She flew into a narcissistic rage and we didn’t even get to eat dinner last night due to the arguing. She pulled every nasty tactic she could and has used before. We can’t go on living with her, but she says she does nothing wrong. Nothing but make us walk on egg shells. Now I come to work this morning and I’m feeling so guilty. Even after she said really hateful things to both of us. Someone please tell me that it’s not wrong to want our life back. Please I feel like I’ve been run over by a garbage truck. Help and support please.
You know, if you persist in doing things like that, I can almost guarantee she will leave a smoke trail on her way out to an apartment. Make it as unpleasant for her as she’s made it for you. It’s ok for you to be the “bad kid” now.
I would take her out AGAIN this weekend and continue looking. She will be so shocked she may just cave without realizing it. It will show her you’re d*mn serious and she has to GO.
I sincerely hope I’m wrong. Take your “I’m NOT putting up with her (stuff)” pills tomorrow and when you go, tell her the place is beautiful, the room is fine and who cares about the food. You’ll bring her a Big Mac.
Do not leave this for her to do on her own. She’ll drag it out as long as you’ll tolerate.
The time came for my mom to move to a nursing home. I found a really
posh, small and privately owned NH 15 minutes from my house right off the bat. But no. Golden Child brother got suckered into believing my mom wanted to participate and look as well.
Two months later my brother finally bought a vowel and after taking her to look at dozens of places - which included Golden Boy spending the entire day with her and taking her out to lunch - after two months of that, he finally decided he’d give his prized stamp of approval on the place I found - and finally told our mom “enough”. Boy, was mom shocked. And P.O.’d. Too bad.
in her narcissistic tone she managed to turn everything around on me. I shouldn’t have left work but I wanted to confront her about lying about the appt. ok so after two hours of arguing I come back into my house and she comes over and says she just wants a hug. After all the nasty things she said. Then she leaves to go and look for apartment rental signs. I don’t believe that but I don’t know what she’s doing. Please give me advice on what I should or shouldn’t believe from her. pLEASE
She should not be taking off on her own, especially in less than safe parts of town, to go apartment hunting. Not everyone will tolerate her like you guys do and she could get mugged or worse if she smartmouths the wrong person.
Set aside a weekend. This coming weekend? Lasso hubby and tell him he’s coming with. College football will have to wait. He has no choice. You should not and are not going alone with Mother, dear.
Today is Tuesday. Get out your iPad or whatever you use and surf realtor.com or Zillow.com. Look in the newspaper under apartments for rent. Call the Area Agency on Aging for possible senior living apartments.
If you let her keep piddling and ferdiddling around, she will never move out. She will never find an apartment that meets her standards. It will be one excuse after another and one lie after another. This is why she doesn’t go alone. She opened her mouth about getting an apartment and didn’t think you’d take her up on it but you did. Oops on her.
Do you really want her to move out? If you sincerely do, I hope you will consider my suggestions. This coming weekend, Mother, dear. We WILL find an apartment. You will have Sunday to consider what we looked at and you WILL sign a lease on Monday.
The feelings you are having are normal. It sounds like you are really burned out. Maybe this appointment will be a first step toward getting some space back.
Hugs, keep coming back and let us know how everything goes.
ok it’s been 3 weeks since we told her independent living would be a good idea. My 75 year old mother in law passed away last Sunday after being in the hospital for only a week. So we got one week of grieving and my narcissistic mother dropped another bomb Saturday morning. After many phone calls to try to find an apartment she has agreed to gona
Narcissists are very manipulative - pushing guilt on you is their thing. Don't bite.
I'm so glad it was civil.
Just remember that she will use every emotion you feel against you! Because she is incapable of feeling emotion. It is all a big act, in the ultimate goal of getting you to do what she wants. So, ditch the guilt. Barb said on another thread that guilt is for people who have actually done something wrong (like the last time I got caught speeding! I was definitely guilty! Lol.).
I love your saying about helping a narcissist....
Hugs.
Sparkles
Anyway thank you again for reading this and for your kind words of support
When she chooses a place, put imaginary tape over your mouths and buy some bubble wrap and boxes. If Hubby backslides and procrastinates, put on your pointy-toed shoes and apply them accordingly to his backside.
Dont visit unless invited. Don’t stew and worry. Help with anything IF she asks you but don’t volunteer.
This is, of course, if you truly want things to change. Some people enjoy living high-stress, miserable lives. If you enjoy being controlled and made to “walk on egg shells”, keep things the way they are. Mom will be more than happy to oblige.
You’ve given her the power to rule your world and that’s exactly what she’s doing. Revisit those four places and tell her she has a month to pick one. If she doesn’t, you will choose for her. Find an Elder Law Attorney to make sure you’re following procedure. Then start packing her stuff. If she goes off the wall, call 911. Then refuse to bring her back to your home. Everyone on this forum who’s answered your posts has basically told you the same thing.
Again, consult a lawyer first. Then find a place she can afford. You may be able to evict her. Tell her she has no choices. You can no longer support her financially or emotionally. She either takes what is offered or she will be evicted by the sheriff.
It's not wrong to want her out. Please, for your sake, get her out.
Making your household a happy place, free of strife is a good and reasonable thing to do and if that means that mother needs to move elsewhere, why is that wrong? Sometimes, I think that seniors have a skewed view of an AL or other Long term care facility. What if she got to visit one for lunch that is pretty nice. She could see how they have activities, if she's interested. Normally, there will be an outdoor area for reading or relaxation, dining room, spa, shuttle service, hair salon, etc. Perhaps, if she saw that it wasn't so bad, she might not be as ballistic.
If she's really opposed to going, I'd seek the advice of any attorney, because you may have to jump through some hoops to really make her go, especially, if she's competent. Based on your description, I would seriously wonder if she might have some cognitive decline. Often, it's unreasonable attitudes that signal dementia and not just memory loss. Sometimes, there are difficult people who get cognitive decline and then they become more difficult. It's hard to separate what's what.
You sound like you are carrying around a lot of guilt. It’s probably why you let Mom move in in the first place. It also sounds like you were told from a young age that everything that ever went wrong in her life was your fault. I can tell you that it’s not your fault, but you need a professional to help you with this.
As as long as Mom is living with you, things won’t change. She won’t change. You are going to have to do a complete about face. Tell her you will take her on a housing tour, be it an apartment, Independent Living, Assisted !iving, whatever. If she needs Medicaid, apply for it. She has to chose in one month. If not, you will chose for her. Be strong. As long as you tolerate this behavior, nothing will change.