Follow
Share

I was able to move my mom to a Memory Care facility after her stay in the hospital. I was able to convince my dad that she needs more care than he can provide right now and she really needs her meds managed better than he will be able to. As we're still trying to find the right combination and dosages, he agreed. However, he still thinks this is only short term.
I've had several conversations with my dad, but he didn't really seem to listen. Even the facility manager spoke with him recently and tried to explain that this will never be reversed and there is no cure for dementia, but he refuses to believe it. He actually called me and said "They told me there is no cure! I can't believe that!". Be continues talking about how he's going to bring her home soon and have her start taking herbs that will help heal her brain.
Legally he's the one in charge as I'm still working on getting legal documents. He's also the one paying. I'm so worried he's going to just pull her out of there and take her home and then all the stress and bad things will start all over again.
How can I possibly convince him that her mind will never recover? I understand that it's painful to let her go after 40+ years of marriage and that it's almost like grieving her death, but I really need him to accept this. I have already gone through the grief a long time ago and accepted my mom is basically gone. I've done all the reading on everything I can do I'm pretty well versed on the knowledge of Dementia now. But when I try to tell him everything I know, he won't accept it as fact. He's an old hippie and believes in natural healing. I do too, to an extent, but I also know when there's nothing more that herbs and tea can achieve.
I've been trying to convince him to come live with me, but he only wants to live with her.
I thought the hardest part of this journey would be getting my mom to a facility. I never anticipated my dad not accepting the situation for what it was. I thought he understood more than anyone else how bad her decline has been.

The truth is simple.
You may need to get emergency guardianship.
Before I get started, let me say I am relieved and happy to hear from you about this move.
BUT................you cannot have it reversed.

First of all, your father's extreme denial is not unusual. He cannot face it right now.
Secondly, with being next of kin, his denial is dangerous.
He IS hearing you and I am SO glad that the facility itself is aware and spoke with him. But the truth is that no he cannot yet accept it.
YOU NEED A "PLAN B".

Please make an appointment with the admins at the facility tomorrow. Discuss with them your mom's placement and what a lifesaver it is, but your father's extreme denial and the fact that he isn't quite getting it.
Let them know that Mom:
MUST NOT BE RELEASED TO YOUR FATHER'S CARE AND ON HIS DEMAND WITHOUT YOUR PRESENCE. EVER. EVER. EVER.
Discuss how to accomplish this.
With this on record, there WILL and can be intervention.
APS or Social Workers can get you emergency guardianship to protect both your mother and your dad. At least temporarily.

So, there needs to be a plan B and I hope you will get on it this week, and surely do hope you will continue to update us on this your journey.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

This is hard, your dad also has an aging brain, but along with that some people are realist some prefer denial, it's there safe place.

My mil was in hospital, we walked in and my father in law was all excited because my mil didn't need IV or oxygen any more , he took that as a good sign. One look at my mil I new this was bad. I couldnt for the life of me understand him, took her 2 days to finally go, he started gradually stop talking about the oxygen.

Me being more of a realist, I've came across this quite often, and I use to try to snap people outta it, thought it was my job. Then I realized, I'm not helping them or anyone, but I was very much aggravating myself and my mental health. So I've learned to just let it go. I don't think that it does anyone any good to try to get them to accept it. They will accept it when they have to.

So sorry, I'm sure this is horrible.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Anxietynacy
Report
MiaMoor Jan 24, 2025
I went through something similar. When the hospital decided to stop giving mum antibiotics I knew that it wasn't because she was better, but because she was dying.
I had to speak with the doctor, who was using euphemisms, and tell him that he needed to speak plainly with her husband because he hadn't grasped what was happening.
I broke my brother's heart when I told him matter of factly about Mum needing palliative care - I thought everyone understood except my stepdad.

I'd known that Mum wouldn't be here by Christmas since the previous one, but it seemed that only me and my daughter understood this. I hated being the voice of reason, dashing everyone's hopes and seeing the hurt. That's why I asked the doctor to do it for me, in the end.
(0)
Report
I hate to say this , but keep an eye on Dad , he could also be in early dementia .
Maybe yes , maybe no . But I’ve seen unrealistic expectations ( about their sick spouse ) in a spouse with early dementia .
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to waytomisery
Report

Would it actually be so awful to go along with his fantasy and tolerate his giving mom herbal tea that he thinks will work? You could run the herbs past her doctor and make sure there's nothing actually harmful.

In the meantime, dad needs an evaluation, and please don't plan to move him in with you. If you think you have troubles now, you will find that you have double the trouble if he's in your home. And you may not be able to get him out once he's in. If dad could go live with mom in memory care, that might solve a lot of problems.

I'm sorry the situation has taken this turn, and I hope for the best for all of you.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Fawnby
Report
MiaMoor Jan 24, 2025
There's probably no harm in the tea (although you can't be too sure) but there would be with his removing his wife from memory care.
(0)
Report
Seems to me your dad wants to be with his wife. Maybe he can move in with her and they can still live together, but under the supervision your mom needs. He can keep caring for her and giving her natural cures. She’ll get the med supervision she needs. Assisted living has lots of residents with a range of dementia problems from mild to serious, who can still function to varying degrees but aren’t escape-prone nor physically hostile, and CAN remember to press their call button if they fall down (as examples). My mom lives in an apartment in such an AL facility. There are couples living there. Often one spouse is much more capable than the other, they live together in an apartment and have the advantage of a nursing staff etc to care for them, dispense meds, etc.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to InlandMeg
Report
TouchMatters Jan 18, 2025
It is a very interesting - and thoughtful - response / idea.
I know that some spouses 'do' move in with their spouse.
Perhaps they can allow him to try it out a night or two and see how it goes. It is worth asking the facility about. Thank you for this suggestion.
(0)
Report
I too think Dad has some cognitive decline. Medicare pays for a physical once a year. Take Dad to get his and ask for a cognitive evaluation. You can hand a note to the receptionist and ask that the doctor read it.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Gosh, this sounds so stressful. I agree with many other replies but wanted to add, could you say, “Dad, sure we can try adding herbs in hopes that it will help Mom, but we can’t consider taking her out of the facility without her doctor’s approval— it wouldn’t be safe for her or for you. I know you miss her terribly and feel like the separation has gone on too long. We can talk to the facility (assuming its continuum of care?) to see what is possible in terms of you relocating to spend more time with her.” That might be a more achievable goal and maybe if phrased that way would help him too? . He may hope/ believe that his love can cure her, which of course it can’t but it would be crushing to kill that hope. Rather than forcing conversations about “she’s never getting better, you have to accept that” maybe try to focus on what IS possible in the here and now?
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Suzy23
Report

Why does he need the facts - he can hope? no?
A friend of mine told me a story years ago - when she was 18 she had cancer and was given 1-2 months to live! - She said yeah - watch me - and strength of will and change of diet 40 years later shes still around. The cancer returned 3 times actually over a course of about 20 years - each time the medical told her she had weeks to live and each time she defied them.

Dementia is a general term - used to describe a decline in cognitive function severe enough to interfere with daily life, and it encompasses a variety of conditions, including Alzheimer's disease, vascular dementia, and others.
While there are treatments available that can help manage symptoms or slow the progression of certain types of dementia, these treatments do not cure the underlying disease. Research is ongoing, and there are clinical trials exploring new therapies and interventions, including medications and approaches focused on lifestyle changes.

So is your father wrong to hope. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and leave that conversation off the agenda. Sometimes things arent curable but control-able. If it doesnt work your father will see the decline and may alter his views but in the meantime - i personally do not see hope lost. I'd hope for a way forward to manage things? My family have cured many things the doctors have said couldnt - turning to natural healing and diet changes. Is that a co-incidence. I dont think so. It may not work for everyone but dont you think its worth the effort. Not everyone operates on a pragmatic way of thinking. Maybe to allow all views and see if they work? They have for some.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Jenny10
Report

Just read your first post and I can see why this is so hard for you to accept that dad is now pushing back. It sounds like he has really been through the mill and is expecting a lot from the drugs for mom. Perhaps he is addicted to the drama. It must be very quiet at home.

Dad is 80, is mom of similar age? How long has your mom been so out of control, paranoid, etc?

I think I would try to get dad into therapy to help him manage his anxiety and depression and expectations or at least a visit with his primary. You might encourage him to be taking care of himself in order to help mom for the long haul.

I hope you are seeing a certified elder law attorney to better understand the financial options and issues. They may need Medicaid at some point and decisions made now can affect dad’s ability to remain living in his home.

This is a lot for your family. It hasn’t even been a month since Christmas, so while it is important to make the best decisions possible with the use of professionals, it’s also early days for dad to adjust to the loss of his life as he has known it. Remind him that he had been working on helping mom for quite a while and it wasn’t working. There are many meds to try. They need time to help her find the best for her. This may take awhile for him to accept.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to 97yroldmom
Report
MiaMoor Jan 24, 2025
I really don't think you can mean "addicted to the drama".
He loves his wife and misses her. Simple as that.
(0)
Report
I too think that (for the time being) having your Dad bring her the doctor-reviewed herbs and teas may not be a bad thing, but what happens when she doesn't improve?

"Legally he's the one in charge as I'm still working on getting legal documents."

Does this mean your Dad is your Mom's PoA? What documents are you working on: guardianship?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Geaton777
Report
MiaMoor Jan 24, 2025
My stepdad was legally in charge of Mum's care. Not because he had POA, but because he was her husband and next of kin. He was also the one paying (through their joint account).
Yes, I'm in the UK and not all laws are the same, but I bet rules about NOK are very similar.
(0)
Report
See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter