My Dad is 82 and an alcoholic who obviously needs to go into assisted living or find full-time care at home, but consistently refuses to do so. He will tell me one day that he wants someone to "live-in" with him, but wants to pay a wage so low that no one would consider it. I found someone who was willing to take his low rate of pay, then he changed his mind about what he wanted to pay them and wanted to pay less. The next day he will tell me he wants to go to assisted living, but complains the place is like a prison. (I'd move in myself tomorrow if it were up to me honestly.) He keeps changing his mind and shifting the goal-posts so that it makes it impossible for me to do anything. On top of this, all of my siblings are full of good ideas about things we (my husband and I) can do to help him, while completely ignoring the fact that we both work and we also have a minor-aged daughter who is experiencing mood instability and severe depression. She is in now in intensive therapy that takes up an enormous amount of time and just came out of her third acute hospitalization.
Dad's last thing is that he is now refusing to eat. If I am there, all day long, he might (with coaxing) eat 600 calories. He is severely malnourished and losing weight. I cannot get him to go the doctor's office and he refuses to go in the ambulance.
He's had three pretty severe falls (though how he's managed not to break anything is anybody's guess) in the past month. We simply can't keep helping my Dad or doing the things my siblings are suggesting by ourselves anymore. Yet, anytime we try to hire anyone, Dad claims they are "too expensive" even though he can well afford the help.
Trying to care for him plus take care of our daughter is putting enormous amounts of stress on both of us physically and mentally, not to mention a huge strain on our marriage. We're both on high blood pressure medication now and both our doctor's have attributed it to stress. I keep telling my siblings "that's a great suggestion, but I don't have time to do that with our daughter's therapy schedule." It goes in one ear and out the other. And Dad will call me yelling and screaming about how he took care of me and now it's my turn to take care of him. I just can't do it. And moving in with us is not an option. We cannot have his alcoholism and his stress in our home with our daughter who is already having severe issues. If anyone has any advice about what to do, I would really welcome it. We just can't continue to deal with the situation as it is. Honestly, if it weren't for my husband's job, I'd move out of state and disappear.
Take 3 giant steps away from your manipulative and mentally illl dad. Call local Adult Protective Services and report him as a vulnerable elder.
I understand that you care about what happens to your dad. You love him. But you can't love him more than he loves himself.
Your daughter had, quite literally, NO one else to parent her through the rocky shoals of adolescence. Your father has other children and he can become a ward of the state. In other words, there are alternatives for him. Not so for your daughter.
Do not move him into your home under any circumstances. You now just have to wait for that crisis that takes him to the ER. Refuse to take him home. Let a social worker find a place for him. Your father won't like it but who here gets everything they want.
You have your hands full with your daughter and she needs all you time and attention right now. You must not succumb to your father's manipulation and guilt trips. Screen his calls. Do not pick up when he calls, let it go to voice mail. Don't stop by the house and try to get him to eat. Make a weekly trip with some groceries and just to check on things. When he starts laying a guilt trip or yelling at you just leave. Don't try to explain. At 82 and an alcoholic your father isn't going to change his ways and suddenly be reasonable. This will only get worse. Let the crisis happen so it can get sorted sooner rather than later.
You and your husband are very much at risk of dying yourselves because of the stress that his bad choices and manipulation put on your lives. You need to think about what happens to your daughter if you or your husband die because of your dad. That should be enough encouragement to tell him enough is enough already and to tell your siblings that they are welcome to step in and put their ideas to work or shut up.
You have to let him fail without you propping him up. That is the only way that change for him will happen. Block his number and your siblings and call APS about a vulnerable senior and let him deal with the consequences of his choices.
Please, for your daughters sake do not become a statistic.
You can do this, you can be strong enough to say no more, starting now.
I've written on others posts, last year a Social Worker gave me this advice that helped me.
1. Discuss current situation & warn of dangers you see.
2. Suggest alternatives.
3. Let person make their decision.
4. Step back & let the consequences be theirs.
You have pointed out the issues & suggested AL but organising a move could well be beyond his capabilities. You may not be able to accomplish it yourself without the legal framework (ie guardianship).
I found a mini-break to get away was my turning point - when I stepped back *without the guilt*. Being physically away helped reset me mentally so I could reassess & re-prioritise going forward. (Which was no longer helping support living at home alone).
No harm in saying something like, "You do it your way Dad. But if you get unwell, please go to your Doctor". Call him daily for your own peace of mind if you need to. Be ready to call ambulance if a fall - dehydration is a common culprit & if not eating or drinking properly this will happen sooner rather than later.
Seriously. People who aren't there should just shut up.
And do what BB says, below. Once they've helped your father get himself sorted out, you will then be able to establish a sensible visiting schedule and perhaps supplement whatever services he is using - you're not abandoning him forever, and you're certainly not indifferent to his welfare. But you CAN'T meet his needs, and it's best to get out of the way of professionals who can.
Wishing you the best of luck dealing with all that's on your plate right now, and sending you a big hug too
Please seek help, institute boundaries, ignore his threats and let me take his life in his own hands. You owe him absolutely nothing, regardless of his opinions.