My dad won't accept that he's losing his memory and refuses help. What can I do?

You STILL have to disable the car or remove the car from their sight. All this stuff sounds legal and proper, but their brains are deteriorating and they will not take any of it in. They will STILL GO OUT AND DRIVE.

In MInnesota, only a relative or a doctor can alert the DMV about a risky driver. Their response is to send a letter requiring them to come in for a driving test, both written and behind-the-wheel. They won't do the driving part of the test unless he has a note from the doctor attesting to his fitness to drive. Without the note, no test. No test, the license is revoked. License revoked, no legal insurance once the insurance company is notified. The DMV does not tell who alerted them. No one needs to know it was you who did this, but if no one else is alerting the DMV, you should--for all the potential horror stories listed above. It can look like someone else did this and you can cooperate helping your father go through the steps. It won't be your fault if the doctor won't approve of his taking a driving test, nor will it be your fault if he doesn't pass. Once the license is revoked, most of the problem is solved. You should be able to convince him to sell the car, pointing out the financial disaster if he drives illegally and insurance won't cover him in an accident. Reassure him this happens to many people at a time in their lives and there is no shame in getting to this point. Rejoice in still being alive and able to enjoy another day more with his loved ones.

I too am dealing with dad that thinks he wants to drive, although he hasn't gone more than two miles one day in three years. The doctor signed off for him to have a renewed license... I know that I need to tell the doc that dad shouldn't drive, but I just don't want to be the one responsible for "robbing" him of what he feels is his undependece. He has lived with me for 12 years now and the last 4 have been a steady decline. I have to take on the responsibility of (in my mind) ofstopping him and letting what's left of the mountain crumble.😂 The biggest dilemna is that I don't want to prolong it to where he decides to drives while I am at work and possibly causes a fatal accident. I know I have to this. sorry I went on selfish tangent there for min, I do pray that you find your answers. God bless.

One more comment. If you can get the POA forms done, get multiple "originals." There are several organizations that will only look at an original, embossed notarized power of attorney form. I took my friend Jim back to the bank to have several more original POAs made. The credit card companies won't accept my authority to question charges for my friend unless I send them an original copy. I only had one to begin with and wasn't about to send it to a credit card company. Since they were being so uncooperative, I got the credit cards in question, cut them up and pasted the owner's plastic name and credit card number to a letter informing them the account was closed and here was proof and that I didn't have time to deal with them any more. It felt good and ended the problem. So, Adult Protective Services can help a lot, and get multiple original copies of the POA. Good luck!

Thankless, TAKE THE %@$ CAR AWAY. SAVE A LIFE.

I received a call from the California police traffic division just now. What the officer said was: "You would have to have more information. Does the daughter have Power of Attorney or does her father have a Trust? Does she have 2 doctor's statements declaring him incompetent?" Then she said, "Make sure you, (as the adult child or family member caring for them), have Power of Attorney or a Trust. With POA you have the option to sell the car and it would be completely legal. The trust would give power to someone to make decisions for the elderly in case they were incapacitated (mentally) and couldn't. There again, sell the car." When I asked her about the elder "disregarding" the law and driving without a license anyway, she said, "It is illegal to drive without a license and, if picked up, would be processed the same way as the CHP would." Another question , "What if he was sneaking in the car to drive?" She said, "Take the keys and put them somewhere, like YOUR car trunk or in YOUR office, so he couldn't drive." My question was, "What If he happened to get around this?" She said, "Then disable the car until you can get it out of there." I asked, " Would charges be filed against the daughter?" She said, "Who's going to file them?" (My interpretation of that answer is that the demented man would not know to, or think of, pressing charges.) We both agreed that the MAIN goal is NOT to have the demented person behind the wheel by whatever means available. Get legal power, then sell or store the car somewhere else.
You can contact an elder attorney through your local senior center. We did. The services of drawing up a POA were free (you could give a donation if you were able). Be sure to take a copy for yourself, as my mother ripped up the first 3 pages of the POA a few months later as her Alzheimer's advanced. The attorney that did ours does NOT keep a copy. What to do if they are incompetent and won't sign? Good question for the elder attorney. That's where the 2 doctor's statements, declaring them unfit to make decisions, would come in.

OMG, all these responses are good. Although I didn't read all 57, I do hope someone posted out that the real issue is whether or not that "driver" is dangerous. Or demented. A lot of rational people are dangerous drivers and a lot of people who have intermittent cognition issues may not be demented all the time. They might quite rationally explain and drive one moment and not another, and so the advice to call in APS (not the cops) is the best advice, coupled with the courage to do the right thing and the wisdom to recognize your own prejudices. My Dad was easily distracted as we were growing up, we all teased him about being a bad driver. But one sibling believed it strongly and would have (wrongly) prohibited him from driving if he could have. So be sure you are right, and if this person driving puts someone in danger, be the good Samaritan and do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening.

1RareFind,
I am advocating to disable the car (vandalism) and you are advocating taking the keys (theft). Both are crimes. What's the difference?
(It's very easy to disable a car by disconnecting one wire. You don't have to tear the car to pieces.)
I called the California Highway Patrol with this question. The answer I received is; They do not have sufficient personnel to come out to the house to talk to the demented elder. (These are DEMENTED elders = not rational. They aren't going to listen anyway. my words) The CHP can't do anything UNTIL the demented person starts driving. You, as the caregiver, call the CHP and then get in your own car and follow behind your demented family member so you can let the officers know their location. They will pull them over and "ARREST" them for driving without a license. Depending on the assessment of the CHP officer as to their mental state, they will be taken to either a mental health facility and placed on a 36 hour hold or to jail and the car will be impounded for 30 days. The car would be accruing fines/charges for storage each day, totaling hundreds of dollars). If this happens more than once, they would face more severe charges and their car could be taken away for good. All that, for your poor demented loved one to go through because you didn't want to disconnect a cable!
I also tried to contact local police but today is Saturday. I left a message for the police traffic division and, hopefully, will hear from them on Monday. I also will be contacting traffic court to see what the protocol is on this matter. I want a legal answer.

AMEN.....

1) I can't imagine the police throwing the son or daughter (who disabled their demented parents' precious car) into the pokey. Who would be there to bail them out of the utter chaos they will bring on?
2) A stern lecture by a police officer, a letter from the DMV, a thoughtful discussion with a doctor - all of this is useless in the face of dementia. They can't listen and learn and take it to heart. They will nod, pleased with the attention, and keep on driving. The car has to not work, or not be there. Several people I know took the parents car in for 'inspection', and sadly, the car 'needs repairs' which have to be ordered (and that takes days, weeks, months!) After the car is gone for a while, they will forget and will have moved on to the next stage.

Heck, my police department comes to inquire about a barking dog, several times even, they most definitely will come out for a dangerous driver!

1RareFund, I completely agree with you regarding the car situation! I know for a fact that the police in my area would Take the Time to come to my home and discuss this matter if I thought it was time for my LO to stop driving. Thankfully my LO knew when it was time and relinquished his keys to his son, and signed over the title to the car. The police will come in, and suspend the drivers license, and force the person in question, to come and take an actual driving test, to prove that they are capable, and 9 times out of ten, they are not, and that's it, end of! I hope you people are thinking of this eventual time, when this definitely needs to be done, as an accident caused by a driver that should not be driving is such a sad thing, especially if there are injuries or even a death. How could you live with yourself if that happened? I couldn't!

another thing I know that I mentioned that you can alternately do is to wait for the person to drop or lay the kids down and you can just simply pick them up. This is among the other alternatives that you can do instead of vandalizing someone else's car.

Sorry but you're definitely not going to convince me so don't waste your time! I've already told you how to handle the matter, so here it is one more time

Dangerous drivers

Report to

Local police department
Highway patrol

* authorities can pull over a dangerous driver and even confiscate the car

* Authorities would never condone taking the law into your own hands by tampering with someone else's car, they would say to just call them since they are the ones trained to handle these matters.

* Video surveillance is in use

These days, police departments are hooked up to video surveillance even outside of the premises. Depending on the video surveillance, they can see as far as the street well beyond their premises.

DMV

* DMV issues drivers licenses, and they can take the license since they are part of the state

Town mayor

* Very useful in helping resolve problems with in your town, especially if you happen to have a problem with local authorities not doing their job.

If all else fails

Contact your state's safety department
Other elected officials

* Letter to the editor

Write a letter to your newspaper editor to shame the authorities into doing the right thing to remove the dangerous driver's driving privileges.

to 1Rarefind: okay, lets say my father is in bad shape but refuses to stop driving, I knowingly let him drive and he comes upon your car with your little daughter or son in it. he hits you head on and kills both your children.........so now am I at fault for knowingly let him drive? How do you feel that YOUR children have been killed because I let my father drive knowing he was incapable of doing so? would I be an accessary to the crime? and what difference is that then knowingly let someone drive drunk? there is none and I stand by my thinking as well. we can all agree to disagree. And I don't think a cop is going to be peeking in my parents garage when I disable it. there isn't that many around to be looking for stuff. I pray that no one in your family is ever hurt due to an elder that was not capable of driving but the family decided to wait until something happened........too late then. you can't bring back the innocent dead.

Our car went into the shop for repairs, so we asked mom if we could borrow hers. She said yes. We just didn't bring it back. She had a hidden set of keys. I know of a case where the kids took the car and the father took them to court. The judge listened to his testimony and immediately ruled in favor of the children. Go for it.

wolflover451,

Once again, tampering with someone's car is not a good idea, And that's where I firmly stand. No matter the intent at the time, a cop who happens to be in the area can cite you, and if I were that cop, so would I, because it's illegal to bother someone else's car and take the law into your own hands. Again, if the cops won't do anything despite a report, contact your state's safety department and file a complaint. The state highway patrol is also there to keep our roads safe, that's their job. They're very well-trained to watch for problems on the road, and they know what to look for. Don't take the law into your own hands, it will backfire on you sometime.

to Thanklessjobgiveahug
and
wolfover451giveahug
thank you..... to take actions to keep someone safe is essential if you are the caregiver, and also a moral responsibility to keep anyone that you come in contact with safe. I think that is a simple thing. I TOTALLY AGREE, your local PD or SO or SP do NOT have time to deal with something that a family member or a caretaker is responsible to do. The family has every right to disable a vehicle if there is an person not capable of trying to drive. That is not vandalism unless done in a vandal way. I sure don't want one of my family or you family hurt or killed because of performing a simple disable of a vehicle. *****

to 1rarefind: unfortunately not every town has a cop just sitting by waiting for an elderly person to come by, and they will not do anything like someone else said until an accident happens. Would "you" want the elderly person that is NOT capable of being behind a wheel just accidentally drive into a vehicle that has "YOUR" grandchildren in it or another loved one and kill them? you would be furious that this person was allowed to drive. So if disabling a car is the answer at the time, then it needs to be done. I would not want my grandchildren killed/mamed because "you" were not competent to be behind the wheel but no one wanted to make sure that "you" didn't hurt someone. Again, the authorities (cops or whoever) do NOT have the time to babysit elders that should not be driving. there would not be enough cops in any town to do that. sorry, just my opinion.

All I'm saying is it's the job of the knee authorities to take the car off the road. Don't risk getting in trouble by tampering with someone else's car. There are alternate ways around vandalizing cars such as hiding the keys. Just wait for the person to drop or lay down their keys and just pick them up. This will be quite as angering to the person you shouldn't be driving as it would be if you were to tamper with their car, causing that person the stress of a new expense of getting the car towed and repaired. What if you were tampering with someone's car and a cop happened to come by? Worse yet, what is that cop was having a bad day and decided to cite you for messing with someone else's car? They would most likely ask you why you didn't come to them to start with and make a report. Chances are they would most likely tell you don't mess with someone else's car. It's not yours, and it's not your place to take the law into your own hands. This is why we have police on the street. Tax dollars pay for this service, and they are better trained than the average citizen, because they have special schooling to be able to deal with things like this among other things. I've shared the correct way to address the problem and I'm not going to argue about it. I'm not here to fight with anyone but just to warn a very stern warning about messing with other peoples' cars. There actually have been people in my town who were successfully taken off the road without anyone tampering with their cars. Citizens around here have the common sense not to mess with other peoples cars because the consequences can be costly if some cop decides to crack down on you. Again, there are other ways to help someone off the road, and another clue again is the keys.

1Rarefind,
With all due respect, do you REALIZE what you are saying? "You can make a police report about it ahead of time so that if something happens, they already know because they will keep a record for that person and the car as well as the license plate number."
The whole idea is NOT to have "something happen" in the first place! What if her dad ran over and killed YOUR family member? So, now it's personal. Disabeling his car doesn't sound so bad now, does it? Whomever he might injure or kill is SOMEONE'S family member. Law enforcement or safety officers don't have the time to chase after demented old folks who, through no fault of their own, are still driving. Nor do they have the authority to disable or take away the car...until there's an accident. Maybe dad would die in the accident. Wouldn't you regret NOT doing 'something' to keep him off the streets when you could have?
Is the car his daughters property? No. Ethically, should she do something to make sure everyone is safe? Definitely! She would NOT get in legal trouble after she explained the situation.
For your other suggestion for a dual controlled car, yes, they do make them. Driver's Ed uses them all the time. It is for the teacher to correct a potentially catastrophic mistake by the student. The students are alert and oriented, but awkward in their movements. Dementia is not about learning and those folks are not alert/oriented nor have the ability to judge or be rational. THAT is why his license was taken away.
Just something to think about.

If he is driving when he shouldn't be, I would call Adult Protective Services about it. I did that for two friends of mine whose licenses were revoked due to dementia issues, but who continued to drive. Once APS is notified, they have to come out to interview them to assess their needs and vulnerabilities. I made sure I was there when she came so they would let her in. I explained someone had called APS and it is their job to visit them to see how they are doing. It only took a few minutes before she sized up the situation. She asked them how they got their groceries and the husband said they drove. When she mentioned that their licenses had be revoked he acted surprised. He does have memory issues. When she interviewed him alone after trying to talk to the wife alone, she asked him what he thought they should do with the car if they can't drive. He responded the should sell it and get some money out of it. At that point I was able to get their keys and move the car to a friend's garage so we could get it ready to sell. APS was the key to having success with this. Good Luck! Several months later, we got a call one morning from the husband who exclaimed "Our cars are gone!" He had forgotten about everything that had happened. They hadn't had 2 cars in 3 years and no car for about 5 months.

You don't touch someone else's car. You can get in trouble for tampering with someone's car, end of story. You don't touch someone

Another also call is your local adult protective services as well as any other senior services out there. If your local police department won't do anything, you can contact your state safety department and just tell them you took a concern to your local police department and they won't do nothing to help prevent a potentially deadly accident from happening. You can also ask to speak to the police chief on duty, but if nothing is done to remedy the problem, that's where the state safety department comes in handy, because they're called the safety department for a reason. Every state has a safety department, so you can definitely contact them if your local authorities are doing their job like they're supposed to.

TO DISABLE THE CAR YOU CAN SIMPLY DISCONNECT THE BATTERY. PURE SIMPLE... WHY WOULD YOU GET IN TROUBLE FOR SAVING AN ACCIDENT??

They have authorities are really your public servants such as policemen and state highway patrol. They're actually trained to look for problems on the road and pull over those drivers. All you have to do is contact your local authorities and tell them there is a person who should not be driving and explain why. You can make a police report about it ahead of time so that if something happens, they already know because they will keep a record for that person and the car as well as the license plate number. This is their job, not ours. Our only job is to give the information to the people who work for us because they are public servants

Just curious as to exactly WHO the 'authorities' are that are supposed to be notified, in regards to dad's deadly excursions behind the wheel. You can call the police, the DMV, and anyone else who might possibly be interested, and they will all tell you they can't do squat until he drives head-on into a school bus or rips through a street festival. ('I stepped on the brake, but the car just went faster and faster! There's something wrong with the car.') I would disable the car. I would let the air out of the tires. I would stick something into the place where you insert the key to start it up. I would remove the pedals. ANYTHING, if I couldn't man up, gather up all the keys, and drive the car away, to keep him off the road.

Hi Ready,
Since your mom has Parkinson's, she needs much more physical care than what your dad does. Does your mother's facility have an assisted living or memory care unit (for mild dementia) connected with it? Your dad sounds able bodied so he would just need to be checked on. I would not encourage him to live with her in her area.
As for the drivers license, he doesn't recognize his mental imparment, so he believes he should be able to drive. No amount of explaining from anyone is going to change his mind. He probably thinks it's a conspiracy against him.
IS he driving regardless? If yes, then something has to be done to not have him drive. He could kill himself or others. I disagree with the others who said not to disable the car. Do what you have to do to keep him and others safe. The "authorities " are overworked and don't have time to follow all the elderly around who get behind the wheel.
I would have a neurologist evaluate his mental condition. Do NOT tell him this or he will not go. Tell a white lie that he has a regular doctors' appointment. You will find out the degree of his impairment after the visit. Also, visit the Alzheimer's Association website and familiarize yourself with the different stages of dementia.
If you can find a way to get Power of Attorney I would do so. See if he'll sign you on their bank accounts. You can tell him it's so you can carry out their wishes if/when they aren't able.
I thought I'd loose my mind with my mother in that stage. It's a fine line between reality and dementia and you're the one walking the tight rope. I don't want to disillusion you but, unless there's someone else who can take over the supervision of your dad, you'll be in for the long haul.
We're all here for you as you live through it with him.

No, don't tamper with the car unless you get in trouble for it. Just call the authorities and let them handle it. You can also report to the local DMV that your dad has an impairment that can affect his safe driving and handling of a car. You can also have the state highway patrol alerted so they can also watch for the car in case he goes out. You never ever want to mess with someone else's car. You also don't know that this person won't call AAA as mentioned here because not everyone is that out of it. I knew someone with dementia who was very much with it where certain things were concerned. Again, don't ever mess with someone else's vehicle because it will likely backfire on you. Left the authorities handle it, they will know what to do and how to do their job

If he won't take no, perhaps disabling the car, if he is not a mechanic, will do the trick. Sometimes they may decide since the car/vehicle wont start, they will cancel the idea. I guess as long as he does not call AAA!!