My father was a bullheaded fool before his strokes. Now, despite his Left Side Neglect Syndrome, he thinks he's normal, because he's back at home, and can do whatever he wants. In fact he knows he requires a walker, but leaves it behind out of belligerence. Not only still a bullheaded fool, now can't even figure out pants go on before shoes.

My mother may have had a stroke herself, but has hidden it. It could just be dementia settling in. She is on powerful pain medications, and has been since a car accident in 1964. Now it seems to be psychological pain, because she'll be singing in her room, and laughing loudly at TV, then complains her pain is so bad that she can't even think, just to get more drugs. She is clearly a drug addict. Yes, she no doubt has the same headaches everyone else does now and then, and when she gets one of those, she won't even try to leave her bed. Her other headaches are triggered but things like someone presenting logic to her about situations she does not want to face, such as needing to throw away items soiled by mice feces and urine. (Don't worry ... the mice situation has been gone for years, but their feces and urine remains, due to what amounts to hoarding.)

My father is all but deaf, and has hearing aids. Even with those, it often takes a raised voice for him to understand. My mother calls that "yelling at him", and interferes with trying to get him through simple things like getting dressed or changing his adult diapers.

My sister has always hated my father and his religion. They never got along with each other ever since she ran away from home when she was 16. Recently she moved back in with them, claiming it was to take care of them, but she just kept to herself in her room and let them fen for themselves. Then her son also moved in, and was able to give my mother care. The situation of my father's bullheaded foolishness made my sister finally move out again. That was before my father had his strokes. She would not deal with him at all after his strokes. Her words were, "They are old. Let them die in peace."

My mother was already getting very good care from my nephew, but he could not handle the two of them, and put himself in the hospital when it became more than he could mentally handle. His mother had to stay to care for our parents for awhile, and to help my nephew through his burnout. During that time, trying to help my father shower, but not being comfortable with touching him, she dumped him on the floor, and the ambulance had to be called, because she couldn't get him back up.

I was living across the country when all this was going on. I have personal items and furniture stored at their house. When he was in the hospital for the strokes, she told me she was going to throw my things away, if I didn't come get them right away, and she was going to put my mother in a rest home, so she could sell the house. She said he was about to die, and I had to come out for the funeral, anyway.

When I got here, I found him feeling so neglected in the hospital. My mother could not visit him, except when driven there. He was getting infrequent visits by other family members. He was so depressed, he was refusing to eat the puree he had to have from the stroke induced dysphagia.

I stayed by his side, rubbing his cramps from his stroke induced Parkinson's symptoms, hand feeding him, helping him move in bed, and soon he started to recover. This greatly annoyed my sister, and that was when she said the above cruel words. Instead of gathering up my things and going back to my teenage son across the country, I packed up what I had there, and moved in to care for my parents.

From the hospital, he went to a care center, where I continued to stay with him daily. He finally became healthy enough to come home. However, once there, he wanted to not use his wheelchair or walker, despite his Left Side Neglect, and lack of brain function for balance. He wanted to use a stick, (he found in a cemetery and put a cane tip on), as a cane. Even the rehab people told him he could not use a real cane ... even a four-legged cane, let alone that stick.

Rather than recognize that, my sister said, "If he wants to use his stick for a cane, let him do it." (Keep in mind, she still hates him and wants him to die.) When I hid the stick to keep him from hurting himself, she told him I was just a bully.

Now that word, "bully", comes up any time I'm trying to help him do things he is doing wrong, or when I try to remind him he has to use his walker, or when I don't fix his food just the way he likes it, or practically anything that points out he can not do what he used to do before his strokes.

He is getting more and more belligerent, doing just the opposite of what I suggest, until he is so frustrated from failing, he finally lets me help. Even then he lies, and says what I was suggesting or trying to do for him, was what he was trying to do before I interfered ... not accepting that he was failing.

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I wish I could give myself good advice but I might offer it to you. Check out some Assisted Living places. Some are definitely better than others. How much you pay also depends on what area of town it is located in. I am using my mom's social security and a pension to pay for it. Another option that might work is a residential place - this is where they have turned a house into apartments and a central living area. I always thought my mom would fight me on it. She doesn't want to return to her house. She's not happy where she is at the moment, but these places are not like the nursing homes you remember from 20 years ago. She gets her nails and hair done once a week. They have activities and cable. The thing you need to remember is if you and your nephew get sick or die, your parents will be in a worse situation. So you have to make adjustments so you can stand what is going on. Get help. Put your foot down on the craziness. I agree that sometimes brining someone in from outside to be the bad guy goes over better. Take care of yourself and your health. It's not selfish. It's what has to be for this whole thing to work.
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Thank you all. Sorry I was so long in responding, but I could not find what URL this moved to. I finally got someone on the phone, (Stephanie), who knew the new URL.

My mother is 85, and my father is 81. She clearly has dementia, but my hands are tied, as all control is in the hands of my other relatives. I'm just stuck here having to deal with it. I do not know if she was ever officially diagnosed with dementia, but it's something my sister says about her every time she gets a chance. My mother has a pace maker, and it's her second one ... the first one failed. They didn't think she'd survive installing the second one, but she did.

I was told by my sister, (the one who has all control of their money), he was released from the care center because he was able to use his walker, and Medicare had "run out". I do know that he had fallen at the care center three times, (from thinking he could walk without a walker, just because he can take several steps without one), and because of those falls, they had threatened to send him out of there, if he fell again, because they can not accept the liability of a patient that will not follow their orders. However, my sister said that would happen on the third fall, but he was still there a few more weeks.

We are NOT a family of means. There is no money for an assisted care center, and my sister says medicare and medicaid will not pay for it, if he is healthy enough to get around like he is. I'm pretty sure the only income they get is from Social Security, but I'm taking my sister's word on that. I do know that there is not enough money for food at the end of their pay cycle, but I do not know what bills my sister is paying from it. I do know she drives a nice car I don't know how she can afford.

I moved in last November. I moved in to care for my Dad, since my nephew was already overwhelmed caring for my mother, my oldest sister is too unhealthy to care for anyone but herself, and my other sister, (the one with the purse strings), will not give the care he needs. (Remember; she hates him and wants him to just die.)

My son is in his mother's custody, but they still expect me to somehow come up with child support, even though I don't have the time for any sort of job, other than "work from home", (which all seem to be scams). I'm applying for food stamps.

As for the house; while I was living across the country, my father's foolish financial practices had them so far in debt, my sister talked them into doing a "reverse mortgage" about 5 years ago. They got over $150,000 that, was gone in 2013 when they asked me for help paying their property taxes. My sister was living here, helping them spend that at that time. When I asked where it all went, the only answer I got was that my father bought a motor home at top dollar, then sold it for "a fraction". So, the house goes back to the bank, unless it can be sold for more than the $150K+ they owe. However, being as old as they are, they have antiques that have sentimental value to them, that my sister would happily sell.

One thing they do not understand is; if they burn down their house, they are homeless, because any insurance money would go to the bank. So far my mother has caused two fires from her dementia and powerful pain killer drugs. My father says she was just "sleep walking". She almost caused a third fire in the middle of the day while I was here, but I smelled the smoke, and turned off the burner before the plastic handle of the pan she left there, (and was causing the smoke), caused a fire.

They do love each other, and they were both heart broken while he was separated from her while in the hospital and care center. Putting them in different facilities is out of the question. The only places that would still take my father for his Social Security checks are dumps that automatically catheterize all male patients. That means they never again have the independence to use a toilet that he is so proud of getting back. I WILL NOT do that to him, though my sister would without a second thought. It takes all of their income to pay the bills they have, so, taking his income away from her, would have her homeless.

My nephew wants to work, and, now that I'm here, he can. I'm just worried that, once he has an income and the added stress of a job, he will leave here, leaving me dealing with both of them alone. My nephew and I are both at super high stress levels as it is, but work together real well. When his mother was living here, he says every day was a struggle to keep from leaving, because he can't get along with her, either. In fact, no one wants to be in the same room with my sister, except her grandchildren.

I WILL NOT leave, because I care too much about my parents. With the threat of my nephew possibly putting himself in the hospital again without me, and the worse threat of my sister moving back in and NOT caring for my parents, I simply must find a way to endure this.

I have asked my father's doctors for a referral for psychological or psychiatric help, but they know him, and know that; 1) it won't take with his brain damage from the strokes; 2) he is too stubborn to attend in the first place without arguments capable of giving him another stroke or heart failure. They can only suggest a drug solution, and we're trying that now.

Originally he went into the hospital for a "cabbage", (quadruple bypass surgery). The blood clots that caused his multiple strokes were a direct result of that surgery. During the surgery, it was discovered he has a heart aneurysm, that the strokes prevented them from scheduling surgery for. It still remains untreated these six months later. So arguments have potential to kill him.

Everyday there is an argument about something, even if it's just him getting offended that I have to remind him that he can't wear pants with both legs in the same leg hole.
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They both need to be in an assistant living place. Check it out. Maybe not the same one.
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Don't really know what to tell you except to step back and go away for a few days so you can calmly work out your options. Everyone has their own agenda in the home and clearly no one is willing or able to co-operate.
Dad is clearly not able to take care of himself and I don't know about Mom but as you say she is addicted to pain killers which need to be dealt with by a professional team if necessary at an inpatient addiction facility. Who ever has been prescribing the medication for all these years without properly managing her pain needs a few lessons in medical care to say the least. these days ther are speclist pain clinics that have many tools in their chest other than medications. you alone are not going to be able to handle this and i would suggest both parents need assisted living. Do you or anyone else have power of attorney. Your sister can not just go ahead and sell their house and pocket the money. If the paremnts don't have money medicare is going to take everything they have to pay for their care. Lots of things to think about but as things are you can't win.
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Contact the local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services. They will be able to give you info on services that could help your parents if they qualify. Sounds like everyone needs some caregiver support, they should also have caregiver services as well. It can be difficult, not only are our parents stubborn and set in their ways, they may fear becoming dependent as they lose the ability to care for themselves. This with the possibility of dementia setting in causes behavioral issues. Even with in home assistance it may not be enough to keep your parents at home as they may require more care. I feel placement and obtaining in home services should be a family decision, have a family meeting even if it's via phone. Make sure everyone gets some input. Speak with the physicians and what they are seeing and recommend. Being a caregiver can be very stressful and each of us handles it differently. It is difficult to manage caregiving duties with work and family and all to often the caregiver feels overwhelmed. Not all facilities are alike, if that is what the family decides as the right thing to do, check out facilities in the area, visit them at meal times, speak with the residents and staff about the care, food, activities etc. Look at their state survey reports which should be in an public place in each facility. If you decide on in home options, your parents may respond better to an 'outsider' coming into the home than they do with family. It sounds like a lot is going on and living away makes it difficult to be in the midst of things. Good luck.
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I agree. It is amazing how things clarify and simplify with professional help.

Go get it!!!
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Both your parents need professional help and you sisters need to get them the help they need.
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How old are your mother and father and has either one been diagnosed with Alzheimer's or Vascular Dementia?

What has their doctor said about the level of care that they need currently?

Why was rehab so willing to send him home?

Whose taking care of your teenage son across the country?

How long have you been living there with your parents?

My mother had vascular dementia as a result of having seizures and a stroke before going into a nursing home. Later, when she fell and broker her hip, her dementia was so bad that she could not grasp the importance of working with the PT in order to walk again so that she could go back home which she never did and ended up dying four years later of one final stroke. She had her days where she would claim that she had been walking and could therefore drive herself home, but none of that was true, but it was real in her head.
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