My siblings and I were raised by abusive and narcissistic parents. My brother (first born) became an alcoholic and drug abuser who passed away. Oldest sister has schizo-affective disorder and a host of other ailments which she attributes to being raped by our dad. The youngest one suffers from depression, anxiety, ptsd and married to a violent addict. All of us left home by 18.

I managed to get away and have not had any contact with them in over 10 years. Recently my dad passed and now mom is home alone so my oldest sister guilted me into trying to have a relationship with mom.

I made an effort because I was still craving my mother's love however started having high anxiety and feeling suicidal so I started seeing a therapist. Now 6 months later, I realized that I don't like her (our mother) and don't want any relationship with her. She is not a nice person and I don't want to cause her any pain but I prefer to live my life in peace and wish her all the best and want nothing to do with her.

My sister disagrees and says it's my duty to help take care of our mother. I don't agree and believe mom is not healthy for her either. Not once does mom acknowledge she may have made a bad decision while parenting us. Makes me very sad that we cannot be close but believe it's for the best, we are not good for each other.

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There are many posts on this site just like yours. And what is said is...a child of an abuser should never care for them. You walked away for a very good reason. Stay away. You tried and found this will not work. If sister wants to step up to the plate, then so be it. Honor your father and mother does not mean abusive parents.

You will never find love from Mom. She doesn't know how to give it.
Helpful Answer (17)

My first question is twofold: 

1.   Why does your sister attempt to direct (if not control) your actions? 

2.   Why do you listen to her?

Make your own decisions.  Your sister isn't your guardian, doesn't manage your thoughts and/or your life.
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Hold your ground.
Helpful Answer (13)

Have not read other answers.

Have no contact with this person. Let the state take control.
Helpful Answer (13)

It was your mother's duty to be a good parent. She chose not to do that, so I don't see how it's your duty to care for her. She's not a mother, and she's reaping what she sowed.

Walk away.
Helpful Answer (13)

First and foremost: (((hugs))). You have had more than your share of heartache, and I am so sorry you have had (and continue to have) to endure all of this.

You have done an exemplary job of 1) recognizing the terrible dysfunction in your family and 2) removing yourself as much as you can from it, AND setting iron boundaries around the things you can't remove yourself from!

That your sister hasn't been able to - or willing to do - the same is sad, but IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM! I'm very sorry for her, as I'm sure you are as well, but please, please don't talk yourself into believing that you have this magical "cure" for all of your family's issues, if you would only dive in and pick up caregiving. You know that's not the case; you have gotten yourself into a place that's healthy for you; don't allow someone to sabotage all of that - including yourself!

It's not "the duty" of ANY child to take care of their aging parents. We don't (or shouldn't, anyway) have children to care for us in our dotage. You are in no way trapped into caregiving, unless you let yourself be. Please don't let yourself be.

When your sister lays the "it's your duty" guilt trip on you, simply respond to her the way you did in your post: "I don't agree; and I believe mom is not healthy for either me OR you." What your sister decides to do after that is entirely on her.

Best wishes to you, and again (((hugs)))
Helpful Answer (12)

You are very smart to keep your distance from the toxic people in your life. You have to for your own metal health's sake. You have to do what is now best for you, and not worry about what your sister says or does. If she wants to stay in the dysfunction, that is on her not you. So trust your instincts and stay far away.

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself from my father, and a mother who knew, but chose to ignore, I can tell you that there are times in life when we have to cut our losses and do what's best for our own wellbeing, and if that means staying away from the people who hurt us most, then so be it.
I would however recommend trying to find it in your heart to forgive them both(even your dad who has passed)so that you can move on in your life and have the peace that you so desire. They will never be who you need them to be, and you have to make peace with that fact and get on with living your life. Just make sure that you're not repeating the same mistakes that they did.
And remember, to forgive them is for you to be healthy and whole. It will be like a very heavy weight being lifted off your shoulders.
God bless you my dear.
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No adult child should ever be a hands on caregiver to someone who’s brought them so much pain. Please don’t have a discussion about this again with anyone and take care of your own well-being. I’m sorry it couldn’t be different and wish you much peace
Helpful Answer (9)

Stay clear. I got manipulated into buying my mom's house, basically paying off her mortgage so she could have more spending money. She also couldn't afford to maintain the home. Out of 5 kids I'm the one she emotionally and psychologically abused, the family scapegoat, and the only one who has thrown a dime her way. She is now in memory care and manipulating her psychiatrist into saying that she could get out of there. My brother and I watched her performance yesterday during a virtual visit. In my experience with her, I have come to believe that her narcissism will follow her to the grave -- she is even more toxic and dangerous than she was before. Yesterday she almost seemed like she was possessed with evil. Never ever ever do anything for a narcissist and expect any gratitude, any compassion, or for them to care at all about you -- of course unless you are golden child, then you don't have to do a thing and she'll sing your praises.
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You are a very good person for attempting to help your mother. Don't doubt. However, my advice would be not to walk away but to run away. She brought children into this world but chose to abuse them. You should absolutely not choose to allow her to continue to do so--your mental and physical health depend on it. That being said, work on being able to forgive your parents for your own peace of mind. They were damaged people, but that doesn't mean you should allow them to damage you any more than they may have already done. Bless you for being grounded enough to recognize this and to move forward with your life.
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