My 81 year old Dad has taken over my home and I hide in my room. Any advice?

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He has a tantrum when I try to assert how I want things. He rips items out of my hands saying he wants to do the task, asserting that he wants to earn his keep and stay useful. He has taken over taking care of my dogs, does all the grocery shopping (with my credit card), holds onto my set of keys for my apartment (it's not possible to make more copies of the keys; it's part of my rental agreement) and so I have to buzz to get into my own home. He moves all the cleaning supplies, rearranges my cabinets and linen closet, insists on doing ALL the laundry, the dishes, etc. I effectively stay in my room all day, cajoled into submission -- he makes it clear that he NEEDS to stay active in order to live longer. My life is not my own. I feel just like I did when I was a little kid. My parents would just leave me in my room all day when I wasn't at school. Please help. The only way I can stand up for myself leads to him throwing a tantrum and calling me ungrateful and showing me how hurt his feelings are that I don't just love sitting on my bum all day. What's happening here and what can I do to effectively take my home back without rejecting my dad?

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EanneNO, do you have an update for us as your last post was over a year ago.
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If your Dad needs to feel useful and he can do all you have said then perhaps he should look for a part time job or do volunteer work. It will do him a world of good to be productive in the outside world. I rwalize he has lnguage barriers but if he is as charming as you say then he can get around that. People do it all the time. You gotta get Dad out and busy! Best of luck.
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It sounds like a case of elder abuse on the part of your brother. It might be helpful for you to find someone in your area who deals with Aging agencies. Perhaps legal help is needed. If your brother has taken your father's house, and is living in it, and not allowing your father to be there, or receive income, there is something very wrong about the situation.
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Hatemooch, your brother sounds like a danger to your mother -- if not today, then definitely at some point. You're afraid to leave your mother alone with him because he'll financially abuse her, but he'll also probably physically neglect/abuse her.
Your brother's not just a deadbeat, he's a dangerous person. And CM, I assume that his brother is just FINE living the way he is. Some people are truly happy being this way, and believe that we (the employed, bill-paying, child-supporting, home-maintaining people) are the real fools.
If you do leave, which isn't a bad idea in my humble opinion, let APS know about the situation.
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Hatemooch, I'm not sure what to suggest. You could shop him (!?) - rat him out to the child support people, report the car… but it's not an attractive way of getting rid of him, I appreciate. But the thing is that you don't want him near your mother in his current condition, because it leaves her vulnerable to financial abuse. On the other hand, I imagine that your mother prefers to put up with his ways to the idea of his getting into even worse trouble? Very difficult.

What does he have to say for himself? He can't be truly happy with the way things are, either, because his life must look pretty hopeless even to himself. Can you talk to him sympathetically about trying to find some way to move forward?
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me and my brother live with our 83 yr old mom. i do all the house maintenence- landscaping -plumbing, going to store for her , picking up her medicine etc. my brother used her name for his paypal account on e bay and does not have a checking acct due to hiding from child support liens he has two kids and has not had a job for 5 -6 years and does not even look for a job. he cooks and showers their and refuses to pay anything for utilities. he drives an expired car - that leaks oil everywhere. he even got mom to put his internet in her name- he has ruined credit. i work on the house doing major landscaping on both yards , and i 've asked my brother to split the utilities with me. if i move out ,my mother will be stuck with this deadbeat and he would probably have her put in a nursing home, as he has threatened her with. i live their also so i am benefiting also ,but i cannot take it much longer living with the laziest person i've ever known.
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Wow.... EanneNo, you have a lot on your plate I to, have a loser brother that caused drama within our family in and out of jail punched me in my arm fought my father all of the above and I try and avoid him like the plague. I took my parents in my small condo to get away in which my daughter and my grandson live too. My parents are very sweet and don't bother anyone. A suggestion take back your home at this point it's all you have YOU are in control your dad is old my dad is the same age they need to feel important let him do some things if you like the cleaning let him know it don't be afraid to stand up.
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EanneNo: If for no other reason, your dad needs to be back in the US where he has healthcare/insurance. Even if he's a vital, healther older man, that could change at any moment. And while I'm getting that you and your husband are comfortable financially, you need to think about your futures as well. No reason that you should be subsidizing your dad while your brother does who knows what with your father's house and possessions. Whether you send in law enforcement, a lawyer, an accountant, send someone with authority to act on your dad's behalf and straighten out your brother.
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This all sounds very complex but the fact is, you're still in your room hiding. A better idea would be to praise your dad for all the wonderful things he does around the house and find a hobby or friends to go out with - or enroll in a class or activity that takes you away from the house for hours at a time. Start enjoying your life! Pretty soon your dad will start complaining that all chores are left to him. Then you can volunteer to take some off his hands. It's all a matter of attitude. As for the key - talk to the landlord to get permission to have one other key made. Good luck!
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Sounds like it is time for a trip to see the house and make sure the improvements have been made and for you and your father to meet with a realtor to make sure the house is put it on the market. Don't warn your family. Just show up and get it done.
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