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My siblings and I were raised by abusive and narcissistic parents. My brother (first born) became an alcoholic and drug abuser who passed away. Oldest sister has schizo-affective disorder and a host of other ailments which she attributes to being raped by our dad. The youngest one suffers from depression, anxiety, ptsd and married to a violent addict. All of us left home by 18.


I managed to get away and have not had any contact with them in over 10 years. Recently my dad passed and now mom is home alone so my oldest sister guilted me into trying to have a relationship with mom.


I made an effort because I was still craving my mother's love however started having high anxiety and feeling suicidal so I started seeing a therapist. Now 6 months later, I realized that I don't like her (our mother) and don't want any relationship with her. She is not a nice person and I don't want to cause her any pain but I prefer to live my life in peace and wish her all the best and want nothing to do with her.


My sister disagrees and says it's my duty to help take care of our mother. I don't agree and believe mom is not healthy for her either. Not once does mom acknowledge she may have made a bad decision while parenting us. Makes me very sad that we cannot be close but believe it's for the best, we are not good for each other.

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First and foremost: (((hugs))). You have had more than your share of heartache, and I am so sorry you have had (and continue to have) to endure all of this.

You have done an exemplary job of 1) recognizing the terrible dysfunction in your family and 2) removing yourself as much as you can from it, AND setting iron boundaries around the things you can't remove yourself from!

That your sister hasn't been able to - or willing to do - the same is sad, but IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM! I'm very sorry for her, as I'm sure you are as well, but please, please don't talk yourself into believing that you have this magical "cure" for all of your family's issues, if you would only dive in and pick up caregiving. You know that's not the case; you have gotten yourself into a place that's healthy for you; don't allow someone to sabotage all of that - including yourself!

It's not "the duty" of ANY child to take care of their aging parents. We don't (or shouldn't, anyway) have children to care for us in our dotage. You are in no way trapped into caregiving, unless you let yourself be. Please don't let yourself be.

When your sister lays the "it's your duty" guilt trip on you, simply respond to her the way you did in your post: "I don't agree; and I believe mom is not healthy for either me OR you." What your sister decides to do after that is entirely on her.

Best wishes to you, and again (((hugs)))
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There are many posts on this site just like yours. And what is said is...a child of an abuser should never care for them. You walked away for a very good reason. Stay away. You tried and found this will not work. If sister wants to step up to the plate, then so be it. Honor your father and mother does not mean abusive parents.

You will never find love from Mom. She doesn't know how to give it.
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Hold your ground.
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My first question is twofold: 

1.   Why does your sister attempt to direct (if not control) your actions? 

2.   Why do you listen to her?

Make your own decisions.  Your sister isn't your guardian, doesn't manage your thoughts and/or your life.
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You are very smart to keep your distance from the toxic people in your life. You have to for your own metal health's sake. You have to do what is now best for you, and not worry about what your sister says or does. If she wants to stay in the dysfunction, that is on her not you. So trust your instincts and stay far away.

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself from my father, and a mother who knew, but chose to ignore, I can tell you that there are times in life when we have to cut our losses and do what's best for our own wellbeing, and if that means staying away from the people who hurt us most, then so be it.
I would however recommend trying to find it in your heart to forgive them both(even your dad who has passed)so that you can move on in your life and have the peace that you so desire. They will never be who you need them to be, and you have to make peace with that fact and get on with living your life. Just make sure that you're not repeating the same mistakes that they did.
And remember, to forgive them is for you to be healthy and whole. It will be like a very heavy weight being lifted off your shoulders.
God bless you my dear.
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Have not read other answers.

Have no contact with this person. Let the state take control.
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It was your mother's duty to be a good parent. She chose not to do that, so I don't see how it's your duty to care for her. She's not a mother, and she's reaping what she sowed.

Walk away.
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Very sorry about your abusive parents. Your parents' behavior have not gained any respect for their children! Do not listen to your sister to get you trapped with your mother.
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Stay clear. I got manipulated into buying my mom's house, basically paying off her mortgage so she could have more spending money. She also couldn't afford to maintain the home. Out of 5 kids I'm the one she emotionally and psychologically abused, the family scapegoat, and the only one who has thrown a dime her way. She is now in memory care and manipulating her psychiatrist into saying that she could get out of there. My brother and I watched her performance yesterday during a virtual visit. In my experience with her, I have come to believe that her narcissism will follow her to the grave -- she is even more toxic and dangerous than she was before. Yesterday she almost seemed like she was possessed with evil. Never ever ever do anything for a narcissist and expect any gratitude, any compassion, or for them to care at all about you -- of course unless you are golden child, then you don't have to do a thing and she'll sing your praises.
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You are a very good person for attempting to help your mother. Don't doubt. However, my advice would be not to walk away but to run away. She brought children into this world but chose to abuse them. You should absolutely not choose to allow her to continue to do so--your mental and physical health depend on it. That being said, work on being able to forgive your parents for your own peace of mind. They were damaged people, but that doesn't mean you should allow them to damage you any more than they may have already done. Bless you for being grounded enough to recognize this and to move forward with your life.
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Stay away. Stick to your guns. Your mother would be best with a state guardian when the time comes for someone else to make her decisions. Your mother will never change. You will never have your mother’s love in a healthy way. I have paraphrased this before: forgiveness is realizing you will never have a different past.

Don’t fall for the “duty” nonsense. You don’t owe an abusive parent that failed to protect you anything. You do owe it to yourself to heal. I am in a similar situation, except I manage my mother’s finances. But if I had known better, I should have left her to state guardianship. I don’t visit. Ever. Even the calls from the facility can trigger my anxiety and depression.

While you will never have your mother’s love, you can have love from other healthy sources including self love. I don’t wish my mother harm, I only wish her comfort. And I’m thankful for the patience of the facility staff where she lives. But I keep my boundaries strong. I know it’s hard when you see other families functioning well. We need to create a new family for ourselves. All my love to you!
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You have your answer.You can't take care of someone who doesn't want it.And I've found out recently through a panic attack I I can't do everything without getting sick. Maybe look into a home health care workers if she can afford it or a assisted living for her.its helped me with taking care of my mother-in-law who lives with us.
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You can help without becoming directly involved with your mother. Caretaking involves a lot of research, phone calls sometimes a lot of paperwork, and money. You are probably right that it is not a healthy relationship for her but that has to be her decision. Can you support from afar by taking on the paperwork etc? Maybe you can find means for a paid caretaker so your sister doesn’t have to do the heavy lifting but won’t feel guilty for leaving her mother “in the cold”, so to speak. It may not seem logical to you but I’m sure you don’t want her to question herself for the rest of her life if she believes she should do this. Do t misunderstand, I think you’ve made the right call for yourself and your own mental health just understand your sister isn’t there yet.

My daughter’s father was an addict until his death at 57 years old. At the end, he suffered from cirrhosis of the liver brought on by his addictions. My oldest took on his care even though he’d been a pretty terrible father. We were speaking the other day about caring for the parent who didn’t care for you. (My husband and I are caring for his narcissistic mother currently) She relayed her feelings that she needed to the “right” thing even though he hadn’t. It was the right thing for her but each of us had to make our own decision. My younger daughter did not agree with her doing this for reasons very much like yours, but supported her from afar; getting information from the VA (he was a veteran) to assist with his care and doing other legwork. She did not care to be directly involved but loves her sister and didn’t want her to do it alone. Now he’s gone and they both are ok with their decisions. I wish the best for you and your family.
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Lovemom1941 has it right. Help your sister by doing whatever you can that is not working with your Mom directly. Caretaking is a very hard, lonely, and draining job and there is so much you can do to help take the full burden off your sister.
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In my situation, it's my DH who kind of pushes me to have a relationship with his mom. I 'divorced her' 2 years ago and have had peace in my heart about that since. I do not see nor speak to her and plan to never do so again. He hates having to go see her alone and liked me to go so she'd have someone to take the vitriol she dishes out.

Sure, I wish it had been different, but I honestly did my BEST to deal with her and her crazy. It simply became impossible and downright exhausting to 'honor her' when she was outright mean and horrible to me. Someone who tells you to your face that they wish you had died from the cancer you'd just dealt with--how do you listen to that and feel all warm and fuzzy? And why go back for more?

Worst part was nobody believed me. Why would anyone make up crap like that? And that's the tiny tip of the iceberg.

My DH is angry with me, but he cannot talk me into trying any more to be her friend, daughter, nothing. Even my SIL has finally seen that what I've said over the years is truth. DH's brother does not have a relationship with his mother, doesn't speak to or see her. AND I'M the bad one? (He's a psychologist--so a lot more inside info on whatever is wrong with her).

I do not do things to make her life worse. I also don't do anything to make it better (anymore, used to do a lot). Staying away from her is the best thing.
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Those of us who were raised by abusive parents have complicated lives, even if we do break away from the sick dynamic in which we grew up. For any child, even one raised in a more normal family, caring for a parent is difficult and there are many problems to overcome. For us, the odds are greatly against any positive outcome if we try to resume contact.

I did reconnect and had some partial success. I had totally given up on doing anything or being anything that my mother could love as a pre-teen and I didn't expect that as an adult. However, in my 60's my husband and I did choose to move 3,000 miles to a small city near my mother and 2 sisters. One of many reasons for the move was my intention of assisting my two sisters in Mom's care.

My assistance was quite limited--I spent almost no time in her house, did no physical care, etc. What I did was take her to lunch, take her for drives, and run the errands. That saved my sisters some time and got Mom out of the house for a couple of hours each week. Mom and I did not learn to love each other. We did not become close friends. However, we did have a chance to have some adult conversations about a few things of mutual interest, a few things that I learned from her that I liked (baking and gardening). In her final years I got to know her as a human being rather than as a monster. Some of the things she subjected me to as a child were unforgivable and, frankly, went un-forgiven. Nevertheless, I was able to come to terms with how my early life was a part of me. I am not sure that I would use the word "closure" but maybe something close to that. The best thing to come out of the process was a new friendship with 2 of my sisters.

That being said, do absolutely nothing out of guilt or duty. You have no reason for guilt and duty does not apply. You owe your mother nothing. You have every right to live your life in whatever peace you can find. The only reason that you should do anything at all for your mother is if there is something you might get out of it. Neither should your sister's--or anyone else's--opinion matter in your choice. Feel good and right in making the decisions that are right for you. Your mother deprived you of a proper childhood, you do have the right to define how you spend your own adult years. Good luck and stick up for yourself. You deserve it.
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No adult child should ever be a hands on caregiver to someone who’s brought them so much pain. Please don’t have a discussion about this again with anyone and take care of your own well-being. I’m sorry it couldn’t be different and wish you much peace
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I have seen situations like this and have seen the horrible consequences when these "children" were so abused by bad parents and yet still seek their love. It just is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN - EVER. I am a Power of Attorney to a friend who endured this as a child and because she couldn't give up trying and yearning, her mind finally went off into space forever. She has as a result been living in a nursing home for years. If anyone, family or other, is abusive, neglectful, cruel, mean, etc., no matter what or why or when or how - YOU MUST FIND A WAY TO SEVER ALL TIES, MOVE ON AND NEVER LOOK BACK. You can have a better life and don't let anyone guilt you. You owe these people NOTHING - LOOK OUT FOR YOU. I speak from experience - I finally got the guts to move on and it was the best thing I ever did. Leopards do not change their spots, nor do people. Forget them and think of you.
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Where was your mothers duty to be loving and nurturing to you?

STAY AWAY from narcissist's they will only bring you grief and pain.

If your sister is so concenred she should take care of your mother.
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Sounds like you are not now living your life in peace. Pick up a dictionary the next time you are in your right mind and look up the word PEACE. Do you really deserve peace thinking like this? HONOR THY MOTHER and look for nothing else, and then watch the universe take your hand....for better or for worse!
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Neither one of these people are capable of giving you good advice. Your sister just wants to palm her off on you so she doesn't feel guilty herself. It's ok to not have a relationship with an abuser, and I would include your older sister here as well--if she cared for you she wouldn't push the relationship. Stand firm.

''Oldest sister has schizo-affective disorder and a host of other ailments which she attributes to being raped by our dad. The youngest one suffers from depression, anxiety, ptsd and married to a violent addict.''
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EdenWest: Imho, subconsciously you may be vacillating by what your mother put you through, e.g. "she is not a nice person and I don't want to cause her any pain but I prefer to live my life in peace and wish her all the best and want nothing to do with her." You CANNOT nor should not provide caregiving for this woman, albeit that she is your mother. Your mental health is of paramount importance; you've already contemplated to end your own life. Do not go down this road. Please reach out to a medical professional and also to this wonderful forum of trusted, longtime posters.
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You're not caught anywhere. No rock, no hard place.
You're very clear and sound stable.
Agree to disagree with your sister and carry on.
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You have worked really hard, it sounds like, to achieve a life that brings you some satisfaction. Your sister needs to distance herself too, if she can get a therapist who will help her to see that. Your mother can be "honored" by being kept fed and healthy at a distance. You have moved on, and you can let that guilt train zoom on past. Good luck.
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your sister has no right to guilt you into seeing your mother. If your sister feels led to care for her, let her. You have your own life and decisions.
I had an abusive mother. When she got older, although i moved out of state, i tried to stay connected to visit once in awhile and call her. She never showed any connection to me except to be the one to complain to about her life. she brought me down with every call. She was bitter and selfish. She wanted people to wait on her.
We do not owe the people who broke up anything. Even if they are a parent. Everyone has a choice in their life to hurt or help. She chose to hurt. If she hasn't repented or changed, then why return to a hurtful environment?
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