My husband and I suggested to my 79 year old narcissist mother that it’s time for independent living after being with us 8 plus years. Help!

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She flew into a narcissistic rage and we didn’t even get to eat dinner last night due to the arguing. She pulled every nasty tactic she could and has used before. We can’t go on living with her, but she says she does nothing wrong. Nothing but make us walk on egg shells. Now I come to work this morning and I’m feeling so guilty. Even after she said really hateful things to both of us. Someone please tell me that it’s not wrong to want our life back. Please I feel like I’ve been run over by a garbage truck. Help and support please.

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You are doing the right thing. Do whatever it takes to make it happen. Eight years is a long stretch and you and your husband deserve to have your lives back and to enjoy your time together without mom. Plus, once your mom gets into independent living she will love having a whole new audience.
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Reply to bokbokbok
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Certainly you should feel no guilt over asking mother to go into independent living? Why on earth not?  Home is for husband, wife and kids.  Only in extreme circumstances, where there are no alternatives, should you feel you must house in-laws. 

Narcissists are very manipulative - pushing guilt on you is their thing. Don't bite.
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Reply to rovana
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Well she cornered me this morning and dealt me a full narcissistic flush of a hand. I basically calmly talked back and eventually said I had to do laundry. She said she’s going to need a couple of months to find something. I keep offering to take her on an independent living tour but she refuses. My husband told me to quit offering and I think he’s right. One minute she says she’s alone and the next she says she has ten people working on finding her a place. It’s completely exhausting and I don’t want to get cornered again. Any words of support and strength. I feel like I need to worry about her safety
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Reply to Soflagrown
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Hang in there!
I'm so glad it was civil.
Just remember that she will use every emotion you feel against you! Because she is incapable of feeling emotion. It is all a big act, in the ultimate goal of getting you to do what she wants. So, ditch the guilt. Barb said on another thread that guilt is for people who have actually done something wrong (like the last time I got caught speeding! I was definitely guilty! Lol.).
I love your saying about helping a narcissist....
Hugs.
Sparkles
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Soflagrown Sep 8, 2018
Thank you so much for the support. It really does make a difference and helps when I get it from other people. I’ve had this my whole life and it took everything I had to tell her but I did. The mental abuse was rappant in my childhood but also continued into my adulthood. I mistakenly thought it was all her wicked husbands fault which I still think that, but when she came to live with us I could no longer only blame him. It’s only become obvious to me in the last couple of years. The making me think I’m crazy and over sensitive. As a child I used to think to myself that other adults thought I was normal so why did the two of them do there best to make me think I was overly sensitive, imagining things, and remembering things that they completely remembered differently
Anyway thank you again for reading this and for your kind words of support
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Well last night there was no fighting it was very civil. We want to help her go into an independent living and she says she’s not doing that. I don’t know where she’s looking and today I’m having a major case of guilt. But at the same time I was losing my mind. Trying to help a narcissist is like trying to hand feed a great white shark. I just am worried about what kind of apt etc she will be going. She is refusing our help. I would help her every step of the way but she won’t have it. My emotions are on a roller coaster today
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Ahmijoy Sep 8, 2018
Time to cut the proverbial cord, Soflagrown. She is waiting for you to express your guilt and indecision and for your pleas to help her so she can throw it all up in your face.

When she chooses a place, put imaginary tape over your mouths and buy some bubble wrap and boxes. If Hubby backslides and procrastinates, put on your pointy-toed shoes and apply them accordingly to his backside.

Dont visit unless invited. Don’t stew and worry. Help with anything IF she asks you but don’t volunteer.

This is, of course, if you truly want things to change. Some people enjoy living high-stress, miserable lives. If you enjoy being controlled and made to “walk on egg shells”, keep things the way they are. Mom will be more than happy to oblige.
(3)
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Thank you for all the support. My husband and I have visited four places to try to find one. We told her this and she said she should have never moved back with us when her husband died. I told her and asked her to go on tours and she doesn’t think she’s old enough for those places. If there wasn’t so much abuse history it might have made things easier. But she likes to remember situations completely to her advantage. Don’t have any idea how tonight will work out
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Ahmijoy Sep 7, 2018
Tonight will work out exactly the way you and your husband let it. If you argue and carry on with her, it will be a repeat of last night. And then you will say, “well, she does this because of that”. She turns things to her own advantage because she is quite possibly a mentally-ill narcissist.

You’ve given her the power to rule your world and that’s exactly what she’s doing. Revisit those four places and tell her she has a month to pick one. If she doesn’t, you will choose for her. Find an Elder Law Attorney to make sure you’re following procedure. Then start packing her stuff. If she goes off the wall, call 911. Then refuse to bring her back to your home. Everyone on this forum who’s answered your posts has basically told you the same thing.
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If she goes on a rampage again and it gets scary call the police.
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I just quickly scanned your posts. Since Mom has paid you nothing she is not a renter. I think this is a good thing. Your therapists says get rid of her, someone to write a letter.

Again, consult a lawyer first. Then find a place she can afford. You may be able to evict her. Tell her she has no choices. You can no longer support her financially or emotionally. She either takes what is offered or she will be evicted by the sheriff.
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I read back on your posts and see where you told her this before. I would consult with a lawyer what rights you and she have. Eight years is a long time. This is now considered her residence. I know you probably answered this but if she has not contributed to the household may be a good thing. If she has...things maybe different. Until you can find out what you can legally do, I would not bring it up to her again. Let her and stick by your guns. (Don't mention a lawyer). Don't back down. Just say, sorry Mom, I can't live like this anymore. You need to be on your own.
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In your profile you wrote that you were emotionally/mentally abused by your mother.

It's not wrong to want her out. Please, for your sake, get her out.
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