I take her places & she complains constantly, never mind that I have to physically life her into the car. She’s so selfish!! So, I understand. Mom never planned for retirement, she got fired at 56 & never went back to work so she’s had a “retirement” since 56. I retired at 65 & still waiting to have mine. She will kill me first!
I applied for Medicaid for her, she will be going to a nursing home probably within 30 days. I don’t feel guilty anymore. Something to think about. You owe yourself a life!! If no one around you is helping, they can go too!! Be kind to yourself. Stay on this site, you will have a lot of support.
Helpful Answer (19)

Okay. First. Please find a professional to talk to. If you can.

Or just keep posting here. Really, just keep posting.

As far as hating yourself, and your life, and everyone else?

You are not going crazy. And, admitting to feeling "hate" is just fine.

I feel the same way sometimes.

Please, understand. It may be your nature to believe that if you try hard enough then you can solve all problems, and that if you run into insurmountable roadblocks, you feel you failed.

It's all based on lack of control. Lack of being able to make things happen and get past incompetent people.

I have had increasing self-loathing since my mother became very ill and now is in a nursing home.

I think I understand what you are asking.

It probably feels like hate, but maybe it's extreme frustration from not being able to control what's happening, and feeling as if you should be able to make it all better, or at least not worse.

My totally uneducated guess is that you worked very hard on your education and getting a job you liked, and some point, family issues came in like an asteroid and blew up your world.

And, that's okay. It happens to a lot of us.

I'm really not trying to diminish your concerns. I have to take my mother to outside doctor appointments in a wheelchair with oxygen attached, and a secondary rolling oxygen tank. Not exactly physically easy.

Every time, when I can't handle the wheelchair and get a doctors' office door open or bump her into a wall, I say.....because there are always people there.... "I am sorry, I really suck at this." I don't know why I say that, because mostly people try to help me. But, I feel as if should be able to handle it on my own, and I feel like a failure when I cannot.

That's....I think...maybe....what you are feeling. It feels like self-loathing, and maybe it is, at the time.....but it's really being overwhelmed with being asked to do what we cannot do, on our own, and not being used to failing......not being used to being not in control.

I think that I understand. And, I'm just a regular person.

Keep posting.
Helpful Answer (16)
Forgotten2 May 2019
Thank you, Daughter1954. You described a lot of my feelings so well: not being in control is devastating for me. I have always been a "I can do that" type, and challenges used to be welcome. I felt such accomplishment when I achieved anything at all. And now, I feel like I am accomplishing nothing. You are right, I have always wanted to "fix" everything by being proactive and unafraid. I am finally learning I can't fix it all. For me, that is a hard lesson. I know so many of us on this forum are going through many of the same problems and the same frustrations. Thank you for putting so much of "me" in perspective. I think you are more than a "regular" person, though. Your insight has helped me today very much.
"I am caring for my mother, living in my home with mobility problems." That's why you are burning yourself out? Because your mother has mobility problems?? To me that doesn't sound like a good enough reason to be trying so hard to please her especially not when the result is that you hate yourself!

Your grandson is 21. He's sort of supposed to be borderline useless. Does he have a full-time job? In addition to being gainfully employed, grandsonny boy must learn to become a man. Whose teaching him how to do that? Whose his role model??

Getting back to your mother. Recognize that the more you enable her to not do things for herself, the more you are disabling her. Of course you're tired. You're acting like her personal assistant. And that's a full-time job on top of the full-time job you have with the government, which provides you with good benefits and retirement? If you want to reach and enjoy retirement, stop forgetting about yourself, Forgotten, and *decide* to put yourself first for a change.

Stop asking for suggestions for meals. Cook what you want. If the others don't like it, they can learn to do for themselves.

Stop buying groceries for everyone. Buy what you need. If the others want groceries they can learn to do for themselves. Most grocery stores have online ordering and delivery.

Stop acting like the USPS. Your mother has plenty of time on her hands and so I don't understand why you're doing these things for her.

Stop being her personal shopper. Can she use a computer to browse online retailers? If not, there are a *ridiculous* number of catalogs she can browse for gifts and have them shipped to her out-of-state-children.

Stop finding containers. Show her the website to the Container Store, where she can find the right container for every single purpose. If they don't have it, it probably doesn't exist.

I know this may seem as though I'm making light of your situation but really I'm not. Your situation sounds to me like it's exhausting. You may be asking yourself "How the heck did I get here"?? You're wondering if someone will understand. And I do understand, along with so many other people on this forum.

I also know that the longest journey begins with a single step. Your journey to remembering who you are, what you want, and how you want to live your life begins with a single step: doing something good for yourself. And today, that may have been asking your question on this forum, where you will get lots of support.

I am not the kind of person who wants to be admired and applauded. Caregiving to the point that you have reached, is unhealthy and, in my opinion, that is nothing to admire or applaud.

As 1954 wrote - "keep posting". You are not alone. We care.
Helpful Answer (15)
Stephanie4181 May 2019
I know that's right girl! I'd cook whatever I wanted, they'd be lucky if I cooked at all. And that grandson would start pitchin in, or I'd pitch him out. Period. Don't let ppl use u as a doormat! I used to let ppl walk all over me and I hated myself, always felt like crap.
I know exactly how you feel. I am tired of the demands, negativity and manipulation. My husband and his sister decided 10 yrs ago his parents would come and live with us. I told them no but they promised to be here every day to take care of them. That lasted 4 months then they promptly left the state. My husband has had heart issues for 12+ years so I ended up being the one to pick his parents of the floor. Etc.. anyway lots of details you don’t need to be burdened with.

I decided I wasn’t going to be treated that way anymore. I push back big time now and they think I am being mean. I told them if they are not going to be positive and part of the solution I don’t want to hear it? Those that are able can wash there own cloths. I made a list and stuck it on the fridge. I would find someone to go have coffee with but after 10yrs of care giving I don’t have a list of people I can call. So I go on my own. It is very hard and lonely and frustrating but I want you to know that you are not alone.

Contact department of aging and ask ask them for help. They can arrange for someone to come in and help to give you a break. They can also arrange for care so you can have a vacation even if it is a stay vacation. They have been a lifesaver for me.

and I just want to say thank you for your service.
Helpful Answer (15)

You can start appreciating yourself more right now.
You have performed all these duties to the extent that you may have burnout.
You need to stop, and save yourself first.
Helpful Answer (13)

I think you're under a lot of pressure, (from different areas), which generated some anger & disappointment. Life is messy, & being unable to get things done 'perfectly' has been a problem for me, (& maybe you 2). Can you let things slide more, do only the things that really matter to you, & check around for some helpers who could maybe clean? (I agree with other repliers; that you're not obligated to handle those postal duties: with stupid gifts ect). Just put it aside, & if it builds up, too bad. (Stay RELAXED if your family asks about the gifts), & say: "I haven't gotten to it yet, lots to do". (((No debate))). You're being too demanding of yourself, but maybe that's normal for military folks, idk. Just my opinion, & I'm Hoping the best 4u.
Helpful Answer (12)

Trying to be perfect is a perfect recipe for hating yourself.

Don't try to do things perfectly. You'll always fail. Do the best you can and let the chips or packages or recipes or whatever you are trying to do perfect fall where they may.

I know of what I speak. I've always been a perfectionist. I think I inherited that quality from my Mom who I took care of imperfectly. In the end, all you can do is the best you can.

Like that old stupid saying goes. Don't hate the player, hate the game. In this case you are the player( in case that didn't go without saying. )
Helpful Answer (11)
Forgotten2 May 2019
I love your inspirational quote! "Don't hate the player, hate the game." Yes, I can work on that and maybe stop hating everybody. We are all on this crazy ride together, right? I really do love that quote. I plan to print that out and put little signs in my bedroom and bathroom to remind myself. Thank you so much.
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It isn’t clear from your question just how capable your mother is now. Some of the responses assume that you are doing things that she is quite able to do herself. If that’s the situation, stop. But I doubt if it is.

I also doubt if your brother and sister know how you feel about the ‘presents’. They probably don’t have a clue, because they wouldn’t be sending them if they knew how you feel. One step you could take is to let them know. Perhaps you could write something along the lines of this: ‘I was talking to someone I met about how mother likes most of your presents, but how they have turned into a real problem for me... particularly when she insists that I organise presents for her to send in return. The suggestion I got was that I should really explain it to you, so I am going to try. Please don’t be offended, but it’s like this….”. Include suggestions for some other things they could do, including phoning at agreed times that you think would be good, and also something that you would enjoy too – for example paying for a take-out delivered dinner from the best joint in town.

With luck they will respond helpfully. Don’t send the first draft you write, and keep it nice. With even better luck they might be more understanding of how this is working out for you, and find other ways to be supportive.

There is no way to make this problem (or the trials in your job) go away completely, but try to chip away at difficult bits if you can. Little wins can be a real boost.
Helpful Answer (11)
Harpcat May 2019
Your answer was great! I hope she takes your advice. This madness needs to stop and get under control!!
You can ask the family to send Amazon gift cards, Uber gift cards, etc. which will allow shopping online, say because you need some groceries delivered. However, your gifts have been welcomed by mother, and very generous.

Everyone will save time and money changing this tradition of gift giving.

There is no need to explain how hard it is on you. It leaves you open to criticism if any in your family are narcissists.
Helpful Answer (10)

To the title question, yes. I am there and understand where you are coming from. Just in a different way. Before I had to start caretaking for my father and stepmother, I was an awesome freaking mom to my four kids. Chores got done, kids got ran around to their stuff, holidays were just...more. 5 years into caretaking, with stepmother having passed a couple years ago and my father now in a care home, I stepped back from caregiving and thought things could go back to normal. Instead I've spent the better part of 6 months trying to recover. I'm not the mom to my kids I once was. I can barely get out of the house to grocery shop, laundry is a monster task, and I loathe when kids tell me about something they need to go to. I hate this about myself. Especially now that my oldest will be graduating high school and enlisting in the military next year. So much to try to do, yet I can't bring myself to do more that real bare minimum. I want to be that awesome mom again, but my dad drained everything out of me. I've been seeing a counselor who is helping me understand the recovery process for extreme caregiver burnout with shades of abuse that was heaped upon me. I really hope you can find some help too, and try to be patient with yourself. You're doing your best with the circumstances you have.
Helpful Answer (10)
KatPie May 2019
I feel you. My 89 year old mother had a stoke last summer and is bedridden. She's been home with me (her house) since end of October. I worked full time and was in school full time. Now that classes have ended I have more time, but zero energy or ambition. It takes me a full week or two to work up to cooking a meal for myself. I pray a lot (not enough, for sure) for the rage and resentment to subside (they have but not entirely) and for her to move on before classes resume in the fall. I wish you the best. You ARE awesome.
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