Disappointed with family and friends during my dad's time of need. Does anyone have a view on this?

I can imagine how you feel. Same thing happened to me. I lived the closest and got most of the grief and difficulties that the NH had with Mom and when Mom likewise was difficult with me. My family didn't want to hear about it. Unfortunately, when it came the final week, one of my siblings who refused to visit was the first one that showed up and any time I might have had with Mom when she was on her way out was ruined. They didn't want anything to do with her while she was still alive, but butted into my time left with her. I sometimes wish I'd never have notified them. I needed their support before and they didn't want to hear about it. Why should I have notified them during her final week?

My Daddy went into an assisted living home just before the pandemic hit. Once it hit I was not allowed to enter. Background, I made sure he was in a home close to me and family and friends, 15 minutes total travel time both ways. I saw him three times a day, everyday. I told his friend, good friend, he never visited. I told his children, two out of three visited. Then bam pandemic, I was not allowed in I could not see him, one month later he was in the hospital having his toe amputated because he was not watched very good. Fine, accepted. Two months later after surgery and rehab I had to place him in a different home because the first home did not want to deal with wound care coming in. Bam found a place 30 minutes away and three out of three visited. No friends. Fine accepted. I visited everyday. He got worse his Alz got the better of him and when he could not get out of bed anymore I had him brought home. People who wanted to visit the five days he was there were welcome. I knew that people had schedules and could not visit that long way away. I also knew that I wanted him in his home to graduate. I wanted to be right there the same I was with my Mama. No one visited my mother when she was sick either. There were over 100 at her funeral even her bestest friend who had MS. At my Daddys there would have been more had he not died during the pandemic but I know in my heart his friends loved him and he loved his friends. Just know people are not going to drive 30 minutes for a 15 minute visit when people have dementia or Alz because of the issues with those diseases. You don't need a big ol' reception after. I had a small one at the house and if they came they came if they didn't fine.
hugs and prayers

I believe I get the spirit in which you're asking this question. My mom now lives with me and she's fully cognizant but most of her friends have also lost touch with her. She's called them two or three times and they never call her back (some are friends for over 40 years and in a good healthy condition). They seem very happy when she calls and they talk for a long time, but they never call her. People who have promised to come see her or call don't and she's always very disappointed and I'm sure she's hurt. And I can understand that. You simply want him to be happy and feel that others care about him because you're right there and he's your dad.

I try to remind mom that everyone has so much going on these days. They are not sitting in a room watching tv as she is and ostensibly have hours and hours to think while alone, but have grandchildren coming and going, going on vacations and just have the normal stresses and concerns of every day life, COVID, etc. I tell her that I'm sure they care about her but that life has a way of getting away from you and the best intentions are soon honestly forgotten or put off. I tell myself that as well and my therapist has often said not to have expectations of others (although I admit I do with my siblings who never help and go out of their way, seemingly, to cause trouble which is a whole different story. I was told they WOULD help at least one day a week two years ago when I took this on and none of that has happened but they do constantly have time to complain). But I digress . . .

Anyway, I think that that is just the way of life. I would ask your father's friends to any services when it comes to that, as you don't really know what's in their hearts. My own mother cannot deal sometimes with talking to my elderly aunt on the phone when she is "out of it" as it makes her very sad and afraid for my aunt and herself. And she means no harm by it but tries her best. She gets carsick in a car for more than a 10 minute ride, and is embarrassed by having accidents. All of these can also play into your dad's friends situations, as an example.

I know you wish better for him and that in this time he is surrounded by those that he loved and that they would confirm he is cared about. You believe it would help you both feel better and want your father to have known he was loved and cherished. I'm sure he does because he has you there worrying for him. But all you can really do is the best you can yourself do. I am learning that more and more and trying to let go the frustration I feel with my own family. You can only live your life and do the things you think are right and your conscience tells you to do. And the others have to do what theirs tell them. And somehow make peace with that. I would let them come to the services and find their own peace with the situation as well. Best wishes . . .

"...what I’m saying is that it’s all one sided and only happens if I am involved..."

It's all one sided? Really? Let's see.

"I took him to the pub for a lunch gathering once."
Your dad attended, so did his friends. Everyone put in the effort. How was it ONE sided? Say, if you and some friends of yours met up for lunch somewhere. After that, you think each of one of them now owes you a visit because you showed up? Didn't they show up, too? How about you owe each of them a visit because they showed up?

"I took him to the funeral of a close friend just 3 months ago."
Well, I hate to agree, but yes, this is one sided as the dead friend can't get up and go visit your dad even if he wanted to. But for you to expect a reciprocal gesture is too funny.

"I wrote on 3 occasions to friends asking them to visit as he was lonely."
How is this even a 'side'? You wrote, and you requested.. Neither you or your dad visited them or did anything FOR them. You just wrote and requested something FROM them.

You said you have softened your thoughts towards his friends. Hmmm..., I think your thoughts are still VERY UNREASONABLE.

Not to be all harsh and no compassion, It is very evident that you love your dad a great deal and all you can think about is him and how to lessen his suffering. You are a good daughter.

You said you are looking for a reality check and are wondering if your anger is misplaced. Yes, you need a reality check. Yes, your distress is making you angry at innocent old people who honestly owe you nothing, and probably are facing many struggles themselves. Your father’s status is paramount to you and him, of course, but is secondary to everyone else, and that is the way it goes in life.

You said “…in over 2 years he has had only 1 friend visit him or offer to take him out…”

You are expecting great kindness and personalized attention from all your dad’s previous friends and acquaintances, forgetting that they too are facing getting old and frail and in ill health, or no longer drive, or don’t have money to squander on fuel and bringing a gift when visiting (yes, older people still adhere to fine manners such as bringing a gift when visiting, and the older friends might be in straightened circumstances and feel unable to visit)

Don’t forget to extend all of your own efforts to be a good friend to the one acquaintance who tried to stay friendly with your dad. You expect big things from the elderly others, so you should be a generous person and extend all that (and more) to the one old friend who actually DID show up. Are you being a solicitous friend to that person? If not, why not?

You quoted “do unto others”. I think a number of us reading here are keen to hear what you’ve been doing for all the other frail elderly people who you are expecting to step up for your father. 

I also read with exasperation that you give your brother “a pass” on not visiting your dad very often. You said he “doesn’t do his share. But he has Asperger’s and changing his plans and reading other peoples emotions doesn’t feature in his life.” That is laughable. Why is your brother’s status given slack and a pass by you AND HE IS A BLOOD RELATIVE, and you don’t give a pass to elderly people who aren’t related?

I'm sorry this is harsh, but I hope it will help you take a step back on lashing out at basically your father’s entire previous world.

May I gently suggest that while you have received responses from them that don't sit well with you - you still may not know the real reason why they didn't visit. I'm a firm believer in "you don't really know what is happening in another person's life unless you are living it". They may be telling you "out of sight, out of mind" but they may be living something else very private in their own health that they don't want to share. Same with "I don't go that way often". That could also be code for "I just can't handle seeing him there" because it reminds them that they could end up in a care home too.

My grandmother is a big fan of complaining that her friends never call her. "I'm a widow and they never call me". What she forgets is that all of her friends are also widows and she never calls them either. I recognize this isn't your situation, but I guess my point is that often friendships can just naturally start to dwindle as we age unless tons of effort is put into them because of everyone's own personal situation.

My best advice is to do your best to let the anger go. These same people may not be able to get to a funeral either. They may not physically be able to come, or may be worried about COVID exposure. Or may not be able to face it. Or a myriad of reasons. This isn't a measure of your father. Or you. Or even of them. It's just life. If you want to have a funeral, have a funeral. If they show up, recognize that they showed up and respect that. They are there to show respect to and honor your father just as you are.

You ask if you are too emotionally involved - of course you are - and that's perfectly natural - this is your father you are talking about and you are hurt that they haven't visited. BUT, I suggest that you take a deep breath and recognize that they may have their own reasons that you may never know and try to let it go. But I wouldn't try to block them from a funeral just to prove something. If you WANT a private funeral, that is what you should do. If you WANT a regular funeral that is what you should do. Don't let your anger drive this. End of Life planning and grief do funny things to people and you don't want to look back and regret that you did certain things out of anger because you didn't feel that his friends did the right thing in the midst of a global pandemic when they may have had things going on that you didn't know anything about (or maybe they don't - but that isn't what matters - even if they don't - they have their reasons).

It is important if for no other reason that you let go of the anger you are feeling and deal with your grief in regards to your father. His friends have to deal with their own grief and any missteps they may or may not have taken along the way. But don't let this eat you up, there isn't any reason to focus on it.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to my post. I have softened my thoughts towards those that haven’t shown friendship. I am supported by those of you that say the funeral is for the living and to do what I feel will be right for me. There is not one solution that fits all sides, but I have solution that feels right. The funeral will be held back in his birth town, where his school best friend, brother, nieces, nephews, and my godparents still live. It won’t be a private funeral, everyone is welcome, but I don’t expect the friends who wouldn’t/couldn’t visit him in the Care Home to come. The place I have chosen is where he has requested for his final resting place for his ashes - where my mothers ashes were scattered. He will be going home. X

You will be disappointed if you expect certain family or friends to be at hand when someone is ill, esp if the LO is terminally ill. Many people are afraid or in denial and they cannot cope emotionally with the reality of the illness.

It seems like excluding friends or family who disappointed you just perpetuates your anger. You won't do well if you invite people under duress, but if you can open your heart to anyone who loves your brother, maybe you can invite them without resentment.

Memorial services and funerals are not for the dead; they are for the living. Plan on a service that is special for you and his other loved ones. Do whatever will be most meaningful for you and them. The goal is to celebrate his life and find peace in loving memories.

What would your father want in the way of funeral? Go that route. It's the last thing that you will do (as he wished) for him.

The friends his age may not get out much. Got used to avoiding crowds. Hard to see their own demise. Many don't even go to the funerals. Call his dear friends and let them know when it is, then splinter the group if you still have negative feelings - service and private lunch burial for the family.

You are emotional because he's your dad. I would want his friends to be there for him and emotionally invested like me, but may not be that way for the friends. Let it go. Give him your best and that's all you can really do.

LiloLil: Imho, you should include these individuals when the time comes. If you weren't to include them, you may regret it as perchance, they really meant no harm.

Oh, dear, nursing home visits are the saddest. You see the real “end” and no one wants to face it ahead of time. Perhaps taking your father out for short visits to his friends’ home or meeting them for lunch would be more cheerful on him as well as on them. The nursing home environment can be depressing but maybe an outside environment can make the visits more pleasant.

If the shoe was on the other foot do you think dad would go visit his friends in the nursing home? Probably not.

Hello and I would only invite those who have been supportive. Perhaps it was difficult to visit for various reasons,but did these people even communicate with you or show concern via an e-mail or call? Were you the one always reaching out to them? If they made little to no attempt in any form ,I would not invite them. You may likely be hurt again when they fall short at a time when you are very vulnerable. Remember the world is full of beautiful people who will share your values and reciprocate concern. I say this because I am going through something similar and with "family",and I remind myself the same things. We go through life seperating the wheat from the chaff. Hope this help you in your journey! (This forum has personally been a g#d send for me.)

@LiloLil, I might have a pretty good solution here.

Firstly, don’t take offense at what I write, but you are expecting things that your dear father’s old-time friends are obviously unable to give, such as driving to visit and socialize with him in person. That is a monumental hill for them to climb (metaphorically) after which they would struggle to entertain an ill man with dementia. 

You said your dad couldn’t follow the conversation on Zoom calls. I imagine it wouldn’t be too easy on the elderly friends to try to keep a conversation rolling with your dad.

Therefore I propose that you write personally to each of your dad’s old buddies, and include a sheet of paper and a self-addressed, stamped envelope*. Explain to each old friend what you explained to us, that dad is lonely, nearing the end of his life, and is remembering his old friends fondly. Ask each friend to write a letter or note to your dad which you can read to him. Recommend topics such as “my fondest memory of a great time with dad” or “the time I laughed the loudest at dad’s antics” or “the biggest scrape we got into together” or whatever topics you think will spur the old friends to write.

Make clear to each old friend that dad is nearing the end of his long, fruitful, wonderful life and that “funeral will be for family and close friends only”. Then any oldster who really will want to attend a future funeral can contact you to make clear that he or she would be honored to attend the funeral. The others who might like to, but are too physically frail themselves, will feel relieved to be off the hook and not expected to appear at a funeral, no matter how much they loved your dad. 

And it sounds like your dad really is lovable! 

—————————————————
* I recommend you enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope and paper to make it easy on the friends. Old people are trying to downsize and probably years ago got rid of letter paper, plus writing may be easier for the elderly to do than to phone and not be able to themselves hear or understand. Rather than an ephemeral phone call, you will have beautiful written fond memories to read to your dad, and to keep and comfort you.

Many people are afraid to go to nursing homes or care facilities. People feel awkward and don't know what to say or do and would prefer to remember him like he was. Don't be too hard on them. I feel like a "mental" illness is different than a physical one. They aren't the same person. That makes people uncomfortable.

I am a very private person and would not want my friends coming to see me when I am not in control of my faculties. I know that may seem odd to some, but that is how I feel.

My mom has dementia and is in memory care. Her brothers live here in town and do not go to see her. If I pick her up and host something at my home, one of them might come for a short visit, but other than that, they don't go see her. Prior to my moms diagnosis, I had never been around someone with dementia. It can be unsettling to people....you never know who she thinks you are or what is going to come out of her mouth.

Don't take the actions of your dads friends personally. When your dad passes, post his funeral and let those who want to pay their respects come.

I would do what your father wants. If he doesn't want a service, then don't have one or have only only for family. If he wants a service, then have one. Keep in mind that the cost of a service is dependent on the size, so if you or he can't afford one, that will give you your answer. Even for a cremation and a pre-paid plot, cost will be several thousand dollars even without a service.
Sadly, illness has a way of letting you know who your true friends are. However, you might reach out to them to let them know he is at the end of his life and if they want to see him again, they better do it quick or it might be too late. If they show up, then maybe a service and/or get together might be an option.
For the ones who say they don't want to be reminded of where they might end up, perhaps you can arrange a video call with them.

Sorry for the hard time you are going through. I think it is VERY common for people to not want to be involved with someone sick, etc. Their reasons may seem unimportant to you, who wishes people would step up to the plate and visit and help your LO pass the time, etc. I do understand how annoying it is, but on another level, they have a right to do what they are comfortable with. You have a right to be hurt or angry - but it might serve everyone better if you took a deep breath and accept how these people behaved. While they did not live up to your expectations or wishes, it does not mean they are bad people and that their neglect was malicious.

The choice of how to arrange the funeral is, of course, up to you. Do what you feel good about and don't look back.

My opinion is that people do what they can do. To expect more of those who are not intimately connected as you and your brother are is unfair. Sure, it's a disappointment, but you don't have the right to expect anything from others.


Many people are acutely uncomfortable visiting nursing homes and hospitals. My mother was one of those, because it triggered something in her from her own mother's death at a relatively young age. Frankly, I was shocked when she and my dad showed up at the hospital when my first child was born, but she did not visit people in nursing homes and hospitals otherwise. She just couldn't.

When she herself was in a nursing home, she was visited by some people from her church whose job it was to visit and by a couple of friends in the first month or so, but then they trickled off. Even though she was still in the general vicinity of her home, I realized that for people her age, just getting one thing accomplished in a day was a big deal. Sometimes it was going to a doctor's appointment or going to the grocery store, so going to visit someone was really beyond their ability. My dad was a very healthy guy, but even for him at that same age (mid-late 80s) one thing knocked of the checklist per day was about it.

My mother outlived most of her friends, and those who were still alive weren't able to get to her funeral, plus it was during Covid, so I don't really know how many would have attended. We had a total of about 30 people there, and a good half were family, but we really appreciated those who did attend. Yes, I wish more people had been attentive to Mom during the years she was failing, but she also had dementia, and people don't know how to handle that either.

My dad, on the other hand, when given his terminal diagnosis, immediately got on the phone to his friends to tell THEM how much they'd meant to him. He had a steady stream of visitors in the six weeks between his diagnosis and his death, and there were 350 people at his funeral. We were astounded at the love and support we received.

It's up to you whether to have a private funeral or not, but I think having one just to give the middle finger to your dad's friends is petty and vindictive. Don't be so judgmental of others, though. As I said, people do what they can do. Leave it at that.

I've been contemplating your question for a bit, so here goes.

I found a lot of my mom's friends, who hadn't "been there" so to speak while she had been so ill offered me much comfort at her funeral. The cried with me, they laughed with me, they regaled me with stories about her - some that I knew, some that I didn't - and I was truly glad they took the time to come to her funeral. So if you "ban" some of your dad's compatriots, you might be "missing out" on that aspect at his funeral. Now, only you can decide if the possibility of their being able to comfort you in the future outweighs your bitterness at their treatment of your dad now. It's your decision, and I can't say one is right and the other wrong; it's going to have to be based entirely on how you're doing, emotionally.

Not that I am trying to make excuses for your dad's friends' behaviors, but I have found that the influx of social media has impacted so much in how we communicate with each other and the world. I have been "left out of the loop" so to speak, about friends' lives and families' lives because I refuse to engage in Facebook. I can't be angry at my friends if I'm "left out", because I know that's how much of the world communicates now. If I choose to not engage, then it's on me if I don't get information. As long as I'm not getting "blamed" by my friends for not knowing what's going on when they know I don't "do" Facebook, I'm ok with the balance I've struck. It seems to me that people have accepted social media as a substitute for phone calls, visits, etc. And I've seen just as many elderly people use it as a substitute as I've seen younger people do so.

The last bit of advice I'll give is that funerals are for the living, not the dead. You do what gives you and the rest of your family the most comfort, and don't worry about what anyone else's opinion on the matter is.

LiloLil and Fawnby, sorry for the mixup!

@notgoodenough No, of course I wouldn’t exclude my brother, He has been supportive and he cares about Dad, he just doesn’t do his share. But he has Asperger’s and changing his plans and reading other peoples emotions doesn’t feature in his life.

Private funeral. It is almost insulting that people would come to his funeral, but did not visit when he was alive. Honor your father...with real, heartfelt love from the people who were there for him. I do understand how even family can ignore one in need. I cared for my older sister, almost singlehandedly, except at the end, when people came to collect up her stuff...'er I mean say goodbye. My deepest condolences on the loss of your father...

My ex-husband, father of our daughters, chose to go to a NH for the last weeks before he died of cancer. His world was closing down, and I think that visitors would have tired him more – perhaps nice to see their faces, but not a real visit. Only close family and a very close friend visited him there, but a large number came to his funeral – including virtually all the fellow volunteers from his St Vincent de Paul OpShop. Family were glad to see them, and happy to see what good memories they had of him.

I don’t like funerals. To my mind many of the statements are hypocrisy, and I don’t like gush. I’m glad to have missed the gush (I was interstate), but also I’m glad that it was good for many people there. I’m sure that they were happier to reminisce than to see him in distress. And it’s too late for effective payback or anger, even if you think people should have done more.

Have you offered to take dad to meet up with them for coffee or lunch?

Does he ever pick up the phone to call them?

I think ALL relationships that become one-way will dead end.

See what happens by having dad reach out. They may just surprise you.

My mother was involved with church groups, theatre and volunteered. It gave her great joy to be involved, interact with people and do things that she loved. After a serious accident, she had a flood of visitors that slowly became a trickle. This made my Dad so mad that he cut everyone out of their lives and he became the sole provider of mental, physical and emotional support for my mother.

Fast forward many years and they still had few friends when my Dad died and my mother is now in a nursing home. My brother and I are the only ones who have ever visited my mother.

Even if she had a wider circle of friends or had been more involved in the community, I personally wouldn't expect regular visits. Going to a care home or hospice is hard, emotionally and mentally. I also think that she loved being involved, it gave her great joy when she was able to do it and that is what is important. She didn't do it with the expectation that there would be a support group for her, she did it because she wanted to. Even if I, or especially my Dad thought otherwise.

If your father has expressed his wishes for his funeral, honor them. If not, I would do what you think is best based on how he lived his life. I know my mother has lived and loved her life by being involved in her community and I will invite anyone who wants to celebrate that to her funeral.

Fawnby, I'm so sorry for what you are going through now with your dad. There are so many good responses already and from different view points- all valid. Not to make excuses for any of your dad's friends but I think you nailed it exactly when you said that not many people understood how impacted the elderly were by circumstances we all went through. It's that lack of understanding that can prevent some from showing up. If you haven't had a death of a close loved one you don't get how much just showing up is appreciated; if you haven't dealt with a family emergency it doesn't strike you to call your friend in need and ask them what night you can bring dinner. I'm ashamed to think of times I didn't respond to a need then as I would now. My experience with my dad's friends is that many are not comfortable dealing with their own emotions of seeing a friend decline.... They don't know what to say or do and so nothing is done. You can best decide what's best for your family when that time comes. I see funerals as a celebration of the life lived and showing respect to those remaining. When mom died and again when my brother died I got the gift of hearing stories that I had never heard and seeing them through the eyes of others and what they meant to them personally. It truly was priceless to me. You are clearly an empathetic and caring person and likely highly introspective. Sadly many are not. Consider letting those who are falling short now share their love for and memories of your daddy when that day comes. You never know what's behind their lack of connection now. Maybe put out a newsletter to those people now and let them know how much their calls, visits and cards would mean to dad. Hopefully at least some respond. All the best to you!

Seems to me that many 'friends and loved ones' back OFF at the first sign of trouble. Cream rises to the top but so does scum: both visible for all to see clearly. Those that really care step UP and the rest show themselves for the non-caring bunch they truly ARE. It's sad, I know. I ran into a man recently who's become disabled. He told me that ever since he became disabled, people run the other way. Nobody visits him, calls him, or asks what they can do to help him, so he had to hire a caregiver to take him to the store and do various things for him. Everyone else has disappeared. I don't think he was looking for friends and family to take him anywhere, per se, just to call or visit him to spend TIME with him. But that's what happens. Even now that my DH has undergone a liver transplant, I can count on one hand how many times his 5 children have called him during the 7 weeks we were gone. ONE HAND.

We all wind up facing our own mortality many, many times during the course of our lifetimes. Frequently, in fact. Death is part of life, whether we choose to acknowledge it or deny it, whether we're afraid of it or embrace it. Showing respect to a loved one or a friend in THEIR time of need should override our fear or whatever other excuse we may have for not showing up for them, in my opinion. We owe it to them to be there, whether it bothers us or not. If we can show up for weddings and parties, we can show up for illnesses and times of need, too. Fair weather friends aren't real friends at all. Real friends & loved ones are there for the good times AND the bad times, too.

As far as the "Covid" excuse #1,343,399 goes, after a liver transplant & being drastically immuno-compromised for the foreseeable future, my DH was told by the MAYO CLINIC to go on with his regular life; not to sequester himself inside the house & hide, but to simply wear a mask when going out & wash his hands frequently. Moving right along..........

I personally think you should arrange a private funeral and only invite those people you'd like to see in attendance. What's the point in inviting others who haven't cared up until now? Memorialize your father the way YOU want to and in a way that would best help you through a difficult day. When my dad died, he lived in an ALF and I had a gathering in the activities room with desserts, drinks & music from Italy (his birthplace) and anyone who wanted to come (from the ALF) could come. The family was invited separately.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.

Honest answer is I can't see what earthly good it will do your father if you rely on funeral arrangements to put this right, whether you invite the world and his wife or not. I'd go for the small private funeral myself but that's just me. When it comes to it, your father won't care who's there and you will probably be indifferent to it too, having more important things on your mind.

Another reason for not visiting that hasn't been mentioned is that some of these people will have been shielding or semi-shielding themselves and probably weren't keen on visiting potential hotbeds of infection. And, they got out of the habit of going out. It's amazing how many people still aren't back to anything like normal.

Does your Dad want to see anyone special? End of life pathways can be harrowing, but they're less so if you use the time for things he wants to do. If he names individuals, then have no inhibitions about it - you ring them up and ask them to come. Better to ask them *for* something - lunch, a drink, for example - but tell them he wants to see them and make it clear you expect to name a day.

I hear you loud and clear. I have the same problem. We have a large Italian family and almost all of them live in Denver (a few like in Oklahoma, which makes no sense to me. /s)

Dad has always been there for them. He was a tax attorney and CPA. He did their taxes and drew up their estate plans for nothing. He was always there for him. Years ago, they threw a party to show their appreciation for him.

But now no one calls (that I know of) and no one comes to visit. He lives at home. He's sharp, he just can't remember a damn thing and he's very hard of hearing. So a conversation can be a bit of a struggle.

I acknowledge that we've had a pandemic but he wasn't getting visitors before then either. He can have visitors now. Should I put out a group email inviting them to visit? If no one shows up, I plan to snub everyone of them at the funeral. I am half Italian. I believe in vendetta.