Disappointed with family and friends during my dad's time of need. Does anyone have a view on this?

Why shouldn’t you feel “emotionally involved”?

Our LOs suffered terribly during the pandemic, but the caregivers who loved them have suffered too.

You are entitled to celebrate the love you felt for your father exactly as YOU and your brother wish.

Plan a lovely peaceful reflective gathering to honor your father’s loss, and invite only those whom you believe will sustain your family and give YOU comfort.

You may prefer in the future to forgive those who didn’t honor him appropriately during his later life. ALL Senior adults felt the worries and deprivations of involuntary shut downs, and some of your father’s friend may actually have been afraid to subject themselves to ANY risk of infection.

Forgiveness is sometimes a gift you give to yourself, even as the injured party.

Peace and comfort to you during the difficult moments facing you.

Lilolil, I am sorry for your impending loss.

Your dad's friends are seniors. Most likely their health has declined much in the last 2 years due to social isolation.

The reasons that some of his friends gave you are all good reasons. Put yourself in their shoes. If you were an elderly person whose physical and mental health, and memory are slipping. If you didn't see your friends for 2 years, you would probably not think about or remember them.

As for the "I don't go that way often" reason, most elderly don't go anywhere often anymore. The elderly people that I know avoid going out except to medical appointments.

Your dad's friends didn't stop visiting due to any bad intentions on their part. It's just how (COVID) life is. Change is constant. Be grateful they cared about ypur dad enough to visit him regularly prior to COVID. Many people don't have any visitors.

As for inviting them to dad's funeral, I would extend an invitation, but I wouldn't expect them to come for the same reasons they gave you. Maybe some will come to say good bye and pay respect. Be grateful if they do come because it takes effort for them to get to the funeral and it might be the last time you see them alive.

I have struggled with the exact situation in the past, having a sister who passed away after years in a nursing home. I can not tell you how many times my heart would completely break for her, how many times I asked friends and family members to just visit with her, as she loved the company.
Although she would absolutely light up when she would get occasional visitor, she endured struggles largely on her own. I was glad to be there for her, felt sorry to be the best she had. I see the same kind of future in my life, I an only hope to have her strength.
I can completely understand both of the options, please consider your loved ones wishes. Don’t be surprised if they would forgive the negligence. I would also caution that no one ever regretted someone attending the funeral of a loved one, but they will forever regretful of those who weren’t able to attend.
It would be so great not to be in this situation, if only people would know the wonderful joy they can give another person by spending a little time.

I say, don't invite those who weren't there in his hour of need. Don't invite those that make you feel angry, that make you boil up inside. Invite the kind people. Having said all that, try to guess what your father wants. The funeral isn't just for the living: it's what your father would want.

Many people are afraid of death. They don't want to be reminded of the end of life. They will find all kinds of excuses for not visiting some one who is in his lat journey. It doesn't mean they were not his friends. They are just afraid of facing their own mortality. In regard with the funeral, do whatever you wish. You can be generous enough to forgive your father's old friends, or you can shame them by keeping them out of the funeral. Once a person is dead nothing matters anymore.

@fawnby Is it me you’re telling to grow up, move on and think less about myself?

You write that your Dad was a volunteer and active in the community; but how many close friends did he have? I have long been active in organizations and in my community. Now that I am in a wheelchair and fairly homebound I no longer see people from these organizations. The people who visit me are close friends of many years, close neighbors and family.

Do whatever you want. More than likely most of them won't show up for the funeral and then you will feel worse thinking all these people will come to the funeral and many don't.

Let people know you are having a service but just the funeral no food or anything afterwards. That is common now. It's not your job to entertain or host people after a funeral.

Have a funeral service and allow those who wish to come, to come. To be very frank, I don't know people who enjoy going to funerals. Many will be relieved not to have to come. I am certain most you have already lost contact with.
I will tell you honestly that people who were once "friends" for me, were lost contact with over time when our paths diverged, when we weren't doing the same things, going the same places, working at the same place, or when we moved a bit farther away. It was gradual, and eventually it just "happened" and they were down to Christmas Card contacts.
If there were mental changes for your Dad, then he wasn't the same person they "knew". Family sticks through that, but even for family it isn't easy, and they don't often stick well.
We are what we are and most of us have human limitations. We all know the "special people" in our lives, and can treasure them, and forgive the others, at best.
I am so very sorry for your having to bear witness to your Dad's decline and that it hurt the more to see his loss of his friends, and sorry for your coming loss. Your Dad was lucky to have YOU, and I bet toward the end YOU were the most of what he wanted. For my own parents, toward the end, friends could be a "burden" in all honesty, making them feel their own deficits, that they couldn't "do for them" when they visited. There was a sort of "discomfort" and I think your Dad's friend had it more right than one would like, that you are sitting with a reminder of what's to come, of what has been lost. As a nurse, I was comfortable with the stages of life as my entire life was bearing witness to them, but that isn't so for everyone.
Yours is such an interesting question.

My husband was diagnosed with early onset alzheimers when he was 54 , we had several friends that we hung out with. I took care of him for 7 and 1.2 years not one visitor when he went into memory care I was the only who visited he was only there for 3 months (mind you we have three grown children. My middle son wanted a big funeral and I did not I could not look into the the faces of are so called friends and there so called kind words when they had not seen or spoke to him for 8 years , I had him cremated because I did not want anyone to see what had become of him, he had lost so much weight and had aged . It has only been 6 months but I am done with trying to reach out now , when it is to late.

I agree that those people you worked with and volunteered with you are friendly with, but they are not friends. When you leave the job or stop volunteering, you lose touch with them. I may get a Christmas card occasionally that makes me happy that I am remembered.

I am 72 and will not enter a Nursing home. COVID is still out there and we have no idea we have contracted it until we have symptoms. By that time we have infected other people. The excuse “many people our age don’t want to be reminded of where we might end up!” is a good one. No matter how nice, NHs are depressing.

Really, you can't keep people away from the service. Going to the graveside can be private. You can ask ahead those you would like to be there. Same with the luncheon, you invite who you want. I called those I knew were attending and others I invited during the viewing as they paid their respects.

I was mad at Moms Church and the Minister who felt he did not need to visit parishioners that were homebound. My mother was on committees, did funeral luncheons, and large dinners. The minister had been with us almost 20 yrs. Those who she had gone places with and she considered friends rarely visited if at all. Maybe because it was my home? When Mom passed I had a family friend do her service. Luncheon was invitation only.

Sadly I think all of us have gone through this. For me, this was extra painful because these were the people my father would cancel out on time with me so he could go out with them. Once he moved into AL the visits were few and far between. On the other hand, my father was the same way...when he had a friend that was failing he seemed to distance himself from them.

I hear you loud and clear. I have the same problem. We have a large Italian family and almost all of them live in Denver (a few like in Oklahoma, which makes no sense to me. /s)

Dad has always been there for them. He was a tax attorney and CPA. He did their taxes and drew up their estate plans for nothing. He was always there for him. Years ago, they threw a party to show their appreciation for him.

But now no one calls (that I know of) and no one comes to visit. He lives at home. He's sharp, he just can't remember a damn thing and he's very hard of hearing. So a conversation can be a bit of a struggle.

I acknowledge that we've had a pandemic but he wasn't getting visitors before then either. He can have visitors now. Should I put out a group email inviting them to visit? If no one shows up, I plan to snub everyone of them at the funeral. I am half Italian. I believe in vendetta.

Honest answer is I can't see what earthly good it will do your father if you rely on funeral arrangements to put this right, whether you invite the world and his wife or not. I'd go for the small private funeral myself but that's just me. When it comes to it, your father won't care who's there and you will probably be indifferent to it too, having more important things on your mind.

Another reason for not visiting that hasn't been mentioned is that some of these people will have been shielding or semi-shielding themselves and probably weren't keen on visiting potential hotbeds of infection. And, they got out of the habit of going out. It's amazing how many people still aren't back to anything like normal.

Does your Dad want to see anyone special? End of life pathways can be harrowing, but they're less so if you use the time for things he wants to do. If he names individuals, then have no inhibitions about it - you ring them up and ask them to come. Better to ask them *for* something - lunch, a drink, for example - but tell them he wants to see them and make it clear you expect to name a day.

Seems to me that many 'friends and loved ones' back OFF at the first sign of trouble. Cream rises to the top but so does scum: both visible for all to see clearly. Those that really care step UP and the rest show themselves for the non-caring bunch they truly ARE. It's sad, I know. I ran into a man recently who's become disabled. He told me that ever since he became disabled, people run the other way. Nobody visits him, calls him, or asks what they can do to help him, so he had to hire a caregiver to take him to the store and do various things for him. Everyone else has disappeared. I don't think he was looking for friends and family to take him anywhere, per se, just to call or visit him to spend TIME with him. But that's what happens. Even now that my DH has undergone a liver transplant, I can count on one hand how many times his 5 children have called him during the 7 weeks we were gone. ONE HAND.

We all wind up facing our own mortality many, many times during the course of our lifetimes. Frequently, in fact. Death is part of life, whether we choose to acknowledge it or deny it, whether we're afraid of it or embrace it. Showing respect to a loved one or a friend in THEIR time of need should override our fear or whatever other excuse we may have for not showing up for them, in my opinion. We owe it to them to be there, whether it bothers us or not. If we can show up for weddings and parties, we can show up for illnesses and times of need, too. Fair weather friends aren't real friends at all. Real friends & loved ones are there for the good times AND the bad times, too.

As far as the "Covid" excuse #1,343,399 goes, after a liver transplant & being drastically immuno-compromised for the foreseeable future, my DH was told by the MAYO CLINIC to go on with his regular life; not to sequester himself inside the house & hide, but to simply wear a mask when going out & wash his hands frequently. Moving right along..........

I personally think you should arrange a private funeral and only invite those people you'd like to see in attendance. What's the point in inviting others who haven't cared up until now? Memorialize your father the way YOU want to and in a way that would best help you through a difficult day. When my dad died, he lived in an ALF and I had a gathering in the activities room with desserts, drinks & music from Italy (his birthplace) and anyone who wanted to come (from the ALF) could come. The family was invited separately.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.

Fawnby, I'm so sorry for what you are going through now with your dad. There are so many good responses already and from different view points- all valid. Not to make excuses for any of your dad's friends but I think you nailed it exactly when you said that not many people understood how impacted the elderly were by circumstances we all went through. It's that lack of understanding that can prevent some from showing up. If you haven't had a death of a close loved one you don't get how much just showing up is appreciated; if you haven't dealt with a family emergency it doesn't strike you to call your friend in need and ask them what night you can bring dinner. I'm ashamed to think of times I didn't respond to a need then as I would now. My experience with my dad's friends is that many are not comfortable dealing with their own emotions of seeing a friend decline.... They don't know what to say or do and so nothing is done. You can best decide what's best for your family when that time comes. I see funerals as a celebration of the life lived and showing respect to those remaining. When mom died and again when my brother died I got the gift of hearing stories that I had never heard and seeing them through the eyes of others and what they meant to them personally. It truly was priceless to me. You are clearly an empathetic and caring person and likely highly introspective. Sadly many are not. Consider letting those who are falling short now share their love for and memories of your daddy when that day comes. You never know what's behind their lack of connection now. Maybe put out a newsletter to those people now and let them know how much their calls, visits and cards would mean to dad. Hopefully at least some respond. All the best to you!

My mother was involved with church groups, theatre and volunteered. It gave her great joy to be involved, interact with people and do things that she loved. After a serious accident, she had a flood of visitors that slowly became a trickle. This made my Dad so mad that he cut everyone out of their lives and he became the sole provider of mental, physical and emotional support for my mother.

Fast forward many years and they still had few friends when my Dad died and my mother is now in a nursing home. My brother and I are the only ones who have ever visited my mother.

Even if she had a wider circle of friends or had been more involved in the community, I personally wouldn't expect regular visits. Going to a care home or hospice is hard, emotionally and mentally. I also think that she loved being involved, it gave her great joy when she was able to do it and that is what is important. She didn't do it with the expectation that there would be a support group for her, she did it because she wanted to. Even if I, or especially my Dad thought otherwise.

If your father has expressed his wishes for his funeral, honor them. If not, I would do what you think is best based on how he lived his life. I know my mother has lived and loved her life by being involved in her community and I will invite anyone who wants to celebrate that to her funeral.

Have you offered to take dad to meet up with them for coffee or lunch?

Does he ever pick up the phone to call them?

I think ALL relationships that become one-way will dead end.

See what happens by having dad reach out. They may just surprise you.

My ex-husband, father of our daughters, chose to go to a NH for the last weeks before he died of cancer. His world was closing down, and I think that visitors would have tired him more – perhaps nice to see their faces, but not a real visit. Only close family and a very close friend visited him there, but a large number came to his funeral – including virtually all the fellow volunteers from his St Vincent de Paul OpShop. Family were glad to see them, and happy to see what good memories they had of him.

I don’t like funerals. To my mind many of the statements are hypocrisy, and I don’t like gush. I’m glad to have missed the gush (I was interstate), but also I’m glad that it was good for many people there. I’m sure that they were happier to reminisce than to see him in distress. And it’s too late for effective payback or anger, even if you think people should have done more.

Private funeral. It is almost insulting that people would come to his funeral, but did not visit when he was alive. Honor your father...with real, heartfelt love from the people who were there for him. I do understand how even family can ignore one in need. I cared for my older sister, almost singlehandedly, except at the end, when people came to collect up her stuff...'er I mean say goodbye. My deepest condolences on the loss of your father...

@notgoodenough No, of course I wouldn’t exclude my brother, He has been supportive and he cares about Dad, he just doesn’t do his share. But he has Asperger’s and changing his plans and reading other peoples emotions doesn’t feature in his life.

LiloLil and Fawnby, sorry for the mixup!

I've been contemplating your question for a bit, so here goes.

I found a lot of my mom's friends, who hadn't "been there" so to speak while she had been so ill offered me much comfort at her funeral. The cried with me, they laughed with me, they regaled me with stories about her - some that I knew, some that I didn't - and I was truly glad they took the time to come to her funeral. So if you "ban" some of your dad's compatriots, you might be "missing out" on that aspect at his funeral. Now, only you can decide if the possibility of their being able to comfort you in the future outweighs your bitterness at their treatment of your dad now. It's your decision, and I can't say one is right and the other wrong; it's going to have to be based entirely on how you're doing, emotionally.

Not that I am trying to make excuses for your dad's friends' behaviors, but I have found that the influx of social media has impacted so much in how we communicate with each other and the world. I have been "left out of the loop" so to speak, about friends' lives and families' lives because I refuse to engage in Facebook. I can't be angry at my friends if I'm "left out", because I know that's how much of the world communicates now. If I choose to not engage, then it's on me if I don't get information. As long as I'm not getting "blamed" by my friends for not knowing what's going on when they know I don't "do" Facebook, I'm ok with the balance I've struck. It seems to me that people have accepted social media as a substitute for phone calls, visits, etc. And I've seen just as many elderly people use it as a substitute as I've seen younger people do so.

The last bit of advice I'll give is that funerals are for the living, not the dead. You do what gives you and the rest of your family the most comfort, and don't worry about what anyone else's opinion on the matter is.

My opinion is that people do what they can do. To expect more of those who are not intimately connected as you and your brother are is unfair. Sure, it's a disappointment, but you don't have the right to expect anything from others.


Many people are acutely uncomfortable visiting nursing homes and hospitals. My mother was one of those, because it triggered something in her from her own mother's death at a relatively young age. Frankly, I was shocked when she and my dad showed up at the hospital when my first child was born, but she did not visit people in nursing homes and hospitals otherwise. She just couldn't.

When she herself was in a nursing home, she was visited by some people from her church whose job it was to visit and by a couple of friends in the first month or so, but then they trickled off. Even though she was still in the general vicinity of her home, I realized that for people her age, just getting one thing accomplished in a day was a big deal. Sometimes it was going to a doctor's appointment or going to the grocery store, so going to visit someone was really beyond their ability. My dad was a very healthy guy, but even for him at that same age (mid-late 80s) one thing knocked of the checklist per day was about it.

My mother outlived most of her friends, and those who were still alive weren't able to get to her funeral, plus it was during Covid, so I don't really know how many would have attended. We had a total of about 30 people there, and a good half were family, but we really appreciated those who did attend. Yes, I wish more people had been attentive to Mom during the years she was failing, but she also had dementia, and people don't know how to handle that either.

My dad, on the other hand, when given his terminal diagnosis, immediately got on the phone to his friends to tell THEM how much they'd meant to him. He had a steady stream of visitors in the six weeks between his diagnosis and his death, and there were 350 people at his funeral. We were astounded at the love and support we received.

It's up to you whether to have a private funeral or not, but I think having one just to give the middle finger to your dad's friends is petty and vindictive. Don't be so judgmental of others, though. As I said, people do what they can do. Leave it at that.

Sorry for the hard time you are going through. I think it is VERY common for people to not want to be involved with someone sick, etc. Their reasons may seem unimportant to you, who wishes people would step up to the plate and visit and help your LO pass the time, etc. I do understand how annoying it is, but on another level, they have a right to do what they are comfortable with. You have a right to be hurt or angry - but it might serve everyone better if you took a deep breath and accept how these people behaved. While they did not live up to your expectations or wishes, it does not mean they are bad people and that their neglect was malicious.

The choice of how to arrange the funeral is, of course, up to you. Do what you feel good about and don't look back.

I would do what your father wants. If he doesn't want a service, then don't have one or have only only for family. If he wants a service, then have one. Keep in mind that the cost of a service is dependent on the size, so if you or he can't afford one, that will give you your answer. Even for a cremation and a pre-paid plot, cost will be several thousand dollars even without a service.
Sadly, illness has a way of letting you know who your true friends are. However, you might reach out to them to let them know he is at the end of his life and if they want to see him again, they better do it quick or it might be too late. If they show up, then maybe a service and/or get together might be an option.
For the ones who say they don't want to be reminded of where they might end up, perhaps you can arrange a video call with them.

Many people are afraid to go to nursing homes or care facilities. People feel awkward and don't know what to say or do and would prefer to remember him like he was. Don't be too hard on them. I feel like a "mental" illness is different than a physical one. They aren't the same person. That makes people uncomfortable.

I am a very private person and would not want my friends coming to see me when I am not in control of my faculties. I know that may seem odd to some, but that is how I feel.

My mom has dementia and is in memory care. Her brothers live here in town and do not go to see her. If I pick her up and host something at my home, one of them might come for a short visit, but other than that, they don't go see her. Prior to my moms diagnosis, I had never been around someone with dementia. It can be unsettling to people....you never know who she thinks you are or what is going to come out of her mouth.

Don't take the actions of your dads friends personally. When your dad passes, post his funeral and let those who want to pay their respects come.

@LiloLil, I might have a pretty good solution here.

Firstly, don’t take offense at what I write, but you are expecting things that your dear father’s old-time friends are obviously unable to give, such as driving to visit and socialize with him in person. That is a monumental hill for them to climb (metaphorically) after which they would struggle to entertain an ill man with dementia. 

You said your dad couldn’t follow the conversation on Zoom calls. I imagine it wouldn’t be too easy on the elderly friends to try to keep a conversation rolling with your dad.

Therefore I propose that you write personally to each of your dad’s old buddies, and include a sheet of paper and a self-addressed, stamped envelope*. Explain to each old friend what you explained to us, that dad is lonely, nearing the end of his life, and is remembering his old friends fondly. Ask each friend to write a letter or note to your dad which you can read to him. Recommend topics such as “my fondest memory of a great time with dad” or “the time I laughed the loudest at dad’s antics” or “the biggest scrape we got into together” or whatever topics you think will spur the old friends to write.

Make clear to each old friend that dad is nearing the end of his long, fruitful, wonderful life and that “funeral will be for family and close friends only”. Then any oldster who really will want to attend a future funeral can contact you to make clear that he or she would be honored to attend the funeral. The others who might like to, but are too physically frail themselves, will feel relieved to be off the hook and not expected to appear at a funeral, no matter how much they loved your dad. 

And it sounds like your dad really is lovable! 

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* I recommend you enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope and paper to make it easy on the friends. Old people are trying to downsize and probably years ago got rid of letter paper, plus writing may be easier for the elderly to do than to phone and not be able to themselves hear or understand. Rather than an ephemeral phone call, you will have beautiful written fond memories to read to your dad, and to keep and comfort you.

Hello and I would only invite those who have been supportive. Perhaps it was difficult to visit for various reasons,but did these people even communicate with you or show concern via an e-mail or call? Were you the one always reaching out to them? If they made little to no attempt in any form ,I would not invite them. You may likely be hurt again when they fall short at a time when you are very vulnerable. Remember the world is full of beautiful people who will share your values and reciprocate concern. I say this because I am going through something similar and with "family",and I remind myself the same things. We go through life seperating the wheat from the chaff. Hope this help you in your journey! (This forum has personally been a g#d send for me.)

If the shoe was on the other foot do you think dad would go visit his friends in the nursing home? Probably not.