She cannot walk because of a hip problem & in constant pain also, memory issues & hearing problems but is in total denial. Very stressful situation for me!
You mother is likely not cooperative because of all of her problems. Her memory issues may indicate dementia, which can mean that she doesn't even have the same conception of reality that you do.
Can you get some in-home agency people to come in to relieve you sometimes? That may make it easier for you to cope with the frustration of dealing with her issues.
Denial is common when people have dementia. It does sound like she could use better pain management and probably should be evaluated for dementia.
Take care of yourself and please keep coming back to chat with the community. People here understand the stresses you face.
As Carol said, denial in the elderly is very common and very stressful for us, the caregivers. It doesn't do any good to try and force the reality of the situation down their throats. That just serves to irritate them and frustrate us. If your mom insists that the sky is red then agree that it's red. Sometimes living in denial is not all that bad for our elderly parents. They're scared. Their health is poor and they know it. They need help to just live day to day. They're probably lonely and never envisioned their life ending up this way. The denial is a defense mechanism and I think, as their adult children, we should allow it. Which doesn't mean that we validate everything they say or believe. If our parent has dementia and thinks people are coming into the house to steal their things we shouldn't agree with them but what I'd do with my dad is soothe him and tell him that as long as I was around I wasn't going to let anything happen to him. When my dad was in distress I'd tell him that I'd take care of it (whatever "it" was). I reassured him, told him not to worry, that I would make sure everything was taken care of. When my dad insisted that he was going to make it out of the rehab facility and be able to go back home (where he lived, with me) I was encouraging. I'd say something like, "Keep doing your exercises" or "It will be nice to have you back home". By this time my dad was confused and in denial and not contradicting him was easier on him and me.
When my grandmother had Alzheimer's and said nutty things my aunt and cousin would try to correct her and get her to see that she wasn't living in reality. I thought this was very cruel and totally unnecessary. But they just had to be right, had to be in control. And it never worked, it just agitated my grandma more and frustrated my aunt and cousin. It served absolutely no purpose.
It is a stressful situation for you. Caregiving is so hard. But like Carol said, keep coming back here and be among people who have been there before or are there right now with you.
My mother (Parkinsons & dementia) is a nursing home, in a wheelchair and unable to do anything at all for herself. Since going to the NH over a year ago she's fallen & broken her hip and had another stroke. Late Christmas eve she got out of bed (can't stand), fell and was carted off to hospital to have her hand stitched. Naturally I got the devil for not rushing to the hospital to keep her company. It's always been about her and screw the rest of the world.
She plots and plans how she can go somewhere "nicer", somewhere where the staff are "better" - the NH and staff are wonderful but, a life long narcissist, nothing has ever been good enough. She plans to buy another house and thinks I'll look after her 24/7. Nope, I spent 4 years doing that in between calling ambulances are running to the ER and I can't lift her. She knows this but still craves the unattainable, as she has done all her life.
There's no way I can agree to her fantasies so I just go uh-huh and change the subject.
I am a hired home health care giver. I have noticed that my clients are more receptive to me helping them then a family member. So, I agree with Carol. My client has aphasia and early stages of dementia. She will not allow her daughter or husband to bath her, but she lets me take care of her needs. Sometimes, I think parents and close family members are embarrassed. It takes a lot of patience and tenderness to deal with the elderly. I wish you the best. Keep us posted on how you and your mom are doing.
It is hard on the caregivers for sure having to deal with parents with dementia or Alzhemiers, but you learn. My mom has been with me for almost 3 years now and it is hard,I have to keep reminding myself that it is the disease and not her any longer. I wonder how many times you can say the same thing in less than 2 minutes, cause either they don't understand or are just trying to drive you crazy. Mom paces or hours on end at night and stays up most of the night, for safety purposes we have installed a child's gate on her door, that stops her but she does bang on it for hours. Life can be so much fun, somedays......
Based on experience with my 95-year-old dementia-afflicted mother, I recommend you first have yours evaluated by her doctor and see if medications can be prescribed.
I held out against this as long as I could but Mom's behavior got to where I couldn't manage her. So I finally took the doctor's advice and now she's on generic Seroquel and Aricept.
These prescriptions have been a big help. Mom still is her usual obnoxious self, but the intensity has been reduced and I'm able to get her to cooperate with necessary care.
Then why is she living with you? Professionals can assist in this situation, and you don't say how old (young) you are, but making yourself ill over these caregiving responsibilities doesn't help you or your mother. Having hearing aids is a big issue that once resolved could help her and you communicate better. Then, with her not walking, this needs to be addressed by her doctor and get her some physical therapy. If you do not walk on your legs your bones deteriorate, then you can't walk at all. Set some ground rules and parameters for her living with you and tell her your feelings about how she is treating you. Abuse takes place even though one is 91 yrs. and used to doing it to a child.
daffey, Speaking from experience, it's time to call in the troops to help you. Trying to handle your described situation is going to put you in the looney bin or the hospital. Even the toughest person can't take that situation for very long. Get help or put her in a facility that is equipped to care for her, with rehab, on-staff nurses, etc. Do yourself and her a major favor.
Ashlynn: that is exactly what my mom has Parkinson's, stroke s, dementia. She is difficult with me and also in denial. I do agree with the others that it's how they cope. My mom isn't in a nh but I wish at times she was. She's got caregivers. Im in poor health myself hurting right now. But I take care of everything else for her.it isn't easy and sometimes I wonder how much longer I have to watch my mom suffer? I had to watch my dad with Alzheimer's and it's only been 2 years. Im not handling things well. I also work ft and have my hubby and son.
My mom is not cooperative any longer either. But, she no longer lives at home with me. I just couldn't handle it any longer. This Monday, I had to take mom to the doctor, and she was a nightmare. She started out being pleasant and cooperative, then the switch flipped, and she became a paranoid aggressor. It took over 30 minutes to get her from the waiting room into the room where the doctor would see her. She refused to move until "someone promised to take her to church and stop lying to her". She was so obsessed about the church subject that she didn't know where she was. We explained that she was not talking to people that could take her to church, but was in a doctor's office. Didn't matter, she was going to get the church thing settled before she was going to move an inch. Clearly, she has dementia. Clearly, she was not going to cooperate, period. I'm saying this because I had to come to a hard decision, one like you will have to soon make. With my mom's refusal to cooperate, vehemently, out in public and causing everyone involved a lot of trouble, I had to make the decision that I will no longer be taking her anyplace ever again. I can't deal with this absolute refusal to cooperate when I, and everyone is trying to help her. It has become clear to me that it will take more than one person to take her anyplace. This was a tough decision for me since I wanted to continue to take her places and keep her relatively happy with outside activities. Her behavior has now made this no possible. What I'm saying is that when they refuse to cooperate, it's time to make decisions that will result in a good solution for both parties.
I am sure this is also stressful for your mom. I would get a full evaluation for her. Would hearing aids help? Better control of pain? PT for hip...? Evaluate cognitive issues.
Con't from last note.....if your mom is in the best physical shape.,then get some help, home based or nursing home based...do stuff that you enjoy in the mean time...
Gigi11, I agree that some behavior altering meds may be in order for both parties involved. My husband go a very low dose of Serequel and the change was dramatic. Yes, I know there is a "black box warning" for Serequel and the elderly, but with advanced dementia, death may not be a bad thing. And I was about to kill him myself. JK. Then, I got some Celexa, even though I told my doctor I didn't need anything. That was also quite an amazing change. Between my husband's agitation being gone and my new outlook and new ability to get enough sleep, it has been so much better. I'm not saying that daffey's Mom needs to be drugged up like a zombie. Just get her pain under control, get her hearing better, and get some physical therapy.. Medicare pays for in-home PT if it is difficult to move the patient. Get her doctor on the phone and just ask for him to authorized it and tell him her pain is unbearable for both of you.
My mother refused hearing aids because, tiny though they are these days, "they don't look nice" ... vain to the last! Made me chuckle when she was sooo co-operative with a new male nurse, smiling and batting her eyelashes, totally oblivious to the fact that he was very very obviously gay :)
Please find ways to take time for yourself. Engage anyone you can to lend you a helping hand and find time to take breaks, get out, vent to friends and here.
Take a moment to smile at the sunshine. My yoga teacher tells us to 'smile' when we are right in the middle of attempting the most difficult yoga posture.
Take good care of yourself. I am taking a drawing class at our library. It is wonderful to take an hour to focus on a still life. My brain works in a whole new way.
See if there is something you or she can do for free at your local library. While in her 90s my Mom took "healthy bones" exercise classes twice a week at the local library. She made friends. They laughed and it gave her something else to talk about. Hope this suggestion is helpful.
My very best wishes to you in this journey. We will be like our Mothers some day (hopefully reaching our 90s and hopefully we will be in good spirits then) and I hope someone will care for us the way we cared for them.
I agree totally with what everyone else has posted but I warn not to take on more than you can handle! I give my Mom choices. These conversations only come up when life changing events (moving, hiring help, etc.) occur.Do you want to live with me or be in a nursing home? Do you want a helper to come in 8 hours to relieve me once a week or be in a nursing home? These are choices, not threats. Mom has been with me for over 3 years and I am so glad that she is, but it isn't all about her. There are other humans in the house.
As far as dealing with the paranoia-dementia combo (as in sandfox's story), there are times when it's easier if you yourself don't get hung up on insisting on reality. When one elder was freaking out that people were coming through the ceiling, what worked was "I've spoken to the building manager and a new layer is being added to the ceiling so they can't get through any more." If someone absolutely has to be taken to church, tell them you are taking them to church, or you will, or whatever. Often we say to ourselves, "This person is demented! This person is nuts! This person is totally detached from reality!" yet we fail to make use of that fact in a practical way.
When mom was still at home, she said she was going to go for a drive when I went home. I said no, you can't. My stupid sister had left the keys right there on the hook, ready for use. I told mom she couldn't go for a drive b/c she didn't have a dl. She said well she'd just drive over to the DMV and renew it. I just said oh. Because in this state it is a nightmare to get your license, with all the paperwork. I had begged sister to remove the keys and she wouldn't and she is BOSS. But luckily mom never did take the car for a drive and didn't go to the DMV and now is in a NH. But most of the time, I would just say "oh." Neither agreeing or disagreeing.
Attend her next doctor appointment, together you can speak to him/her about your mothers medical condition and the pain she is in. Would physical therapy help, is there medications that could make her life more pleasant? It's is difficult to enjoy things when you are in pain or tired. It is difficult when the person has a hearing impairment-remember to face her when you are speaking, you can get closer to her if that helps. It's is very frustrating for me too, my father has a hearing impairment and sometimes I forget and turn around when I am speaking; he doesn't hear the message or only hears part of it. Ask her doctor about the memory issues while you are there. Keep your mother engaged in conversation when you can, if she likes to read, you can get books on 'tape' and she can use ear phones, if she likes TV shows, you can also use ear phones. Does she like puzzles, crafts, bird watching? Plan short activities so as not to tire her out, it is difficult when in pain and pain can be very tiring. allow her time to rest, plan a 'special' lunch even if it is at home, use nice napkins or crystal glasses for drinks or use the 'good china'. When occupied, it will help to take her mind off the pain. Does she have a pet, or do you, does she like pets? A pet visit is a fantastic way to be 'entertained', perhaps a family member can bring in a pet if there is none at home (and of course if she likes animals). It's not easy being a caregiver, it can be time consuming, frustrating and all consuming if you let it. Make sure you take time for yourself, do something special just for you. You can also contact your local Area Agency on Aging for caregiving resources.
Everybody thinks getting home care is the answer it's not! And it's not cheap,,I've been taking care of my mother for almost 14 years (with a disabled hubby) and 3 kids I've just recently got hospice in to help a little but the only thing they do is bathe her 2 times a week which is not the best cause there over worked on a time limit. And a nurse comes in once in a while cause in my moms case she is incompasitated but she is somewhat still dependent can feed herself and do her remote but I have to do everything else meals,potty,putting her in bed..etc it's been a long road and my family is exhausted we have put our life on hold and missed out on a lot. But now I don't know what to do ? I would hate to put her in a N.H (did that once for a week vaca) what a disaster dump.but not to sound petty but I believe I've earned a measly 20k of her life ins ( 20k to my brother) who has done absolutely nothing ! Yea! That's another story! Sooooo! What do I do if she gets put in home there goes all her money...thank!
Even with in home help being a caregiver isn't easy. When the help is gone, you are all you've got and that usually includes all night, maybe being up and down half the night. Look for other caregivers, support each other.
You've gotten a lot of differing suggestions. I would just suggest as others, consider getting some in home help a couple days a week. If mom gives you or caregiver grief, leave the house while they are together so they can bond as best they can. Make sure some of that time is during lunch, dinner or breakfast so they can share a meal together and mom might be more cooperative with a meal involved.
If this doesn't work out or isn't working, have conversation with mom and tell her if she won't cooperate and try either with you or outside help, you will have no choice but to find Residential facility because you can no longer meet her needs.
Enlist her drs help in discussing options with her and or getting her some physical therapy.
Can you get some in-home agency people to come in to relieve you sometimes? That may make it easier for you to cope with the frustration of dealing with her issues.
Denial is common when people have dementia. It does sound like she could use better pain management and probably should be evaluated for dementia.
Take care of yourself and please keep coming back to chat with the community. People here understand the stresses you face.
Take care,
Carol
As Carol said, denial in the elderly is very common and very stressful for us, the caregivers. It doesn't do any good to try and force the reality of the situation down their throats. That just serves to irritate them and frustrate us. If your mom insists that the sky is red then agree that it's red. Sometimes living in denial is not all that bad for our elderly parents. They're scared. Their health is poor and they know it. They need help to just live day to day. They're probably lonely and never envisioned their life ending up this way. The denial is a defense mechanism and I think, as their adult children, we should allow it. Which doesn't mean that we validate everything they say or believe. If our parent has dementia and thinks people are coming into the house to steal their things we shouldn't agree with them but what I'd do with my dad is soothe him and tell him that as long as I was around I wasn't going to let anything happen to him. When my dad was in distress I'd tell him that I'd take care of it (whatever "it" was). I reassured him, told him not to worry, that I would make sure everything was taken care of. When my dad insisted that he was going to make it out of the rehab facility and be able to go back home (where he lived, with me) I was encouraging. I'd say something like, "Keep doing your exercises" or "It will be nice to have you back home". By this time my dad was confused and in denial and not contradicting him was easier on him and me.
When my grandmother had Alzheimer's and said nutty things my aunt and cousin would try to correct her and get her to see that she wasn't living in reality. I thought this was very cruel and totally unnecessary. But they just had to be right, had to be in control. And it never worked, it just agitated my grandma more and frustrated my aunt and cousin. It served absolutely no purpose.
It is a stressful situation for you. Caregiving is so hard. But like Carol said, keep coming back here and be among people who have been there before or are there right now with you.
She plots and plans how she can go somewhere "nicer", somewhere where the staff are "better" - the NH and staff are wonderful but, a life long narcissist, nothing has ever been good enough. She plans to buy another house and thinks I'll look after her 24/7. Nope, I spent 4 years doing that in between calling ambulances are running to the ER and I can't lift her. She knows this but still craves the unattainable, as she has done all her life.
There's no way I can agree to her fantasies so I just go uh-huh and change the subject.
I held out against this as long as I could but Mom's behavior got to where I couldn't manage her. So I finally took the doctor's advice and now she's on generic Seroquel and Aricept.
These prescriptions have been a big help. Mom still is her usual obnoxious self, but the intensity has been reduced and I'm able to get her to cooperate with necessary care.
Good luck and God bless.
Speaking from experience, it's time to call in the troops to help you. Trying to handle your described situation is going to put you in the looney bin or the hospital. Even the toughest person can't take that situation for very long. Get help or put her in a facility that is equipped to care for her, with rehab, on-staff nurses, etc. Do yourself and her a major favor.
Would hearing aids help?
Better control of pain?
PT for hip...?
Evaluate cognitive issues.
I'm not saying that daffey's Mom needs to be drugged up like a zombie. Just get her pain under control, get her hearing better, and get some physical therapy.. Medicare pays for in-home PT if it is difficult to move the patient. Get her doctor on the phone and just ask for him to authorized it and tell him her pain is unbearable for both of you.
Please find ways to take time for yourself. Engage anyone you can to lend you a helping hand and find time to take breaks, get out, vent to friends and here.
Take a moment to smile at the sunshine. My yoga teacher tells us to 'smile' when we are right in the middle of attempting the most difficult yoga posture.
Take good care of yourself. I am taking a drawing class at our library. It is wonderful to take an hour to focus on a still life. My brain works in a whole new way.
See if there is something you or she can do for free at your local library. While in her 90s my Mom took "healthy bones" exercise classes twice a week at the local library. She made friends. They laughed and it gave her something else to talk about. Hope this suggestion is helpful.
My very best wishes to you in this journey. We will be like our Mothers some day (hopefully reaching our 90s and hopefully we will be in good spirits then) and I hope someone will care for us the way we cared for them.
If this doesn't work out or isn't working, have conversation with mom and tell her if she won't cooperate and try either with you or outside help, you will have no choice but to find Residential facility because you can no longer meet her needs.
Enlist her drs help in discussing options with her and or getting her some physical therapy.
Hope this helps.