What do I do when my bride with stage 3 dementia is becoming more abrasive? What can I do to keep her happy and stay positive?

Please don’t think of professional care in a facility as “some home.” You are a kind and loving husband, but at some time your dear wife’s care may have an adverse effect on your own health. Then you’ll have to think about what it would be like for her if you die first and wouldn’t be there to advocate for her. You’ll need to put on your own oxygen mask first, Flyguy, so you can keep helping her.

Look at some nice facilities so you’ll have a backup plan if you need one.

It’s apparent how much you adore your wife. The two of you have shared a lifetime of love and heartache. I am so sorry that you are going through this pain now.

You know that your wife will not improve and it’s frustrating to know that you are helpless in this situation.

I hope you also remember the woman that you fell in love with. Wouldn’t she want you to take care of yourself?

If the situation were reversed what would you want for her?

Wouldn’t you want all of the responsibility of your care to be taken care of by a professional staff so that she could return to being your wife who will then become an advocate for you in a facility?

That’s exactly what I have told my husband who will oversee my care in a facility, if I ever need more help than he can possibly provide for me. He can visit me as my loving husband instead of struggling to care for me at home.

Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult period in your life.

What a loving husband you are . I’m so sorry . This is so difficult for both of you . You are both grieving due to your wife’s conditions. It is hard for her to stay positive . She will lose more control of her emotions and behavior as dementia progresses, possibly become more unpredictable. I’m sure she loves you .

Is there any music she likes to listen too?
Would she like for you to read to her ?
Possibly look at photo albums ?
Plan a date at home. Watch a TV show she likes ( or a movie if it’s not too long for her ) . Then have a nice dinner at home with flowers in a vase .

Is your wife on any antidepressants ?

You are correct in that you can not fix her . All you can do is love her .

I am so sorry you are going through this experience. You sound like a nice, caring person.
I wish you could see my mom light up when nurses, aides, and the lady who cuts her hair pay attention to her and fawn over her. For me and my sister, she's sullen and disappointed. She is moving to memory care soon, where several people a day will help her and chat away, and give her new things to look at and think about.

I would hate to be a burden on my wonderful husband. I already know he couldn't take care of me at home all the way to the end of my life, even with occasional help. It's a job for shifts of pros.

Moving your wife to skilled nursing may very well be the best thing for her and for you. It will be an adjustment. You can visit her, fresh, rested and ready. Her health will continue to deteriorate, and you will feel guilt and grief whether she's in a bed at home or in a skilled nursing bed. You're only human. Don't wear yourself out.

As dementia worsens, one can lose their filters, thus why at times your wife seems more "abrasive." Sadly that can come with the territory.
But know that you're doing a great job, and that you're only human.
You must also remember that it is the disease talking and not the loving wife you once knew.
It's hard...I know, but all you can do is your very best, and you're already doing that. So hang in there, and know that this too shall pass.
And if things get too much for you, please don't jeopardize your own health by not placing her in the appropriate facility. She would not want you to lose your health or life over caring for her, I'm sure if she were in her right mind. You matter too in this equation...don't forget that.
I wish you good health, peace and joy as you take this difficult journey with your wife.

You have said a lot here about yourself. That's normal. It's YOU writing this.
My question for you is, what about HER?
I am a retired RN. I read what you have written about what your Bride's life has been for these last years, and for myself, it is not something I would want for myself any more. There comes a time for people this ill when living, even living for your GROOM, is simply too much to ask or too much to endure.

I would talk with your beloved and find out if she is tired, if she is longing for peace. Many patients of mine felt they could not tell their loved ones that life was too difficult for them, and that they longed for the final peace of death. So they spoke of this to their nurses, complete strangers. To me, that was always terribly sad.
It may be time to face the fact that we, none of us, live forever, and that the cost of great love is great loss.
Your beloved wife may wish now for the peace of palliative care or hospice, and for the final release of the peace of death.

Now I could be wrong. Your wife may rather wish to fight on to the very last, and that is her own choice to make for herself. But with all that is on her plate I cannot imagine a place for "happiness" in that.

I am 81. My partner is 83. We have known for a number of years that one of us will be leaving the other, either suddenly or in a more prolonged way. It is inevitable.
We are the only animal that must contemplate our certain end.
We each hope to pass before the other. Being both fragile AND alone is a fearsome thing. But the truth is that there is little choice in all of this.

I am so very sorry for the pain and the anguish. I so wish you peace, and the very best.
I know you will discuss with her MD the agitation, and ask for any advice about medications that might help, but in the end, there is so little but sedation to ease our way.

I want each of you who responded how very much I appreciate the time you took to write. It's no secret I have shed numerous tears alone praying that I can please care for her until she is called home. Thank you again so very much......

Gees I feel for you . the person you have to take care of is you . Have you considered Palliative care or hospice ? I would suggest walks , Music , gardening . As For you have a social worker to help you and ask the doctor to have a VNA Nurse to come in - get all the support you can - even meals on wheels . I had a CNA coming in to bathe my Dad and do Laundry and Light House keeping - it gave me a break to run out and do errands . They always lash Out at the primary caregiver because they feel safe with you . I would take My Dad to Maine to old orchard beach because it held so many memories for him and he Liked Live Music and dancing .