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She cannot walk because of a hip problem & in constant pain also, memory issues & hearing problems but is in total denial. Very stressful situation for me!

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You mother is likely not cooperative because of all of her problems. Her memory issues may indicate dementia, which can mean that she doesn't even have the same conception of reality that you do.

Can you get some in-home agency people to come in to relieve you sometimes? That may make it easier for you to cope with the frustration of dealing with her issues.

Denial is common when people have dementia. It does sound like she could use better pain management and probably should be evaluated for dementia.

Take care of yourself and please keep coming back to chat with the community. People here understand the stresses you face.

Take care,
Carol
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daffey,

As Carol said, denial in the elderly is very common and very stressful for us, the caregivers. It doesn't do any good to try and force the reality of the situation down their throats. That just serves to irritate them and frustrate us. If your mom insists that the sky is red then agree that it's red. Sometimes living in denial is not all that bad for our elderly parents. They're scared. Their health is poor and they know it. They need help to just live day to day. They're probably lonely and never envisioned their life ending up this way. The denial is a defense mechanism and I think, as their adult children, we should allow it. Which doesn't mean that we validate everything they say or believe. If our parent has dementia and thinks people are coming into the house to steal their things we shouldn't agree with them but what I'd do with my dad is soothe him and tell him that as long as I was around I wasn't going to let anything happen to him. When my dad was in distress I'd tell him that I'd take care of it (whatever "it" was). I reassured him, told him not to worry, that I would make sure everything was taken care of. When my dad insisted that he was going to make it out of the rehab facility and be able to go back home (where he lived, with me) I was encouraging. I'd say something like, "Keep doing your exercises" or "It will be nice to have you back home". By this time my dad was confused and in denial and not contradicting him was easier on him and me.

When my grandmother had Alzheimer's and said nutty things my aunt and cousin would try to correct her and get her to see that she wasn't living in reality. I thought this was very cruel and totally unnecessary. But they just had to be right, had to be in control. And it never worked, it just agitated my grandma more and frustrated my aunt and cousin. It served absolutely no purpose.

It is a stressful situation for you. Caregiving is so hard. But like Carol said, keep coming back here and be among people who have been there before or are there right now with you.
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I am a hired home health care giver. I have noticed that my clients are more receptive to me helping them then a family member. So, I agree with Carol. My client has aphasia and early stages of dementia. She will not allow her daughter or husband to bath her, but she lets me take care of her needs. Sometimes, I think parents and close family members are embarrassed. It takes a lot of patience and tenderness to deal with the elderly. I wish you the best. Keep us posted on how you and your mom are doing.
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daffey,
Speaking from experience, it's time to call in the troops to help you. Trying to handle your described situation is going to put you in the looney bin or the hospital. Even the toughest person can't take that situation for very long. Get help or put her in a facility that is equipped to care for her, with rehab, on-staff nurses, etc. Do yourself and her a major favor.
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My mom is not cooperative any longer either. But, she no longer lives at home with me. I just couldn't handle it any longer. This Monday, I had to take mom to the doctor, and she was a nightmare. She started out being pleasant and cooperative, then the switch flipped, and she became a paranoid aggressor. It took over 30 minutes to get her from the waiting room into the room where the doctor would see her. She refused to move until "someone promised to take her to church and stop lying to her". She was so obsessed about the church subject that she didn't know where she was. We explained that she was not talking to people that could take her to church, but was in a doctor's office. Didn't matter, she was going to get the church thing settled before she was going to move an inch. Clearly, she has dementia. Clearly, she was not going to cooperate, period. I'm saying this because I had to come to a hard decision, one like you will have to soon make. With my mom's refusal to cooperate, vehemently, out in public and causing everyone involved a lot of trouble, I had to make the decision that I will no longer be taking her anyplace ever again. I can't deal with this absolute refusal to cooperate when I, and everyone is trying to help her. It has become clear to me that it will take more than one person to take her anyplace. This was a tough decision for me since I wanted to continue to take her places and keep her relatively happy with outside activities. Her behavior has now made this no possible. What I'm saying is that when they refuse to cooperate, it's time to make decisions that will result in a good solution for both parties.
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My mother (Parkinsons & dementia) is a nursing home, in a wheelchair and unable to do anything at all for herself. Since going to the NH over a year ago she's fallen & broken her hip and had another stroke. Late Christmas eve she got out of bed (can't stand), fell and was carted off to hospital to have her hand stitched. Naturally I got the devil for not rushing to the hospital to keep her company. It's always been about her and screw the rest of the world.

She plots and plans how she can go somewhere "nicer", somewhere where the staff are "better" - the NH and staff are wonderful but, a life long narcissist, nothing has ever been good enough. She plans to buy another house and thinks I'll look after her 24/7. Nope, I spent 4 years doing that in between calling ambulances are running to the ER and I can't lift her. She knows this but still craves the unattainable, as she has done all her life.

There's no way I can agree to her fantasies so I just go uh-huh and change the subject.
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Then why is she living with you? Professionals can assist in this situation, and you don't say how old (young) you are, but making yourself ill over these caregiving responsibilities doesn't help you or your mother. Having hearing aids is a big issue that once resolved could help her and you communicate better. Then, with her not walking, this needs to be addressed by her doctor and get her some physical therapy. If you do not walk on your legs your bones deteriorate, then you can't walk at all. Set some ground rules and parameters for her living with you and tell her your feelings about how she is treating you. Abuse takes place even though one is 91 yrs. and used to doing it to a child.
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Based on experience with my 95-year-old dementia-afflicted mother, I recommend you first have yours evaluated by her doctor and see if medications can be prescribed.

I held out against this as long as I could but Mom's behavior got to where I couldn't manage her. So I finally took the doctor's advice and now she's on generic Seroquel and Aricept.

These prescriptions have been a big help. Mom still is her usual obnoxious self, but the intensity has been reduced and I'm able to get her to cooperate with necessary care.

Good luck and God bless.
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Con't from last note.....if your mom is in the best physical shape.,then get some help, home based or nursing home based...do stuff that you enjoy in the mean time...
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My mother refused hearing aids because, tiny though they are these days, "they don't look nice" ... vain to the last! Made me chuckle when she was sooo co-operative with a new male nurse, smiling and batting her eyelashes, totally oblivious to the fact that he was very very obviously gay :)
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