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A person with dementia does not always know what is right for them. They do not know what is safe for them.
I am sure one of the concerns that your children have is that you are taking on more than is safe for you to handle.
When I was caring for my Husband I made safety the one thing that decisions would pivot around.
I said I would keep him at home as long as it was safe...Safe for me and safe for him.
If it got to the point where I could no longer move him or care for him without getting hurt myself I would have to place him.
If it go to the point where I could not move him without the risk of hurting him I would have to place him. Luckily with the help of the VA and Hospice I got the supplies and equipment I needed.
I am sure that you do not want to hurt your husband and if you got hurt what would happen to him and who would care for you?
As for your husband telling you he does not want anyone in the house he can not make proper decisions any longer. YOU are the one that is going to have to make the decisions.
Tell him YOU need help for yourself. You need someone to come in and help tidy up a bit so you can take more time caring for him. You need someone to help do the laundry. I think if he thinks that the person is coming to help you he might be more accepting.
Now we just have to convince you that you do need the help.
As I mentioned above...what happens to YOU if you get hurt, if you get ill and can not care for your husband for a week, a month, 6 months? Who will care for him and where? And who will care for you?
I will repeat this..your husband can not make decisions regarding his care..if you need help get it.
If you are the one that is also resisting the State or your children can force the matter and either the State or your children could obtain Guardianship. If that occurs all decisions will be out of your hands.
One last thought for you ..Statistics show that quite often the Caregiver dies before the person they are caring for. This is strictly due to stress and injury.
Having read those two brief sentences very slowly and carefully... I'm not at all sure what bullying is being done by whom.
Your husband's wishes are that you do not have in-home care sent in to help. Help with what? And if you don't have outside help, does your husband think it's not required, or does he think you can do it all?
Just suppose you were making this decision alone, leaving aside your husband's opinion just for a moment, would the in-home care be a help to you?
It certainly is your husband's right to refuse services. But it is NOT his right to demand that assistance from you instead, especially if he needs more than you can confidently manage.
Sometimes, in the case of a bedridden individual, the caregiver is physically unable to turn adequately. That would be an example, because the patient could then develop sores that would be quickly life threatening. Sometimes someone calls for a wellness check, and Social Workers are assigned to do periodic wellness checks for adequacy of care.
Would love it if you were able to return and tell us more.
At first I thought NO. You cannot be made to have in-home care.
HOWEVER, if your husband's well-being is threatened, yes, you probably could be forced - or face the consequences of charges of neglect.
This is why I kept my father and my husband ambulatory; I knew that God forbid either of them had broken a hip, I would have to make sure they got the needed care, even if against their wishes. You really don't want your loved one to hurt and suffer, and you surely don't want the state to charge you with neglect.
A living will only goes so far - if the person's safety is in question, you can either accept the in-home care or face having him institutionalized.
It can be nearly impossible for one person to take care of someone with advancing dementia.
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