My Mother (85) refuses to allow "outsiders" to help her with meals. How do we deal with this?

You stay there, introduce the outsider and engage conversation until mom is familiar and comfortable with this person. That should not take more than a couple of visits. This also gives you a chance to be sure the aide is one YOU can trust.

i agree with pamstegma. My siblings and I did one more thing,that we learned from another caretaker of a parent. We paid the first year for the caretaker so my dad couldn't let them go. We did this the first two years. I think 1 yr would have been enough. Often they can't justify spending the $ and really want their family only, but once they get used to having someone, they understand.. We never called them caretakers, but companions or friends .
Even when my dad moved to AL, we kept the Caretakers too . Our goal was for one yr till he adjusted to the AL...

My mother also didn't want anyone in her house. My Dad was still with her. The caregiver we got was wonderful and put up with my mom complaining about the caregiver's cooking etc. My Dad loved her. I don't know what we would have done without her. Sometimes you just have to push hard and get them in there.

I couldn't get MIL to agree to in home PT. I was there the first visit...MIL threw her out. But before the PT specialist left I took her picture with my smart phone. I printed the picture out and left it on MIL's kitchen table. The next time she came to the house...I was there but this time MIL listened and participated. After that is was smooth sailing (I didn't have to be there).

I did the same thing, by the hardest; dad at first had 2, one for personal care, which was fine; he loved her, the other for cleaning and cooking, the problem being she couldn't start right when I really was hoping because her daughter was having a baby, so she couldn't start until the very day I really needed to leave to get back to a function for my son, so it got right down to the wire, but it did work out and everything was fine, except nobody could understand the need to stay, but you all have confirmed that; thanks so, that's the thing to do

I told my parents that cleaning 2 houses was toouch for me. Told them I found a mom of one of my kids friends who cleaned houses and was very honest and trustworthy. I stayed for the first visit, my parents were impressed. After a while they decided that they would go to church after she got there. When we needed help during the day we found a neighbor , her duties progressed slowly. My parents loved here. I think you showing the caretaker, etc how mom likes things done is key in this workkng out. Have mom involved as much as possible. I think my parents started with the bi monthly cleaner to help me. Maybe explaining that to your mom could work. Good luck

Good Luck! I am dealing with a similar situation. My mom is 86 & frail. My dad is 84 with dementia, NPH, urinary incontinence, just got out of rehab after hospitilization for pneumonia. Dad is a big guy 6 ft, 210 lbs. We FINALLY got mom to agree to having an aid come in 2x's a week to bath & shave dad. The aide also does some laundry & abit of house cleaning. My mom is a wonderful woman. She loves Amanda (the aide), however, she constantly complains about how she folds the laundry, makes the bed, washes the dishes etc. We are now TRYING to get her to agree to more help, as dad's 'abilities' have declined since his latest hospitilization / rehab stay. NO GO with mom. "She doesn't want someone else in her house". They live in an attachment to my house, with a full kitchen 2 bedrooms, 1.5 baths, laundry room etc. I understand not wanting someone else in your house. But it is wearing her out and it is wearing me out. I just have to take it day to day, minute by minute, but more and more lately I feel hopeless.

We need to remember that our elders will eat much less then we do because their activity level is much less. I notice that with my Dad [94] who is in IL/AL, he will have a light breakfast and light lunch, and for dinner will head down to the common dining room and have a feast. He's happy with that.

Yes, a heart attack will make someone very weak and tired. I remembered my Dad could barely walk after his minor heart attack years ago. It took him many years to get back to being more active... but now his age has caught up with him. I figure at his age, let him do what he wants [I know it is hard for us to put on the brakes as we want to see our parents active again].

I don't think Meals on Wheels can be sent away.
Kind of rude if they're at your door.

Sounds like your mother is on a Seniors diet. I am 73 and I have a smoothie in the morning or cut up fruit. I eat one big meal a day at the Senior Center. I do not need anymore food. In fact, if someone asked me to eat more, I might get sick to my stomach. This is common with the elderly. They do not have the energy of younger children and do not need the extra meal everyday. She is full after a tiny breakfast and to eat her big meal in the middle of the day is best. Don't push her in some area where Seniors no longer go.

Remember, most Senior Centers have "Time Out" lunches. You can bring her to the Senior Center to meet the people and meet with the people who do the delivery. I sat with a 100 year old women today and on the other side, and 89 year old lady. Neither of them each more than one big meal (Veg, meat or chicken, potato and desert a day. Give it a try. Take her there and let her meet the people who make the meals. I think the meals at the senior center surpass any resturant I have been to. Everything is tender easy to eat. Our cook is finer than many chefs.

Desertra...You scare me. Just kidding of course. But, I will be 74 in April. SO far I am doing very very well. I have my mental capacities, drive my own car, I finally hired someone to clean my home 2 days a week 4 hr each day. I have to have a clean house in order to keep my sanity. However, my kids are begging me to come and live with them. I said ok, if they buy a home with a guest house. They said they would. I do not wish to be a burden on my children. My mother died while I was in my early 40's. People are living longer today. I have a very good friend who celebrated her 89th birthday today and still drives, cooks and is friends with many influential people in our town. We are the exception. I don't want my kids to worry about me. But, lately, I have been getting lazy and forgetting names of people. I don't want to admit that just yet as I have always had a problem with names. Sooner or later, I will realize my issues if they get worse. Before they do, I would love to be around my children. BUT, I REFUSE to allow them to care for me if I no longer remember them. It is too late then. But, please take serious the last days of your mother or father. You cannot get those days back. EVER! You may have to give of yourself for a few months maybe a year or a bit more, but you will thank God you had those days.

my mom was the very same way. I finally had to tell her that she wasn't going to be able to live in her little house that we bought for her anymore if she didn't allow the nurses to come in and help her. She was raised on the farm and was always very independent. At 92 she was still going out to her back yard and planting vegetables and pulling weeds. She was able to be on her own until just a few months before a bad stroke took her from me. That independence is the most difficult thing to give up I think. Good luck to you.

Kimba3060 -- As Oregongirl explained, we older people don't require three full meals a day. I'm almost 85; eat a balanced breakfast, dinner at noon and a small meal in the evening. Unless your mother requires supervision for another reason, I suggest letting her take her own evening meal.

I agree with Oregongirl, unless your mother is malnourished, I wouldn't push the food. Stop fussing over that and it may help with some stress.

On the other hand, I can relate to parents not wanting outsiders in their home. My father fired the housekeeper I was paying for. Not that he cleans better, he just didn't like having someone in the house. It made him uncomfortable. He refuses home help with my mother too. He's 84 and she will be 86. They are both stubborn. The biggest issue would be my mother. She's now getting into that suspicious phase of Alz. She always worried about women going after my father but now it's ridiculous. It doesn't matter if the woman is 25 or 80, my mother thinks they ALL want to take my father away from her, then accuses my father, the other person etc. SMH. My poor dad can't even run to the store for 30 min w/o her thinking he's "run off" to be with someone. So she was not happy about the cleaning lady. Same would happen with any home aid too. I don't recall anyone talking about this. How does one handle this kind of situation?

Oregongirl is right, Seniors can do well on less food than we think. On the other hand, medications and conditions can affect appetite and attitude (flexible or stubborn for example). Vitamin deficiencies (especially B12) can affect taste buds, and cause losses in smelling and taste. Then people over-salt or over-sugar their foods because they aren't tasting the rest of the flavors. Heart problems can cause depression. Heart surgery often has depression as part of the recovery period. Elders also dehydrate themselves because they don't feel thirst as strongly or don't take notice of it. This is why we all need to develop healthy habits that we do every day without even thinking about it. So when we are very elderly, we will be used to "this is just how I do things! I wake up and stretch and exercise...I eat this...I drink a glass of water...." In caregiving, we learn what's going to be important for US as we age.

Singingway --

Thanks for mentioning, "Vitamin deficiencies (especially B12) can affect taste buds, and cause losses in smelling and taste." I didn't know that, and think it might be affecting my sense of taste. Will learn more about it.

Sometimes we need to search for male housekeeper or caregivers, to help ease any type of jealousy that a wife might have regarding a female caregiver.

I noticed that with my Mom, she became very miffed whenever a female physical therapist, nurse, or caregiver came to the house to help my Dad. It was how dare another woman use her stove, go through the cabinets, look in the refrigerator and prepare a meal for my Dad [even if the caregiver was also serving the same meal to my Mom]. My Mom even took the dish away from my Dad and dumped out the food.... oops.

Interesting that all these comments are about parents. But here's an 87 year old man dealing with an 82 year old wife who's raised four sons successfully, and managed a household for about 58 years, and insists she can still take care of the household, adamantly resisting, with much emotion, any companion/caretaker/housekeeper. We're getting along OK with my cooking (amazingly!), but housekeeping is not my glass of beer. So, any advice?

I think that making a habit of putting things back where they belong right away is a very good way of "housekeeping".
When the cleaning day comes, it will be easy to get to the surfaces that need wiping down.
Get rid of papers that are trash immediately. Don't let the pile get a mile high of unmanageable papers.
Separate the important stuff right away. Use a special drawer for unpaid bills.
This paperwork "management" helps us all at any age.
♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡
Keep your area tidy, it will make you feel better about the appearance of the house.
Poor vision, poor lighting contribute to an untidy area.
Little steps on a daily basis will be an attainable goal.
Many elderly resent someone touching their belongings, etc. Many cannot see well enough to tell things need to be cleaned. Sigh!
Anyway, keeping moving or we will rust...haha!!! M88

The mentalities of elders is a no-win discussion. A lovely African-American gentleman used to bring my husband's grandmother dinners. She immediately threw them away after he left.

Breaks my ♡. Hope that gentleman never found out. As if the food had "something wrong" with it. Very sad to hear.

My husband's aunt's doing the same thing

Llamalover47 and debdaughter -- It took courage to mention your relatives' rude behaviors as they aged.

Arianne, can I ask why you consider it rude? not sure about Llamalover's situation and who this gentleman was who was bringing those dinners but in my situation she never asked for them

Hopefully you will take those meals home before mom dumps them. You are receiving loving assistance for mom in way of meals, which translates into: someone who cares a lot is going out of their way to get, plan, prepare and deliver something that is useful and a caring human gesture (more and more hard to find these days).
Tactfully, advise well meaning food givers as you're able, that is not necessary at this point to bring food. What's the best way to do this?
I would not want to offend the good intentions of the people who are caring enough to make such an effort. Much less to see that labor of love tossed in the garbage
Fib if you have to regarding mom's diet .... you do not want to burn bridges.
And tell mom that you will be taking care of the food. For her not to toss it, but just leave it to you.................
I know that there comes a time when reasoning is a thing of the past. Out of sight, for your mom is a good thing that will not make her anxious.
Hang tight, and enjoy the meals at your home yourself while they keep coming.
M88

you dont feed her for about 10 days . she'll eat arbys , by god ..
she'll say " this is really delicious , got any more ? " .
my point is ;
it isnt delicious .
its sugar , shaved beef , with more sugar ..
the drive thru could have a sugar bag and a tablespoon an it'd be the same thing ..

you people arent putting up one bit of resistance tonight .
im gonna go see my aunt , at least she acts appalled by my antics . she isnt , she just knows how to goad me on ..

Gentretired, your wife might allow someone in to help do a real spring cleaning, the kind where you move furniture and climb ladders and wash windows. Once you get them in the door it may be easier to convince her to have them back periodically... once a month would be a big help.

I hope when I am 85 they are feeding me Arbys !

Debdaughter -- I shouldn't have used the word rude. It's not my place to judge anyone, especially people who are not well.