Follow
Share

She flew into a narcissistic rage and we didn’t even get to eat dinner last night due to the arguing. She pulled every nasty tactic she could and has used before. We can’t go on living with her, but she says she does nothing wrong. Nothing but make us walk on egg shells. Now I come to work this morning and I’m feeling so guilty. Even after she said really hateful things to both of us. Someone please tell me that it’s not wrong to want our life back. Please I feel like I’ve been run over by a garbage truck. Help and support please.

Does she kick in any money toward your internet/WiFi bill? If not, then here you go: If she is tippy tapping away on her iPad when you’re trying to talk to her, I would grab it and absolutely type in, “This is Edna’s daughter. Please mind your own business. This is a private family matter. Thank you.” And log her off. I would pay to see the look on her face.

You know, if you persist in doing things like that, I can almost guarantee she will leave a smoke trail on her way out to an apartment. Make it as unpleasant for her as she’s made it for you. It’s ok for you to be the “bad kid” now.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Report

It disturbs me that you are having to take the day off and are taking her alone. You may as well paint a target on your forehead. Mom is already poo-pooing the Assisted Living and she hasn’t even been there yet. So she read a review online and now the food is terrible. I predict she will lead the entourage through the AL nitpicking here, complaining there, with her nose up in the air and a prune face of distaste. And when you get home, YOUR home, having suffered through the day and one day’s less pay, Mother dear will rip you a new one about how dare you take her to such a dump. Your son will glare at her (with good reason) and your husband will clear his throat and either hide behind the newspaper or turn up the volume on the television. Bring in the chainsaw if you have one because the thick atmosphere is going to get even thicker. Mom-100 Soflagrown & Family-0. She will sit and smile benevolently because once again, she has won.

I would take her out AGAIN this weekend and continue looking. She will be so shocked she may just cave without realizing it. It will show her you’re d*mn serious and she has to GO.

I sincerely hope I’m wrong. Take your “I’m NOT putting up with her (stuff)” pills tomorrow and when you go, tell her the place is beautiful, the room is fine and who cares about the food. You’ll bring her a Big Mac.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Report
Soflagrown Sep 26, 2018
Wow you are a mind reader. She got up and wanted to know why I was home after she agreed to go yesterday. Now she is in some kind of fit and says she needs to pay bills before we can go. She’s going to draw this out as long as she can. But I’m not backing down. I didn’t take the day off for nothing. She’s acting like a spoiled teenager and bullying me and I won’t put up with that. We are going to go today. We will see what happens this weekend. She is not going to give an inch. She is truly hateful and would like to see me horizontal
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
Sent a prayer up. Good Luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

I completely agree with ahmijoy.

Do not leave this for her to do on her own. She’ll drag it out as long as you’ll tolerate.

The time came for my mom to move to a nursing home. I found a really
posh, small and privately owned NH 15 minutes from my house right off the bat. But no. Golden Child brother got suckered into believing my mom wanted to participate and look as well.

Two months later my brother finally bought a vowel and after taking her to look at dozens of places - which included Golden Boy spending the entire day with her and taking her out to lunch - after two months of that, he finally decided he’d give his prized stamp of approval on the place I found - and finally told our mom “enough”. Boy, was mom shocked. And P.O.’d. Too bad.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Rainmom
Report
Soflagrown Sep 25, 2018
Thank you. Tomorrow I’m taking the day off of work and taking her to do a tour. So we’ll see. She already said she read reviews about their food and it wasn’t good. The place has a double bedroom but she would be the only one there because they don’t have another person. I hope this will be the last obstacle we have to endure. I’ve been told the people that work at these places are masters in encouraging them to stay. Please please say a prayer for both of us. I want her to be safe and have friends, not be alone
(3)
Report
Ok just as I thought she lied and didn’t do the tour. She went to look at a two bedroom apt in a not so great part of town and she doesn’t even know if she will get it. She doesn’t want to share an apt with another woman in independent living even if they have their own bed and bath
in her narcissistic tone she managed to turn everything around on me. I shouldn’t have left work but I wanted to confront her about lying about the appt. ok so after two hours of arguing I come back into my house and she comes over and says she just wants a hug. After all the nasty things she said. Then she leaves to go and look for apartment rental signs. I don’t believe that but I don’t know what she’s doing. Please give me advice on what I should or shouldn’t believe from her. pLEASE
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Soflagrown
Report
Ahmijoy Sep 25, 2018
Wasn’t there a song once that said something like “believe half of what you see and none of what you hear”? This is what we have here. Mother is regretting saying she was going to move out and figures now maybe huggies and kissy face will work.

She should not be taking off on her own, especially in less than safe parts of town, to go apartment hunting. Not everyone will tolerate her like you guys do and she could get mugged or worse if she smartmouths the wrong person.

Set aside a weekend. This coming weekend? Lasso hubby and tell him he’s coming with. College football will have to wait. He has no choice. You should not and are not going alone with Mother, dear.

Today is Tuesday. Get out your iPad or whatever you use and surf realtor.com or Zillow.com. Look in the newspaper under apartments for rent. Call the Area Agency on Aging for possible senior living apartments.

If you let her keep piddling and ferdiddling around, she will never move out. She will never find an apartment that meets her standards. It will be one excuse after another and one lie after another. This is why she doesn’t go alone. She opened her mouth about getting an apartment and didn’t think you’d take her up on it but you did. Oops on her.

Do you really want her to move out? If you sincerely do, I hope you will consider my suggestions. This coming weekend, Mother, dear. We WILL find an apartment. You will have Sunday to consider what we looked at and you WILL sign a lease on Monday.
(3)
Report
And look at the place we suggested it. Problem is I don’t know if I can trust her or if she’s lying about doing it. In the process of her Saturday morning rant she managed to piss my adult son off and now there is tension so thick that a Mack truck couldn’t drive through it. I’m so done with all of this. Yesterday I almost felt like I had a small victory and today a whole way of depression has set in again. Please let me know if all the feelings I have are normal. I just want my life back. I want to stop walking through it like a zombie. I want her to move on
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Soflagrown
Report
FrazzledMama Sep 24, 2018
I'm so sorry for the loss of your MIL. As far as your mom, I would go ahead and make that appt for the facility she mentioned. Remind her that she will be able to have a nice apartment, and if there are other activities or amenities, like weekly housekeeping, meals, etc. be sure to mention the benefits. Like someone mentioned, those with narc tendencies love having an audience too!

The feelings you are having are normal. It sounds like you are really burned out. Maybe this appointment will be a first step toward getting some space back.

Hugs, keep coming back and let us know how everything goes.
(2)
Report
Hello

ok it’s been 3 weeks since we told her independent living would be a good idea. My 75 year old mother in law passed away last Sunday after being in the hospital for only a week. So we got one week of grieving and my narcissistic mother dropped another bomb Saturday morning. After many phone calls to try to find an apartment she has agreed to gona
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Soflagrown
Report

You are doing the right thing. Do whatever it takes to make it happen. Eight years is a long stretch and you and your husband deserve to have your lives back and to enjoy your time together without mom. Plus, once your mom gets into independent living she will love having a whole new audience.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to bokbokbok
Report

Certainly you should feel no guilt over asking mother to go into independent living? Why on earth not?  Home is for husband, wife and kids.  Only in extreme circumstances, where there are no alternatives, should you feel you must house in-laws. 

Narcissists are very manipulative - pushing guilt on you is their thing. Don't bite.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to rovana
Report

Well she cornered me this morning and dealt me a full narcissistic flush of a hand. I basically calmly talked back and eventually said I had to do laundry. She said she’s going to need a couple of months to find something. I keep offering to take her on an independent living tour but she refuses. My husband told me to quit offering and I think he’s right. One minute she says she’s alone and the next she says she has ten people working on finding her a place. It’s completely exhausting and I don’t want to get cornered again. Any words of support and strength. I feel like I need to worry about her safety
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Soflagrown
Report

Hang in there!
I'm so glad it was civil.
Just remember that she will use every emotion you feel against you! Because she is incapable of feeling emotion. It is all a big act, in the ultimate goal of getting you to do what she wants. So, ditch the guilt. Barb said on another thread that guilt is for people who have actually done something wrong (like the last time I got caught speeding! I was definitely guilty! Lol.).
I love your saying about helping a narcissist....
Hugs.
Sparkles
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to sparkles87
Report
Soflagrown Sep 8, 2018
Thank you so much for the support. It really does make a difference and helps when I get it from other people. I’ve had this my whole life and it took everything I had to tell her but I did. The mental abuse was rappant in my childhood but also continued into my adulthood. I mistakenly thought it was all her wicked husbands fault which I still think that, but when she came to live with us I could no longer only blame him. It’s only become obvious to me in the last couple of years. The making me think I’m crazy and over sensitive. As a child I used to think to myself that other adults thought I was normal so why did the two of them do there best to make me think I was overly sensitive, imagining things, and remembering things that they completely remembered differently
Anyway thank you again for reading this and for your kind words of support
(0)
Report
Well last night there was no fighting it was very civil. We want to help her go into an independent living and she says she’s not doing that. I don’t know where she’s looking and today I’m having a major case of guilt. But at the same time I was losing my mind. Trying to help a narcissist is like trying to hand feed a great white shark. I just am worried about what kind of apt etc she will be going. She is refusing our help. I would help her every step of the way but she won’t have it. My emotions are on a roller coaster today
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Soflagrown
Report
Ahmijoy Sep 8, 2018
Time to cut the proverbial cord, Soflagrown. She is waiting for you to express your guilt and indecision and for your pleas to help her so she can throw it all up in your face.

When she chooses a place, put imaginary tape over your mouths and buy some bubble wrap and boxes. If Hubby backslides and procrastinates, put on your pointy-toed shoes and apply them accordingly to his backside.

Dont visit unless invited. Don’t stew and worry. Help with anything IF she asks you but don’t volunteer.

This is, of course, if you truly want things to change. Some people enjoy living high-stress, miserable lives. If you enjoy being controlled and made to “walk on egg shells”, keep things the way they are. Mom will be more than happy to oblige.
(3)
Report
Thank you for all the support. My husband and I have visited four places to try to find one. We told her this and she said she should have never moved back with us when her husband died. I told her and asked her to go on tours and she doesn’t think she’s old enough for those places. If there wasn’t so much abuse history it might have made things easier. But she likes to remember situations completely to her advantage. Don’t have any idea how tonight will work out
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Soflagrown
Report
Ahmijoy Sep 7, 2018
Tonight will work out exactly the way you and your husband let it. If you argue and carry on with her, it will be a repeat of last night. And then you will say, “well, she does this because of that”. She turns things to her own advantage because she is quite possibly a mentally-ill narcissist.

You’ve given her the power to rule your world and that’s exactly what she’s doing. Revisit those four places and tell her she has a month to pick one. If she doesn’t, you will choose for her. Find an Elder Law Attorney to make sure you’re following procedure. Then start packing her stuff. If she goes off the wall, call 911. Then refuse to bring her back to your home. Everyone on this forum who’s answered your posts has basically told you the same thing.
(4)
Report
If she goes on a rampage again and it gets scary call the police.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

I just quickly scanned your posts. Since Mom has paid you nothing she is not a renter. I think this is a good thing. Your therapists says get rid of her, someone to write a letter.

Again, consult a lawyer first. Then find a place she can afford. You may be able to evict her. Tell her she has no choices. You can no longer support her financially or emotionally. She either takes what is offered or she will be evicted by the sheriff.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

I read back on your posts and see where you told her this before. I would consult with a lawyer what rights you and she have. Eight years is a long time. This is now considered her residence. I know you probably answered this but if she has not contributed to the household may be a good thing. If she has...things maybe different. Until you can find out what you can legally do, I would not bring it up to her again. Let her and stick by your guns. (Don't mention a lawyer). Don't back down. Just say, sorry Mom, I can't live like this anymore. You need to be on your own.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

In your profile you wrote that you were emotionally/mentally abused by your mother.

It's not wrong to want her out. Please, for your sake, get her out.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to CTTN55
Report

We can't control how other people behave, but, we can control our own actions. If you refuse to argue, then there is no argument. She can vent, but, that would be it. You already expect her to be upset, say hurtful things, etc. I might let her do it and still precede with what you know has to be done.

Making your household a happy place, free of strife is a good and reasonable thing to do and if that means that mother needs to move elsewhere, why is that wrong? Sometimes, I think that seniors have a skewed view of an AL or other Long term care facility. What if she got to visit one for lunch that is pretty nice. She could see how they have activities, if she's interested. Normally, there will be an outdoor area for reading or relaxation, dining room, spa, shuttle service, hair salon, etc. Perhaps, if she saw that it wasn't so bad, she might not be as ballistic.

If she's really opposed to going, I'd seek the advice of any attorney, because you may have to jump through some hoops to really make her go, especially, if she's competent. Based on your description, I would seriously wonder if she might have some cognitive decline. Often, it's unreasonable attitudes that signal dementia and not just memory loss. Sometimes, there are difficult people who get cognitive decline and then they become more difficult. It's hard to separate what's what.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Sunnygirl1
Report

Take back your life. You have given 8 years of yourself, your energy, your home, your life force, and most likely relationships with your loved ones for your mother. Those who are narc will never wake up to the fact they do anything wrong. Trying to explain so she will understand and willingly leave likely will never work. Perhaps find a place for her in advance, then tell her you found a great place she can move to in 6 weeks or she can select another place of her choosing - but by XX day, she can no longer stay with you. Tell her you will help her get setup. Set the deadline and stick to it. It won't be easy, but after it is done I bet your life gets a lot better.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to GingerMay
Report

Mom is content and does not want to go anywhere else. She is trying to guilt you into staying put. Time for her to move so you and your husband can have peace.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to shad250
Report

Soflagrown, you already know what you need to do. Mom is a toxic tyrant who is controlling and ruining your lives and you emotional and physical well-being. I would suggest checking for a urinsry tract infection, but since you said she’s always been like this, it’s probably just her. You’ve said in previous posts that you fear she will report you to APS. Why do you fear that? It could backfire on her and the caseworker might recommend putting her in a facility if she happens to show her true colors to them.

You sound like you are carrying around a lot of guilt. It’s probably why you let Mom move in in the first place. It also sounds like you were told from a young age that everything that ever went wrong in her life was your fault. I can tell you that it’s not your fault, but you need a professional to help you with this.

As as long as Mom is living with you, things won’t change. She won’t change. You are going to have to do a complete about face. Tell her you will take her on a housing tour, be it an apartment, Independent Living, Assisted !iving, whatever. If she needs Medicaid, apply for it. She has to chose in one month. If not, you will chose for her. Be strong. As long as you tolerate this behavior, nothing will change.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Report