I am sole caregiver for mom who has dementia for more than 8 years, I feel horrible for telling my mom you are sh*t. and this is the second time I do that in my life. I just lost my temper. I called mom with this after I spend an hour trying to change her diaper and cloths. all feces on her cloths and diaper. I tried first nicely even I think I was stressed and exhausted. I spent nights sleeping only two to three hours only just to prevent the dirt go outside the bathroom or when I hear something I jump from my bed check on my mom make sure she is okay and did not fall this is going on for months and months. I am so tired and I am fogy. I know this is not an excuse to call mom a name. I do love mom and I feel so horrible. I feel I am really bad ugly daughter. Some time I wish I die for being some time rude to mom. I know God will punish me one day when I get old. Someone much younger than me will treat me hatefully. HATE MYSELF. I pray to God to forgive me. But God will not forgive me each time if I repeat it.
How can I control my temper when I am so tired and fatigue. Mom deserve the best

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You are not a bad person, you are human! My goodness - eight years of this with no help. Please do as was suggested and check further into Medicaid and call all of the social services organizations in your area. They often pay for a few hours of respite. Some of that may come from a human services organization and occasionally these hours go to waste because people don't know about the programs.

You must have a break for your sake and your mother's.

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Dear, dear Hope14
Many many of us will have that same awful feeling of sometimes cracking and calling our beloved Mom - or other loved one we are caring for - awful, despicable names. We don't mean it - it is just that our loved ones are so difficult sometimes (through no fault of their own, just this damn disease) that we just crack.
The wonderful thing is that our loved ones forget...we don't, and tear ourselves apart with guilt... But blissfully they completely forget, just as they forget and deny they've done or said what made us crack in the first case!
I have no doubt will be merciful to us in our sorrow of not being SUPER carer. He knows what is in our heart and will not chastise us even though we may fall again.

Take heart dear friend. We are all in this together.
Big big hug to you from New Zealand!
Helpful Answer (21)

You have been a caregiver for 8 years. That is a long time. Please don't be so hard on yourself, you are NOT a bad daughter. You're stressed out and you need a break.

Is there someone you can call upon to come and relieve you for a little while? A sibling? An aunt or uncle? Is your mom in a position financially to have some in-home help temporarily while you get away for a while?

None of us can be effective if we're exhausted and burned out. Please look into getting someone to help out so you can get away for a bit. Even for a day. Some nursing homes offer respite care for caregivers where their elderly loved ones go into the facility temporarily (like for a weekend) while the caregiver takes a breather. Please look into this.

You're human, you're exhausted, you're under a lot of stress and you're doing the best you can. Come here and vent. Let it all out and we'll listen and support you.
Helpful Answer (20)

How do you do it all on your own? You are amazing! My only suggestion is to seriously look into a nursing facility , maybe even a county facility , I realize your mom may not like the idea , but as one post said, if you get seriously ill, or even die the state will do that any way . having said that, if you decide on that , you can go every day, participate in her care and have LESS STRESS so you might be free to easily show your mom how much you really love her. Wouldn't you prefer someone do that for you when your time comes? You are too good to be true and if you believe in God He has surely blessed you with a huge dose of compassion and knows your limitations!! Hang in there and best of luck!!
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I am at the end of caring for my husband of 63 years. It has been hell. I found that I "name" his different personalities since he isn't himself, which warns those who DO help that "Joe" is around and be careful. When I have a free moment such as now, I write and write and write. I have over 100 pages of journal. I cry. I call out to God as I thought He forgot me, but He doesn't. I searched for a person that needed some extra money that I knew and have her come and "babysit". Fortunately, she cared for her mother as you are, through Alzheimer's and knows the problems. Is she on hospice? All states have some kind of elder department that can give you some aid. But this doesn't mean that she will be nice to you. She will be the same ornery person that you have been seeing. Mine is a stroke patient and I keep reminding myself that I cannot argue with a stroke. You cannot argue with dementia. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other and see if you can find some help from church members, friends or a state agency. I have found that places that advertise help, charge $25 an hour and are not that far. The best help is someone who has been in "your shoes" and if you pay them something, they may be the answer. It is only a few hours a week, but it is something. My husband just came back from respite...five days for me. He probably will not last long. He does not eat nor drink. I still love him, but he is a body for which I am caring. God bless you. Lots of hugs.
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"Fatigue makes a coward of us all" an old quote with plenty of wisdom. Pilots cannot fly without required sleep...truck drivers are not allowed to drive without sleep,a break Fatigue clouds our ability to make informed intelligent decisions.

You can pray all you want.....but somewhere, sometime you need to help your higher power help you by making decisions that will move things forward. Anger depression and fatigue are roommates. Get outside help call the Agency on Aging take act, check out local nursing homes for possible one day at a time care.

You are not going to be canonized for sainthood by sacrificing you health. Guess what if you don't take action you will be lying next to your care receiver...........Get moving
Helpful Answer (13)

I could have written your post - I think many of us long-time caregivers feel the same at one time or another or even many times due to the stress. There is also the physical burn-out which takes a toll. All the answers are really good so I hope you can find some ideas to try. If you can't find someone who can give you a break by staying with your mom at home even for a brief period, try to find one of the senior centers who offer respite car during the day. Even a few hours could help give you a break. Most importantly, don't beat yourself up about losing your temper - we are all human and caregiving for a parent who has dementia and/or other health problems - is tremendously taxing and difficult. People who haven't done it have no idea. Take care and sending you a big hug.
Helpful Answer (12)

I am not sure what exactly your situation is but it sounds, when you say 'we' don't have much money that you may be living on her social security or whatever her resources are alone. You may have painted yourself into a financial corner, meaning that if all she has is her limited income, while that would be enough for her to exist on Medicaid, it would leave you without resources. So you and your mother, whose mind isn't all there, are left in this 'bag' like a couple of cats, together. This is not criticism but an assessment of your situation, which would explain why you feel so powerless and angry all the time. I would be too! Since you do not list your age or your work experience, I don't know what your options would be if your mother were to be placed in a Medicaid covered ltc facility and you were to be 'free' to pursue your own income and life. On the face of it, if that is at all a possibility, I would look into doing that. I have a very close friend who recently lost her husband at 59. She had not worked in over 25 years and he had brain cancer for four, during which they went through financial ruin and lost their home. Her credit was completely wrecked. She had to get a job for the first time and enter the working world at 57. I say this because she thought she couldn't do it but it's been 18 months and she surprisingly is doing much better than she ever would have thought. Don't know, but perhaps you are kind of 'hiding' from the inevitable by staying stuck in this situation, which sounds as if emotionally it is killing you. I heard a lot of comments above about how much you have on your plate and how you are not a bad person. I would think both of those things are true. You have guilt about what you are saying and doing. But if this were a child and you were doing the same thing, no one would tell you it is ok to do, that you just have a lot on your plate. I think you know this is not right and it is not going in a good direction. If you call 211 you can access a number of community services to help you and your mother in this situation. It may take a while to get things worked out. The way this sounds, you would be better off and so would she, if she were in a place where she was kept warm, safe and healthy and you visited her while you got a life of your own. Your self esteem sounds leveled. You internal 'voice' is screaming at you. That is called instinct. Listen to it. Something needs to change asap.
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I have only been a caregiver for 2 years and I know all to well what you mean. My husband has moderate( whatever that means) dementia and on the whole is pretty laid back, but he has agitated days and if I'm tired or stressed I can be short with him and start a row. I know that I shouldn't and I feel guilty after. I know it is the disease and not him, but at the moment I don't care. I'm not a natural caregiver, it's a stretch for me, but I can only keep trying.
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You both need respite. What resources do your mom's have? Are the eligible for Medicaid? Are you amenable to discussing nursing home care?
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