How not to hurt?

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I found my mom in bed the other night without dinner and without saying good night. I had asked her a laundry question, “Did you put poopy clothes in the laundry basket?” She said no and I proceeded to rewash the load before I finished making dinner.


While I was cooking I emptied the dishwasher with all the clatter that entails, to find that she wasn’t in her recliner when I brought out her dinner tray.


We often have to argue over what was lunch and why she needs to eat dinner (she’s diabetic) so I thought she was trying to skip a meal again.


When She got up, she said: “I’m sorry to make you mad at me. If I put soiled clothes in the hamper it was an accident.”


I felt about 3 inches tall, I tell you!


I said, “I only asked you because I saw a dirty diaper in your garbage. I wasn’t scolding you.”


Turns out she thought I was slamming dishes around (which I was) when I emptied the dishwasher because I was mad at her.


The next day I said, “Until you start reaching in your diaper and slathering poop on the walls, I don’t get mad about accidents.”


I think she started to tear up! Omg! Is she afraid of me?


To lighten the mood I said: “Besides, when I’m mad I go hide in my room so I won’t take it out on you.”


She laughed and said, “I hide sometimes too.”


The moral is: I need be careful what I say and quit being an old shrew. That’s my mom I’m talking about, I don’t want her to be afraid of me. I love her.

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That’s what is almost funny about the situation, I also wear a diaper AND a bladder pad. (I have plans for a bladder lift soon 🤞.)

But while we’re on the subject, isn’t it strange how they get their feelings hurt or irritated over things they can dish out regularly?

It's so true! Whether it’s a tone of voice or not using manners to rearranging our whole schedule without warning and blames me for not being on the same page.

Oh well, I will try to be more careful how I say things. I want her to be happy as she can be at this end of her journey
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Reply to CharK60
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Just a thought, they become like children remember and as such they act like it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Yes Willie me too. I hated caregiving. Loved my Mom but dealing with the clean up really got to me. Actually I get half sick. I hate bad smells. I think the anger comes from you really don't want to be doing this and you get no help.

My husband used to say my Mom was afraid of me. I really had no patience. I understood Dementia but I think it would have been better if stages were more defined. One day they have no idea what is going on the nxt they ask u questions about their money. I hate not knowing how they will be from day to day. I also hated having to take the brunt of everything. Yes I know this happens but it still hurts. I used to call my RN daughter when Mom got agitated to calm her down because she wouldn't believe me. She would tell my daughter she was on my side. Daughter had to tell her she wasn't she was on Moms.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Even though your question was simple enough, with no malice or anger, she's probably super-sensitive about her lack of sphincter tightness.

No, I don't think she's afraid of you, I think she's embarrassed, not being able to control her bowels and having "accidents". (I don't have the tightest bladder and occasionally have to tip-toe to the bathroom to not have a drop roll out until I sit down.) She's upset that she is causing you more work for something she always used to control. It's depressing to watch your own decline and also having to rely on someone else to clean up after you.

Loose lips sink more than ships. Maybe, by not bringing it up, you'll save her dignity. Poor her and you. You sound like you really love her. I'm sure she knows that.
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Reply to SueC1957
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My family once told me I was always angry, I couldn't understand what they were talking about. When my hands on caregiving ended I finally understood that I really had been living with a slow simmering level of frustration and anger for years and just didn't recognize it until I reached total burn out. Be kind to yourself and take as much time for yourself as you can.
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Reply to cwillie
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