My father went into a care home at the beginning of the pandemic and we all know how difficult that was for our loved ones. Having been an active member of the community and a volunteer for many clubs and associations for the previous 17 years, he was completely cut off by nearly all of his ‘friends’. Once restrictions began to ease, I emailed them to provide details of Dad's condition, how they could visit, etc., but in over 2 years he has had only 1 friend visit him or offer to take him out (except for myself and my brother). For most people, it would be a 30 minute trip there and back. I have tried to ascertain the reasons. Someone told me “out of sight, out of mind,” another one, “I don’t go that way often,” and one friend was brutally honest saying, “many people our age don’t want to be reminded of where we might end up!” i.e Care Home. He is now on end of life pathway, which, of course, is very emotional for me.
So my question is this - should I give them all the opportunity to pitch up at his funeral and have a jolly get together afterwards when they couldn’t be bothered to offer friendship in his hour of need? Or, should I arrange a private funeral and only invite those who have been supportive? I feel quite angry about this, but I don’t know if I’m just too emotionally involved? Honest answers please! I can take it!
I am 72 and will not enter a Nursing home. COVID is still out there and we have no idea we have contracted it until we have symptoms. By that time we have infected other people. The excuse “many people our age don’t want to be reminded of where we might end up!” is a good one. No matter how nice, NHs are depressing.
Really, you can't keep people away from the service. Going to the graveside can be private. You can ask ahead those you would like to be there. Same with the luncheon, you invite who you want. I called those I knew were attending and others I invited during the viewing as they paid their respects.
I was mad at Moms Church and the Minister who felt he did not need to visit parishioners that were homebound. My mother was on committees, did funeral luncheons, and large dinners. The minister had been with us almost 20 yrs. Those who she had gone places with and she considered friends rarely visited if at all. Maybe because it was my home? When Mom passed I had a family friend do her service. Luncheon was invitation only.
The volunteering was was not ‘work’, but providing entertainment for others, organising trips, chairing meetings - he was the most entertaining speech maker. He went to the pub with friends every Thursday, drove friends to hospital appointments and took a few female friends on holidays, theatre trips and meals - he was very generous. This is why it hurts me, to know that he would’ve been there for them and really, as a daughter, I’m not the best day in day out company for an 81 year old man. He wanted to go to the pub with friends. He hated being on his own since my Mum died. I took him to a friends funeral a couple of months ago, he said he had a lovely day because he was able to see and talk to his buddies. But they haven’t been in touch since, When their hour of need comes, I wonder how they will feel when everyone stops calling? Loneliness is a killer for old people. I do think they should be ashamed - it takes very little to show kindness, Care homes are as protected as they can be having all had vaccinations. Initially visiting only through windows standing outside, then pods with glass dividers so no touch allowed, isolating residents after hospital stays for 10 days and regular testing - they couldn’t be anymore protected. The loneliness was terrible for them and they couldn’t understand why it was happening. Can you imagine. My Dad was trying to escape, would pay anyone to take him out. It’s not about me feeling sorry for myself and not understanding what it likes to get old as some on here have said. I’ve seen it and I was only thinking of Dad when I was asking them to consider visiting him. I am floored by their lack of compassion.
May your grief journey begin to move forward.
take care x
I will tell you honestly that people who were once "friends" for me, were lost contact with over time when our paths diverged, when we weren't doing the same things, going the same places, working at the same place, or when we moved a bit farther away. It was gradual, and eventually it just "happened" and they were down to Christmas Card contacts.
If there were mental changes for your Dad, then he wasn't the same person they "knew". Family sticks through that, but even for family it isn't easy, and they don't often stick well.
We are what we are and most of us have human limitations. We all know the "special people" in our lives, and can treasure them, and forgive the others, at best.
I am so very sorry for your having to bear witness to your Dad's decline and that it hurt the more to see his loss of his friends, and sorry for your coming loss. Your Dad was lucky to have YOU, and I bet toward the end YOU were the most of what he wanted. For my own parents, toward the end, friends could be a "burden" in all honesty, making them feel their own deficits, that they couldn't "do for them" when they visited. There was a sort of "discomfort" and I think your Dad's friend had it more right than one would like, that you are sitting with a reminder of what's to come, of what has been lost. As a nurse, I was comfortable with the stages of life as my entire life was bearing witness to them, but that isn't so for everyone.
Yours is such an interesting question.
Let people know you are having a service but just the funeral no food or anything afterwards. That is common now. It's not your job to entertain or host people after a funeral.
Although she would absolutely light up when she would get occasional visitor, she endured struggles largely on her own. I was glad to be there for her, felt sorry to be the best she had. I see the same kind of future in my life, I an only hope to have her strength.
I can completely understand both of the options, please consider your loved ones wishes. Don’t be surprised if they would forgive the negligence. I would also caution that no one ever regretted someone attending the funeral of a loved one, but they will forever regretful of those who weren’t able to attend.
It would be so great not to be in this situation, if only people would know the wonderful joy they can give another person by spending a little time.
Your dad's friends are seniors. Most likely their health has declined much in the last 2 years due to social isolation.
The reasons that some of his friends gave you are all good reasons. Put yourself in their shoes. If you were an elderly person whose physical and mental health, and memory are slipping. If you didn't see your friends for 2 years, you would probably not think about or remember them.
As for the "I don't go that way often" reason, most elderly don't go anywhere often anymore. The elderly people that I know avoid going out except to medical appointments.
Your dad's friends didn't stop visiting due to any bad intentions on their part. It's just how (COVID) life is. Change is constant. Be grateful they cared about ypur dad enough to visit him regularly prior to COVID. Many people don't have any visitors.
As for inviting them to dad's funeral, I would extend an invitation, but I wouldn't expect them to come for the same reasons they gave you. Maybe some will come to say good bye and pay respect. Be grateful if they do come because it takes effort for them to get to the funeral and it might be the last time you see them alive.
Our LOs suffered terribly during the pandemic, but the caregivers who loved them have suffered too.
You are entitled to celebrate the love you felt for your father exactly as YOU and your brother wish.
Plan a lovely peaceful reflective gathering to honor your father’s loss, and invite only those whom you believe will sustain your family and give YOU comfort.
You may prefer in the future to forgive those who didn’t honor him appropriately during his later life. ALL Senior adults felt the worries and deprivations of involuntary shut downs, and some of your father’s friend may actually have been afraid to subject themselves to ANY risk of infection.
Forgiveness is sometimes a gift you give to yourself, even as the injured party.
Peace and comfort to you during the difficult moments facing you.