Mom could drive but she won't. It would be helpful if she could drive at least to the store for groceries. How can we build her confidence, or should we even try and continue the way it is? Perplexed. Tired. Worried.
She is truly afraid and no longer safe to drive. But she doesn't want to admit that. Don't force her - something horrible could happen. Then what? Hire someone or arrange to grocery shop once every two weeks and make sure all that is needed will last for two weeks.
You said the grocery store is going to stop delivery. How about another store? Even if it is more expensive it could be well worth it in saving your sanity. I don't know how big your city is, but have you called the County Office on Aging? They might have some ideas.
My mother never drove and I called the local taxi company, found out the cost to and from the store, put the exact fare, plus a tip in an envelope with the Taxi company's phone name and phone number on the outside. She didn't use it. Would rather walk to the store and be so tired that some stranger would bring her home. I tried but mom was stubborn. But, I would not, I repeat would not, drop everything, drive an hour, just to run her to the store. I went to help her one day a week, that was all.
Use a grocery delivery service. I wouldn't suggest urging a person to drive if they've said no to it, especially one who hasn't driven in a few years. Good grief! Think of the other person on the road while this elder is driving. A nervous driver is NOT a GOOD driver.
cwillie is right. Sometimes, anxiety can be a health problem; in my case I was suffering hyperthyroidism. Aside from that though, with many couples the husband drives and the wife rides along. This was true for my parents until dad sustained a brain injury. For mom, it was like starting over. The first time she drove, I went along with her....scary! But with time, she adjusted and was able to take on that task for the next 25 years. When she couldn't drive any longer, I would chauffeur and mom learned to use the council on aging van for some trips. Once in a blue moon, a neighbor helped out. Lastly, some home health aides can provide transportation usually as part of a larger session (they are not a taxi service!).
Reading your post, I think that perhaps your father’s stroke came quite young, perhaps even in his fifties, and that you are at the beginning of what can be a very long road. Many people’s problems are in discouraging elderly parents from driving, not the opposite. My mother drove quite well, but got flustered one day when she was tired and slow, and someone very inconsiderate tail-gated her aggressively to speed her up. She pulled to the side and hit a lamp post front on. She survived, but it’s not the best way to end your driving career. Nor is it the worst way!
Many posters have a problem with parents who become increasingly demanding, and aren’t very nice about it. That is also not a good road to go down. It’s a good idea to get them to solve as many practical issues as possible for themselves, rather than get them into the habit of expecting to be waited on. Could you get them to do their own research about the options for grocery shopping and delivery? They may be quite shocked to hear that the alternative is to consider Assisted Living or some other institutional care.
You and your own husband are already finding the extra expectations are hard for you, and it gets a lot worse. Encourage their independence if you can, but the driving option is a bit dodgy.
I am 75. I have a driver's license which is really useful as a form of ID. But I never drive. I do own a car, now that my husband has died. I took the AARP safe driver course and found that I am probably not safe to drive, even though my score was high enough to reduce my insurance rate. I have some vision problems (nearsighted and amblyopia). Driving requires fast judgment. Older drivers process information more slowly. I learned that to be safe you have to drive regularly. You mother-in-law is probably not safe to drive--even if she didn't feel anxious about driving. Her anxiety and lack of experience and age are going to make her more indecisive. Just driving once a week to the supermarket isn't going to be enough training to keep her safe. I recommend seeking home delivery of groceries by some other method such as those other members have offered.
I am sure your mother comes up with excuses to not drive because she feels apprehensive to do so. My mother did the same thing; always "allowing" me to drive her car whenever we went out because she was afraid her skills were not up to par but she did not want to admit it. Do not pressure your mom to drive when she feels uncomfortable to do so but may not want you to know. She knows best about this matter so take her at her word and find another alternative.
try meals on wheels or meals for mom (better than meals on wheels as they taste better). Then you wouldn't need so many trips to the store for them. Even if they don't qualify for the free program you can pay for them and get them that way. And it can give them a bit of company too.
Depending on their age, if your town / city has a city bus service, and receives any federal funding they have to include ADA transportation. I use it for mom's doctor visits and you can go to grocery store, the movies, etc. Usually, form to be filled out by the doctor why they cannot use a regular bus is required. Don't force her. I stopped driving on a major highway because I don't have my nerves of steel like I did when I was 50 so cut mom some slack and own the fact parents are aging and need help so figure out the best way for everyone's "convenience."
I would respect his mother for not wanting to drive however I would put the responsibility on her by asking how she will get her groceries if she chooses not to drive. If her suggestions involve you or your husband and are not acceptable then you need to speak up. She can hire someone to get her groceries or hire a grocery service in your area, find someone on care.com etc
My mother never drove and I called the local taxi company, found out the cost to and from the store, put the exact fare, plus a tip in an envelope with the Taxi company's phone name and phone number on the outside. She didn't use it. Would rather walk to the store and be so tired that some stranger would bring her home. I tried but mom was stubborn. But, I would not, I repeat would not, drop everything, drive an hour, just to run her to the store. I went to help her one day a week, that was all.
Many posters have a problem with parents who become increasingly demanding, and aren’t very nice about it. That is also not a good road to go down. It’s a good idea to get them to solve as many practical issues as possible for themselves, rather than get them into the habit of expecting to be waited on. Could you get them to do their own research about the options for grocery shopping and delivery? They may be quite shocked to hear that the alternative is to consider Assisted Living or some other institutional care.
You and your own husband are already finding the extra expectations are hard for you, and it gets a lot worse. Encourage their independence if you can, but the driving option is a bit dodgy.