My mother-in-law came home from 6 months at a nursing home. The stress is already building. Advice? - AgingCare.com

My mother-in-law came home from 6 months at a nursing home. The stress is already building. Advice?

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She does not take good care of herself, obese and diabetic. We thought she would come home stronger than she did as she does live alone. We knew she would need help with meals, bathing, and wound care. But she requires assist from wheelchair to chairs, assist to stand, assist off the toilet. This is not what she needs to be able to live alone, even with support.
We have first year empty nest, slight marital difficulty, strained relationship between husband and his mother so I resent that she is home, and I feel guilty for the resentment. That makes me a yucky person. Feel like a yucky person.

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Thank you everyone for all of the different views. We set up more help,through the week, therapy, meals delivered and getting her bathed. That is going to be a great help! Working in setting boundaries, today was no, doctor would not like you to take Imodium as you had bowel surgery and loose is bette than no go. Met with an " oh. From her. 😀
Having you all tell me it's a choice and I'm not responsible and a bad person I'd I don't do everything. I have been her sole caregiver for several years. She lives in her own home, I shop and helped with the health care but never to this degree that she needs now. My own health suffered as I pushed to hard, learned to to take care of myself first, so I was shocked, overwhelmed and resentful when she came home. Setting reasonable and doable boundaries are helping.
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Hanksmom, I know exactly how you are feeling we are in the same boat without a life vest.
We knew that when my mil moved from out of state to be closer to family we knew our days of early retirement and emptynesting were over since wewould be her main source of transportation. Fine we could do that. We found her a nice senior living apt, flew out packed up her belongings and drove her across country and moved her into her new place. I found her new Drs, hairdresser and so on. She was in good health for a 86 yr old walking with a cane for balance, so daily visits wouldn't be needed but how soon things changed.

She likes her toddies which is the reason she was not driving anymore, and for the move mainly. Her drinking had also caused her to fall previously and abroken hip was the outcome, my brother in laws found her highball glass by her chair so we knew it was probably the cause. I flew out then and help her for a month after her release from rehab and when I left she was still sober but within a week she was out buying it and drinking again.
Fastforward six months after her move here she wasn't socializing again and we noticed her consumption had picked up. My husband began monitoring the levels of each bottle on visits but everytime we try to intervene or have a conversation we hit the wall of anger and resistance. My husband and his two brothers were all on the same page and each of them again tried to get through to her to stop drinking before another accident happened.
We told her on the next weekly grocery trip we were not purchasing alcohol, and she agreed at the time. But when we got to the check out she said I need some Gin. We said calmly we talked about this mom and you know we are not buying it, she was appalled and got angry but we stuck to our guns and so she hustled off to get it on her own. I was fuming and my husband was beyond pissed. After we got into the car we told her when we get back to her apt we are getting you settled and we are leaving. She didn't care she had what she wanted and the silent treatment began. That lasted 3 days until she needed something and called to see if we could take her to get a prescription, my hubby said he would pick it up and drop it off. We he got there he said what happened to you eye. She had fallen and gave herself a black eye but hadn't injured herself besides bruising. She hid it from us until we saw it because she knew what was coming, another toughlove talk.
It is frustrating to have to repeat yourself over and over about the same issue and worrying will this talk/battle cause them to have a heart attack. She again promised to stop but that didnt happen soon enough. She fell a few days later and broke her other hip.
Since that day our lives have been hectic finding a suitable rehab center that could take her, she wanted a private room. (She demands the best of the best and if she don't get it you will hear about it and so will everyone else) We found a new place and she got the suite for a $200 extra dollars out of pocket after Medicare paying there portion. Fine she got it, and was making progressin rehab but still complained about the food they served. She was losing weight and liked the comments she looked so thin. We brought in snacks and food on our visits but she rarely ate it she rather get attention from the staff about her weightloss.
She was a week of coming home when we noticed on a Sunday visit she was
lethargic and her memory was off and her
speech was slurred. We told the staff and that night she fell hit and her head and was on 24hr watch. When the Dr came in she was sent to the ER for evaluation and it was found she had a stoke. 7days later she was released back to rehab and was starting all over. Within 2 wks she was going to exhaust her Medicare time and would need to pay out of pocket or move to a place thst would eventually take Medicaid. Our search was on for a new place with a private room of course and up to her standards. After many visits to multiple places we found one we hoped she'd like that had a private room, and 2 days later we packed up her and her items and moved her again. Tired and hopeful we got her settled. She hated the room since she had to share a bathroom and complained to anyone that would listen. She was put on a waiting list but still whined on every phone call and visit about it, that and that this facility was a rehab/nursing home and everyone was old and there to die.Thankfully she did like the
food and began gaining weight and was
improving in therapy once again. It took her 3 months to graduate therapy. Apparently once you are able to walk with a walker you are done but her mind since the stroke wasn't the same and memory and other tasks to live on her own would require help.
At her evaluation with the staff it was discussed what help she would need daily and at that time my hubby said we could not do that. Another meeting was set up with a SW and nurse from waivered services from the Division on Aging. They said what they could offer but mom would still need alot of support from us. The decision was hers to make so of course she ran with it knowing we were not on board and her safety was our main concern. We told the SW we were not willing to give up our lives and that my health sometimes doesnt allow me to be
on call since I suffer from migraines and have fibromyalgia. I had pushed through 2 flare ups since this began and stress only makes both issues worse.
She was hellbound on going home even after the facilty bumped her up the list and offered her that private room she wanted. Of course she declined and two weeks later we had prepared her apt for her return home with 2 aides for two 3 hour shifts daily. She needs help with self care and to do daily tasks like cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and laundry. We made sure to let them know we didn't want the responsiblity for her care on the off times and that we were not responsible for elder neglect down the road. It was her choice not ours. Our goal was to act like a family and not caregivers and do family outings and go out to a restaurant now and then.
We are still involved ALOT and since her return home have had many different Dr visits some major and some minor. Mom has had to have surgery to remove skin
cancer on her arm, and now a small thing can turn into a major so quickly with a person of her age it is unpredictable and scary.


Good luck to everyone that is where we all are now in our lives. And Bless you all to have the strength to get through one day at a time.
Hugs
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Please don't feel that you are a horrible person. When my MIL moved in with us, I kicked a hole in a door that my husband had custom-made; he said I was vile. I was not -- I was just a woman trying to do her best, distraught over my lack of privacy, and upset by my new role as a servant to a cruel person for the indefinite future. We can't talk her into getting end-of-life care apart from us (in rural Montana), so we are in the same boat -- only perhaps closer to the final shore. It is SO stressful. My husband is a pushover for what Mom wants, but I'm in the tough love camp -- for example, he'd have me do all her dishes, but I make her do her own (since she's able and needs something to do, and distract from all her dementia-based paranoia). To protect yourself and your sanity, you have to set boundaries. Decide what you will do, and what you will NOT do -- how many lifts/assists a day (apart from emergencies), how many meals you'll provide, etc. Spell it out, and have him do the rest. If it becomes too much, he'll have to help his mom make the decision to find a full-time caretaker. (Wish I could get one....)
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Do you mean Medicare? Medicaid does not reach a limit. If she has funds and she decided to come home, then she needs to pay for the care she needs to be able to be independent at home.

It is not automatically your job to care for your MIL. It's a choice you can make. Remember that.
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When you say she's home, is she in her own home with you staying with/calling in on her, or your home with you caring for her full-time?
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If mom-in-law was able to walk at the nursing home and get around, she should be able to do the same at home. Sometimes when people come back home, they fall back into their old habits wanting everyone to help them, instead of learning to help themselves.

Sometimes tough love is needed. Limit the number of things that you plan to do for her so she can do things for herself... in the long run if she can accomplish chores it will make her feel better.
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She made the decision. Long answer short.
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Medicaid hit the number of days. She could self pay, but nursing home and her told us she was able to come home. She was walking and able to get up. And she can, but not the number of times needed when living alone. At the meeting, my husband asked the question about her abilities, and everyone said is was ok. Even when he said, we had not seen her walk, he was assured that she could handle it. She was in nursing home 100 miles from home as she doctors there. Rural wyoming.
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Hanksmom, curious why your mom-in-law was in a nursing home for 6 months... and who made the decision that she would be able to come home? Did she make that decision herself? Sounds like she would need around the clock care that only a nursing home can provide, unless she is able to hire two or three caregivers to come in each day.
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