What happened with your husband that the state became involved? A hospitalization? A report to your state's department of aging regarding your husband's need for care? What are your husband's wishes? Is he able to make decisions? More importantly are you able to care for him? In my experience with both older adults and children is that the state gets involved due to a report of abuse or neglect. If there is no evidence of either issue, then the state typically closes the case.
Ever had the experience of the county in your business?
In addition to being sole caregiver to my 100 year old Mother, I've also been burdened with a legal matter that I can't seem to get out of.
Has anyone ever had the experience -- or know someone who has had the experience -- of having a doctor (in my case Kaiser Permanente) turning your "case" over to the county in which you live? Let me warn you not to divulge too much of your anxiety and stress to your doctor. This could warn the dr that you need help (that you might not decide yourself that you need) and that your parent or other loved one for whom you are caring should go to a facility.
Well, this has turned out to be the nightmare of my life. Instead of being recognized for good service and commitment, I had to get a $375 per hour attorney to try to get the county out of my business. Attorney recommended that I hire a "geriatric care manager" who would write a care plan for my 100 year old mother, which would include her staying in my home where she feels safe and is loved. Said $250 per hour (including assistant) care manager came for three meetings to "assess" my mom and talk (chit chat). She is well known in my state and came highly regarded. Well this "care manager" never came through with the care plan for which she was hired. And, she has been talking to the case worker for the county (the other side). I am now faced with putting my Mom in a facility or have them move for guardianship -- yes, the same care manager -- and she would put my Mom in a facility (not necessarily of my choosing).
Btw, this has cost me thousands already -- and my Mom a couple of thousand too. Court-ordered theft from two old ladies.
If I were being abusive to my Mom or stealing from her, I would understand such an action. But, the case worker says there's no suspicion of that.
My Mom, at 100, is able to shower and toilet by herself. She eats normally at the table. She has a "bit" of incontinence, but nothing serious that would alarm me (just annoying!). No problems or emergencies. I even leave her alone for an hour or two when I market or go to the doctor (she has my cell phone number and calls if she gets nervous). My Mom is amazing at 100 -- you should see her and hear her! Yes, she has dementia, but that hasn't robbed her of her ability to laugh and tell stories.
My attorney says, now, if I get in-home care service they would get off our backs. Except for house cleaning, I have everything under control -- my Mom needs very little "care."
There's no emergency, nothing serious, except perhaps my own stress level -- exacerbated by the County itself.
I wish I had in home care help. We couldn't afford it. What exactly are they offering? Or did APS come out and you can afford it but don't want to pay for it?
How? What is it that your husband is against versus what the State is offering? Get more information from the State and think it over before making a final decision.
I don't know your whole story , but if the state starts to get in the situation, about your husband, they might feel that he isn't being properly cared for. How long have you cared for him? What are his needs? Can He walk? Eat? shower? Ect.
Why doe your husband not want home healthcare ? Have you talked about other options? Is someone else his POA ? There is only so much you can do on your own, eventually, you'll need to reach out and ask for help . Talk to his doctor privately if need be.
It took me a long time to understand and accept the way my elderly mom acts, her being 80, that a lot of it is common behavior for elderly, how they don't want help, or refuse help, and then by the time, they finally get help, it's nearly too late.
You also need to think about yourself. How much can you handle? You caring for him? How much care does your husband realistically need? I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you caring for your husband, but you need to know where your limits are. Please. Your safety matters too. That also includes mentally, and emotionally as well. There is only so much you can do, exceptionally if your husband has dementia .
Talk to his doctor and a socail worker asap ! Reach out for help now. The sooner the better . You don't want to wait till you literally have days to decide where to put your husband . Because that's what happened with me, with my mom .
I think you need to provide more info to get suggestions here.
What are your husband's wishes. What is the 'state' saying you need and why do they think you need it. And why is the state involved?- Did someone call in to report that you need help, that things are beyond your ability to handle on your own, are the two children playing a regular/active roll in helping out? Is there a possibility that someone feels more could be done to prevent further illess/injury/hygiene problems?
Why would you NOT want a little in-home care to help out?
When my husband was in the hospital, with stage 4 colon cancer I told him he couldn't come home until the hospital bed was installed. He told me he did not need a hospital bed. I told him, "No, but I do. My 72 year old back can not take all the bending." He stopped for a minute and then replied, "You're right.". He came home that evening. The next day he told me he was really glad we had the electric bed. Sometimes it helps to show a different reason for a solution.
It would help us to know why in-home care is being considered. Is your husband ill or disabled and you are doing the care-taking? Or are you or your children in need of in-home care? You have not said if YOU would like the additional help. Has the state determined that your husband's needs (or those of some member of the family) are not being met?
Having read those two brief sentences very slowly and carefully... I'm not at all sure what bullying is being done by whom.
Your husband's wishes are that you do not have in-home care sent in to help. Help with what? And if you don't have outside help, does your husband think it's not required, or does he think you can do it all?
Just suppose you were making this decision alone, leaving aside your husband's opinion just for a moment, would the in-home care be a help to you?
It certainly is your husband's right to refuse services. But it is NOT his right to demand that assistance from you instead, especially if he needs more than you can confidently manage.
Face this fact. Most people do NOT want someone to care for them in their homes as they feel they don't need the help. And they do not want to be put into a facility. But that does not mean YOU have to endanger yourself for someone so stupid. YOU must come first. If every attempt to help fails and the results are causing difficulties and harm for you, then you have no choice. You either make them have a caretaker or else they get put into a facility - especially if dementia is setting in. It will become hell for you and destroy you sooner than later. Act and do something. And financially, there is help but you have to seek and find it.
Need more information to answer this question properly.
At first I thought NO. You cannot be made to have in-home care.
HOWEVER, if your husband's well-being is threatened, yes, you probably could be forced - or face the consequences of charges of neglect.
This is why I kept my father and my husband ambulatory; I knew that God forbid either of them had broken a hip, I would have to make sure they got the needed care, even if against their wishes. You really don't want your loved one to hurt and suffer, and you surely don't want the state to charge you with neglect.
A living will only goes so far - if the person's safety is in question, you can either accept the in-home care or face having him institutionalized.
Often when a person with dementia says they do not want anyone in the house to help, they do not want to shower, they do not want to take their medications or anything else that they don't want to do you can not always abide by their wishes. A person with dementia does not always know what is right for them. They do not know what is safe for them. I am sure one of the concerns that your children have is that you are taking on more than is safe for you to handle. When I was caring for my Husband I made safety the one thing that decisions would pivot around. I said I would keep him at home as long as it was safe...Safe for me and safe for him. If it got to the point where I could no longer move him or care for him without getting hurt myself I would have to place him. If it go to the point where I could not move him without the risk of hurting him I would have to place him. Luckily with the help of the VA and Hospice I got the supplies and equipment I needed. I am sure that you do not want to hurt your husband and if you got hurt what would happen to him and who would care for you? As for your husband telling you he does not want anyone in the house he can not make proper decisions any longer. YOU are the one that is going to have to make the decisions. Tell him YOU need help for yourself. You need someone to come in and help tidy up a bit so you can take more time caring for him. You need someone to help do the laundry. I think if he thinks that the person is coming to help you he might be more accepting.
Now we just have to convince you that you do need the help. As I mentioned above...what happens to YOU if you get hurt, if you get ill and can not care for your husband for a week, a month, 6 months? Who will care for him and where? And who will care for you?
I will repeat this..your husband can not make decisions regarding his care..if you need help get it. If you are the one that is also resisting the State or your children can force the matter and either the State or your children could obtain Guardianship. If that occurs all decisions will be out of your hands.
One last thought for you ..Statistics show that quite often the Caregiver dies before the person they are caring for. This is strictly due to stress and injury.
If your husband has dementia, he is not of sound mind and his wishes may very well not be reasonable. I don’t see your age but most people are unable to adequately care for someone with dementia alone. You may need to step back and try to view things more realistically. Why are you so against help? Sometimes it’s because we view it as meaning we are not capable to care for them. But when it comes to serious medical problems like dementia, realistically we aren’t . We can’t preform surgery either 😉, it’s out of the realm of our knowledge.
If someone has complained to APS and they have investigated and evaluated the situation they can give you the option for homecare or LTC. They can become guardian if its felt your husband needs more care then you can give.
fedup777, You don't tell us too much in your question, so I glanced at your profile, and you say that you feel that your state (Washington State?) is bullying you into going against your husband's wishes. I can only assume that his wishes are to stay in his home with you caring for him? Is he suffering from dementia at all? Are you able to care for him in the home, providing him care? If you are, I cannot imagine why the state would interfere unless a family member has reported that he or she fears that your husband isn't getting adequate care. Can you come back and explain to us what is happening to you? What kind of "in-home care" has the state insisted upon. Sometimes, in the case of a bedridden individual, the caregiver is physically unable to turn adequately. That would be an example, because the patient could then develop sores that would be quickly life threatening. Sometimes someone calls for a wellness check, and Social Workers are assigned to do periodic wellness checks for adequacy of care. Would love it if you were able to return and tell us more.
Well if you aren’t providing the level of care your husband needs then the state can and will step in. Why do you feel that they are trying to force you to go against your husbands wishes? This is about what is best for HIM. What he wants may not be what is best for him.
Ever had the experience of the county in your business?
In addition to being sole caregiver to my 100 year old Mother, I've also been burdened with a legal matter that I can't seem to get out of.
Has anyone ever had the experience -- or know someone who has had the experience -- of having a doctor (in my case Kaiser Permanente) turning your "case" over to the county in which you live? Let me warn you not to divulge too much of your anxiety and stress to your doctor. This could warn the dr that you need help (that you might not decide yourself that you need) and that your parent or other loved one for whom you are caring should go to a facility.
Well, this has turned out to be the nightmare of my life. Instead of being recognized for good service and commitment, I had to get a $375 per hour attorney to try to get the county out of my business. Attorney recommended that I hire a "geriatric care manager" who would write a care plan for my 100 year old mother, which would include her staying in my home where she feels safe and is loved. Said $250 per hour (including assistant) care manager came for three meetings to "assess" my mom and talk (chit chat). She is well known in my state and came highly regarded. Well this "care manager" never came through with the care plan for which she was hired. And, she has been talking to the case worker for the county (the other side). I am now faced with putting my Mom in a facility or have them move for guardianship -- yes, the same care manager -- and she would put my Mom in a facility (not necessarily of my choosing).
Btw, this has cost me thousands already -- and my Mom a couple of thousand too. Court-ordered theft from two old ladies.
If I were being abusive to my Mom or stealing from her, I would understand such an action. But, the case worker says there's no suspicion of that.
My Mom, at 100, is able to shower and toilet by herself. She eats normally at the table. She has a "bit" of incontinence, but nothing serious that would alarm me (just annoying!). No problems or emergencies. I even leave her alone for an hour or two when I market or go to the doctor (she has my cell phone number and calls if she gets nervous). My Mom is amazing at 100 -- you should see her and hear her! Yes, she has dementia, but that hasn't robbed her of her ability to laugh and tell stories.
My attorney says, now, if I get in-home care service they would get off our backs. Except for house cleaning, I have everything under control -- my Mom needs very little "care."
There's no emergency, nothing serious, except perhaps my own stress level -- exacerbated by the County itself.
Nightmare.
Why doe your husband not want home healthcare ? Have you talked about other options? Is someone else his POA ? There is only so much you can do on your own, eventually, you'll need to reach out and ask for help . Talk to his doctor privately if need be.
It took me a long time to understand and accept the way my elderly mom acts, her being 80, that a lot of it is common behavior for elderly, how they don't want help, or refuse help, and then by the time, they finally get help, it's nearly too late.
You also need to think about yourself. How much can you handle? You caring for him? How much care does your husband realistically need? I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you caring for your husband, but you need to know where your limits are. Please. Your safety matters too. That also includes mentally, and emotionally as well. There is only so much you can do, exceptionally if your husband has dementia .
Talk to his doctor and a socail worker asap ! Reach out for help now. The sooner the better . You don't want to wait till you literally have days to decide where to put your husband . Because that's what happened with me, with my mom .
What are your husband's wishes. What is the 'state' saying you need and why do they think you need it. And why is the state involved?- Did someone call in to report that you need help, that things are beyond your ability to handle on your own, are the two children playing a regular/active roll in helping out? Is there a possibility that someone feels more could be done to prevent further illess/injury/hygiene problems?
Why would you NOT want a little in-home care to help out?
We invite your further elaboration.
Having read those two brief sentences very slowly and carefully... I'm not at all sure what bullying is being done by whom.
Your husband's wishes are that you do not have in-home care sent in to help. Help with what? And if you don't have outside help, does your husband think it's not required, or does he think you can do it all?
Just suppose you were making this decision alone, leaving aside your husband's opinion just for a moment, would the in-home care be a help to you?
It certainly is your husband's right to refuse services. But it is NOT his right to demand that assistance from you instead, especially if he needs more than you can confidently manage.
At first I thought NO. You cannot be made to have in-home care.
HOWEVER, if your husband's well-being is threatened, yes, you probably could be forced - or face the consequences of charges of neglect.
This is why I kept my father and my husband ambulatory; I knew that God forbid either of them had broken a hip, I would have to make sure they got the needed care, even if against their wishes. You really don't want your loved one to hurt and suffer, and you surely don't want the state to charge you with neglect.
A living will only goes so far - if the person's safety is in question, you can either accept the in-home care or face having him institutionalized.
A person with dementia does not always know what is right for them. They do not know what is safe for them.
I am sure one of the concerns that your children have is that you are taking on more than is safe for you to handle.
When I was caring for my Husband I made safety the one thing that decisions would pivot around.
I said I would keep him at home as long as it was safe...Safe for me and safe for him.
If it got to the point where I could no longer move him or care for him without getting hurt myself I would have to place him.
If it go to the point where I could not move him without the risk of hurting him I would have to place him. Luckily with the help of the VA and Hospice I got the supplies and equipment I needed.
I am sure that you do not want to hurt your husband and if you got hurt what would happen to him and who would care for you?
As for your husband telling you he does not want anyone in the house he can not make proper decisions any longer. YOU are the one that is going to have to make the decisions.
Tell him YOU need help for yourself. You need someone to come in and help tidy up a bit so you can take more time caring for him. You need someone to help do the laundry. I think if he thinks that the person is coming to help you he might be more accepting.
Now we just have to convince you that you do need the help.
As I mentioned above...what happens to YOU if you get hurt, if you get ill and can not care for your husband for a week, a month, 6 months? Who will care for him and where? And who will care for you?
I will repeat this..your husband can not make decisions regarding his care..if you need help get it.
If you are the one that is also resisting the State or your children can force the matter and either the State or your children could obtain Guardianship. If that occurs all decisions will be out of your hands.
One last thought for you ..Statistics show that quite often the Caregiver dies before the person they are caring for. This is strictly due to stress and injury.
Sometimes, in the case of a bedridden individual, the caregiver is physically unable to turn adequately. That would be an example, because the patient could then develop sores that would be quickly life threatening. Sometimes someone calls for a wellness check, and Social Workers are assigned to do periodic wellness checks for adequacy of care.
Would love it if you were able to return and tell us more.
It can be nearly impossible for one person to take care of someone with advancing dementia.