Dad is in a SNF and my brother has guardianship. My Dad has been in the SNF for 8 months. Things settled down, everything seemed to be contained.

Now that he has more energy he is talking non stop, he saw an itemized bill of the monthly costs (he is on Medicaid), he is engaging a lawyer, says his civil rights were violated, says is going to move to some VA place 100 miles from any family because he can work there for 15$ an hour. Because Vets have 1st pick of jobs. And they have a woodworking shop, a machine shop and he is trained in all those things.

He has found he can make phone calls from the conference room for no cost, so he is calling me a lot. My brother is ready to give up guardianship, I live too far away. No other siblings will do it.

I am the person the NH calls because my brother doesn’t respond or answer.

I am leaving on a month long trip out of the country on a much planned trip with my aunt.

I am also going to be away from my spouse who has chronic pain with fibromyalgia. Right now he is getting more anxious about having a flare up while I am gone.

I am ready to cry. This is a long planned trip with my 82 year old aunt and close to $10,000 paid for.

I am so tried of drama, and pretty tired of being so understanding.

Thank you, I am taking deep breathes. Dad has been diagnosed with vascular dementia from small strokes. He lost his reasoning ability, but not his mobility, talking ability, scheming ability, He has a lot of time to work out these solutions.
I called the nursing home and told them I was going to be unavailable. The nurse said they had me as the first person to call, so it was changed to my brother.
I am going on a trip of a lifetime. I cannot wait. Hope things go well with all of you while I am gone.
Back in the middle of January.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to PrairieLake

Go on your planned trip and enjoy yourself. You deserve it. Whatever problems there are now will probably (unfortunately) be there when you get back.

You need time to take care of yourself so you can return and continue to be the wonderful CG that you are. Your dad does sound mentally ill (maybe OCD, bipolar, whatever) but it’s not in your control. Let his providers take care of it.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Shane1124

I love the idea of therapeutic fibs. However, my Dad doesn’t believe anything anyone ever tells him. Ever.
Dad is going to the office and demanding to see itemized bills. No one has financial guardianship of him. The attorney said not to ask for that since there were no assets at all anyhow. My brother has court approved guardianship of person.
Dad is on a few antipsychotics.
I am 1000 miles away, but was his POA.
And Dad is calling all 6 of us siblings with these schemes.
I just wish it would stop. I just wish he would calm down and be pleasant once in his life for more than 10 minutes. I just want him to be content for 5 minutes in his life.
I just hate, hate, hate this.

I am going on this trip with my Mom’s sister so we won’t have to think or talk about him for 30 days.
(My Mom died in 1964 at age 35).

I do need this time away from the others anxiety and depression. Fibromyalgia, bi-polar, vascular dementia, I don’t have any of those things but they are having an effect on me.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to PrairieLake
rovana Dec 2, 2018
You're saying brother has guardianship of person?  They he can insist that dad stay in the facility where he is getting care. There is no reason for the facility to call you - tell them you are not going to be available and I presume they have your brother's number if a genuine emergency should arise.
If he is on Medicaid, then as long as the facility is not saying they are not being paid, then why would you intervene? If it's not broke, don't fix it.
Sounds like he has mental illness - I don't see how you are going to fix that and make him pleasant.  Sometimes, you just can't do whatever - like I would never even contemplate doing brain surgery. Just not possible. Same with making Dad happy and pleasant.   Since he is in a safe place, and has a guardian, then maybe the rest of your sibs and yourself should start detaching. Visit or call Dad when you want to and terminate the conversation when he gets unreasonable.
I not once got an itemized list of charges while Mom was in the NH. I private paid for two months and the Medicaid. Who cares what Medicaid pays for, they are paying it.
Maybe Dad needs something to calm him down.

Have a great trip. Hubby can take care of himself. I have a friend who suffers from Fibromyalgia and RA and cares for a 80+ Dementia husband, I think DH will be OK.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JoAnn29

This site is so wonderful! Your responses did calm me down.

My brother texted me and said Dad is being his own jailhouse lawyer, so he is not worried.
He is not giving up guardianship-that is what my Dad told me as part of his plan to divide and conquer.
The nursing home said it was OK for Dad to make calls from the conference room phone-no charge. I think Dad is trying to call me more, but he told me most of the time an operator comes on and says the call can’t be completed. I don’t think he is always successful at getting an outside line and then dialing all the numbers correctly. Wonder how many strangers he has reached.

Dad even went to the NH office and told them to take him off Medicare so he could go to the VA home. My brother said there was a 2+ year waiting list, and they were taking Vets that had service disabilities first.
If I think about the drama Dad has caused for the last 60-70 years, I get sick to my stomach. We are all weary survivors. One sister said our Dad has a goal to live longer than our uncles, and they are in their mid 90’s. He may outlive his two oldest children if this keeps up!

And I did have a good talk with my Hubby about emergency plans.
I am going to the Caribbean and then up the Amazon river.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to PrairieLake
Ahmijoy Dec 2, 2018
That’s going to be an amazing trip! Wow!

When I mentioned telling Dad he’s being charged for the calls,, I meant fib to him about it. I’m sure they don’t charge.

Let the home handle him. You may be surprised,when you’re out of touch for a while, he may do really well.
Step back from the drama. Your brother doesn’t respond because perhaps he has had enough of the drama as well. The staff at the SNF should be told to only call you if there’s a medical emergency. If he should be taken to a hospital, tell the NH to have the hospital call you. That way, if the caller I,d, shows the NH, you will know it’s your father calling. If Dad is calling from the conference room, he should be receiving more supervision and redirection. Maybe the door of that room should be locked? Or you can invoke the therapeutic fib and tell him he gets charged to use the phone. No attorney will take him on as a client because he has no grounds for a case against anyone.

Dad is safe, fed and cared for at the NH. No need to be at his beck and call. Make sure your husband has help available should he need it. And enjoy your trip and your aunt!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Ahmijoy

Don’t worry about your father. Ignore it now. Go on your trip. He will be cared for while you are away, and you can sort out the situation when you get back. It may already have resolved itself, with luck. Put what energy you have into arrangements just in case your husband needs more help while you are away – though I am sure you have already thought about this. I hope you have a great trip and a great time!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to MargaretMcKen

Portugal, how fantastic! I'm so jealous! Of course you must go on the trip, and without any guilt. Life will go on without you at home, and people will just have to deal.

Is there a way to block your father's calls on your phone? That is what I would do with a manic, unreasonable person. I wonder if the nursing home knows about the conference room freebie phone. I would inform them, or just yank it out myself and hand it to the receptionist the next time I happened to be in the area. Wouldn't they want to unplug it and lock it away since it's being misused?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to SnoopyLove

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