My Mother (85) refuses to allow "outsiders" to help her with meals. How do we deal with this?

You stay there, introduce the outsider and engage conversation until mom is familiar and comfortable with this person. That should not take more than a couple of visits. This also gives you a chance to be sure the aide is one YOU can trust.

i agree with pamstegma. My siblings and I did one more thing,that we learned from another caretaker of a parent. We paid the first year for the caretaker so my dad couldn't let them go. We did this the first two years. I think 1 yr would have been enough. Often they can't justify spending the $ and really want their family only, but once they get used to having someone, they understand.. We never called them caretakers, but companions or friends .
Even when my dad moved to AL, we kept the Caretakers too . Our goal was for one yr till he adjusted to the AL...

My mother also didn't want anyone in her house. My Dad was still with her. The caregiver we got was wonderful and put up with my mom complaining about the caregiver's cooking etc. My Dad loved her. I don't know what we would have done without her. Sometimes you just have to push hard and get them in there.

I couldn't get MIL to agree to in home PT. I was there the first visit...MIL threw her out. But before the PT specialist left I took her picture with my smart phone. I printed the picture out and left it on MIL's kitchen table. The next time she came to the house...I was there but this time MIL listened and participated. After that is was smooth sailing (I didn't have to be there).

I told my parents that cleaning 2 houses was toouch for me. Told them I found a mom of one of my kids friends who cleaned houses and was very honest and trustworthy. I stayed for the first visit, my parents were impressed. After a while they decided that they would go to church after she got there. When we needed help during the day we found a neighbor , her duties progressed slowly. My parents loved here. I think you showing the caretaker, etc how mom likes things done is key in this workkng out. Have mom involved as much as possible. I think my parents started with the bi monthly cleaner to help me. Maybe explaining that to your mom could work. Good luck

Sounds like your mother is on a Seniors diet. I am 73 and I have a smoothie in the morning or cut up fruit. I eat one big meal a day at the Senior Center. I do not need anymore food. In fact, if someone asked me to eat more, I might get sick to my stomach. This is common with the elderly. They do not have the energy of younger children and do not need the extra meal everyday. She is full after a tiny breakfast and to eat her big meal in the middle of the day is best. Don't push her in some area where Seniors no longer go.

Kimba3060 -- As Oregongirl explained, we older people don't require three full meals a day. I'm almost 85; eat a balanced breakfast, dinner at noon and a small meal in the evening. Unless your mother requires supervision for another reason, I suggest letting her take her own evening meal.

I don't think Meals on Wheels can be sent away.
Kind of rude if they're at your door.

Oregongirl is right, Seniors can do well on less food than we think. On the other hand, medications and conditions can affect appetite and attitude (flexible or stubborn for example). Vitamin deficiencies (especially B12) can affect taste buds, and cause losses in smelling and taste. Then people over-salt or over-sugar their foods because they aren't tasting the rest of the flavors. Heart problems can cause depression. Heart surgery often has depression as part of the recovery period. Elders also dehydrate themselves because they don't feel thirst as strongly or don't take notice of it. This is why we all need to develop healthy habits that we do every day without even thinking about it. So when we are very elderly, we will be used to "this is just how I do things! I wake up and stretch and exercise...I eat this...I drink a glass of water...." In caregiving, we learn what's going to be important for US as we age.

Singingway --

Thanks for mentioning, "Vitamin deficiencies (especially B12) can affect taste buds, and cause losses in smelling and taste." I didn't know that, and think it might be affecting my sense of taste. Will learn more about it.