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My husband is self centered and upsets me to no end. He doesn’t have any concern for others. I want out.

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His other choice would be round-the-clock care in his home. Can he afford it?
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All good answers . He will have to go to a nursing home. Can a doctor make it happen what if he refuses?
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With all of the health problems that you listed in your profile, who wouldn't be self concerned. Has he been that way the whole marriage?
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go for a divorce. it's the only way for an attorney to attempt a fair separation. if you wait too long, one of you may become a community spouse and that's when no attorney, no one cares about history when attempting to get Medicare/Medicaid. getting the divorce before this happens gives you a fighting chance to be treated fairly when you're faced with health issues. financial resources will be respected for both of you in a divorce, not if one or both of you need dependent care. that's when attorneys and paid court appointed caregivers decide what is good for you. (very bad idea to think they will care about your happiness. they only legally need to hold up your physical needs) If you can afford it, divorce now!
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I'm going to play devil's advocated based on some of the other threads here regarding elder abuse and neglect. Obviously OP has some concern otherwise she wouldn't have posted the question. Husband can't live alone and she is providing care.. in some of the other threads here some people feel that family members are responsible for or can be prosecuted for neglect of others who need care. How is this different and what responsibilities does OP have towards her husband who apparently requires care from others and she is the primary caregiver?
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Liebe60 Oct 21, 2019
I don't know if this will help, but - a divorce attorney will look at all needs and apply history, future, health issues, education, who cares, who don't, who has kids to help, who doesn't, blah blah and more blah. but it works. the divorce will be fair.
After one is already a dependent in a marriage, the one spouse who is not a dependent gets to tell the dependent what financial resources will be allowed for the other's care. Levels of care can swing greatly for a dependent spouse and many times happiness is overlooked, emotional well being is not considered for a dependent in a bad marriage. Hence, if one is left with an abusive or uncaring, cold, controlling spouse, the dependent spouse is left open to continued mistreatment and financial resources removed from being provided to them for care. If already divorced, all this is removed from the table. Financial resources are already separated. If a spouse who wants out of a marriage can still get a divorce before total IP of the other spouse, it's the right thing to do for both of them. No one should be expecting a Medicaid attorney to act like a divorce attorney. Of course, if there is a truly caring relationship then no divorce would even be considered at any stage. The respect of each other's health and happiness would be full frontal forces for each other. Unhappy marriages make for worse long term caring - it never gets better when ill health and more demands are added to daily life. Good divorces provide for a fair shake to the futures of all involved. Happy marriages keep on trucking and have no need to even think of divorce, knowing they would do what is best for each other as life progresses.
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Seventy-two is plenty young to start over without the old grouch! I’m in a language study group with several older friends (ages 73 to 77) and they go to Europe all the time, hiking, taking cooking or language classes—the oldest just got back from an oil-painting workshop in Provence. One is a divorcee, two are widows, and they have the best times! Even the one who kind of misses her late husband says solo adventures are more fun (hub hated to travel). Go for it! Don’t look back!
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 21, 2019
Now it has a trendy name, ‘Grey Divorce.’
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Why would you NOT be able to file for divorce if that's what you'd like to do? Go speak to a divorce attorney to see what he suggests about how to go about filing for divorce under the circumstances and how to split your marital assets, etc. You are certainly entitled to happiness and it's never too late to find it! I divorced my first husband after 22 years of marriage and never looked back or regretted my decision for 1 second.

Best of luck!
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cherokeegrrl54 Oct 20, 2019
Me too, he was a mean, narcissistic, mentally/physically and sexually abusive. I finally could get away after 21 years and i never looked back or had any regrets, ever. I may die tomorrow but i have outlived the three people who hadve hurt me the worst in my lifetime. Ex husband, his father and a sister in law.....
go and learn to be happy again.
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Becky,

I can tell you this. A good friend of mine shocked us all after a very long marriage. Her kids were grown and out of the house. She kept telling her husband that she was leaving. He told her that she never would. She told him, “Watch me!” By God, she did it. None of us believed her because she had been married for so long with many ups and downs. She showed everyone! She never looked back. I completely support her. She’s happy and I am happy for her.
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Beckymcd Oct 20, 2019
Thanks
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You know what, Becky? That’s an awfully long time to be unhappy. I’m so sorry. I can’t speak for you. I don’t like to see anyone unhappy though in a bad relationship. Speak to an attorney. I don’t think you are interested in counseling at this point.

If a divorce will bring you peace of mind. I think you should consider it. I wish you all the peace and joy in the world.
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Beckymcd Oct 19, 2019
thank you
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Not a good marriage in the first place . Married 55 years now at 72 I want to live my life. He had his stroke in 2009.. yes I’m tired but always been there for him.
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cherokeegrrl54 Oct 20, 2019
Go live the best life you can, and dont have regrets or ever look back. You haven enough!!
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I would talk to a lawyer. There are things you could lose in a divorce that you may not as a Community spouse.

Short version...as a Community Spouse your assets will be split. U will keep the house and a car. His split will need to be spent down and then Medicaid applied for. This all depends on what kind of assets u have. A lawyer versed in Medicaid can help u there.
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worriedinCali Oct 18, 2019
But she’s not asking about this because of Medicaid. She wants out of a bad marriage. May be better financially to divorce as well.
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I don’t see why legally you can’t divorce him. Are you sure this is what you want? Could you place him in a facility and let someone else handle the caregiving? You could go back to being his wife.

Just curious, how long have you been married and how long have you been caring for him? You sound worn out. I’m so sorry. Hugs!
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