My father is 94 years old, lives with me and my husband, and has congestive heart failure, among other issues. He's been in and out of the hospital so many times in the past 8 or so years, I feel that they should give him his own room there.
The issue is, I took him to his primary yesterday for his latest hospital follow-up. Basically what the doctor told me is that there is nothing more we can do for him and that at this point he is living on "bonus time" which I agree with. I asked if I should be pushing him to do more for himself. i.e. walk more, move more, etc. He is still very independent but getting lazy and loves my husband and me to do everything for him. Lately, he just sits on the couch and complains about everything. It hurts to move, it hurts to stand, etc., etc. I do know that is true, but I keep telling him that the doctors say if he doesn't try it will only get worse. He gets mad at me every time I try to tell him something because he thinks it's coming from me and I made it up and I am I have completely lost my patience. I tend to snap at him. Can't help it, I have a few issues of my own that are extremely worrisome, including my type 2 which is hard to control due to stress from my dad.
He doesn't like to eat and I'm tired of trying to get him to eat (a big fight every time), so (on doctor's advice) I leave him alone. But he has to give me a three-hour lecture on why he doesn't want to eat and I just don't want to hear it anymore. I tell him, "just say no and I don't want to hear why not" because I already know all the excuses.
I'm just so tired and angry at myself for my lack of patience. I never knew my grandparents or any other elder relatives as they are or were all in other countries so I really don't know how to deal with these issues. I have three siblings who really can't be bothered. My sister comes to visit and babies him to the point that he loves her attention. But that's only once every few weeks. Then he expects me to do the same. She doesn't deal with the day-to-day crap, doctor's appointments, insurance calls, etc. I can't spend every minute with him as I have things I need to do, including trying to solve my own health issues.
How do you get over all the guilt while still trying to do all you can? I feel like I'm losing my mind. My husband is a great help with him, but he is feeling the stress just as much when he is home and not at work.
I've tried to get help from Medicaid (he doesn't qualify. They said he has too many resources, which I don't understand as he has absolutely nothing. Never owned anything, home, credit cards or life insurance, etc.) and his insurance is no help either.
At this point it may just be easier on all of you if you just let him be. If he wants to eat great. If he doesn't, well that's great too. If he wants to sit on the couch all day, let him. If he wants to try and walk around, well try and help him.
I think if you were to try that, your stress levels would decrease significantly. You are trying too hard to make him fit into what you feel is best and right for him, instead of letting him tell you. And thus why you are feeling so burned out.
Your father is dying, so why not let him live out the rest of his life the way he wants to? It will make things much easier on all of you. I wish you the best.
Try not to compare yourself with your sister. She breezes in occasionally and babies him. So, that's her. Not you. You do NOT have to live up to her "standards." If he thinks it's so great, tell him to go live with her. Bet she wouldn't keep babying him. Otherwise, mum's the word. Put food/drinks out, sometimes ask if he needs anything and the rest of the time, he can sit there and do whatever.
Arguing with him is clearly not working, so why bother? You can ask, while passing by, if he'd like a drink or something, otherwise, let him sit. Don't push the food or drinks on him. It's his choice whether to eat, dink or not. There really is nothing you can do, per the doctor.
"How do you get over all the guilt while still trying to do all you can?"
You shouldn't feel guilty for trying to help, but you also have to cut back on "trying to do all you can." At this point you know what he will do, so don't go there. He complains, tune it out.
Meal time? Just tell him "dinner's ready if you want to join us" and walk away. He can eat or not. No need to rehash it.
Does he have dementia? If so, you may have to let him repeat his excuses, but you can ignore them. And give him a vague response like "That's fine dad." And try to redirect him to something else. He will have to get used to you no longer pushing him.
My mom is only 78 and I am so tempted to give up and not help her improve her situation but I feel she's just much too young to give up. She lives with me so if she does less I have to do more and that's not workable for me. If/when we exhaust reasonable options, then I'll give in.
my dad, was 63 had CHF also and was on waiting list for heart transplant but died almost exactly the 3 yrs drs gave him. But he stayed active even walked 2 miles every day and the drs were amazed because he was only working on 20% of heart function. Told him he shld be dead.
i would just let your dad be, tell him dinners ready, if he chooses to eat , or not, thats on him. Back off and let him be. Sounds like its time for palliative or hospice care now, so he can remain his last days living as he wants. Much love and prayers for you and your husband. Liz
Give him some grace, give yourself some grace, and try to squeeze in some enjoyable moments together before your dad leaves for good, if possible. The chronic complaining and negativity is hard to deal with, I know. I have a 94 year old mother who's turned it into an art form. I limit my exposure to her, truthfully, and try to keep the chatter to neutral topics. When she gets too toxic, I either leave her presence or get off the phone before I start yelling myself.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation