How do I cope with continually being accused of stealing money?

Are you referring to an ailing parent you are caring for? need a more information.

Sorry I should have said. The person I look after is my 86yr old husband.

I found this article on Aging Care that might be helpful... see page 2 regarding how to cope. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/How-to-handle-alzheimers-disease-lying-144204.htm

If dementia is his ailment, my suggestion is to tell him you feel the same way, you lose items too, you forget where you put things sometimes and it is normal. By doing that, it helps him to realize that there is nothing wrong with him. This is the biggest problem I have experienced with my parents...their denial...so let them continue the denial because really...it is hard to accept an ailment or disease like Alzheimer's when you don't feel ill or any different than you did a year ago.

I got my mother to trust me by sympathizing with her regarding the memory loss and misplacing items. Then I moved on to showing her the financial issue on her level..not mine.I asked her if it was ok to do this or that so she felt she had control. It took several months of me doing this to gain her trust.

My mom was accusing me and my sis of trying to take her money, her home, etc. We were lucky because our mom had contact with a couple of long time friends/co-workers that she trusted who were around her age. These two ladies helped us because they knew mom was ill with Alzheimer's. My mom was least trusting of my sis...ironically, sis is the primary on mom DPOA, LOL!! I am closer to our mom and I became the mediator. I just suggest you not take offense to the accusation, just say something like, "I understand,...then show him paperwork even if he does not understand it anymore...encourage him to make choices with your guidance. I hope this helps...it is very hard to not be hurt by the accusations and my heart goes out to you during this phase of the disease.

Try validating in addition to what Sharonm29 says above. The validation technique was developed by Naomi Feil and is fully explained in her book The Validation Breakthrough.

if you google what is validation you should get this site come up vfvalidation dot org there is a great article in there that explains Naomi Feil's work

In my mom's case it was necessary to get the right meds. I marvel every time I visit her now. She is happy, relaxed, pleased to see me. This is the same woman who, a year ago, called the police, the senior center, and the Area Agency on Aging to tell them that I was stealing her car and money.

My grandfather used to do this to my father (his son-in-law). We found that showing him his back statement helped, at least for a while.

Sometimes showing statements and other hard evidence helps, but as mentioned, the result doesn't last. Alzheimer's takes away logic. Add that to memory loss and it's easy to understand why people think someone is taking their things (or money).

My mother couldn't believe the money it took for her care. I'd her documents and then she'd cry over the amount, but shortly afterward she's be accusing me once more. It tears out your heart to be the target of this abuse, yet the person - in this case your husband - can't help it. It's his reality.

There are several mentions of validation. Here's an article on Agingcare about validation with several hundred comments. The comments - people's stories - are interesting and affirming.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-therapy-for-dementia-166707.htm

Validation can be difficult under the circumstances that you describe, but you can affirm his thinking by telling him how you do understand how easy it is to forget. You obviously can't "agree" that you're stealing his money, so this take some creativity.

Sometimes we have to weather this phase, use distraction when possible, and even ask for some help if needed. Another family member may be able to convince him for awhile that you are innocent.

Take care. This is a terribly hard situation and many of us have gone through it. Please keep in touch.
Carol

Sometimes showing statements and other hard evidence helps, but as mentioned, the result doesn't last. Alzheimer's takes away logic. Add that to memory loss and it's easy to understand why people think someone is taking their things (or money).

My mother couldn't believe the money it took for her care. I'd her documents and then she'd cry over the amount, but shortly afterward she's be accusing me once more. It tears out your heart to be the target of this abuse, yet the person - in this case your husband - can't help it. It's his reality.

There are several mentions of validation. Here's an article on Agingcare about validation with several hundred comments. The comments - people's stories - are interesting and affirming.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-therapy-for-dementia-166707.htm

Validation can be difficult under the circumstances that you describe, but you can affirm his thinking by telling him how you do understand how easy it is to forget. You obviously can't "agree" that you're stealing his money, so this take some creativity.

Sometimes we have to weather this phase, use distraction when possible, and even ask for some help if needed. Another family member may be able to convince him for awhile that you are innocent.

Take care. This is a terribly hard situation and many of us have gone through it. Please keep in touch.
Carol

I meant "bank" statement; sorry!

My husband has a habit, when we r out to eat, looking in his wallet and saying...almost out of money. Later my Mom will say she needs to talk to me and brings the money thing up. "If u need money use mine". I tell her Denny is just teasing. Then I have to tell her her money is going to keep her house up. The small pension she gets pays for her drugs and personal needs. If there is money left over at the eom, she " treats" us all to dinner. This makes her feel like she is doing something.

I just want to affirm the above: logic and solutions are great in the early phases. But later, fugeddaboudit. My mom is perfectly lucid when I speak with her and asks all the right questions. But she does not remember what was said even two minutes, or one minute earlier. If I say three sentences, she doesn't remember the first. So, logic? Proof? Solutions? They are now irrelevant. But I do hear you on validations. My mom is constantly fishing for validations so I will step that up.

It has been descovered that people with dementia or Alzheimers respond to you in specific ways and there are Alz organizations in your area that teach you how your loved one is understanding rather, misunderstanding what you've said. Once you kow how they think, your taught how to respond back for that person to be more cooperative WITH YOU. Please look for this help that is freely available for you.

It is difficult when they don't remember what you said 2 minutes later. Yes, sometimes certain meds can make a difference. With my mom we first used citalpram, then a year ago it was changed to lexapro because she was having some rapid fire angry toward the caregivers. Our goal is to keep our mother as comfortable as possible without having her medicated into oblivion. Understanding your loved ones big issue...with my mom it is having control. Giving her the feeling she has control has helped so much to avoid her frustration and us being hurt.

My father accused my sister of stealing his money, and he was right to the tune of $31,000,00 total over 3 years.

31 million dollars? !!!!

$31,000.00 hit the wrong key, but you could have figured that out.

Iking3,

You wrote:

Please look for this help that is freely available for you.

You imply that this is in our area. Are these courses that one can enroll in? Books? Articles? Is everything on-line? Do we just need a website?

Thanks.

I think sometimes you cannot respond in defensive mode. Since they forget within a short space of time and start the same nonsense, I think I'd just ignore it. Let them go on.

It goes with the territory, and you are just going to have to develop a thicker skin. This too shall pass...

I think the reference to help would be to go to the Alzheimer's Association (you can look online at alz.org) and find an organization in your area. If your phone book lists an Alzheimer's organization near you they might even be able to send out a social worker for an interview if you'd like. Either way, the Alzheimer's Association as well as the Alzheimer's Foundation of America offer a lot of information and education on their websites.

Education does help though it can't always take away the pain.
Carol

From a practical perspective what my Mom does is hide her money from the caregivers who are of course "a bunch of thieves" who will "steal anything that's not nailed down". Then she forgets where she hid her money. Fortunately she now forgets she had any money to begin with. You try to find humor where you can.

This may be way off base, but maybe having some money to hold in her hot little hand would help. Maybe it is less about the money and more about feelings of security and safety and control that money is a strong symbol of. Idea: Get her a jar and stuff if with quarters and ones, fives, tens and a twenty. About a hundred dollars. She can keep the jar visible, and can count the money whenever she wants to. That might be enough to satisfy the emotional craving for security, and the sense of keeping her money safe. Just a thought.

Singing~My mother is in a memory care facility/assisted living. Money is a big control issue for her, I gave her several $1.00 bills to keep in her wallet. She still has them. You are right and it may depend on the stage they are in too.