Today is my birthday, and I know because of my husbands dementia he can't remember. Should I ask my son to buy a card for him to give to me so he does not feel bad or just let it go.
Yes! Celebrate all the important moments in life. Have son get the card and have his dad sign it. Get a special dessert to share. Do fun and special things together. Make memories - mostly for you - and take pictures.
Let it go. The old him, prior to dementia, would have felt bad for not remembering your birthday. The new him with dementia doesn't have the capacity to remember or feel bad. if you are celebrating your birthday, just set the cake out and say today is my birthday and we are celebrating with cake, would you like a piece?
I find that my moms moods mimic my own. If I am happy and talkative, she joins the party! Hopefully your husband will do the same.
I bought cards and flowers for Dad to give to Mom so he would feel involved with the occasion. Mom didn't care about gifts, but it made Dad happy. As Mom deteriorated I bought birthday cards for close family and had Mom sign them. Then I mailed them for her. I also bought her flowers "from Dad" on her birthday, their anniversary and Mother's Day. Simple things that made everyone happy. I know this advice is too late, but I also have to tell my husband that it will be my birthday/our anniversary and what I want. I keep it simple. It makes him feel good to know he can make me happy.
I miss my mother so much. I was able to care for her when her health was diminishing, and would not trade that time for anything. Nowadays, I help others that are experiencing the aging phases of life. Every now I see a post here that helps. Knowing that my mom did not remember my birthday was sad at first, but I quickly remembered that her disease was not about me. Hallmark was a favorite store of hers, so I would buy cards for her to "sign" and give b/c it brought her joy. These cards were not just for my bday, but other occasions, too. Sometimes, we "gave" cards to ourselves. These memories are special. Eventually she was not even sure what a birthday was, nor what the purpose of cards were. Although that was another difficult reality, it was completely understandable. We did not make it an issue with her, since it was our "issue", not hers. Hope that helps add to your healing. Peace.
Do what will support you to feel good. If your son purchases a card for your husband and gives it to him to sign ... will your husband understand what the card means? that it is your birthday?
Put your own needs first. He won't feel 'bad' either way as with dementia, he will forget about it very soon. The other way to handle it - perhaps as I might if in your situation (but no one really knows unless they are actually in your situation) is:
Buy party hats. Buy a cake. Make it a celebrate for the two of you. Whether he 'gets it' that its your birthday is more irrelevant that the two of you sharing a special moment together. He might get 'party time' and that will be a lovely experience for both of you.
Try to let go of expectations ... As having them will only cause you pain, disappointment, and sadness. Focus on the little things that give you joy, with him. These are the special moments - and birthdays on a calendar is just that ... we are all in the process of aging moment by moment, second by second ... the calendar is really secondary. Of course, that might be hard to grasp since we are conditioned and used to 'knowing' / 'processing' time by the year.
Perhaps if he is able / into it, get clay or paints to do something creative and fun together with color. Or get body paint and paint each other ... or something along those lines. We are only limited by our imagination.
Enjoy the process of the moments. Oh... and happy birthday from me and all of us on this site. How many candles will be on your cake ... okay, you don't have to tell me.
I would just say casually, today is my birthday, how about that. If he mentions he didn't get a card, just tell him yes, he did, or it's probably still in the mail. Been there, done that. If he wants to get something and insists, just take him to a store and he can buy some nice box of candy or a cute little pin or something. In time he won't remember this either. Been there, done that. My husband looked at our wedding pictures and photos throughout the years, he insisted the picture of me was not me, but the him in the picture was him. Hurt like hell, but it is what it is. Can't change what can't be changed. My heart ached, but I got over it. i=It wasn't him talking, but the disease. Be brave, it hurts, but try anyway. Good luck.
My 79th birthday was the 2 days ago. I made no mention of it, my Wife with AD doesn't know what month it is if asked. I knew she'd be upset for a brief time and figured what' s the point of any upset? So, I made arrangements with our kids to not mention it, except in Texts to me and a phone call with one of them. Then we went out with friends of 30 years who also knew why we were dining out but it wasn't to be mentioned. I got a night off from cooking, etc and some quality time and conversation with people who understand.
I hate birthdays, but on my birthday, I get some of my close friends and relatives a small gift for putting up with me for another year. (Amazon can send a box of cookies almost anywhere overnight for less than $15.)
I suggest that you have your birthday cake and eat it, too! Why don't you have your son let hubby know your birthday is coming soon (there's no need to mention it's today) and let the two of them plan something for you—even if it's just a card? That way, he can feel included.
And for sure - DOCTOR'S ORDERS - do something for yourself to celebrate that you've put up with all of them for another year, too. I always do!!!
Let it go. Needing something from someone who is in serious trouble isn't loving him. You're asking him to love you, when he's losing - and this is not of his own doing- the ability to show it, or to remember the feeling. What is so important about birthdays, anyway?
It isn't up to you to decide / determine what '(isn't) loving him means. It is important to put yourself in the position (feelings) of the person writing 'us' here. I shared some similar feelings about 'birthdays,' although I was / am very sensitive to the writer. This process of losing a person to dementia is painful, grief stricken sadness. We need to be kind to each other. And, especially those who are vulnerable and asking us questions.
Getting out of yourself and into another person's feelings is one of the greatest gifts we can learn.
I bought a Birthday card for my dad to give to mom. ( May Birthday ) 2012 He was in skilled care. He was excited to give it to her. it was to be the last one. Although we didn’t know at the time but I felt the need to do this. I’m so glad I did. Dad passed away later that year. And mom in 2022.
After Mom died I found cards for me, my sister and brother, all signed by Mom. She could barely write and that simple, "Love, Mom" in her shakey hand was a precious gift.
Happy Birthday, Cheeky79! I hope you treated yourself to some fun. Your husband might not have remembered your birthday, but some of your family and us on the Forum did.
If you are a person who likes a big birthday bash, then have your own celebration without involving your husband.
Did your husband go all out for your birthday in the past? If he did, you probably miss those days. Sadly, things have changed for each of you.
Birthdays can be wonderful and special for most people when they are young. As we age, they may not have the same appeal to us.
So, celebrating a birthday is a personal preference.
My dad grew up extremely poor and his family weren’t able to afford birthday gifts and parties. Same thing for Christmas, so he had absolutely no frame of reference regarding celebrations.
My mother fully understood that birthdays and other holidays were just another day for my father.
As the years passed, daddy did start enjoying our birthday and holiday celebrations, along with my mom. Mom’s family did celebrate birthdays and holidays. We appreciated each of our parents for how they felt.
We didn’t burden our parents with feeling as if they were expected to celebrate anyone’s birthdays later on in their lives.
Your husband is at a time in his life where birthdays are just another day to him. Don’t expect too much from your husband. Accept him for who he is today. Cherish the special memories that you once had with him. They will live on forever in your heart.
Let it go. If he knows that he forgot, he will feel bad. Or, he might not even be able to comprehend birthdays, at this point. Or, he might forget in a few minutes. Why burden him?
I would not bother to tell him, or to have your son intervene. Just enjoy your day your own way. Birthday celebrations are great for children, anyway, not so much for adults. BTW, happy birthday.
Funny story, not with hubs but mom. I told her it was my 60th birthday. She glanced around furtively and whispered, "Be quiet! How old will they think I am?" This became one of my favorite mom memories! 😁
I have had my husbands caregiver take him out to get me card for special occasions (VD) and it has worked out well. If your son is local I think you could have done that.
i forgot to do that for my birthday. Which is today. My husband is having a difficult day and I think it’s because others have been calling me and I opened cards around him. I think he feels bad , maybe he doesn’t even know why. Definitely not my best birthday.
I think I’ll take some of the advice below to turn it around. Buy some cupcakes for dessert, maybe get a take out meal. Buy myself tulips too. I feel better already.
I got over my husband remembering my birthday a long time ago. 😆 I just tell him tomorrow is my bday and we are going to Vermont for the day. And he doesn't have memory issues. But it works for us!
So don't feel bad, treat yourself to some things special!
When my husband w/frontotemporal degeneration was in a nursing home as a private-pay resident, I'd buy a card for my birthday and our anniversary and give it to the social worker. He'd sign my husband's name and give it to my husband to give to me when I visited on those days.
You can tell him, but don’t dwell on it. But if there’s anyway you can treat yourself to a nice dinner out, or lunch, brunch whatever. Have your nails done or whatever you like to be pampered with, please do so. If your idea of pampering is sitting and reading, then do that.
Just remember your husband loves you, but his brain won’t allow him to show it on the ways he used to.
I think your son could go to him saying, "today is Mom's birthday, shall we give her a card?" And offer a card already purchased for the occasion, so your husband can feel good about being involved. Other than that, I would let it go. Birthdays and anniversarys will never be the same. I will usually tell my husband cheerfully what day / occasion it is, and make or buy a special dinner or treat to share with him in celebration. He is pleasantly surprised when I tell him the occasion, then forgets an hour later. I have learned to celebrate it myself in quiet reflection.
Definitely agree with you! Unfortunately it won’t ever be the same, special dinner and just being with him is enough for me right now! It’s the disease, NOT the man!
I went through this very important subject with my husband . Our birthdays and our anniversary were always special to us. For more than 40 years, he was always very sweet, thoughtful and enthusiastic about "our" holidays. Now that his alzheimers is progressing, he doesn't remember them even when I would mention it. Last year we went to the store together and picked them out. He was happy with that and I was okay with it. But this year is different...I cannot even mention anything about birthdays, etc. This year, I decided to have his daughter and grandchildren over on his birthday. He loved it but didn't know they were there later. This year I celebrated my 71st birthday with my 6 siblings and tried to shield my husband from the terror in his eyes when he thinks he's forgotten. I realized I had to get rid of my wounded feelings before I can help him and I cope with this journey we are on...hope it helps!
Well, here's my story of yesterday. Background: Last year husband with Alzheimer's was so so upset that he forgot my birthday and our anniversary, he made me promise to remind him . Well yesterday I told that to my daughter so she took him out to buy me a little flower pot for my birthday. But by the time he got home with it .... He was completely confused thinking it was for her, they were her flowers. I finally gently told him they were for me from him and he was blown away and even more confused and upset flustered over the whole thing... It was a hot mess. Now I completely regret bringing it up. I feel like a selfish idiot for trying to help him feel better when it should have just gone unannounced and not frustrating moments at all. My advice? Forget it and move on. I'll NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. and it's okay. I'll live. Good luck dear..
This is a really thoughtful way to handle it. My late husband with dementia was in a facility. On our anniversary, I took a card for him, a real simplistic one and our wedding photo book which we looked at together. I also had a pillow made up with our picture on it (that he immediately started hugging). I did not expect him to remember anniversaries, birthdays etc. One staffer later told me that my husband used to kiss the pillow as he hugged it. I did not expect anything from my husband on my birthday. For me, it was all about just making him happy and comfortable at that stage of his life/illness.
I have saved a few cards my hubby and I have given each other, signed with our sentiments and emotions from the past. A few days before special days (valentines, anniversary, etc.) I show him the cards and ask him which one he wants to give me. We then exchange cards and I read them to him. He always bought me flowers for my birthday, so I buy an inexpensive bouquet and tell him "thank you for my beautiful flowers ". If he can go with you, the better. My hubby's memory is such that if I tell him he bought me flowers and/or a card, then he thinks he bought me flowers and a card.
I find that my moms moods mimic my own. If I am happy and talkative, she joins the party! Hopefully your husband will do the same.
Nowadays, I help others that are experiencing the aging phases of life. Every now I see a post here that helps.
Knowing that my mom did not remember my birthday was sad at first, but I quickly remembered that her disease was not about me. Hallmark was a favorite store of hers, so I would buy cards for her to "sign" and give b/c it brought her joy. These cards were not just for my bday, but other occasions, too. Sometimes, we "gave" cards to ourselves. These memories are special. Eventually she was not even sure what a birthday was, nor what the purpose of cards were. Although that was another difficult reality, it was completely understandable. We did not make it an issue with her, since it was our "issue", not hers.
Hope that helps add to your healing.
Peace.
If your son purchases a card for your husband and gives it to him to sign ... will your husband understand what the card means? that it is your birthday?
Put your own needs first.
He won't feel 'bad' either way as with dementia, he will forget about it very soon. The other way to handle it - perhaps as I might if in your situation (but no one really knows unless they are actually in your situation) is:
Buy party hats.
Buy a cake.
Make it a celebrate for the two of you.
Whether he 'gets it' that its your birthday is more irrelevant that the two of you sharing a special moment together. He might get 'party time' and that will be a lovely experience for both of you.
Try to let go of expectations ... As having them will only cause you pain, disappointment, and sadness. Focus on the little things that give you joy, with him. These are the special moments - and birthdays on a calendar is just that ... we are all in the process of aging moment by moment, second by second ... the calendar is really secondary. Of course, that might be hard to grasp since we are conditioned and used to 'knowing' / 'processing' time by the year.
Perhaps if he is able / into it, get clay or paints to do something creative and fun together with color. Or get body paint and paint each other ... or something along those lines. We are only limited by our imagination.
Enjoy the process of the moments. Oh... and happy birthday from me and all of us on this site. How many candles will be on your cake ... okay, you don't have to tell me.
Gena / Touch Matters
I suggest that you have your birthday cake and eat it, too! Why don't you have your son let hubby know your birthday is coming soon (there's no need to mention it's today) and let the two of them plan something for you—even if it's just a card? That way, he can feel included.
And for sure - DOCTOR'S ORDERS - do something for yourself to celebrate that you've put up with all of them for another year, too. I always do!!!
Getting out of yourself and into another person's feelings is one of the greatest gifts we can learn.
I think you should do something nice for yourself to celebrate you. And cake. Lots of cake.
Seriously, I think if it were me, I would let the rest go. But that's me. In the end, do what your heart tells you that you can live with.
Sending birthday hugs!
((( )))
He was in skilled care.
He was excited to give it to her.
it was to be the last one. Although we didn’t know at the time but I felt the need to do this. I’m so glad I did.
Dad passed away later that year. And mom in 2022.
I found the card in her things. 💏
Secondly, how do you view birthdays overall?
If you are a person who likes a big birthday bash, then have your own celebration without involving your husband.
Did your husband go all out for your birthday in the past? If he did, you probably miss those days. Sadly, things have changed for each of you.
Birthdays can be wonderful and special for most people when they are young. As we age, they may not have the same appeal to us.
So, celebrating a birthday is a personal preference.
My dad grew up extremely poor and his family weren’t able to afford birthday gifts and parties. Same thing for Christmas, so he had absolutely no frame of reference regarding celebrations.
My mother fully understood that birthdays and other holidays were just another day for my father.
As the years passed, daddy did start enjoying our birthday and holiday celebrations, along with my mom. Mom’s family did celebrate birthdays and holidays. We appreciated each of our parents for how they felt.
We didn’t burden our parents with feeling as if they were expected to celebrate anyone’s birthdays later on in their lives.
Your husband is at a time in his life where birthdays are just another day to him. Don’t expect too much from your husband. Accept him for who he is today. Cherish the special memories that you once had with him. They will live on forever in your heart.
If he knows that he forgot, he will feel bad. Or, he might not even be able to comprehend birthdays, at this point. Or, he might forget in a few minutes.
Why burden him?
i forgot to do that for my birthday. Which is today. My husband is having a difficult day and I think it’s because others have been calling me and I opened cards around him. I think he feels bad , maybe he doesn’t even know why. Definitely not my best birthday.
I think I’ll take some of the advice below to turn it around. Buy some cupcakes for dessert, maybe get a take out meal. Buy myself tulips too.
I feel better already.
I got over my husband remembering my birthday a long time ago. 😆
I just tell him tomorrow is my bday and we are going to Vermont for the day. And he doesn't have memory issues. But it works for us!
So don't feel bad, treat yourself to some things special!
Just remember your husband loves you, but his brain won’t allow him to show it on the ways he used to.
Other than that, I would let it go. Birthdays and anniversarys will never be the same. I will usually tell my husband cheerfully what day / occasion it is, and make or buy a special dinner or treat to share with him in celebration. He is pleasantly surprised when I tell him the occasion, then forgets an hour later. I have learned to celebrate it myself in quiet reflection.
Background:
Last year husband with Alzheimer's was so so upset that he forgot my birthday and our anniversary, he made me promise to remind him . Well yesterday I told that to my daughter so she took him out to buy me a little flower pot for my birthday. But by the time he got home with it .... He was completely confused thinking it was for her, they were her flowers. I finally gently told him they were for me from him and he was blown away and even more confused and upset flustered over the whole thing... It was a hot mess. Now I completely regret bringing it up. I feel like a selfish idiot for trying to help him feel better when it should have just gone unannounced and not frustrating moments at all.
My advice? Forget it and move on.
I'll NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. and it's okay. I'll live.
Good luck dear..