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I can be rather blunt but having read through advice and your replies I want to add a few things.
l'm sure you've heard the old saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink"? This is your dad. You’ve done loads to help support him by finding support and he refuses to act. Guess what..he doesn’t want to. You already said he is lazy. He wants others to do it for him and I’m sure he isn’t mentally strong enough to cope with the new demands let alone his wife is "defective" now as he sees it and has inconvenienced his life. So he verbally abuses her because it’s her fault. You said he’s always been abusive and manipulative and a bully. I hope you’re not hoping he’s going to change because he’s shown you through the years who he is. You wrote "The problem I'm having is that he seems to just want everyone to do it for him." That is the bottom line.
so as Countrymouse said, who has given you excellent help, you need to remember that you have a right to have boundaries. The problem also is that he isn’t respecting your boundaries and he’s encroaching on them by bullying. Do not answer your phone late at night when he’s likely to have been drinking. If it’s important, he will leave a voicemail and that’s perfectly fine to let him do.
Once you realize that he is the one who has to buck up and take the support that you are giving you can mentally distance yourself from him. Come up with some statements to use when you talk and have them written down. Also as someone else suggested level with him about your role and be firm. He doesn’t have to like it...bullies never do.
Also can you get some mental health counseling for yourself? That would be helpful in coping.
Hugs!
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jakeypegs May 2019
Wow you really have understood my Dad perfectly!!! Thank you for your understanding words.
I have had counselling, I got signed off in December. But I do have their number handy, it's always good to have a safety net!!
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Want to be sure this doesn’t get buried..
countrymouse says:

Your father needs help. It sounds as if he has needed help for a very long time. It is a job that you cannot do. That is not your fault.

Call MHA, and call Social Services. [The good news, by the way, is that Bradford University is a centre of excellence in dementia care and related fields, so you're in luck there - there will be all kinds of networks and programs around locally].

Call MHA just to get their advice. Call Social Services to register your concerns and to make sure that your father and stepmother are on their radar. 

In everything you do, though, remember very clearly that the aim is to put Other People between you and their situation.
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jakeypegs May 2019
Your words have really stuck in my head "put Other People between you and their situation" it really has stuck!!!! I'm just going to think of your words every time I'm tempted to get dragged in!
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Great advice here...please don't hesitate to get regular counseling and check in with this wonderful group often. Your son and your own mental and physical well being must always be your main priorities. The counselor will help you disengage from your father and deal with any doubt or guilt.
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cetude May 2019
Except counselling costs, and they do not always help.
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Hi hi, I feel your pain coming right through. You have to remember one thing in this life, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. In your Dad's shoes, I'm sure he is at his Wit's End trying to care for your stepmother by himself. It is not easy caring for someone with Alzheimer's or dementia. However, maybe you can help him by looking for resources for him. You have enough on your plate and you should not feel guilty about that. I think offering to order groceries and having them delivered and researching resources to help him with the day today is the best you can do. Do not feel guilty or feel responsible. I care for my mother and gave up my whole life to move into a house with her. It was a choice that I made and not pressure to make. My life is not easy and it is very different but this is what I signed up for and I don't have young children to take care of. Leave the stress about not really getting along with your father out of the picture. Even if that didn't exist you still have your own issues and your own son to take care of. Go to your church or synagogue or wherever you worship and pray for guidance. Peace!
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jakeypegs May 2019
Thanks pollyannasue x
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jobs are hard to get and easy to lose. It sounds like if he can't cope he will have to put her in assisted living. Unless you are willing to lose your jobs and move in with him--he will have to support you and your son. Let me assure you as time goes by things will get much, much worse with decline. This is only the beginning. My mom is end-stage Alzheimer's and she is 130 pounds of dead weight to get up, and she cannot even control her bowels. Even feeding her is a monumental task. Daily I struggle with her care, and waking up is something I dread because it starts all over again.
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50sChild May 2019
I am not hands-on. From a distance though I regularly coordinate with four agencies (two are VA) to coordinate Dad's care (bedridden, can't talk), in his home. For an elder to stay at home there are daily issues that come up and have to be solved. I check the remote cameras frequently. I have counted 12 caregivers/bosses that I deal with, sometimes daily, due to personnel and coordination issues. The poor hospice social worker takes the brunt of my anger and bitterness, so I hope she has coping skills. She enrages me because of her cheerfulness. Rationally, I know that's not fair.
So I totally understand your dread of the new day and new "challenges."

Yet earlier today, I read and responded to a person who is able to see everything as a gift. It spawned me to read about Trench Warfare and coping mechanisms. Not sure it helped.
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He is overwhelmed and taking it out on you.
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jakeypegs May 2019
I know he must be overwhelmed, but he has mentally abused me my whole life, this is just on a new level. All the years of abuse take their toll and make you very bitter towards the abusive person.
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Firstly, don't talk to anyone who is drunk. Secondly, there is support needed here. For YOU. Your Dad is still, unfortunately, a bully. Two jobs and children? I just don't know how to say this, but I almost beg you to get help from someone in social work or psychology to help you work out that your plate is full enough, and help you to stand strong against a bully. Will you still feel guilty? Yes, I suspect you WILL still feel guilty. Your Dad will have to work it out to hire support or to place your mother. I think that you need to explain to your Dad that you will not speak to him when he has been drinking, that there is little you can do to help him with your own problems what they are, that you are sorry, but if he keeps pressuring you you will not be there to HELP him more, but LESS. Please stand strong for yourself, and be your own advocate. We all can understand what your Father is going through. You have expressed yourself and your situation so well; get help. It will only take a few sessions before you will be able to "lay down the law" gently to your father. Tell him what he can expect from you regularly (barring the unforeseen) and what resources he SHOULD be speaking with. And know, those resources will NOT take his guilting and his anger. So very sorry. Your situation so touches my heart.
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jakeypegs May 2019
Thank you for your lovely words AlvaDeer.
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I'm sorry you're having to deal with this👎. First! You need to take care of yourself. You're no good to others if you neglect yourself. Second! You have a child who needs their mother's love and attention. It sounds to me, and I could be wrong, but your dad doesn't want your help, he wants you to do his responsibility that a husband should do for his spouse.

Honey, you have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm sorry for your father verbal abuse. I know for a fact, verbal abuse is harder to heal from than physical abuse.

Sounds like you've given your dad sound advice, but he's looking for you to take away his hardship. PLEASE DO NOT!!! He lived his life the way he chose, and you my dear should live your life the same way.
I tell this to my children all the time.

Love shouldn't make you feel guilty, nor should it be abusive, or make you ill. Be strong, stand up to your dad, tell him the way it's going to be and stand firm. You need to take care of your family first, and if he doesn't want the help you CAN give him, them there's nothing more you can do! AND stick to that. If he gets abusive to you, Just say nicely, I'm going to hangup, or ignore his text, if he's going to abuse you. THEN DO IT!! It will be hard for you, but once you do it, it becomes easier. I know, I deal with MDD daily, and getting the right meds, and therapist is very important.
God bless you, and you don't owe your dad your life! You've shown him compassion, respect in trying to help him, you don't have to do his job or responsibility!! Hugs to you💞
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jakeypegs May 2019
Hi Kathie, thank you for taking the time to reply I really appreciate it. What you say is spot on, the part that really jumped out was "Love shouldn't make you feel guilty, nor should it be abusive, or make you ill." Wow! That is so true.
It has been like a breath of fresh air on here it really has. Everyone is so understanding and never judgmental. I was scared people wouldn't understand, but it's very clear that people do understand, they've been here and are living this the same as me. It's wonderful to know you're not alone. You are all amazing!!! :-)
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I’m in the same ...similar ....situation , caring for my very old parents ( 98 & 94...brains are going)...After 15 months I’m completely burned out...I had a care facility lined up and at the last minute , my dad said NO....More to the story , but now I’m just going to leave Texas...go back to my home in San Diego...Maybe once I’m gone , then my dad can make the decision to go to the rest home !!...
.....DO NOT feel guilty !! You need to take care of yourself first !! It’s not being selfish...you have your own family and issues...I finally learned there was only so much I could do...I have no more to give...I’m 70 ! I did my best ! Do NOT feel guilty !! Good luck...be “selfish” for yourself...Took me 15 months to learn that...I gave what I could for as long as I could...I’d have died if I had continued !
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dinamshar9 May 2019
Wow can’t believe you lasted 15 months ! You’re absolutely right!
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Does your stepmother have kids? If so he needs to ask them. If not, tell him hire someone or call the council on aging for ideas.
From my own experience, an abusive parent doesn’t change. I did have to totally cut ties with my mother. I have a number of chronic / disabling illnesses and she was literally killing me due to her demands and lack of concern about how it affected me. Sometimes you have to accept the reality of the situation. After a year, I was able to help her from afar ( I’m her medical POA) but I rarely see her except for doctor appointments , my husband runs interference when I do. If possible, don’t see him alone, he may not be as abusive with others there.
I assume you already go to a therapist for your depression and anxiety. Those are both hard enough to handle without willingly putting your self even closer to an abusive situation. Please realize you can’t change him, you need to protect yourself so you can take care of your son. That’s your priority.
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jakeypegs May 2019
Unfortunately she does not have kids, or really any family other than a cousin who lives in Australia.
I got signed off from my counselor, but have his number on standby!
I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. It's so hard when you have a bad relationship with your parent, but feel obliged and forced into situations when they really don't deserve it. The hardest thing is everyone else looking at you like you're a heartless b!#ch, but they can never understand, unless they too have an abusive parent.
Thank you, I will do my best to protect myself. You take care too. Hugs x
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Tell him you are not in a place or situation to do much more than moral support - you're not close nor even seem to ever have been - he is using his bullying tactics because they have worked in the past so he is hoping it will work again

How much support has he been in your life? - what pays comes around - have you had much to do with step-mom in past? because if you don't have a good relationship she may not want your help & this could cause you more problems

Put his phone number so that his messages only come in between certain hours - tell him to stop wasting his [& your] time with his whinging & check out what you have already found for him - be strong/firm with him - you do not need to fully cut ties but you can step back partially
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rovana May 2019
Sounds to me like dad has been abusive all OP's life - thinking about this brought back the memory of a man who genuinely could not understand the emotional abuse he was dishing out.  Thought it was the way "real men" act in their families.  Sure need to change these miserable, outdated behavioral stereotypes.
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Sounds that he has personal & possibly health issues as well...drinking? Not good. Strange as it may sound, he doesn't want to lose his wife or be away from her. So he wants you to do what he can't. Anything else would take his wife from him.
Don't know family relationships here, but her family needs to be envolved too. Maybe talk with them?
Stay your ground. What you give him as support is adequate. He does need to get professional care for his wife.
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jakeypegs May 2019
Unfortunately she doesn't have any family. No siblings, no children, she has a cousin that occasionally visits, but I think they live in Australia. It's really tricky!
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What exactly does he want you to do/ wave a magic wand and make his life better! You have offered all you can - “I need support” is just wallowing in his own self pity and it’s making you crazy and will take a toll on you / there is nothing you can do and believe me this gets worse not better! There are elder care groups in every community - find a number / give it to him next time he “needs support” and stop letting this get to you!
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Psalms23 May 2019
Amen! Could not have said it better. Give yourself a break from his calls and let him know that his behavior towards you is unacceptable. I had to have this conversation with my mother. Adult children with controlling and high maintenance parents have to let them know. I wonder how we made it through childhood.,😁
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He does need help. I'm sure that life is getting quite difficult for him. I suggest that you help him by contacting the town/city council on aging, and county services to see what help that stepmum or he qualifies for. Depending on where they live and what their finances are, there may be quite a few options. Hopefully, there will be a thing or two that can alleviate the pressure he is feeling. She may qualify for adult daycare once or twice a week. Some towns have a council on aging van that can take mom to the hairdresser; my mom paid $2 for each ride. Some people, perhaps your dad, have a hard time advocating for themselves or loved ones, and the way you can help is to find a "menu" of social services or private businesses that he can select from. He will pay out of his pocket; sometimes these services are on a sliding scale based on income. You're just helping to show the way. Eventually, they may even be assigned a social worker to advocate for them if they qualify for some sort of medicare/medicaid program. Less pressure on you:)
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rovana May 2019
I think that is what OP has tried to do. But dad just sits on it - won't reach out to help and this means stepmom is not getting the care that she deserves and is available. I suspect that dad just wants his daughter to swoop in and take care of everything and make the "problem go away." No, just no.
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jakeypegs;

First of all, thanks for checking in again multiple times and explaining more about the situation. What you have written helps with making suggestions about how to deal with the issues.

Priorities:

1) Your son
2) YOU (occasionally bump you up to 1 in order to care for son)
3) Stepmom
4 if at all) dad

Caring for your son, yourself and your own relationship (you mentioned fiance?) should be your primary focus.

I list stepmom as #3 because it is SHE that needs help and she isn't likely to get it from your dad. Never mind that she needs help, she does NOT need the abuse!

I list "4 if at all", for dad... maybe more like 50,000.... or more....

There is no help for those who do not want to help themselves. Kind of ironic that manipulative/bully dad didn't like his job because HE was supposedly bullied (more like he just wanted to do things his way, rules or normal avenues be damned!!!) It is clear given his constant demand for 'support' without identifying what he needs specifically AND his refusal to follow through on checking out sources for help you provided, he is NOT going to get the help that either of them needs!

Don't answer the phone when he calls.
Don't respond to texts. (if you must, keep it simple, such as 'I'll get back to you on that...')

At this point, given his irrational behavior (past and present) AND abusive behavior, SHE is the one we need to focus on. It would likely be best if you can get social services to see this and get them to move her to a safe place. Once she is out of the picture, dad can fend for himself or not. At that point, if he still demands help, aka support, cut ties. He's a big boy, he can deal with it himself.

Although it is likely similar in the UK as in the US in that they won't discuss medical issues/care with a non-primary contact, could you possibly arrange an appointment with the best or several of the care options you provided to him? You can explain that while you understand they cannot provide information to you, you just want to discuss your CONCERNS about stepmom's welfare. They need to be fully apprised of how her care and safety needs must be brought to attention by someone rational.  Don't mince words or whitewash any of it. They need to know all the gory details.

Although dad says they have "been 'round" several times, I suspect at most maybe once, if that. If social services are truly concerned about the welfare of their elders in need, they should be willing to listen to you. She is in desperate need of help and certainly in no condition to seek it out herself.

His demand for support is more like a cry (whine) for someone who doesn't want the responsibility. NEITHER of them is your responsibility, but clearly someone needs to look out for HER best interests. He is NOT willing to make contact with support services, he is NOT willing to learn about the condition and what it takes to care for someone with this condition. Beg and plead with social services to at the very least LISTEN to you!!!

Being unfamiliar with how things work in the UK, maybe Countrymouse can advise: is there a way for OP to request someone provide legal guardianship (OP probably not the best choice for guardian. I know here the court can appoint a third party to provide this duty.) Also, is there a way to do this without OP incurring any of the cost?
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jakeypegs May 2019
Thanks disgustedtoo. I totally agree about the contact side of things. I haven't responded & if he calls I won't answer. Honestly, I see his number flash up on my phone and it fills me with utter dread! Maybe if I feel up to speaking to him one day, I may answer, but any crap, I'll be putting the phone down on him! I will certainly look into what I could do with regards to alerting Social Services. There is a Dementia drop in centre in a town nearby, so if I can find time to call in there I may be able to ask for their advice/help.
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I know that everyone (well almost) is saying the same things, but here it is again. Your father should be carrying his own loads. You should not be concerned about caring for him. He is in his sixties, he should be the carer. You may want to feel that deep down you love him because he is your Dad, but what you say about him tells another story. He is a bully, he is a lazy self-indulgent drunk, he is a taker, he is manipulative, he is rude to everyone including his wife and you, and he does nothing to help himself or anyone else. You can’t change him, and you are not strong enough to hold him up. You are not his caregiver.

I too had a horrible father. I tried more or less until he died, unlike both my sisters, and we were all glad when he died. Trying was pointless. So is guilt. Many people (like me and you) hang on too long.

The ‘support’ your father wants is for someone else to do everything, while he is entitled to make the rules and criticise. If you can, see if you can get some support for your step-mother. However you have no rights, it doesn’t sound as though she brought you up so you don’t have that ‘obligation’, and there may be nothing you can do. Certainly nothing if your father stands in the way. That may be hard to accept, but it’s the truth.

Stay friends with your sister, and use her strength to support you in staying out of the way of your father. Don’t take his calls or texts, don’t go to see him. If you want to feel better about that, set a rule that ‘I’m not going to be involved until you have …..’. And it needs to be something substantial actually achieved.

Look after yourself and your son. Best wishes.
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jakeypegs May 2019
Wow Margaret! I found myself absolutely agreeing with everything you have said! You have well and truly hit the nail on the head, it's like you've met my Dad!!!! It just feels so amazing when somebody else totally gets it! I'm sorry you too had a horrible Dad too, it's so hard I know. I have kept telling myself for years, but he's your Dad, you only get 1, sound familiar? Also other people don't understand as the majority of people I know have lovely parents and could never imagine being so "cold" and "uncaring" to their parent. One lady I know, knows my Dad and when I mentioned he was being horrible & I really didn't want to see him, she said "oh you can't do that, he's your Dad. You must make time to see him" I felt like telling her where to go! But you see she's only ever seen the happy jokey version of my Dad that he portrays to everyone else, they don't see him when his mask slips & he shows his true colours. So to many people I am going to appear to be a heartless horrible daughter, but I'll just have to accept that. They could never know the half of it and even if I tried explaining what he's like, they either wouldn't believe me or they wouldn't realise how bad he is, as there are no words and no way of fully explaining.
Thank you so much Margaret, it's nice to know I'm not alone :-)
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He should have thought about that before talking down to u. And I would just tell him that. I'm a firm believer in KARMA. I would also let him read all the replies to ur post.
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jakeypegs May 2019
I also believe in karma, you are so right with what you're saying. I wish I could let him see the posts, but cannot be bothered with him going nuclear!!
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Tell your Dad that you are not well and struggling to handle your own life. From what you described, you don’t owe this man a thing. He sounds like a narcissist anyway. Cut and run. Save yourself. That business will not only ruin your health but will also negatively affect your family. Let him get her some help. This may sound harsh but we see so much of this on here and let me tell you that a cardiologist and his assistant looked me straight in the eyes and told me to take care of myself first when I ended up in the emergency room with irregular heartbeats due to stress over parents. Yes, stress affects our health. It can aggravate anxiety and run your blood pressure up too. Save yourself.
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jakeypegs May 2019
You are right in what you're saying Elaine. Every single time I have started feeling better, it is him who has set me back! He doesn't give a sh!# about me or he wouldn't do it. I've had no contact with him since the sh!##y texts. I just can't be bothered with him. I will definitely step well back from him and will consider cutting all ties if he carries on. Thank you.
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Say to your dad "I can't do it as I'm unwell."
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I hope I am not repeating what anyone else said, but please consider reading the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Your dad is not understanding your boundaries and you need to feel OK about setting them. Your own little family comes first, and you HAVE given guidance and support -- just not in the way HE wants.
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jakeypegs May 2019
Thanks Maryjann. I will have a look for the book. I've struggled with boundaries my whole life & my counselor has worked on this with me. I've let people sh!# all over me my whole life, to the detriment of my mental health. But I'm slowly realising that this is something I HAVE to do, for ME, no matter how hard it is. I've done so many things I never thought I could, for example getting rid of toxic friends and having a conversation with my Mum to sort out all the cr@p my Dad put in my head about her and my childhood. Thank you all so much for your amazing support, you are really giving me the strength I need. Hugs to you all x
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"Me & my Dad do not have a good relationship in the first place. He's been a bully throughout my whole life and very emotionally abusive." " He just started being nasty...". You want to know what to do. My answer is simple: NOTHING! Why on earth should you do anything for him if he was not good to you before. How can he think he deserves anything after this? He is a selfish old fool. And you have TWO jobs and a son and have some physical/mental problems. Under NO circumstances can you offer support. Your loyalty is to you and to your son and obviously you need to work because of your financial situation. And he drinks which makes it even worse. Offer to provide information on proper care and other things someone in this situation needs to know but YOU DO NOT BE THE ONE TO DO THE CARING. You simply cannot take on any more. If he refuses to listen or to cooperate when you are trying to help, get tough (and I would not blame you given how he treated and treats you) and walk away from him and never look back. I learned this the hard way - far too late. When people are bad for you, leave and move on and never go back to them. Do it now for you and for your son.
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Riverdale May 2019
I agree with all the issues you have comments on. I hope the OP can see that the abuse she suffered denies any reward to the abuser. This also is too complicated for anyone raising a family at home to add to their jobs.
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I just saw your thread & intend to read it all tomorrow.

Just wanted to say "hang in there!"

In the short time since I found this site, I have found an amazing & insightful bunch of people! Reaching out for help as you have is a 'protective behaviour' - keep it up!!

This journey that has started won't be all bad. Many come through with new skills in setting boundaries for themselves & gain confidence at saying No. I certainly am.

We are on your side.

To be blunt: Dad can get himself informed up (or not). Become a husband/carer or become a husband who visits (wherever she is moved to). No judgement on his choice - but either way, it's HIS life, HIS wife & HE has to choose how he will live it. This is his ship to sail where he will. He is the Captain.

Any expectations that YOU will be Captain, First Mate & all the million other roles he has lined up for you need to be sunk. (Sorry for being so corny, past my bedtime).
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jakeypegs May 2019
You are so right. I am starting to see, this IS HIS problem and NOT mine. My counselor helped me with trying to set boundaries and being able to say no, I just need to work on them. It is tricky when dealing with someone so highly skilled in emotional blackmail and having had this my whole life, it's so easy to start slipping into your old ways of trying to keep everybody but yourself happy. I'll just have to take each outburst at a time & make it clear I won't put up with his crap.
BTW I liked the corny ship mate references! :-)
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Jakeypegs, imagine you're a pendulum.

Earlier on, with all that inappropriate and damaging information your father should never have shared with you about his marriage to your mother, you were swung hard one way.

Talking to your mother has helped you restore a better perspective in that your mother, quite rightly, let you understand that things were much more complicated than you were told. She was also very correct, I think I guess, in not simply retaliating with counteraccusations.

But don't now swing back the other way, and load all of the blame onto your father. Not because it's unfair to him - may or may not be, I've no idea - but because it's bad for you. You want the pendulum to be balanced, the last thing you need is another huge, unsettling push in the opposite direction.

Your father is a person in his own right, who has his own needs and on top of that now has to face his wife's dementia diagnosis. He *does* need help; and your stepmother does deserve skilled management of her care. But even if you wanted to, even if you didn't have other more important demands on your attention, you just wouldn't have the experience or training or time or resources it will take.

If your father were an emotionally well adjusted person, he would not have been talking to a preadolescent about his relationship, he would not have been so vulnerable to difficulties at work, he would not be a parasuicide, and he would not lean on alcohol. He would not be expecting anyone else to solve his problems. But he is not, QED, an emotionally well adjusted person. That does not mean that he does not love or care about you; but it does mean that he is unlikely to show it in ways that have real meaning to you.

One thing he could get right was give you money. So he did that. He is now puzzled and hurt that it has not been the total, correct answer in itself. He supported you - why are you not now wholly devoted to him in return? How confusing!

He gets things like this wrong all the time. Looking back - his marriage was in trouble, he needed to talk about it, and to whom did he talk? His teenage daughter. Well, holy mackerel! What kind of numbskull thinks THAT'S okay? An emotional numbskull, with zero understanding of protecting an adolescent from trauma, that's who.

But your dad is your dad. There is no law that says being a dad means you also have to be insightful and empathetic, and he is not those things. Instead of resenting that he doesn't give you what he hasn't got to give, accept what he is actually like and then work out where you want to go with him next.

Did you get in touch with your therapist? I hate to think of you having collywobbles when you see your father's number come up on your phone, and I do think it would be a good idea to get some quick fixes in place until you're feeling more confident.
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jakeypegs May 2019
I know what you're saying is true, it just feels like he's got this massive hold over me emotionally and it makes me so so anxious. I feel like it when I speak to him, see him, even talk about him, my heart starts pounding and I feel so anxious, it's suffocating. I suppose once I feel so suffocated and anxious I start trying to pull away. It's hard because he's driven so many people away with his unbearable behaviour. He's the angriest man in the world, a lot of his behaviour is writhe around cringe worthy behaviour. Crap jokes constantly, having to strike up a relationship with every waiter, sales assistant etc. Repeating the same crap jokes constantly, as well at it being embarrassing he's extremely offensive at times, I mean racist jokes in the local Indian restaurant was a memorable one! Swearing at my birthday meal loudly so the whole restaurant could hear. Constant pressure to do stuff you don't want to do & even when you say no, still trying to pressure you & then if that doesn't work a full blown mega tantrum even the best of 2 year old's couldn't manage!!! I guess over the years it has ground me down and I am really growing to dislike him. It's like a secret guilt I hold deep down.
I probably do need to go back to counselling to learn how the heck to deal with him.
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Jakeypegs, don't make any assumptions about whether the charity will continue the subsidised sessions or ask you to pay full-rate - find out! Your therapist already told you to come back if necessary, and as this is a pinch-point I would say it is necessary, wouldn't you? A stitch in time saves nine, and all that.

Also, if there is a problem, see if your GP can negotiate something for you.
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jakeypegs May 2019
Hi Countrymouse, I think in some cases you can get back in with the Charity, but I think as a rule once you're "fixed" and signed off that's that. They don't have the money to carry on indefinitely. The counselor I saw does have his own private practice which is obviously full price, which is worrying me some what. I think it will be at least £60-£80 a session eek!! I suppose I'm trying to put off going due to the price, the fact his practice is quite far away and I suppose I was hoping I could be strong enough and get through this myself.
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Get through this yourself ?!?!?!?!?

ROFL!

No, I don't think so. [Bless the girl, what is she thinking!]

Jakeypegs, the fact that I don't think it helps to "blame" your father does NOT mean that the damage he may have done to you was, is, seriously serious.

We protect children. We do not expose them to alien, frightening, inappropriate concepts. We do not burden them with our own hurts, that they cannot possibly begin to understand. We do not pollute their environments with verbal violence and conflict. We recognise that problems to us as adults, to them are hairy monsters under the bed.

I could go on, but you get the point. Your father loves you, he did not *intend* to harm you, but he has so little control over his own behaviour and his own feelings that he did harm you.

What has changed is that you are not a child any more, you have a child of your own to motivate you, and you can learn to manage your own relationships. But by yourself? Why? Why should you have to do this piece of healing on your own, any more than you would any other?
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Countrymouse May 2019
Is not seriously serious, I mean. D'oh!
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Jakey -

Your dad sounds like a toxic person. Relationships with toxic people rarely end well. Your wife is also affected because you are. Your choices impact your wife.

If you don't like being around your dad because he's racist, offensive, and acts inappropriately, then stop. You *choose* to spend time with him despite knowing that you cannot help him, won't change him, and will never satisfy him. You keep putting yourself in situations involving him and expecting a different outcome.

Toxic people are energy vampires. Energy vampires lack empathy. Your father does not care how anything he says or does affects you or anyone else for that matter. Recognize that you *choose* to engage with him and that you can make different choices. You can only control what you choose to do.
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jakeypegs May 2019
Thank you NYDaughterInLaw. It's reassuring that many people agree that he is toxic, I worry that it's just me being horrible. I totally agree with everything you have said.
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Tell him, no.
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Have you heard of this concept: FOG fear obligation guilt?

I learnt about it from someone on this forum. Here's a link if it is of interest to you. (Just google if link doesn't work).

https://www.theaustralian.com.au/life/using-fear-obligation-and-guilt-linked-to-emotional-blackmail/news-story/d7c29809da583e89bcdd2a4ddaf40135
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jakeypegs May 2019
Holy moly! That article has just blown my mind, it is so so true & rings so true to my situation!! Thank you it's given me a lot to think about.
I've often had situations, such as "I'm having a family do, I would really like you to come. I'll understand if you can't, but I would really like it if you do" In other words if you don't come I will kick off & totally throw my toys out of the pram. I know it doesn't sound like it, but it's the way he says it, like he's making it clear that I have to go, it's my obligation to him & he will be very upset and very angry if I don't & he will sulk like a child. So so true.
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Dear Jackie, I think you are suffering partly because you don’t know anyone else with an impossible parent – or perhaps you just don’t know that someone you know also has a parent as toxic as yours. You are trying time and time again to live up to the ‘OK family image’, even though it doesn’t work.

Yes we do only get one Mum and one Dad, but we are very lucky if both of them are exactly what we would have wanted. Some are fantastic, most are tolerable, and some are appalling. Serial killers have children, psychopathic ISIS torturers have children. Your father and mine are nudging into the ‘appalling’ class, while we have hoped and hoped for ‘tolerable’ like most other people.

We all want the ‘OK family image’ for our marriages as well, but we know that it isn’t always true. We all know about domestic violence abuse in all its forms, how impossible it is for the victim to reform the perpetrator, how hard it is for victims to walk away, and how relieved they are if they can start a new life. That’s where you are now. Perhaps you don’t need a counsellor, certainly not with so many complications that it becomes a stress in itself. But perhaps you need to walk away and start a new life!

Love from Margaret
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jakeypegs May 2019
Wow I found myself nodding away to your comments, you really have hit the nail on the head. We did consider moving away, but we would miss the nice family that we have and all of our friends. I don't want to cut off the support network that I have. For example I know that if my son was ill & needed picking up from school & I couldn't get there, there would be someone who could etc.
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