Today is my birthday, and I know because of my husbands dementia he can't remember. Should I ask my son to buy a card for him to give to me so he does not feel bad or just let it go.
Well, here's my story of yesterday. Background: Last year husband with Alzheimer's was so so upset that he forgot my birthday and our anniversary, he made me promise to remind him . Well yesterday I told that to my daughter so she took him out to buy me a little flower pot for my birthday. But by the time he got home with it .... He was completely confused thinking it was for her, they were her flowers. I finally gently told him they were for me from him and he was blown away and even more confused and upset flustered over the whole thing... It was a hot mess. Now I completely regret bringing it up. I feel like a selfish idiot for trying to help him feel better when it should have just gone unannounced and not frustrating moments at all. My advice? Forget it and move on. I'll NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. and it's okay. I'll live. Good luck dear..
This is a really thoughtful way to handle it. My late husband with dementia was in a facility. On our anniversary, I took a card for him, a real simplistic one and our wedding photo book which we looked at together. I also had a pillow made up with our picture on it (that he immediately started hugging). I did not expect him to remember anniversaries, birthdays etc. One staffer later told me that my husband used to kiss the pillow as he hugged it. I did not expect anything from my husband on my birthday. For me, it was all about just making him happy and comfortable at that stage of his life/illness.
You can buy yourself flowers. You can share your birthday cake (get it yourself) with your husband.
It is too confusing for anyone to be manipulated, whether they have dementia or not. And bringing your son into this to honor yourself on your birthday is way too much drama.
Happy Birthday Cheeky!
Song by Miley Cyrus, excerpt I can buy myself flowers (oh) Write my name in the sand (mm) Talk to myself for hours (yeah) Say things you don't understand (you never will) I can take myself dancing, yeah I can hold my own hand Yeah, I can love me better than you can
Dementia is hard enough for a person so saying it is your birthday may just upset him. How many of us here had spouses or boyfriends who totally forgot it was your birthday/anniversary/first day you met/kissed, and they didn't have dementia?
I wouldn't do a thing about this. I always thought a lot of the celebration of such stuff is for kids anyway. It always amazes me when folks are "hurt" over someone forgetting the day of anniversaries or birthdays.
If later he said to me "OMG I FORGOT your BD!!!!" I would just laugh and say "Thank goodness! Means I am still only 81, and don't have to think about 82 until next year".
Agree. My husband hasn't remembered my b'day for the last couple of years and that's fine by me. I'd just as soon not remember it either since it just means I'm a year OLDer. Who needs that? This year I ordered a cake and we both enjoyed it.
Same with anniversary. We used to go out to a nice restaurant for dinner but not the last few years, especially during and since COVID.
I think your son could go to him saying, "today is Mom's birthday, shall we give her a card?" And offer a card already purchased for the occasion, so your husband can feel good about being involved. Other than that, I would let it go. Birthdays and anniversarys will never be the same. I will usually tell my husband cheerfully what day / occasion it is, and make or buy a special dinner or treat to share with him in celebration. He is pleasantly surprised when I tell him the occasion, then forgets an hour later. I have learned to celebrate it myself in quiet reflection.
Definitely agree with you! Unfortunately it won’t ever be the same, special dinner and just being with him is enough for me right now! It’s the disease, NOT the man!
You can tell him, but don’t dwell on it. But if there’s anyway you can treat yourself to a nice dinner out, or lunch, brunch whatever. Have your nails done or whatever you like to be pampered with, please do so. If your idea of pampering is sitting and reading, then do that.
Just remember your husband loves you, but his brain won’t allow him to show it on the ways he used to.
Just enjoy a nice meal together(order it to be delivered)and of course have a birthday cake or at least a couple cupcakes, and don't worry about a card. I hope you have a Happy Birthday!!!
When my late husband(who had vascular dementia)was still mobile, he would want me to take him to Walmart so he could pick out cards for me for my birthday(I would remind him ahead of time as I actually like my birthday) Valentine's and the like. And the last birthday that he was able to go, he picked out a beautiful card that he was excited to give me, and because it was for my birthday I didn't look at it until my birthday even though I was the one to pay for it. And when I opened it on my birthday, the heading across the top of the card said Happy Birthday To My Very Special Mother. Of course I never told him exactly what it said and I just thanked him for such a beautiful card.
I love this answer. We don’t go out to much more than trips to the doctor, so like you mention, it is fun to get takeout. And my last card picked out at a store turned out to be a Valentines Day card I got on Christmas. It was sweet, and I didn’t go there either.
Funny story, not with hubs but mom. I told her it was my 60th birthday. She glanced around furtively and whispered, "Be quiet! How old will they think I am?" This became one of my favorite mom memories! 😁
My 79th birthday was the 2 days ago. I made no mention of it, my Wife with AD doesn't know what month it is if asked. I knew she'd be upset for a brief time and figured what' s the point of any upset? So, I made arrangements with our kids to not mention it, except in Texts to me and a phone call with one of them. Then we went out with friends of 30 years who also knew why we were dining out but it wasn't to be mentioned. I got a night off from cooking, etc and some quality time and conversation with people who understand.
Do what will support you to feel good. If your son purchases a card for your husband and gives it to him to sign ... will your husband understand what the card means? that it is your birthday?
Put your own needs first. He won't feel 'bad' either way as with dementia, he will forget about it very soon. The other way to handle it - perhaps as I might if in your situation (but no one really knows unless they are actually in your situation) is:
Buy party hats. Buy a cake. Make it a celebrate for the two of you. Whether he 'gets it' that its your birthday is more irrelevant that the two of you sharing a special moment together. He might get 'party time' and that will be a lovely experience for both of you.
Try to let go of expectations ... As having them will only cause you pain, disappointment, and sadness. Focus on the little things that give you joy, with him. These are the special moments - and birthdays on a calendar is just that ... we are all in the process of aging moment by moment, second by second ... the calendar is really secondary. Of course, that might be hard to grasp since we are conditioned and used to 'knowing' / 'processing' time by the year.
Perhaps if he is able / into it, get clay or paints to do something creative and fun together with color. Or get body paint and paint each other ... or something along those lines. We are only limited by our imagination.
Enjoy the process of the moments. Oh... and happy birthday from me and all of us on this site. How many candles will be on your cake ... okay, you don't have to tell me.
Background:
Last year husband with Alzheimer's was so so upset that he forgot my birthday and our anniversary, he made me promise to remind him . Well yesterday I told that to my daughter so she took him out to buy me a little flower pot for my birthday. But by the time he got home with it .... He was completely confused thinking it was for her, they were her flowers. I finally gently told him they were for me from him and he was blown away and even more confused and upset flustered over the whole thing... It was a hot mess. Now I completely regret bringing it up. I feel like a selfish idiot for trying to help him feel better when it should have just gone unannounced and not frustrating moments at all.
My advice? Forget it and move on.
I'll NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. and it's okay. I'll live.
Good luck dear..
You can share your birthday cake (get it yourself) with your husband.
It is too confusing for anyone to be manipulated, whether they have dementia or not. And bringing your son into this to honor yourself on your birthday is way too much drama.
Happy Birthday Cheeky!
Song by Miley Cyrus, excerpt
I can buy myself flowers (oh)
Write my name in the sand (mm)
Talk to myself for hours (yeah)
Say things you don't understand (you never will)
I can take myself dancing, yeah
I can hold my own hand
Yeah, I can love me better than you can
If later he said to me "OMG I FORGOT your BD!!!!" I would just laugh and say "Thank goodness! Means I am still only 81, and don't have to think about 82 until next year".
Same with anniversary. We used to go out to a nice restaurant for dinner but not the last few years, especially during and since COVID.
Other than that, I would let it go. Birthdays and anniversarys will never be the same. I will usually tell my husband cheerfully what day / occasion it is, and make or buy a special dinner or treat to share with him in celebration. He is pleasantly surprised when I tell him the occasion, then forgets an hour later. I have learned to celebrate it myself in quiet reflection.
Just remember your husband loves you, but his brain won’t allow him to show it on the ways he used to.
I hope you have a Happy Birthday!!!
When my late husband(who had vascular dementia)was still mobile, he would want me to take him to Walmart so he could pick out cards for me for my birthday(I would remind him ahead of time as I actually like my birthday) Valentine's and the like. And the last birthday that he was able to go, he picked out a beautiful card that he was excited to give me, and because it was for my birthday I didn't look at it until my birthday even though I was the one to pay for it.
And when I opened it on my birthday, the heading across the top of the card said Happy Birthday To My Very Special Mother. Of course I never told him exactly what it said and I just thanked him for such a beautiful card.
If your son purchases a card for your husband and gives it to him to sign ... will your husband understand what the card means? that it is your birthday?
Put your own needs first.
He won't feel 'bad' either way as with dementia, he will forget about it very soon. The other way to handle it - perhaps as I might if in your situation (but no one really knows unless they are actually in your situation) is:
Buy party hats.
Buy a cake.
Make it a celebrate for the two of you.
Whether he 'gets it' that its your birthday is more irrelevant that the two of you sharing a special moment together. He might get 'party time' and that will be a lovely experience for both of you.
Try to let go of expectations ... As having them will only cause you pain, disappointment, and sadness. Focus on the little things that give you joy, with him. These are the special moments - and birthdays on a calendar is just that ... we are all in the process of aging moment by moment, second by second ... the calendar is really secondary. Of course, that might be hard to grasp since we are conditioned and used to 'knowing' / 'processing' time by the year.
Perhaps if he is able / into it, get clay or paints to do something creative and fun together with color. Or get body paint and paint each other ... or something along those lines. We are only limited by our imagination.
Enjoy the process of the moments. Oh... and happy birthday from me and all of us on this site. How many candles will be on your cake ... okay, you don't have to tell me.
Gena / Touch Matters