Follow
Share

He has a tantrum when I try to assert how I want things. He rips items out of my hands saying he wants to do the task, asserting that he wants to earn his keep and stay useful. He has taken over taking care of my dogs, does all the grocery shopping (with my credit card), holds onto my set of keys for my apartment (it's not possible to make more copies of the keys; it's part of my rental agreement) and so I have to buzz to get into my own home. He moves all the cleaning supplies, rearranges my cabinets and linen closet, insists on doing ALL the laundry, the dishes, etc. I effectively stay in my room all day, cajoled into submission -- he makes it clear that he NEEDS to stay active in order to live longer. My life is not my own. I feel just like I did when I was a little kid. My parents would just leave me in my room all day when I wasn't at school. Please help. The only way I can stand up for myself leads to him throwing a tantrum and calling me ungrateful and showing me how hurt his feelings are that I don't just love sitting on my bum all day. What's happening here and what can I do to effectively take my home back without rejecting my dad?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
EanneNO, do you have an update for us as your last post was over a year ago.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If your Dad needs to feel useful and he can do all you have said then perhaps he should look for a part time job or do volunteer work. It will do him a world of good to be productive in the outside world. I rwalize he has lnguage barriers but if he is as charming as you say then he can get around that. People do it all the time. You gotta get Dad out and busy! Best of luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It sounds like a case of elder abuse on the part of your brother. It might be helpful for you to find someone in your area who deals with Aging agencies. Perhaps legal help is needed. If your brother has taken your father's house, and is living in it, and not allowing your father to be there, or receive income, there is something very wrong about the situation.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Hatemooch, your brother sounds like a danger to your mother -- if not today, then definitely at some point. You're afraid to leave your mother alone with him because he'll financially abuse her, but he'll also probably physically neglect/abuse her.
Your brother's not just a deadbeat, he's a dangerous person. And CM, I assume that his brother is just FINE living the way he is. Some people are truly happy being this way, and believe that we (the employed, bill-paying, child-supporting, home-maintaining people) are the real fools.
If you do leave, which isn't a bad idea in my humble opinion, let APS know about the situation.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Hatemooch, I'm not sure what to suggest. You could shop him (!?) - rat him out to the child support people, report the car… but it's not an attractive way of getting rid of him, I appreciate. But the thing is that you don't want him near your mother in his current condition, because it leaves her vulnerable to financial abuse. On the other hand, I imagine that your mother prefers to put up with his ways to the idea of his getting into even worse trouble? Very difficult.

What does he have to say for himself? He can't be truly happy with the way things are, either, because his life must look pretty hopeless even to himself. Can you talk to him sympathetically about trying to find some way to move forward?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

me and my brother live with our 83 yr old mom. i do all the house maintenence- landscaping -plumbing, going to store for her , picking up her medicine etc. my brother used her name for his paypal account on e bay and does not have a checking acct due to hiding from child support liens he has two kids and has not had a job for 5 -6 years and does not even look for a job. he cooks and showers their and refuses to pay anything for utilities. he drives an expired car - that leaks oil everywhere. he even got mom to put his internet in her name- he has ruined credit. i work on the house doing major landscaping on both yards , and i 've asked my brother to split the utilities with me. if i move out ,my mother will be stuck with this deadbeat and he would probably have her put in a nursing home, as he has threatened her with. i live their also so i am benefiting also ,but i cannot take it much longer living with the laziest person i've ever known.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Wow.... EanneNo, you have a lot on your plate I to, have a loser brother that caused drama within our family in and out of jail punched me in my arm fought my father all of the above and I try and avoid him like the plague. I took my parents in my small condo to get away in which my daughter and my grandson live too. My parents are very sweet and don't bother anyone. A suggestion take back your home at this point it's all you have YOU are in control your dad is old my dad is the same age they need to feel important let him do some things if you like the cleaning let him know it don't be afraid to stand up.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

EanneNo: If for no other reason, your dad needs to be back in the US where he has healthcare/insurance. Even if he's a vital, healther older man, that could change at any moment. And while I'm getting that you and your husband are comfortable financially, you need to think about your futures as well. No reason that you should be subsidizing your dad while your brother does who knows what with your father's house and possessions. Whether you send in law enforcement, a lawyer, an accountant, send someone with authority to act on your dad's behalf and straighten out your brother.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This all sounds very complex but the fact is, you're still in your room hiding. A better idea would be to praise your dad for all the wonderful things he does around the house and find a hobby or friends to go out with - or enroll in a class or activity that takes you away from the house for hours at a time. Start enjoying your life! Pretty soon your dad will start complaining that all chores are left to him. Then you can volunteer to take some off his hands. It's all a matter of attitude. As for the key - talk to the landlord to get permission to have one other key made. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Sounds like it is time for a trip to see the house and make sure the improvements have been made and for you and your father to meet with a realtor to make sure the house is put it on the market. Don't warn your family. Just show up and get it done.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Find other things for him to do that will keep him busy, keep him happy and give you an opportunity to gain back control of your home. Look for volunteer senior work, and even a part time job for him, there are many seniors out there working, and it sounds like he's capable. Play into is ego if you have to, to get him to cooperate. Go out and look for places that have seniors working there and pic up an app for him to fill out. It would be much better work for him than rearranging your stuff.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

About healthcare: No, my dad isn't eligible for a 'carte vitale' or medical card. And his US insurance only covers emergencies while he's traveling overseas. So unless he breaks a leg or needs surgery, my hubby has to pay for everything. It's ok. We don't mind, really. But it's the idea of the thing... in reality, both my brother and sister's spouses are millionaires, but do you think they're asking their significant others to get financially involved? No. And did anyone ask my husband if he could afford this or want to offer it (other than me on the day I got that phone call telling me I was about to have dad come and stay with me)? No. It's all a bit over the top, so it actually makes what my dad has to do next pretty obvious.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

To clarify and acknowledge some of the comments left: My brother isn't actually living in my dad's house, but he has chased my dad away and effectively has all the power over my dad's future at this moment. This conversation has shifted my perceptions and by way of me sharing some of this with him, my dad's as well. Both my dad and me now agree that my brother's behavior is outrageous. The best we could come up with is that dad has tried for over 60 years to give his son every chance in the world to live up to all his big talk. My dad wants more than anything for my brother to FINALLY come through on at least ONE plan he DEMANDS will make everyone safe. It's a bit daft, really. And dad can see that when he really pauses and looks at his motivations for giving my brother so much lee-way. Sadly, my brother drops the ball EVERY SINGLE TIME and so I just begged my dad to spare my brother any further humiliation and darn well TAKE HIS FINANCIAL LIFE BACK! He seems on-board. So, this has been really good... thanks all!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Exactly CountryMouse... he does receive Soc Sec but that's it! And remember, he still has that staggering mortgage to pay (over $5K a month) so even tho his SSI is really very good, he's still in the red. It's a mess, but it's a mess that needs to be taken away from his grown children and given to an accountant/lawyer/financial planner as CountryMouse has suggested. And yes, I just spoke to him about this conversation I've been having today and he agrees that he MUST remove the POA right away. I mentioned how some of you see what my brother is up to as "criminal" and it was rather insightful for both of us as we've never looked at it quite that way before. My brother MUST be stopped PRONTO!

So dad says he thinks he needs to get home by the end of Feb and I'm pretty sure after I have a chance to talk with my hubby, we can figure out a way to subsidize him on that first leg of him gaining his independence. In the meantime, I'll help him find a financial counselor from the phone directory in the senior community he wants to move to, get him on Skype to have a couple preliminary conversations and hopefully point him in the right direction (freedom from my stupid brother!). That's a start. More suggestions are welcome! And thanks everyone!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

The one-time payout will have been a lump sum pension pot paid out on the father's retirement and then invested, usually to provide an income. It's not related to state benefits. Sadly, even the best-planned investments can still crash and burn, especially in these "interesting" economic times. Sickening but not criminal (or, more to the point, recoverable).
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Social Security is a monthly benefit, you can't get a one time payout. Something smells fishy here. Social Security is typically either deposited each month in to your bank account or a check is received. He is probably getting on average 2k a month.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Ohhhh FRANCE… Suicides? Oh dear, I hadn't heard. The rivalry may be a national pastime for us Brits - "1000 years of annoying the French" - but I would hate to think they're having that rough a time. We love them really.

Tip for your father: I spent a month on a farm in Burgundy when I was 10. Came home still speaking English only with a beautiful French accent - not quite what my mother had in mind when she sent me, but it seemed to make it easier to be understood!

Do you have EU citizenship yourself? Would that kind of move potentially help with your father's healthcare? Don't envy you all that bureaucracy, though, ouch.

I can understand that your father wouldn't enjoy confronting your brother, but to cancel the limited Power of Attorney he won't have to confront him, just notify him. There's a happy thought.

You watch those ladies at the market, mind they keep off him. Grrrrr.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

oh and a power of attorney can easily be revoked by writing a new one and informing your brother in writing that his power of attorney has been revoked and all monies and properties are to be handed over to your father along with all receipts. Pay $25 have it served to him. Sounds like a real ahole.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You need to hire an attorney and evict your brother, that simple. Your Dad needs to move back in. That simple. If your brother was selling off your Dads things without written consent, call the police have him arrested. Solves the whole eviction problem. Your Dad should be receiving social security,,,where is it. Federal Crime if your brother is cashing his checks and using the funds. Sounds like your not very legally sophisticated but it also sounds like your brother is a criminal and you guys are just sitting back and letting him rob your father blind.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

EanneNO, It really is all relative I think. You don't like your dads interference with cleaning etc, but someone else is reading this and thinking 'oh my gosh, to have mom/dad actually HELP? what a wonderful thing". You get what I mean? So although it's a pain to you, it is pretty cool that your dad is capable and trying to be helpful, so that's good. Maybe what dad needs is a different outlet for his activities. What about him volunteering at a hospital? I know when you go to have surgery, there's usually an old person sitting at the desk in the waiting room, ready to help with questions etc. What about a senior center when he can go for a few hours a day? Also, I was wondering if you and yours attend church? The little community church I go to has a senior group that meets once a month for a potluck etc. I've taken both my dad and my mother-in-law to that and they seemed to enjoy themselves. Can't you get your dad a key if you officially add him to your rental agreement? What I think you ought to be concentrating on however is your dads house. First I'd get myself an attorney that will intimidate the brother in return, and get your dads house back into his hands and away from deadbeat brother. That's the key here I believe, the money for your dad to get his own place and start the second half of his life on his own, doing what HE wants to do. You are so fortunate to have an active, relatively healthy dad with NO Alzheimer's, that is wonderful in and of itself!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

As far as dad learning French goes -- no, he's not interested and it's also VERY hard even if he did want to. He's such an outgoing guy that he doesn't really need the language sklls -- he does just fine charming the ladies at the market!

And funny you should bring up the idea that I might have some of my mom in me and that I should turn my back to the Dark Side of the Force (tee hee hee) -- I am A LOT like my mom, and it is just a shame that she couldn't/wouldn't use her strength of character to do good instead of using it to manipulate and torture those she "loved". I feel like my mom made a huge sacrifice by showing me the antithesis of who I want to be. She left no doubt in my mind that it would never be possible to cut corners or put myself first or think of empathy as a weakness or treat family like prey, etc. She ran that 'experiment' and so the data is in and it's a NO WAY for me and my kids and loved ones. My brother and sister never escaped the inertia of my mother's ENORMOUS personality and so they are still lost in the petty blaming and bickering that I ran from so long ago. I felt homeless most of my life, but looking back now, I'm actually grateful for the 'loneliness'. Why would I want to 'belong' to THAT? My poor dad though. He really is a bit of a melba toast next to the Force of Nature my mother was and so he didn't have the means to intervene and put her in her place. He couldn't save himself, so I don't hate him for not saving me. It's ok. I'm just glad I can sort of 'save' him now. And thank you for all this really good solid 'homework' to do with getting outside help from an accountant and so forth. It's exactly the tack I need to take and I need to stop focusing on how 'miserable' I am dealing with something that was thrust upon me. It's time I push my sleeves up and tell THEM how it's going to be... and offer my dad the shelter he deserves in order to get safe and secure in his own home. He isn't old and feeble yet and so it would be unkind to take his freedom from him too soon. I used to work as a Nursing Assistant doing home health work with the elderly and I KNOW what an "old" person looks like and my dad is NO old person yet. *sigh* I feel a whole lot better and my perspective is definitely shifting. Thank you so much.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

CountryMouse wrote "I love engineers", well then, you'd love it around here because both my dad and my hubby are engineers. It is pretty nice, since I'm a big fan of logic and justice and rational thinking myself.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My dad only receives social security because he opted for a one-time pay-out at the time of his retirement and then what wasn't used for living/traveling expenses and fixing up that damnable house was lost in the stock market crash. He literally has no money until the house sells. Until then, it's up to his adult kids to see him through. And so far, it's just my hubby -- a non-blood relative -- who has taken the financial burden on.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

We're in France and yes, it's good that my brother can't just show up and boss everyone around. My dad et al live in Texas USA but in my youth, my birth family lived an expatriot lifestyle. Yes, my brother has power of attorney ostensibly to have the ability to sell the house without dad there. Supposedly it's limited, but the fact that he could sell my dad's car without my dad knowing, tells me otherwise. More follow-up coming...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Answering follow-up questions... be right back with that... thank you for your patience...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Oops, didn't realize that I had to click on the next page! Sorry!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Oh My..I so totally understand your feelings and frustrations...I'm in similar situation with my in-laws in which there seems to be no answer..I hide too..:( These comments are very insightful, and more importantly, this site offers a place where others understand the care giver dilemmas and helps with letting us know our anger/desperation has a valid foundation. I pray your situation works toward a fruitful ending for all involved..:)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Phew.

What country are you in? I'm not making any silly assumptions about resources or facilities even if the "natives" don't speak English! - goodness me is there civilisation beyond..? ;), but it could make a difference to practicalities. Crumbs! You're not in Japan by any chance, are you? Or am I stereotyping again… Anyway, no, not if there no services. Russia… No, I must stop this. No more guesses, promises. Gosh now I'm wondering how embarrassingly wrong I've been.

I suppose one bright spot is that your brother can yell all he likes but you're definitely a safe distance from him. And your father too. He can't hurt either of you any more.

He also can't hurt an accountant. Time for an audit, perhaps, of your father's assets, who has title, what has been spent and where everything is. Your father has capacity, ergo he is the client, ergo an accountant needs only his permission to audit his affairs in full. And I can't see an accountant, no matter how outwardly mousey his or her personality, taking "it's all in my head" for an answer. If you don't know where to source one, see if your husband can ask a colleague to suggest a US contact; otherwise it's down to homework on the internet and searching for a good fit for your requirements.

Meanwhile, ensure that your father has not been strong-armed into setting up any kind of Power of Attorney. If you discover, yikes!, that he has, get it revoked NOW. The aim is to get all control of your father's assets out of your brother's reach, permanently. POA could go to you, but if your father is sufficiently well off it might be more appropriate to appoint a professional: he must get good advice, and choose carefully.

I assume your father has some kind of pension income, no? Strictly speaking, you shouldn't be paying all of his living expenses, and apart from proprieties it can't be doing his ego any good.

So, maybe step one, then, is to help your father get his money sorted out; then he'll feel more comfortable as an active, paying participant in further planning. Depending on where you are, it might be a good idea to schedule a fixed-term visit back to the States and treat this as a project to tie up as many straggly legal and financial ends as you can - don't necessarily expect to have everything sorted out, but break the back of it at least.

I love engineers. They make things work, and don't mess about with irrelevant nonsense. So if the end is "happy secure future for Dad" the rest is a matter of concentrating on the means to it, and any sibling involvement that doesn't contribute wants sweeping aside. Does he like the country you're in? Could he set his mind to learning the language?! - that could keep him out of your hair for a couple of hours a day!

Don't be afraid to be strong. No matter how you felt about her, you're not likely to have escaped your mother's genes entirely; so if you have got the odd personality trait of hers why not turn it round and use it to good effect? Let the occasional glimmer through and your father might even find it reassuring (but don't get carried away!).
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

More specifically in answer to "where's the money": My hubby has paid for EVERYTHING including medical expenses since my father arrived. No offer of help from my siblings. No inquiry to see if we need any help with costs. Nothing from them. All of my dad's money is socked into that house -- a $1.5 million house my brother 'renovated' and lived in for 20 years and my parents took back from him after they retired. It's a nightmare, the history of that house, and I will be glad to see it go. BTW, my brother paid like 2 mortgage payments -- his part of the deal for getting my dad out of there -- and then started pilfering my dad's belongings (including his car!), selling things off to pay the mortgage!! As I said to my dad when I found this out, dad could've stayed and sold his stuff -- how is that help?? Anyway, I'm just really full. Too much crap for way too long from this birth family of mine. As soon as we (me, hubby and dad) figure out what's next for him, and if he decides he doesn't need my siblings' involvement anymore, I plan to cut all ties to them. They are not very nice people and I can't be around that sort of ugliness.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

CountryMouse asked: "PS And what's the story on the house, then? Have they sold it yet? If not, what have they done with it? If so, where's the money???"

My brother is a real loser, really. He has an ego from here to there... based on what achievements, I don't know... but my mother ran our family like Atilla the Hun and she put my brother on a pedestal. He could do no wrong and thus he became a tyrant. Anyway, he 'offered' to pay my dad's mortgage for him while there were some final details fixed on the house in order to sell it. Dad was living in the house while this was going on, but was not conferred with or informed every time some new thing was being fixed or updated on the property. Now understand, my father is to pay my brother back for all this so-called needed improvement. And if my dad asks for any invoices or receipts, my brother screams, "Don't you trust me??? I'm keeping a tally in my head and as your son that should be enough!!" My sister supports my brother. Mainly because she's afraid of him and also because my mother trained us all to obey her and by extension my brother. I literally did not hear my father's voice for 30 years until my mother's funeral. What a joy to hear him speak more than half a sentence without my mother screaming him into silence. Let's just say, I did not grieve my mother's death. But her influence did not die with her and my sister and dad are still in the grip of it. I was always the black sheep -- because I defied the lack of justice or kindness in my mother's home -- and left as fast as I could, marrying my first husband at age 19! Anyway, I have lived away from that awful birth family all these years, but all of them stayed in the same town together, being perpetually tortured. They more or less ignored me for all that time and scoffed at all my attempts to be part of the family while still not cow-towing to mom's nonsense. Fast forward a year after mom's death and I get the call that dad's in my brother's way and I will need to pick him up at the airport the next day. Wow. I was glad to do it, really. Get him the heck out of their clutches. But I'm feeling the strain of being completely alone with all of this and to top it off I live permanently in a foreign country (my husband's native country) where there are no services and even if there were, they wouldn't be offered in English. The internet is my only connection to the English-speaking world and modern interpersonal advice... the people here are very anal-retentive and pent up and there's lots of suicide and depression. Yikes. So your help is huge... thanks again.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.